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November 29, 2004THE ARTEST FORMERLY KNOWN AS A BASKETBALL PLAYERRob: In a brilliant PR move this week, Ron Artest and the Indiana Pacers got the NBA millions of dollars worth of free publicity by going into the stands and attacking fans who had thrown beer at Artest. NBA Commissioner David Stern responded by suspending Artest for the rest of the season. That's probably for the best - Artest didn't seem to be showing a lot of interest in playing basketball this season. I just don't understand the fan that threw the cup. In what part of Detroit does he live where you can throw a cup of beer in a big black guy's face and not face the consequences? Jeff: In the part of Detroit where Artest lives, for one. I can't understand how the ESPN guys that night were placing all the blame on the fans. They actually claimed Artest didn't do anything that any other player wouldn't have done. Lee Elia: My fucking ass! Jeff: Sure, I can totally see Tim Duncan running into the stands
after he got hit with a cup of beer, beating on the wrong guy. The
dude Artest jumped still had a cup in his hands. Shouldn't that
have indicated to him that he might have gotten the wrong guy? So
now he's losing $5 million Rob: You can't blame "the fans" as a whole, but I do
blame the specific fan who threw shit at Artest. Should he have
gone into the stands after the guy, even had he been able to identify
the correct guy? No, of course not. And even if this had happened
on the street, some guy throwing beer at you does not give you license
to kick his ass, but if you do get your ass kicked for it, it's
your own fault. If you throw beer at a guy, and that guy kicks someone
else's ass..., well, I'm not sure where the blame goes there, Tony Dungy: Blaming Artest is more racist than Nicolette Sheridan seducing Terrell Owens. Rob: Well, I wouldn't go that far, but I'm curious as to how many people waxed eloquent on how low a point the NHL had reached when Terry O'Reilly went into the stands thirty years ago. Jeff: Probably the same number as when Babe Ruth went into the stands, but far fewer than when Ty Cobb did the same. And I think the reaction to Artest has far more to do with his personality and media-relation similarities to Ty Cobb than his skin color similarity to Babe Ruth's alleged grandparent. YANKEDRob: Drew Henson got his first NFL start on Thanksgiving Day. It didn't go great, as Bill Parcells said "Fuck this," and lifted him for 67 year old Vinnie Testaverde at the half. I'm personally hoping that this leads to another couple of years of frustration for him. I don't have anything against him, but it was way too funny to watch him waste George Steinbrenner's money struggling in the Yankee's system for me not to want to see more of the same. Jeff: Drew Henson's Yankee career was awesome. They just kept promoting him to where they thought he was supposed to be, regardless of his inability to hit a curve ball. Or a good fastball, slider, or change. Things never work out well for Drews starting in front of Tom Brady. Maybe there's something to that. Dan Shaughnessy: I've got a great book idea! Rob: Drew Henson may be the future of that franchise, but it's not likely that Bill Parcells will be patient enough to find out if that's true or not. Bill's not exactly a long view kind of guy. He'll be walking out on his Dallas contract before Drew hit's his prime. Maybe I just don't understand the competitive spirit of a professional athlete, but if I was Drew Henson, I wouldn't have given up on baseball so quickly. All he had to do was show up every March with a bat on his shoulder for a few more years, and he would've collected the rest of his big Yankee contract. Instead, he gave up playing under the sun all summer for guaranteed money for getting yelled at by Bill Parcells and running away from Ray Lewis and Brian Urlacher for very much not guaranteed money. Do you not have to be smart to get into Michigan? Jeff: The biggest problem with Henson's giving baseball any more time is that he proved pretty conclusively that he's not very good at it. So he could hang around for a few years collecting checks and get too old to start something he might actually be able to do well, or make the jump now before it's too late. Athletes generally like to be good at their sport and he'd rather be an aspiring young quarterback at 24 than a never-was third baseman at 27. NATIONAL EXPOSURERob: The Expos are no more after MLB announced this week that the recently moved franchise will be known as the Nationals. "The Nationals" is okay, definitely better than the "Senators." Was there really anything glorious about the Senators that made the old name worth bringing back? The other idea was to honor the Negro Leagues by naming the Washington franchise the "Grays." That's all right, but it didn't make much sense, since the Grays were never based out of Washington. Why the Grays anyway? Personally, I like the sound of the "Washington Cuban X Giants" or the "Washington Black Yankees" much better. Jeff: I'm partial to the "Zulu Cannibal Giants" myself, or the "Washington Clowns," but a lot of that would depend on Vinny Castilla and Christian Guzman's shadowball skills. Speaking of those two, it's nice to see the Nationals commit to two and four seasons to them, respectively. It ensures the continuation of the proud tradition of mediocre Washington baseball. Rob: Does buying the Nationals entitled you to kick Jim Bowden in the balls? Because that's what I'd feel like doing to my GM as soon as took control of my new team. I'd love to know who he thought he was bidding against for Christian Guzman's services. I know athletes usually have unrealistic expectations, but that had to surprise Christian himself. If he'd give those two jackasses that many years, he'd probably give Beltran a 30-year contract. Scott Boras: As is only fitting for a player of Beltran's stature. I'm going to give Jim a call. Jeff: Jim Bowden and Omar Minaya are currently in competition for the award for worst GM in the majors. Or as Peter Gammons calls it, "Executive of the Year." Peter Gammons: Understand, Jim Bowden is a special person, from an upbringing second only to Mark Shapiro. Upbringing. I WAS GOING TO REPORT TO CAMP, BUT THEN I GOT HIGHRob: Agents for the enigmatic Ricky Williams reportedly have been trying to work out a deal with the NFL for Rickey to return to the league next season. Rickey Henderson: Finally. You know, Rickey can still run. Rob: No, Rickey, I meant another Ricky. Rickey Henderson: There's only one Rickey. Rob: True enough. Anyway, Ricky Williams himself has professed little interest in returning to the NFL, preferring to continue to study holistic medicine, whatever the hell that is. Should Williams return to the NFL, it might be in his best interest to never play for or against the Dolphins ever again. While you can't blame one guy for sending a season into the shitter, there are probably a few Dolphins who would like to take some of that 1-9 frustration out on Williams, be it during a game or during practice. Also, it might be a good idea to make sure his address is unlisted, just in case Dave Wannstedt gets his hands on a phone book any time soon. Jeff: It's probably less likely that Ricky will run into former teammates if he joins the Dolphins next year than if he goes somewhere else. Wannstedt's long gone, the front office is changing again, and I can't imagine too many players will survive this coming offseason. And I mean that in a professional football roster cuts kind of way, not in a professional wrestler "dead in a hotel" kind of way. The Ghost of Curt Hennig: Thanks for clearing that up. It's perfectly clear now. Perfect! Rob: Dan Marino looks pretty smart for not getting on board that ship. He seems pretty happy hanging with Greg, Shannon and Boomer right now. Dan Marino: You're right, except that part about Boomer. Ha ha! Shannon Sharpe: Yeah, that's my only regret about taking this job. Ho ho! Deion Sanders: Why do you think I came out of retirement? I was sick of Boomer. He he! Phil Simms: How do you think I feel? People are always confusing the two of us. It's ruins my day every time. Heh heh! Boomer Esiason: Yeah, yeah, whatever guys. But seriously, I swear to God I will one day fucking kill you all. THE MIRACLE WORKERRob: Rumors continue to fly that the Yankees will acquire Randy Johnson sometime this season. If the Yankees could land the Big Unit, Johnson would be expected to anchor the Yankee rotation, give them a dominant left-handed starter, go 33-0, lead them to the World Series, find Osama bin Laden, and cure cancer. Jeff: And if they don't win that World Series, it's because Randy's not a "true Yankee" like David Wells or Andy Pettitte. I'm not sure what you have to do to become a "true Yankee." It's not winning a World Series, because Mattingly and Matsui are included. It's not having a good postseason, since A-Rod isn't included. I'll have to ask them over at nyyfans.com and wade through the three pages of junk to find the one guy who responds that isn't a total retard. JeterFan24215: screw you you fukkin suxx fan!!!!!! 26-1!!!!! Jeff: It's 26-6, but anyway, as much as the Yankees fans are expecting them to end up with the Big Unit, they just don't have anything of value to trade. It probably wasn't the best idea to unload the farm system to get Aaron Boone (who may or may not be a "true Yankee") last year. Rob: Actually, I think Bill James just came up with a formula to
quantify how much of a true Yankee you are. I don't know how all
the math works out, but I know it involves a player's OPS with runners
in scoring position, the number of playoff games he's been in with
the Yankees, and his similarity score to Paul O'Neill. The scale
goes from -1 to 1. Zero, is the baseline for guys who've never played
for the Yankees, -1 is for Kevin Brown-level villians, and 1 is
a perfect level of Yankee-tude acheived Tim McCarver: Stats can't tell you what a winner is. Rob: Well, by this measure, if you have 25 Derek Jeters, all with a True Yankee Score of 1, they would average out to 1, as in a perfect certainty that they Yankees would win a World Series. You can't argue with that, can you? Tim McCarver: I, uh, well, I gotta go. |
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