|
External
|
December 2, 2004SAY IT AIN'T SO, JASON!Rob: Jason Giambi shocked maybe a half dozen people this week with his admission that he'd used illegal steroids. To the rest of the free world, it was confirmation of what's been pretty clear since even before the BALCO news came out. It wasn't so much Giambi's size and production during his good years that tipped everyone off as much as what happened to him after MLB instituted serious steroid testing. Shrinking and sucking so dramatically in such a short time is a pretty clear sign that your body isn't necessarily all natural. Jeff: Giambi was probably the most obvious case in baseball. There are guys who lose a lot of weight in an offseason, guys who fall off a cliff production-wise, and guys who keep tearing tendons, but when you have all three in addition to a tumor, chances are excellent you're on steroids. Now comes the best part, the witch hunt. Until you give Tom Verducci a cup of urine and a vial of blood, you're presumed guilty, unless you're Gary Sheffield. Aside from a pretty good riding from the fans at Fenway, Sheffield's somehow escaped any condemnation from the media even though he admitted to using a steroid cream, which he claimed he didn't know at the time contained anything illegal. Riiight. You pay thousands of dollars for some cream and you don't suspect there's anything funny in there? For that money I'd be disappointed if it contained anything less than God's semen. Rob: Sheff gets off easy because people don't think what he did was actually so bad. Right or wrong, people feel like there's a difference between rubbing cream on your legs and sticking a hypodermic needle into your ass cheeks. It's all about the visuals. And Sheffield's treatment at Fenway isn't even going to be close to what Giambi hears on Opening Day next April. As if the fans weren't going to be jacked enough- Pete Carroll: Pumped and jacked! Rob: -for raising the World Series flag in front of the Yankees, now they have the Giambi thing to concentrate on. I doubt they'll even boo him, since they'll be so happy he gave them more material. Those fans aren't going to be able to chant fast enough to keep up with everything. You're going to see 35,000 people go into schaudenfreud overload. Jeff: The Red Sox should just pass out a schedule of events for opening day. Everyone needs to know exactly when to tell Giambi that he uses steroids, when to mention they come from BALCO, when to remind him that he had a tumor, and when to ask him who his dealer is. Red Sox might have to pitch around the middle of the Yankee lineup to make sure Giambi gets his four plate appearances so everything can be covered. And that's not even mentioning the usual riding of Jeter, A-Rod, and Posada that needs to be squeezed in. The fans will really have to be in midseason form on Opening Day.
INTO THE VOIDRob: Predictably, the revelations of Giambi's steroid use have led to the Yankees exploring voiding his contract. They legitimately got rid of Aaron Boone when he was unlucky enough to hurt himself playing basketball, which was specifically proscribed in his contract. And then they explored voiding Kevin Brown's contract after he broke his hand punching a wall, which is not against any clauses in his contract. The Yankees need to learn that you can't just void everyone's contract when they fuck up, especially when very specific penalties for steroid use are written into the CBA. I have to admit though, that I'd like to get Jeff Kent a Yankee contract and a new dirt bike, just to see what would happen. Jeff: All those terrible Yankee contracts don't seem that bad if they can find a way to weasel out of every one of them. I can't wait for 2008 when they plant a copy of the Quran and a dirty bomb in Derek Jeter's locker. But I'm not sure how I feel about voiding contracts because of steroids. Actually, I know exactly how I feel. I'd like to see teams be able to get out from under huge contracts and use the money on players who can actually earn their money, just not if that team is the Yankees. Having the first case be Giambi clouded my thinking, but anything that fucks them over is cool with me. Rob: Yeah, if the Yankees are going to keep throwing big, crappy contracts around, they shouldn't be able to weasel out of them. This ain't the NFL, there's no cuts. And I don't know which Player's Association the Yankees think they've been dealing with for the past thirty years, but the one I know doesn't take too kindly to infringements on the rights of their members to make more money than God regardless of actual skill level or moral standing. But then, maybe they can take on the MLBPA and win. Gene Ozra: Heh, heh, heh. That's pretty funny. Rob: I know, I'm just messing with you. TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAMRob: Anna Benson, very much Met's pitcher Kris Benson's better half, told Howard Stern this week that if Kris ever cheated on her, she would fuck every member of the Mets, the trainers, scouts, clubhouse guys, grounds crew, vendors, TV announcers, etc. My first thought is how much I'd like to see that if any of the Mets front office employees were also hot women. My second thought is that Anna Benson is a dirty, dirty girl, which makes me like her even more than I did before. Peter Gammons: Look, Omar Minaya pushed the Kris Benson signing because he knows Anna Benson is a very special person. Her commitment to her husband is rooted in her deep seated values. Jeff: So here's my plan, I'll get a job somewhere in the Mets organization, hire a stripper to seduce Kris Benson, and be the first person to tell Anna about it. After she gets even, in order to avoid being murdered by Kris, I'll move to the Dominican Republic, claim I have a rare skin disorder that causes this blinding whiteness, change my name to Javier Sanchez, and get a fake birth certificate to that effect which says I'm 18 years old. Then I'll try and find a Mets scout and get signed by the team as a second base prospect. Hopefully I'll make the majors around the time when Anna's getting to the September call-ups. Rob: Seems like a pretty complicated plan. Why don't you just bang the stripper? Jeff: Who's the stripper looking to get even with? THE FAME GAMERob: Hall of Fame ballots were mailed out this week, touching off the yearly debates over Goose Gossage, Alan Trammel and Jim Rice. My favorite part of the Hall of Fame voting is finding out which guys got that one vote. I say this year it's Jeff Montgomery. What I'd really like to know is who casts that one vote. Who was the guy last year who thought Terry Pendleton should be immortalized next to Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb? Who voted for Danny Tartabull? Tim Wallach? Jim DeShaies? There should be a Hall of Fame for just those guys. Jeff: You have to wonder what they're thinking. Did they really believe that Steve Bedrosian deserved to be enshrined in the Hall of Fame or did they just think it would be a nice thing to do for a player they liked? But what it someone were really popular and all the writers wanted to do something good for him? I don't want to wake up one morning in January to find out Tom Candiotti's in the Hall of Fame. But you're right about those guys needing a place of their own. Even if he wasn't the best of the best, it would be a shame if future generations forgot about Chili Davis. So I'd suggest the creation of the Midcard Hall of Fame to celebrate those who have made it onto a Hall of Fame ballot, but about whom no rational Hall of Fame argument could possibly be made. Dan Gladden: I completely agree. Rob: I suppose it's worth mentioning that Wade Boggs is the only current candidate who deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Buck O'Neil: Now, hold on there son. Hasn't you ever heard of a fella by name of Louis Santop? Called him the Black Babe Ruth. Rob: Well, sure I know about Louis Santop, but he's not on the ballot. He'd have to get in through the Veteran's Committee, whatever their rules are these days. Buck O'Neil: Don't need no Veteran's Committee to tell me old Louis Santop is a Hall of Famer. If you'd ever seen him play, you'd know it too. Rob: Actually, did you ever see Santop play? Because he was a pretty early- Buck O'Neil: Yep, Louis Santop, could hit a ball a mile. There's other fellas should be in there too. What about ol' Satch? He called me "Nancy," you know. Rob: Satch is in the Hall of Fame. Buck O'Neil: I know that. But don't you suppose he should be in there twice? THE GAMBLERRob: Cecil Fielder (1 Hall of Fame vote in 2004) made news for the first time in years when he launched a libel suit against the Detroit Newspaper Agency, which is an awesome name for a company, for $25 million after they ran a story claiming he lost $47 million through gambling losses and bad business decisions. Speaking of bad business decisions, apparently one of his biggest creditors happens to be Trump Hotel and Casinos. Donald Trump: See, the bankruptcy is all because of that deadbeat Fielder. I knew it couldn't be my fault, I'm a financial genius. All my ventures succeed. Rob: Sure they do. And how are the New Jersey Generals doing this season? Donald Trump: You're fired! Rob: Whatever. I don't know what Cecil was gambling on, but apparently it wasn't baseball, since he now owns exactly one more lifetime Hall of Fame vote than Pete Rose. Jeff: It's sad what's happened to Cecil Fielder, but not nearly as sad as what's happened to his brothers in the buffet line. It wasn't that long ago that fat men roamed the baseball diamonds nearly in the numbers as they did the local malls. There was Cecil, John Kruk, Mo Vaughn, Sid Fernandez, Rich Garces, and Kent Hrbeck, just to name a few. Now, aside from a Molina or two, they've gone the way of the buffalo. I really wish I'd enjoyed that time more when I had the chance. Rob: It was a disappointing day when I realized that Dave Ortiz isn't as fat as I thought he was. Major League teams should be drafting offensive linemen out of college. They probably wouldn't hit much worse than Drew Henson did, and they'd certainly be more entertaining. Jeff: That would be so awesome. I'd love to see baseball players
whose belt buckles are completely obscured by their hanging bellies.
Even better than that would be seeing them attempt to slide. The
only way you'd be able to make it look more like the Hindenburg
would be to tattoo a swastika on their asses.
|
 |