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June 11, 2007
Live Blogging The WWE Draft 2007 8:00pm - Oh good, Crazy Vince reads a prepared statement slowly. It's as early as can be for not having the fast forward option biting me in the ass. 8:03pm - All three announce teams. I'd love it if they all started arguing again like they used to. Nothing sounds better than six guys talking over each other while hurling kayfabe-breaking insults. 8:04pm - John Cena (RAW) vs. Edge (Smackdown) for the first pick of the Draft. The World Heavyweight Champion Edge is back on RAW! Wow, it seems like three whole weeks since we've seen Edge on Monday nights. Truly historic. Wait, so how does this work? The winner of the match gets to draft from the loser's brand? Can Edge or Cena draft from ECW? Both world champions are having one of their standard matches. Not a lot of genuine aggression. Edge won via countout? That's some good booking there, geniuses. 8:14pm - What the fuck is this? The draft is "computer controlled" and "randomly" selected Great Khali? That sucks! That fucking sucks! First Draft Pick: The Great Khali to Smackdown. Gay! 8:15pm - Lance: "BULLSHIT! the Draft system is lame. they fucking ruined it. That is my commentary for the whole thing." 8:16pm - I concur. This is really shitty, even for WWE these days. No strategy, no personality involved with the Draft picks. 8:19pm - Video package about Vince McMahon's life. It's bizarre seeing Vince so young in the 80's. I've been watching since 1986 and I grew up with Vince McMahon but it seems like he aged more between 2001-2007 than he had from 1986-2001. 8:21pm - Jesse Ventura's tribute. Last time I saw Jesse, he had a big bushy beard. Now he's clean shaven and looks to have a sweet mullet. Except he's bald on top, so he has one of those Hulk Hogan bald on top, long on the sides do's all the kids are clamoring for. Jesse calls Vince a "dictator". If DX were here, no doubt a K would magically appear after the C. 8:22pm - The Coach announces Vengeance Night of Champions. Something about any former WWE Champion still on the roster being allowed to compete for the WWE Title. 8:23pm - Oh Christ, the cast of Jackass will be at Summerslam. Time to make plans to skip the Biggest Party of the Summer. 8:28pm - Carlito (RAW) vs. CM Punk (ECW) for the next Draft pick. This is a cool little dream match, actually. Punk wins with Go To Sleep. Second Draft Pick: The Boogeyman to ECW. What?! And Tazz acts all excited about it? This is fucking pathetic. Joey Styles: "Just what ECW needed - more freaks!" The real Tazz and Joey Styles died last year sometime. The soulless, empty shells drawing WWE paychecks would make the old Styles and Tazz sick to their stomachs. 8:36pm - Snoop Dogg is here to holla at Mr. McMahon, thanks him for "bringing real classy wrestlers like John Cena and Stone Cold Steve". It's all good. 8:40pm - Another Vince video package. Zach Gowan, kissing Trish, getting naked with Torrie, Kiss My Ass Club, chairshots, so many memories. I used to love this man. Now, I'd really love it if he went away for a good long time. 8:42pm - It's Hardcore Legend Mick Foley, my longtime close personal friend! Foley wants in on the Vengeance WWE Title match open to former WWE Champions. I like Foley promos and I don't mind him calling Vince names, but this is killing time and taking away from more shitty Draft picks. At the rate they're going, if they do nine matches tonight, that will probably end up with 3 people being switched between brands. Wow, that's really "shaking things up". Everything will sure be different. It's amazing how royally they are fucking up this opportunity to really do something interesting with their stale shows. Mick is still talking, for Heaven's sake. Foley goes through a list of people who rightly declined to appear tonight to "appreciate" Vince, and yet Foley is here so what does that make him? 8:52pm - Balls Mahoney (ECW) vs. Umaga (RAW) for the next Draft pick. Second ECW vs. RAW match in a row. Styles now says he's not happy about ECW getting the Boogeyman. Good, the real Joey Styles is alive in there somewhere. Umaga wins in a squash. Third Draft Pick: King Booker and Queen Sharmell drafted to RAW! And King Booker is in the building! Finally, some good news. Oh, how wonderful to gaze upon King Booker's splendid magnificence again. 8:58pm - Steve-O from Jackass sucks up to Vince. Fuck him. 8:59pm - Bobby Lashley (ECW) vs. Chris Benoit (Smackdown) for the fourth Draft pick. Another sort of dream match, the first meeting between these two as far as I know. Big Love season premiere is on. Must resist the urge to change the channel. I'd much rather be watching Bill Paxton's happy family of polygamy. But I'm here for the long haul. Why? I don't know. There is a jarring lack of drama for these supposedly important matches to determine their brand's Draft picks. The crowd is booing how Lashley isn't selling anything Benoit does to him. Lashley fucking sucks. Sell, you son of a bitch! Ugh! Lashley wins with one fucking powerslam. Ugh! This makes me sick. Fourth Draft Pick: Chris Benoit drafted to ECW. That's a good move for ECW. Benoit is an excellent person to main event that brand. He's the best man to be ECW World Champion, a far better fit for ECW than Lashley is. Tazz and Styles are thrilled and they should be. This is good news. JBL is awesome selling how Smackdown lost Benoit and King Booker, plus Boogeyman, which is hardly compensated for by gainng Khali. 9:12pm - Donald Trump doesn't appreciate Vince McMahon. I'm amazed Trump remembers Bobby Lashley and Umaga's names. 9:16pm - Recap of Waaashley getting suspended, sponsored by Ghost Rider. Waaaaahhh! Waaaaaaahhhhh!! Ashley's "not in the arena" but here "via satellite" to appreciate Vince suspending her. Ashley invokes Trish being forced to strip and bark like a dog in 2001. Hey, notice how Trish didn't cry like a wittle baby when Vince humiliated her? Oh good, Ashley "sends out" Mae Young and Moolah in lingerie to bark like dogs. I won't miss all three of those dogs. 9:24pm - Jimmy Snuka and Iron Sheik together to appreciate Vince. I can't believe Deuce is Snuka's son. What the fuck is Sheik talking about? I'd give anything for Sheik to break Vince's back, fuck his ass, and make him humble. 9:25pm - MVP (Smackdown) vs. Santino Marella (RAW). Another neat match idea, the United States Champion vs. the Intercontinental Champion. Great to see MVP on RAW. I dig both of these guys' entrance music. I like the opera part of Santino's theme. Brings back fond memories of Christian's first theme when he turned on Edge and went solo. Sloppy match. MVP's not good enough yet to carry a guy like Santino, but they're trying. The effort is there, I can assure you. Love MVP's running kick to the face in the corner. Playmaker finishes Santino. Fifth Draft Pick: Torrie Wilson to Smackdown. Another pick that makes sense. RAW doesn't need her, she was always out of place on Monday nights considering she never learned to wrestle well enough to compete for the Women's Title. I wish they'd talk to the people who got drafted so we can hear their thoughts on switching brands. Torrie seems pretty upbeat about it. 9:38pm - Bret Hart! He'd like to appreciate Vince by punching him about 30-40 times. Montreal was almost ten years ago but Bret will never forget or forgive. 9:39pm - The Miz (Smackdown) vs. Snitsky (ECW). I've never wanted to fast forward so badly. I just hope this is short. It was, but not by enough. What?! Snitsky won't stop hitting Miz so the decision is reversed and Smackdown gets the Draft pick? For God's sake. Sixth Draft Pick: Chris Masters to Smackdown. I'm clairvoyant or just damn good. I called this in my own Draft with Lance. He's underutilized on RAW. Masters even wore his blue trunks. It's like he knew he was going to the blue show or something. 9:45pm - Bobby The Brain Heenan sort of appreciates Vince McMahon. He looks old and emaciated, but he's still better than every single one of you humanoids. 9:50pm - Rowdy Roddy Piper still looks fat, but give him a break, this guy beat cancer. Vince's Proudest Moments video package. I'll give this to Vince: name another multimillionaire head of a major corporation who's been called continually gay, bathed in beer and shit, forced to piss his pants, and had his head both shaved and shoved up a giant's ass? He's a special kind of human being. 9:57pm - Mark Cuban appreciates Vince McMahon. If there's a worse-dressed billionaire out there, I don't wanna see him. 9:59pm - Candice Michelle (RAW) vs. Kristal (Smackdown). Nice. I still hate to hear Candice speak, but I like how much she's rapidly improving in the ring. Kristal is also not horrible for a novice and she moves groin-grabbingly well. Of course, Candice isn't good enough yet to carry Kristal. King inquires if Candice is dating anyone. Candice isn't married in storyline. "People are going to want to have sex with you and we want them to think they can." Candice wins easily with her spinning heel kick. Seventh Draft Pick: Bobby Lashley Drafted to RAW! Well, it's not like he hasn't been main eventing RAW for months now anyway. This seems to clear the path for Benoit to win that ECW Title. Coach is out now to strip Lashley of the ECW Title as per Vince's orders. Makes sense. Boogeyman notwithstanding, ECW has just improved quite a bit with Lashley gone. Bobby shouldn't speak but does anyway. He said nothing interesting. He never says anything interesting or says that not interesting thing well. 10:05pm - Bob Costas doesn't appreciate Vince McMahon because he never hired Costas to replace Mean Gene Okerlund. All kidding aside, Costas doesn't like Vince too much. 10:12pm - Triple Threat Match. Jeff Hardy (RAW) vs. Elijah Burke (ECW) vs. Batista (Smackdown). Chances of Smackdown not getting the next Draft pick? Zero. Even if Batista gets Drafted tonight (not likely with Lashley on RAW), he still gets his shot at Edge at Vengeance. I think this is the first time these three have faced each other in any capacity. It's novel to see Batista and Hardy in there. Batista was actually gonna job to the Swanton had Burke not saved the pin. Batista is doing a commendable job selling for the other two. Lashley could learn from this, that douchebag. Batista lays both out, Batista Bomb finishes Burke. No surprise but not a bad little match. Eighth Draft Pick: Ric Flair to Smackdown. Huh. I guess the dirty old man still gets to have Torrie ride Space Mountain. Wooooo! 10:19pm - He's gonna be your guiding light. Captain Lou, Captain Lou, Captain Lou! Albano says "I'm Captain Lou and I'm talking to you" twice. No one gets more milage out of saying the same thing twice than that guy. Hey kids, do you even know who Captain Lou is? He played Super Mario. He also managed some tag teams to some titles but that isn't important. 10:25pm - So there'll be a supplimental Draft on wwe.com on Wednesday. That's interesting. More changes afoot. Change is good. Maybe the company won't blow this chance to shake up the rosters after all. 10:27pm - Dusty Rhodes, the American Dream. The Dream, daddy. Rambling on and on, but he seems to appreciate how Vince will hire anyone, no matter how much that person hates Vince. That is one of Vince's greatest virtues. He can forgive anyone who can make him a buck. 10:32pm - Mean Gene Okerlund thinks Vince is simply the best. Tina Turner's not so sure. 10:34pm - Battle Royal for the final 2 Draft picks tonight: William Regal, Chavo Guerrero, Mark Henry, Chris Masters, Matt Hardy (Smackdown) vs. Kevin Thorn, Matt Striker, Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, Marcus Cor Von (ECW) vs. Eugene, Viscera, Kenny Dykstra, Johnny Nitro, Randy Orton (RAW). Everyone's wearing their colored brand shirts. Nice, all six announcer's mics are on. Start insulting each other, guys, or better yet, talk over each other. They're not. They're doing a remarkable job taking turns. Seems to me, since Smackdown has four and RAW and ECW only have two, RAW and ECW will get a Draft pick each to even it out a little. Henry tosses Viscera to set up the commerical break. 10:44pm - Battle Royal continues. Henry, Nitro, Orton, Masters, Hardy and Cor Von are still in the ring. Well, so much for my theory. Cor Von fucked up a Pounce and got tossed. ECW is gonna have to settle for just Boogeyman and Benoit tonight but could still lose anyone. Hardy tries the same technique to toss Henry that Benoit used on Big Show at the Rumble but Orton tosses Henry with the assist. Oh I see. One man will win the battle royal and get two draft picks for his brand. Orton wins the battle royal, not surprising. I'm dreading Matt Hardy's MySpace blog about this, I'll tell you that much. Ninth Draft Pick: Snitsky to RAW. Wow, RAW is turning into a big pile of shit. It's everything I feared it would be: musclemen Lashley and Cena vs. big monsters Snitsky and Umaga.. 10:52pm - Crazy Vince in his dressing room. I guess Vince is coming out. Well, that's it for me. I'm only here to live-blog the Draft. I'm not gonna endure a show-closing Vince McMahon angle in real time even with Stone Cold present. Here's where the Draft leaves us tonight. RAW: King Booker and Queen Sharmell, Bobby Lashley, Snitsky, Ken Kennedy It'll be interesting to see how much improvement/damage the supplimental Draft on Wednesday does. 11:07pm - Holy shit! Vince McMahon is dead. Well, I wanted him off the show, but not like this. Not like this!
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