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 January 8. 2006 John: Batista and Melina had sex a few weeks ago. Melina was under the impression that by feeding herself to the Animal, he would bow out of wrestling MNM for the WWE Tag Team Title. Batista had no intention of doing so. He gladly fucked Melina and went on to win the belts from MNM with Rey Mysterio. Now Melina is suing Batista for sexual harassment.
Melina: I told him to stop but he di-n’t! Out of Control Eric Cartman: Whateva! I do what I want! John: Batista admits to nailing her, which keeps him macho to the male fans, but claims that Melina never said no or stop, so he’s innocent. Ron Howard: It was a complex situation without an easy solution. John: Perhaps in a move to capitalize on the current critical acclaim of King Kong, Melina hired Mark Henry and got some measure of revenge on Batista. Henry cost Batista and Rey the Tag Team Title and Henry went on to beat the shit out of Batista in a steel cage this week. Now Batista and Henry are destined for some sort of wrestling match with the World Heavyweight Championship on the line. Ron Howard: Now that’s a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy. Tell your friends. Jeff: I don't know, maybe shoot him down with a bunch of biplanes? Some people may say that's racist, but they're missing one important point: Mark Henry looks just like a gorilla. Anyway, if the WWE is just looking to waste Batista's time for a couple months until Wrestlemania, then Mark Henry's as good as anyone. But if they're planning to stretch it out until then, I'm skipping the show.
GREGORY HELMS VS. JERRY “THE KING” LAWLER John: Wow, someone backstage took a booking 101 class in wrestling school. Gregory Helms: Jerry Lawler, I got a problem with you! Jerry Lawler: You got a problem with me? Then let’s settle this in a wrestling match at the next pay per view! Gregory Helms: Fine! See you there! John: You can’t get more basic than that. A one-promo feud with a one-match blow off. A day later, Lawler will be back at the announce desk and Helms will be back wrestling exclusively on wwe.com. Everything will be back to normal. Prediction: Helms avoids the Tazz-killing candy dish, steals a victory
John: This should be pretty good. Jeff: What will happen if two of the three girls who hang together have to wrestle each other? Will Torrie's stupid little rat of a dog play a role? Will Maria and Ashley manage to get revenge for being humiliated on Monday? Will I feel a tingling in my crotchal region when Maria's on all fours?
Prediction: A wrestling clinic, none, yes, yes
John: Pretty smooth move by the bookers to decoy the eventual heel turn of one of these girls by inserting some lesbianism into the situation.
Melina: Trish should sue that fat, skanky whore for sexual harassment! John: A Mickie heel turn on Trish has been sort of a given since the angle started, but when we were live at RAW in Boston a few weeks ago, the fans were solidly behind Trish waffling Mickie with the belt. The recent twist of Mickie giving Trish her annual December lesbian kiss and checking out her boobs in the shower gives this match that little extra something. Or it could just be mind games like the RAW announce team have speculated. If the announcers speculate something is true, it probably isn’t. Eric Cartman: If they start lezzing out, just go with it.
Jeff: The fans don't like Mickie at all. It could be because they really like Trish, or because she's committed the crime of not being blonde, or because she's been really annoying, but whatever it is, she's done a fine job of being a heel while wrestling as a face. She'll get a John Cena level of hate from the fans when she finally turns on Trish.
Prediction: I'll be very, very disappointed if Mickie doesn't wear thone tiny panties and miniskirt for the match
John: Ric Flair’s had some tough times recently, as evidenced by that shocking footage Edge showed of Flair attacking that innocent motorist and putting him in the figure four in the middle of the highway. Flair should hope for his sake that footage isn’t admissible in court. Flair’s not allowed to talk because of his legal troubles but has been making up for it with action. There’s nothing quite like a crazy sixty year old man chasing a terrified man and woman half his age around the arena. Ric Flair: “Fuck you, you son of a bitch!” John: And so forth. Jeff: Ric Flair matches are consistently my favorite part of every pay per view. The nut shots, the swearing, the middle fingers, the near immediate blade jobs - Flair matches have it all. Terry Funk set the standard for middle aged and crazy and Ric Flair's met that standard. I hope I can be just like him when I'm 56 years old. Especially the domestic violence and road rage parts.
Prediction: Whatever happens, Edge can't look good beating up someone's grampa
John: I’ve liked the way this feud has been booked. Big Show called Triple H a piece of shit for what he did to Ric Flair at Survivor Series. Triple H cost Show his spot in the Elimination Chamber so Show and Kane did the same to him. Triple H broke Show’s hand with his old friend the sledgehammer during the contract signing. Triple H then peed his pants when Show emerged with a cast around his hand, which gives him an added weapon in their match. It’s been a well set-up rivalry. Jeff: Big Show's finally been worth that ten year contract over the last year or so. He's giving great interviews and playing to his strengths in his matches. Triple H should sell like a madman for him, make him look great for 10 minutes, then hit him with a sledgehammer and show him who's boss.
Prediction: It'll be just like that episode of Who's the Boss where Tony hit Angela with a sledgehammer
John: Shawn Michaels, by order of Mr. McMahon has to be one of the two men to start the match. Kane, by winning Beat the Clock, is the last man to enter the Chamber. The male wrestling fans, who hate John Cena, would be ecstatic if Cena were to be the first man eliminated from the match. Carlito is the least likely man to win the whole thing. Carlito: That’s not cool! John: But it’s true. With Michaels and McMahon feuding, Kane already a tag team champion, and Masters and Carlito really just in there as extra bodies to get beaten up, the question is really whether Kurt Angle will give the male fans what they have been dying to see for months and take the WWE Title from Cena. Jeff: It's hilarious the lengths the WWE's gone to to make Angle a heel against Cena. They stuck him with Bischoff - it didn't work. Stuck him with Daivari - nope. Had him beat up a girl - no sale. Made him shit all over the troops - sorry, us grown ups still hate John Cena. But as much as I'd like to see Angle win, I can see why Cena's still the champ. I don't remember anyone whose matches have had more heat. Half the crowd absolutely hates the guy and it makes the half who loves him cheer him even harder. It's really entertaining to watch.
Prediction: Some high pitched cheering ends the night
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