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October 9, 2005HOME STRETCH
John: That was some RAW this week. It’s funny, I know there was great Iron Man match and a really good ladder match where Edge sent Matt Hardy packing. Jerry Lawler: What’s Matt Hardy gonna do now? Where can he go? John: Nowhere, he’s done. It’s not like there’s a B show on Friday nights he can go to. All that stuff was good, and I seem to remember enjoying seeing all those old codgers doing their finishes on Rob Conway. It goes without saying I liked the bra and panties match. But most of all, I remember how long WWE Homecoming was and how Stone Cold took what seemed like the whole three hours to give four Stunners to the McMahon family.
Jeff: That was a three hour and fifteen minute show that would have worked far, far better as a two hour show. The only thing separating it from an old Nitro was the missing nWo run in at the end. TEXAS TORNADO
John: I gotta say I enjoyed seeing Kevin Von Erich on RAW. There’s a guy I never, ever thought I’d see on WWE television. The fact that I liked seeing Kevin is extra unusual because I watched a decent amount of World Class Championship Wrestling when I was a kid and I never, ever liked a single Von Erich match. The Iron Claw is a pretty cool move too; it’s a shame no one uses it anymore. Baron Von Rasche: It kept me over for many years. John: What? You were never over. Since Kevin’s perpetually barefoot, it’s too bad he never learned to apply the Iron Claw with his foot. Maybe with the money Kevin Von Erich could make if Vince McMahon buys the WCCW tape library, he can finally buy himself a pair of Converses or something.
John: There couldn’t be a more appropriate name for this show. It’s also appropriate that the licensed song for this show is called “Save Me.” I mean, look at this show, it’s appalling. On wwe.com, they teased some RAW guys showing up. I’d prefer if some of the Legends showed up and put on their own pay per view. Dusty Rhodes vs. Harley Race, Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Nikolai Volkoff, and Kevin Von Erich vs. Ted DiBiase would be a better show than this.
John: Somehow, I’ve managed to avoid every single appearance by this Bobby Lashley guy. Even this week, I thought to myself that I’d actually finally watch this Bobby Lashley fella wrestle, but instead I started surfing the web right after Simon Dean accused this Lashley character of breaking his hand. While I can’t guarantee I won’t be flipping though one of Lance’s wife’s US Magazines during this match, it’ll be nice to see (so to speak) Simon Dean back on pay per view. He hasn’t had a pay per view appearance since ECW One Night Stand. Simon Dean: What’re you talking about? I was never at ECW One Night Stand. John: Right, of course not. That was someone else wearing a shoepolish beard. Prediction: I might be going out on a limb here, but I’m gonna go with this Bobby Lashley ni--
John: Look at that picture above. They’re like twin brothers from different mothers. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it’s nine years ago and this is Skip vs. Zip: The BodyDonnas Explode! I might actually prefer to see that match. Ken Kennedy is the new I Didn’t Do It Boy and his schtick hasn’t gotten tired yet. He’s one of the only new wrestlers on the show who has mic skills and a catchphrase. Bobby Lashley: I’ve got a catchphrase. Paul Burchill: As do I. John: What are they? Paul Birchall: You’ll find out in due course. John: Can’t wait. Prediction: I’ll cringe every time Michael Cole says “Alabama Slamma”.
John: Playing the role of Hawk (and Papa Shango) will be Heidenreich and playing the role of Sunny will be Christy Hemme. Also starring Animal’s enormous gut. Shouldn’t he have lost that by now? He’s been wrestling regularly for months now. I asked my penis what it thinks about Christy’s new leather chaps look. My penis said it likes it a lot. Borat: NICE! I like!
John: I especially dig how Melina yanked Christy’s bikini bottom right down on Smackdown this week. This has been a wonderful week of depantsing. Ashley almost yanked Candice’s panties clean off on RAW, and then Melina did the same to Christy. Melina and Christy can go at for the rest of the year and it’d be just fine with me. Prediction: My penis will be fast asleep while Animal and Heidenreich are in the ring. (It might stir when Nitro’s in there.)
John: It was so nice to see Christian on RAW again. I wish there was a way he could have stayed. Maybe he could have hidden in the trunk of Triple H’s limo or something. Now, what’s more American than two Canadians and two black guys going at it for the United States Title? Borat: My wife, she is afraid of the men with the chocolate face. John: There’s a hundred percent more Borat and Kevin Von Erich in this OSCS than ever before.
John: JBL lost a match to Rey a few weeks ago and hired Jillian to be his fixer. Jillian gave JBL some good advice: Make fun of Mexicans more. That kind of shit is right up JBL’s alley. He’s never more entertaining than when he’s making fun of Mexicans, or clotheslining Mexicans at the border, or dressing up like a Mexican. Prediction: He’ll be even more entertaining when he loses to a Mexican.
Jeff:
John: Nothing makes a guy look tougher when he can’t beat his arch enemy than bringing his dad in to fight alongside him. Kerwin White: It’s so cowardly, they’re disgracing the white race. John: Where is Kerwin Classic these days, anyway? Probably the lamest attempt at special effects in many moons has been the use of ‘mannequins’ in the caskets. Weeks ago while beating the shit out of Randy Orton, Undertaker was momentarily stunned to see himself in Orton’s casket after a post-production cutaway insert. Undertaker showed he too can ask the guys in the truck to do a cutaway insert when he showed the Ortons in his casket this week. Now, the Undertaker’s Casket Match record is better than average while the Ortons have never been in a Casket Match. But that means they’ve never lost a Casket Match either. Prediction: There’s nothing gay about a father and son sharing a casket.
John: The whole thing where Eddie and Batista are friends who love each other was funny for a few minutes. And that was weeks go. I don’t think it’s actually enticing anyone to buy this show to see if Eddie turns on Batista. Batista: Is it really a ‘turn’ if I know it’s coming and I’m waiting for it? John: That’s an interesting question. I guess not. Eddie Guerrero: Orale, Dave’s freaking me out, vato. I can’t turn when he’s looking, ese.
John: Either way, Big Dave hasn’t had a match since jumping to Smackdown that could be considered good. It’s up to Eddie to fill Triple H’s boots and give Batista a decent match. If Eddie needs motivation, Dave can always get that gay doctor to give Eddie another rectal exam. That seemed to light a fire under his ass, literally. Prediction: A low, low buyrate for this show. Low.
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