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September 7, 2006 How to Sell Balls
This is Balls Mahoney. Look at him. Magnificent, isn't he? Take a good long look at him. Go ahead. Now, these are the four T-shirts WWE marketing has come up with for Balls. They're asking the fans to choose which one best represents Balls Mahoney.
What is this shit? "Baptised in Blood?" That's gross. But not the kind of gross Balls Mahoney is. WWE marketing can't decide if Balls Mahoney is Stone Cold, Kane, or the Undertaker. They don't get it. They just don't get it. Balls Mahoney is like none of those men! Balls isn't a beer-swilling rattlesnake with his own beer line. Balls isn't hellfire and brimstone. Balls has no Satanic supernatural power. Balls Mahoney is a big, ugly, smelly, hard fightin', hard fartin', toothless, chair-swinging freak. And that's what makes him great. What's so hard about about marketing that? Balls's first WWE shirt should say two things: I'VE GOT BIG BALLS (front) There. How hard is that to market, geniuses? Who wouldn't buy that shirt? They'd sell like hotcakes. At $25 each, they'd earn $25 million dollars, minimum.
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