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Rob's Head
June 29, 2005 It's my one month anniversary today. Actually, as my brother pointed out, there's no such thing as a one-month anniversary, because by definition the word "anniversary" denotes a yearly recurring date. There probably is a word for a monthly recurring date, but I don't know it. I'm not sure how you'd look that up, either. Go to the dictionary and browse around where you think it might be? Around "m", somthing like "mensiversary?" I was planning on staying up late last night playing Grand Theft Auto, but in the middle of a mission, I pulled out of a driveway, and a fucking plane crashed right on top of me. I took it as a sign I should just go to bed. June 20, 2005 "Birthdays was the worst days, -Notorious B.I.G. Actually, unlike Biggie Smalls, I always had great birthdays. And today was no different. Saw Batman Begins, played my new Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I didn't have to go to work. Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central LA, yes, today was a good day. Of course, I'm only 29 this year. Talk to me again next year and let's see what I say. I don't really have any good reason to be upset about turning thirty, and I'm not expecting to, but maybe things will be different when the number is staring me right in the face. I shouldn't stress too much though, I'm doing pretty well for this stage in my life. I just got married, and by this time next year I should own my own home, maybe even have a baby on the way. Actually, that sounds a little scary. What I'm most looking forward to is freaking out my relatives. I'm the oldest of all my cousins, so I'm the first to turn thirty. That's going to make all of my aunts and uncles feel old. My parents actually won't be too stressed out about it. They both turn fifty this year, so they're pretty young to have a son my age. They're actually pretty happy about their lot in life. Just turned fifty and both of their kids are long since out of college. Of course, they didn't have a lot of fun in their 20's. Actually, now that I think about it, yes, they did. I think they had more fun in their 20's than I did. Nice parenting, huh? June 17, 2005 Happy Bunker Hill Day! The Wedding Day The way weddings are set up is kind of funny. For however many months you're engaged, the bride is planning everything. The groom may do some stuff, but it's the bride calling the shots. She knows how she wants things, she sets it all up, she's in charge. She's doing everything right up until the night before, when she bails and leaves the groom in charge. And not only in charge, but with no means of communicating with her, the one who actually knows what's going on. I spent the whole morning running around and accomplishing
nothing much beyond just looking agitated. What was really stressing
me out was contemplating the game-time decision I was going to have
to make. We were planning on an outdoor ceremony, but we had a back-up
if it was raining. The forecast called for scattered showers, and
it drizzled briefly in the morning. I didn't want to end up moving
the ceremony under the roof and then have it be perfectly nice outside.
As it turned out, we got perfect weather. The sun came out about
fifteen minutes before the ceremony, and the clouds came back when
we were just about finished with the pictures. I think someone was
looking out for us. Which is extra-nice because, really, good weather
on your wedding day is actually pretty trivial in the grand scheme
of things. Whoever helped us out there might have been better off
making sure some kid didn't get killed in a car accident or something. I was getting really nervous about ten minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start because half of the people weren't there. Turns out they stopped at another wedding just a bit up the road from where we were. Some people actually sat down there. I know at a wedding you expect to not know half the people, but didn't they notice that it was the wrong groom? We pushed back the ceremony about ten minutes to give everyone time to get over. Everyone finally showed up, and we got the party started. I did have one last moment of panic when I looked at the front row where the parents were seated and realized that Christine's father wasn't there. I thought we were about to start the ceremony without him. It took me a few seconds to remember that he was actually right where he was supposed to be.
I don't remember that much about the ceremony itself. I remember that Christine looked terrified as she walked down the aisle on her father's arm. I remember saying our vows, though I barely remember what the words were. And I remember motorcycles riding by when one of our readers was doing her reading. But it's mostly pretty much a blur. We spent a year and a half planning and waiting for that moment, and then to be actually in the moment was surreal. When it was finally over, Christine and I walked out and she said, "That was too easy." All that fuss and bother, and all it really took to be married was about twenty five minutes in front of a guy who looked like Mike Ditka.
The reception was pretty cool. It's nice being the groom, all the service people kiss your ass. Seriously though, with all the problems I had with the Ocean View Inn, I was suprised at how good the wedding staff was. They were on top of everything, no fucking around, unlike the management of the goddamn place. The baretenders we had were cool too. The only guy who really sucked was the DJ. During introductions, he called me Richard. My father and my brother are both Richard, I don't know how many Richards he thought were in the family. I just think the groom's name is something you should really try hard to get right. He was shitty the rest of the night too. He didn't play the songs we asked him to play, and played a few songs (Cotton-Eye Joe, Macarena, Irish jigs) that we specifically asked him not to play. Then to top it all off, he ended the night sending out "God Bless the USA" to our troops. Fantastic, that's just what I wanted at my wedding, unthinking nationalism. I was actually planning on tipping him right up until then, but he blew it. I want to thank John for giving a great toast, especially that part when he told everyone to make sure to grab a piece of wedding cake before I ate it all. At least as long as we hang out with Lance, I won't be the biggest glutton we know. Everyone had a really good time at the reception. Christine's father actually thought about paying the DJ and bartenders to stay a little longer, but it ended up being better ending it when it was supposed to end. True, nobody wanted to leave, but do you really want to keep a party going until everyone's sick of it? Plus, Christine and I were exhausted. We had decided to, um, abstain for a few weeks before the wedding. It ended up only being a week before the wedding, but it was still good, because if we weren't good and horny, there's no way we could've worked up the energy to make this marriage official. I'm sure you all wanted to hear that. Tell you what though, if you want to see a little bit of the magic in bed on my wedding night, click here.
June 15, 2005 Before I get into recounting my wedding story, I have to talk a little bit about sitting in the Monster Seats last night. They were pretty cool, though it would have been nice if the temperature didn't suddenly drop from the 80's to the mid-50's in the afternoon. I went to work without a jacket, wearing only a polo shirt. Thus, I am now the proud owner of a brand new $55 Red Sox hooded sweatshirt. And I'm one of the lucky ones. Apparently, the souvenier shops all sold out of sweatshirts before the game started. I guess everyone else got stuck for a couple hundred bucks for a Red Sox jackets. It was interesting being up there, you get a good bird's eye view of things. We couldn't see the electronic scoreboard though, and obviously we couldn't see the hand operated scoreboard on the Green Monster. It was good to do once, but I don't think it was worth the $100 apiece we paid to sit up there. Especially not on a night as windy and cold as last night was. We left after the seventh, which is lame, but neither me nor my co-worker's husband really wanted to listen to the girls complain about the cold anymore. To be fair to them, they were both stuck up there wearing sandals. At least Wells didn't have a no-hitter going, then we would have had to say. I was just glad when Wells hit a batter to break up a perfect game bid. I don't think that big, fat fuck should be the only guy to ever throw two perfect games. Bachelor Party We started off the big wedding weekend with my bachelor party at the Foxy Lady in Providence, Rhode Island. Now, I had only ever been to one other strip club in my life, Cheaters, also in Providence. We went there for Lance's bachelor party, and it was as seedy and low-brow as the bachelor. The Foxy Lady was a whole different beast. The worst looking girl at the Foxy Lady was better than the best looking girl at Cheaters. Actually, the worst looking waitress was better than the best looking girl at Cheaters. In a lot of cases, the waitresses were hotter than the strippers there. It's a shame all the girls there don't strip. It's a shame all girls everywhere don't strip, actually. I went into the bachelor party with high minded ideals. I had gotten a lapdance at Cheaters and was left a little underwhelmed. Not to disparage Gemini, the hardest working stripper at Cheaters, but I definitely felt like it wasn't worth as much as I paid for it. And it left me feeling a little seedy afterwards. But, and I say this because I know my wife doesn't read the site, a couple of seconds at the Foxy Lady changed my mind pretty quickly. A lapdance is still not worth nearly what it costs, but a three-quarters naked girl grabbing you by the collar as soon as you walk in the door sure makes you forget that. I can see how people blow hundreds, even thousands of dollars at these places. How are you supposed to repsond when a hot girl sits in your lap and asks you if you want her get naked and rub her ass on your crotch? There's only one answer to that question: "Yes, please, repeatedly." Jeff had it right though when he voiced one complaint about the place: there were two many hot waitresses and massage girls, and not enough strippers. We had one German massage girl sitting with us for half the night, trying to get us to spend $10 on a back rub, but barely any of the girls tried to hit us up for lapdances. That was the biggest difference from the Foxy Lady to Cheaters, the girls didn't work as hard to get your attention. But I guess given the difference in attractiveness, the Foxy Lady girls really didn't have to. That's not their fault, but it might have been a better idea to go to a club that wasn't quite as good as the Foxy Lady. We certainly wanted to do better than Cheaters, but we may have overshot the mark with the Foxy Lady. It might have been too good for the likes of us. The other complaint we all had was how big a ripoff the all-nude room downstairs was. Upstairs was great. Numerous stages, hot waitresses everywhere, Red Sox-Yankees on big screen TV's, and strippers all over the place working the room. Downstairs, where we had to pay an extra $10 to get into, there was one stage with one girl dancing in front of a group of sketchy looking old guys. Our group of sketchy looking young guys couldn't even get close. There were girls up on the bar, but not too many of them. And it was creepily quiet down there. We only hung there for a few minutes before going back upstairs where all the fun was. I'm not going to disclose how many lapdances I got at my bachelor party, because it's entirely possible that my wife will someday read this. It was a good night though. Hopefully, John or Jeff will get on the ball and get married so I have a good excuse to go back sometime soon.
June 14, 2005 Guess who's back? Back again... That was a long time to be out of work. Most of everything that's happened to me in the past three weeks has seemed like a blur, but it still feels like a long time ago that I made my last entry. To sum up, I got married, went to Mexico for a few days, and then came back to America, where I am still married. Being married feels kind of weird, because it doesn't feel any different. I keep feeling like I should be doing something mature and husband-like. I don't think playing Metroid for six hours counts. Meanwhile, Christine is looking at cookbooks and baby names. I really should go trim the hedges or something. We live in an apartment, but if I found some hedges to trim, I'd probably feel better about myself. I have finally started sleeping with my ring on. For the first couple of weeks I couldn't wait to get that fucking thing off of my hand. Now my hand feels weird without it. The ring was good for some fun on the honeymoon though. I never got tired of teasing Christine by pretending to drop my ring in the pool filter. That's what they're there for. I'll be spending the next week or so catching everyone up on the past couple of weeks. It'll be a good way to sort things out in my own mind. I need to take a step back and process everything now that I'm back to regular life, "working" 9-5 again.
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