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November 19, 2004I WANT A PONY, AND A FIRETRUCK, AND A NO TRADE CLAUSEJeff: Scott Boras must think he’s been a very good boy this year, because he’s asked Santa for some pretty big gifts. He wants ten years for Carlos Beltran, five years at $11 million a year for Jason Varitek, and he wants everyone to forget how Derek Lowe totally sucked for two years before sacking up in this year’s playoffs. I suppose all of those things he’s asking for could be covered in one big wish: that we could go back in time to the winter of 2000. But he’d probably need to ask Superman for that one rather than Santa.
Rob: I guess he's shopping Derek Lowe as a "post-season horse."
The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon: It takes Derek Lowe six months just to warm up!
Rob: The problem is that with Derek Lowe anchoring your rotation, you're not likely to get to the post-season. And let's take a serious look at his Three Clinching Victories: the first one came through a relief appearance where he didn't pitch all that great, and the second two came against two numb and shell-shocked teams who just weren't hitting for shit anyway. After this season, the Red Sox look smart for not budging from the 3 years/$27 million offer during Spring Training, and stupid for going as high as a 3 year/$27 million offer during Spring Training.
Tony Atlas: Boy, you don't deserve this $27 million.
Rob: And don't get me started on Beltran. Ten years. In what, jail? Certainly not on a major league team. The Yankees are the only team that could possibly consider giving him ten years, and they're intimately familiar with what happens when centerfielders don't age as gracefully as you'd like them too. And Beltran doesn't even have that many steps to lose. There's not much of a chance that he's going to be worth $15-$20 million at the age of 37.
Jeff: So you're saying Bernie Williams, who, in his prime, was a better player than Carlos Beltran in pretty much every way, but hit the wall at 34 should send up caution flags to his own team's front office?
Scott Boras: That's a ridiculous comparison. Bernie Williams was a solid player, even a great player, but Carlos Beltran is an "icon player." Just like Mickey Mantle or Willie Mays.
Jeff: You mean the Mays who was washed up at 35 and the Mantle who was pretty much done at 32?
Scott Boras: No, more like an Alex Rodriguez, an icon player is a great investment for a franchise.
Jeff: We're talking about the guy who the Rangers paid $50 million to get rid of?
Scott Boras: Yeah, but Hicks wouldn't have had that $50 million if A-Rod hadn't increased the value of his franchise.
WHERE’S KORDELL WHEN YOU NEED HIM?Jeff: The Pittsburgh Steelers made a living out of squashing undefeated teams in November. With three running backs, good receivers, and a fast defense, they look like the team to beat in the NFL. They also have a ringer in the NFL Surname Spelling Bee with Ben Roethlisberger. Still, it’s a lot more fun watching those guys when they’re terrible. A smiling, happy Bill Cowher is really creepy. The red faced, spitting, screaming Cowher is the one I’ve come to love and the only one I want to know.
Bill Cowher’s Arteries: We’re pretty happy with the new Bill.
Rob: What's even better about the Steelers now is that Duce Staley's been hurt, so we get to watch big, fat Jerome Bettis rumble all over the field. There's nothing quite like fat guys running. After watching the Steelers destroy the Patriots and the Eagles, I can't imagine how in the hell they lost to the Ravens. Chances are the Patriots will get another shot at the Steelers in the playoffs, but the Eagles probably won't get a chance to avenge their loss, as NFL rules and United States law prohibit them from winning an NFC Championship game.
Jeff: According to Rush Limbaugh, the Eagles' failures are all Donovan McNabb's fault. People only think he's good because the media wants to see a black quarterback do well. And they've somehow forgotten Steve McNair exists.
Moe Szyzlak: Steve McNair is black?!
Rob: That was my favorite football story last year. Rush somehow forgot that the media likes to overrate quarterbacks in general, black or white. Exhibit A: Tom Brady.
Every NFL Announcer: Tom Brady's a proven winner, his two Super Bowl MVP's say he's the best quarterback in the league.
Tim McCarver: Exactly! Stats don't tell you the whole story, it's all about leadership and intangibles!
Rob: Riiight. I can't even imagine how overrated Brady would be if he were black. And I don't even want to think about putting Brady's looks together with a huge, black dick. Anyway, getting back to the Steelers, they really got a lot better when they got rid of Kordell. Now, there's a black success story. Any one athlete can excel, and it won't matter if he's white or black. But when a black guy gets to be a retread quarterback, bouncing from team to team, hoping to recapture past glory, now that's equality.
I LOVE THIS GAMEJeff: The NBA season started recently. Seriously, they’re playing basketball games which count in the standings and everything. I hear there’s a new team in Charlotte, too. I haven’t actually seen any of those things because the NBA is boring, unwatchable garbage, at least here in the Eastern Conference. Does anyone care about basketball anymore? Are Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee’s seats up for grabs this year?
Rob: Quick, name five Celtics! Can't do it, can you? All right, last year's champions! Okay, that was an easy one. How about this, what city do the Grizzlies play in? It is possible that our perspective on the NBA is a little skewed here in Boston, where even the Patriots have a hard time grabbing headlines away from Pedro Martinez sharing a meatball sandwich with George Steinbrenner. The only thing I know about the NBA this season is that Ron Artest had to take a couple of days off because he was tired from recording his rap CD.
George W. Bush: It's hard work.
Rob: The only other thing I'd be interested in is the first Lakers-Heat game. I'd love to see Shaq throw an elbow in Kobe's face. But not so interested that I'll take the time to find out when it's scheduled and whether or not it'll be on national TV.
Jeff: Hey, I know the answer to that one. It's the Christmas day national game. If the NBA were really interested in ratings, they'd skip the game altogether and just schedule a fight between Shaq and Kobe. I don't think there'd be a problem from Shaq's side, but getting Kobe in the ring might be a little more difficult. Maybe David Stern could promise him he could stick it in the ass of any girl he wanted, no rape charges necessary.
THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAMJeff: Evander Holyfield is the saddest story in sports.
Mike Tyson: Finally. But I’m content. I’m happy. I don’t even feel like raping Desiree Washington’s mother anymore.
Jeff: Good to hear. And at least you know when you’ve gotten your ass kicked. Holyfield still thinks he won when he landed 78 punches in twelve rounds to his washed up opponent’s 250. The New York State Athletic Commission found that a little troubling, too, and ordered Evander’s boxing license suspended until he completes some comprehensive neurological tests. Holyfield, of course, believes this is a giant conspiracy to prevent him from becoming undisputed heavyweight champion again. If he does manage to fight again somewhere in the world, everyone who had Johnny Tapia in the boxing dead pool might start getting worried.
Rob: I've never been a big Holyfield fan. The big, dopey religious guys just don't appeal to me. That's probably why I didn't vote for Bush. Who would've thought that Mike Tyson would end up with more mental acuity than Holyfield? Fading into Bolivian would be a smarter thing for Evander to do than ever step in a ring again. The only thing I'm not sure about right now is who it would be more entertaining to watch fight a lion.
Jeff: Evander always said he was never afraid before a fight because he knew Jesus would protect him. I don't know if Jesus is slacking off or decided he doesn't like Holyfield anymore, but he's providing as much protection as a torn condom. Maybe he should just covert to Islam.
Muhammad Ali: Sounds... like a great... idea.
Jeff: Hmm. Maybe not. BIG DADDYJeff: Pedro Martinez met with George Steinbrenner this week in Tampa, sending Yankee and Red Sox Internet message boards into utter chaos. You get the feeling that the Yankees fans would rather have Osama Bin Laden pitching for them than Pedro and the Red Sox fans would be more willing to forgive Hitler than they would Pedro for signing with the Yankees after saying he wouldn’t. The level of emotion, hatred, and overreaction is ridiculous. My feeling is that Pedro was just satisfying his curiosity. He knows he doesn’t want to pitch for the Yankees, and he knows the current Yankees don’t want him there, either. But if he makes the Red Sox a little worried and gets some entertainment value out of a meeting with Steinbrenner, then it was time well spent. This is his first time as a free agent, free to talk to anyone in baseball he wanted. How could he pass up a chance to meet with the Boss? I know I couldn’t.
Rob: Man, I wish there was a camera at that meeting. What could those two have talked about? How much they both hate Zimmer? How Pedro would have to get rid of those damned sideburns if he wanted to play for the Yankees? Pedro has to be smarter than to sign with the Yankees. I know it's all about the money, but if he signed with the Yankees and the Yankees didn't win the World Series, then the way the fans treated Kevin Brown will look like a ticker tape parade compared to what they'll do to Pedro.
Jeff: Hoo-boy do the Yankees fans hate Kevin Brown. They want to see the Yankees void his contract, the United States void his citizenship, and the mafia void his life. It's hard to imagine them hating Pedro even more, but it's true. The funny thing about Steinbrenner is that for all the rules and demands of professionalism, his personal favorites were Reggie Jackson, Billy Martin, Darryl Strawberry, and David Wells. If Pedro could come up with an addiction besides Soul-Glo, he could be the Boss's new pet. ON ICERob: The Stanley Cup Champions, the Tampa Bay Lightning, if you care, received their championship rings in the most depressing fashion ever this week. No fanfare, no pomp, no ceremony, as the 15 or so members of last year's team who aren't playing in Europe right now and team officials got special permission to speak civilly to each other for long enough to distribute the rings. At least they may get the satisfaction of being Stanley Cup winners in perpetuity. The deadline to cancel this season is coming up, and the NHL's popularity at this point is in danger of dipping below Major League Soccer, indoor lacrosse, and World's Strongest Man competitions. Not looking good for the future of the NHL.
Jeff: I have to admit that I've never watched an entire hockey game in my life. It's a little strange since I'm a total sports nerd and do actually watch those World Strongest Man competitions (Mariusz Pudzianowski is a freak among freaks), but I just can't get into hockey. There's a lot to like, with the action, athleticism, and violence, but I think I miss the long breaks in the action to discuss what's happening. That's not to say I don't care if they don't come back. I have a lot of friends who are hockey fans and I wouldn't want them to have to resort to watching the NBA. That would be even more sad than the homeless drunks who've resorted to drinking Listerine.
Rob: I'm just mad because I only got into hockey last year. Nice investment. I have to admit that I was reduced to watching a Celtics game last week to satisfy my sports craving, but during a commercial I flipped to a good episode of Law & Order, and I forgot I was watching the basketball game. Winter sucks. No baseball and football's only once a week. God, I wish I lived in the Dominican Republic.
Pedro: You wouldn't have 50 cents to ride the bus.
Rob: Still, winter ball sounds pretty sweet right now.
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