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September 2, 2006
Smackdown in Fast Forward A decade ago, when OUR so-called SPORT was an email newsletter, we recapped the three hours of Monday Nitro each week with a feature called “Monday Nitro in Fast Forward.” Smackdown has degenerated to the point in recent years where watching it live on Fridays without the ability to zoom past all the steaming crap is intolerable. I figured I'd do Smackdown in Fast Forward to illustrate how little of Smackdown I can stand these days. DVR 0.00 – 2:01 0:00 – 0:03 - And we're kicking off with the crap, I see. After the opening video package about the Guerrero/Mysterio feud, the title credits and the pyro, I pause the FF to see Rey Mysterio come out. No, no, no, no. I'm not watching this. A year ago, Eddie as Dominick's father was the worst angle of the year but Vicky Guerrero as a heel widow is so much more contemptible. Here's a real life relative who has less business on my TV than Al Wilson or Judy Bagwell. I don't care what anyone here has to say or what they do. I think I saw Vicky slap Rey and Chavo put his arm around her as I was shooting past but I couldn't give damn. 0:13 – 0:24 - Thirteen minutes into the show, I join it for Matt Hardy vs. Gregory Helms. This I'm happy to watch. They're making a big deal out of Helms being the longest reigning champion currently. What's it been, 8 or 9 months? Smackdown tends to make a big deal about their champions having long reigns. Trish Stratus' sixth Women's Title reign lasted 15 months but they never made that big a deal of it (granted, she was on the shelf for 5 months last year but 10 active months is pretty long.) JBL is always really interesting when he comments on Hardy. He's always speculating on why Matt isn't a top level player in WWE, although this week he's kayfabe dwelling on Hardy's won-loss record as if Hardy has any control over how many matches he wins. JBL brings up Hardy's history with Helms and then busts out a classic Stevie Rayism by calling Michael Cole a “fruit booty.” Mean Gene Okerlund: Fruit booty?! 0:24 – 0:25 - Backstage with Teddy Long is Ken Kennedy with one of the guys I watch Smackdown for, Finlay. The Smackdown heels are totally on the same page when they are imported hired guns against DX, but they don't get along too well otherwise. Whoa, these two guys seem like they want to kill each other. Finlay wants a cage match, Kennedy wants a barbed wire steel cage match. I'd prefer to see a Jeff original idea: The reverse tuxedo match: Two wrestlers start off in their underwear and the winner is the one who manages to make his opponent wear a full tuxedo, including cumber bund and cuff links. 0:25 – 0:30 – Whole lot of fast forwarding. 0:30 – 0:36 - The Miz's wrestling debut. I'm tempted to keep fast forwarding but I gotta see how bad this is. I'd say the company is presenting a mixed message about Miz, but they really aren't: Everyone hates him, including the heel announcer. I miss Bobby Heenan yelling “Hit the deck, Indians!” when Tatanka comes out. The old stereotypes never go out of style. The Miz's wrestling is like watching Chris Benoit only at half speed and lacking any of the wrestling ability. Otherwise, it's like Benoit #2 in there. Where the hell is Whatshername, the girl who won the Diva Search this year? Did they leave her at a rest stop last week and forget all about her? 0:36 – 0:43 – I skipped the last couple of minutes of The Miz's match but I saw he won with some shitty roll up. I hate it when guys debut without a finisher. Carlito went about a year before he picked a finisher up. When I come back from Fast Forward, Cole is shilling The Marine . Fuck that. As much as I complain, I'm gonna end up seeing it anyway when it comes out because I'm a company man (euphemism for ‘complete fucking retard who'll blow Vince McMahon even after taking one right in the eye.') Still, don't need to watch the Marine trailer ever again. 0:45 – 0:52 - Ken Kennedy is out for his “I Didn't Do It Boy” schtick. I think Finlay has one of the best entrance themes going. Teddy Long comes out to add the stipulation. Teddy Long: Lemme holla at ya, playas. What this match needs is a babyface, balee dat. When Lashley gets added to the match, JBL accuses Long of being racist. Yeah really, can't two bleached blond white heels have themselves a wrestling match for the United States Title without a black face getting in the way? 0:52 – 1:01 - I fucking love Finlay for a lot of reasons but if I have to boil it down, it's because of his hypnotic white boots. Also, it's his willingness to fuck himself, his opponent and his leprechaun up for our viewing pleasure. How is Chris Masters ‘leaner and meaner' but Lashley remains inhumanly jacked? Ken Kennedy looks like he put himself in the laundry dryer and shrank with his trunks. Finlay does his awesome pull the apron curtain up on Kennedy's baseball slide spot. 1:05 – 1:12 - Commercial break and this match is still going on. The leprechaun does a Kenton bomb on Kennedy. Wow, fantastic finish – Kennedy steals it by rolling up Lashley after a British Bulldog powerslam on Finlay. Whichever agent booked that finish sure earned his free ticket to see The Marine. 1:12 – 1:18 – Rocket past commercials and the RAW Rebound to see MVP with his two hired ladies of the night. Dr. Zoidberg: I'll take eight! Ugh, Vito in a dress wrestling… William Regal? Oh, what to do. Should I fast forward? On one hand, it's Regal, a Knight of the Kingdom of Smackdown . But on the other hand, Vito in a dress. I'll compromise by listening to Sir William's promo but skipping the match. 1:20 – 1:23 – Regal took the countout loss after being molested by the bald Italian in the frock. MVP doesn't say or do anything, so I can put the pedal to the fast forward some more. 1:28 –1:29- Jimmy Wang Yang is eating BBQ. A Chinese redneck is money, Vince. Money! Can't you just hear the money coming in on the railroads the Chinese laid the tracks down for in the 19 th century? 1:29 -1:36 - Oh now , MVP is gonna talk. Well, gotta go. 1:36 – 1:43 - The Pitbulls are back to face London and Kendrick. Should I fast forward? Yes. I fly past who actually wins the match but at 1:43, that guy who looks just like Bobby Eaton runs in with his partner to go a'clubberin' with the champs. The Pitbills join in so the heels can beat down the faces. Is Michelle McCool the only Diva on the show tonight? Yes, except for Sharmell. 1:44 – 1:48 – I think there was a Boogeyman promo when the fast forwarding started. 1:48 – 2:00 - When I come back, Teddy Long is in the ring and introduces King Booker for the contract signing. JBL is actually subdued this week in terms of the gushing verbal asslicking he usually gives King Booker, which is usually one of the best parts of this show. Batista appears wearing one of his snazzier suits; no suit jacket over a wife beater this week. King Booker is fucking incredible. He took this ridiculous character and became the most entertaining guy on the show. His fake British accent that he can't maintain is fantastic. Only three “All hail King Booker”s from Sharmell this week. Batista can't even keep a straight face as King Booker keeps interrupting his promo. Now Booker keeps his eyes shut and won't even deign to look at Batista. Spinebuster through the table ends the show. For some reason, Batista takes off his jacket and leaves it in the ring before walking out. He learned the gigantic armpit stains from his Evolution mentor Ric Flair. Looks like that extra minute for an overrun the DVR was set for wasn't necessary. After doing the math, I watched approximately 52 minutes of Smackdown. That's more than I expected. How much of it was good? Depressingly little. But now for the best part of my weekly Smackdown ritual: X – Delete Recording. Ahh. |
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