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Bio
Rob was born the youngest of six brothers in a mining camp in rural Pennsylvania in 1892. His parents, illiterate Bavarian immigrants, died in a smallpox epidemic months later. Orphaned, the young Rob became property of the Allegheny Coal and Tar Company. The company put him to work as a “canary” until he was old enough to walk, when they gave him a rudimentary education and put him to work mining anthracite by day and spying on union organizers by night. At the age of 14, Rob left the mines to make his fortune in California. After narrowly escaping death in a knife fight in a hobo camp, Rob finally made his way to San Francisco. There he talked his way into a job as the manager of a Chinese brothel.
Finding nothing but disappointment in California, Rob hit the road again, earning money umpiring semi-pro and Negro League baseball games. The highlight of his career came in 1914 when he was hired by the nascent Federal League to work their games. Unfortunately for Rob, his happiness was short lived, as the Federal League dissolved after only two years. In the wake of the Federal League’s collapse, Rob swore to kill Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis. When the U.S. entered WWI, Rob enlisted in the Army and was assigned to a Logistics Division. Despite never seeing action, Rob nevertheless earned a Purple Heart when the jeep he was driving struck a cow on an English country road. While recuperating at an American hospital, Rob had numerous love affairs with local nurses. One of these affairs resulted in a pregnancy. The woman gave birth to a boy named Spiro T. Agnew, who would late become Vice-President of the United States.
Mustered out of the Army at the end of the war, Rob enlisted in Princeton University. Despite not having a high school education, Rob was successful enough at Princeton to be admitted to the University of Chicago School of Law. After graduating from law school, Rob established a practice in New York City, where he defended some of the countries most notorious murderers. The list of clients he successfully defended include Lizzie Borden, Sacco and Vanzetti, John Wilkes Booth, and David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam killer. Rob practiced law until WWII, when he was drafted back into the Army. This time he did see action, as he was deployed into the Pacific theater. Captured by the Japanese while defending a small island in Micronesia, Rob earned the scorn of his fellow soldiers when he bartered military secrets for his freedom. In 1944, Kenesaw Mountain Landis died under suspicious circumstances. No autopsy was performed.
After the war, Rob served under President Truman as Secretary of Commerce. Using his position to manipulate the stock market, Rob amassed a considerable fortune. After Truman left office, Rob found himself in the private sector once again. Searching for new challenges, he launched a singing career with his band, the Don’t-Telles. Rob and the Don’t-Telles achieved the peak of their success with their 1956 hit, “Wanna Grind With Ya.” However, it was all downhill after that, and the act broke up after one of Don’t-Telles died during a botched illegal back-alley abortion. Rob dabbled in different projects over the next few years. In the 60’s, he worked with the FBI to import cocaine into South Central Los Angeles. In the 70’s, he played both sides of the fence in Cambodia, smuggling guns to the Khmer Rouge and smuggling refugees out. And in the 80’s, he spent the better part of the decade working as a popular “veejay” for the cable music station MTV. Rob lost most of his fortune in the 80’s after heavy fines
for insider trading. But he was able to ride the rising crest of
the Internet to prosperity. He eschewed investing in dotcoms, preferring
instead to operate paid pornography websites. He has handed over
the day-to-day operation of his porn empire to his sons, and is
now enjoying his retirement on his houseboat in Maine. He lives
with his two dogs and Laotian mistress. He his currently hard at
work writing a screenplay based on his best-selling novel “The
DaVinci Code.”
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