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December 17, 2004
ROID RAGE
Rob: Fallout from the BALCO investigation continues as fans react
to revelations that Barry Bonds "unknowingly" used steroid
provided to him by his personal trainer. I guess he thought he gained
forty pounds of muscle from eating steaks. Baseball fans are clamoring
for tougher steroid testing, or at least they are if you believe
ESPN. Myself, I've never seen anyone clamor for anything, and I'm
not sure I'd recognize clamoring if I did. Nevertheless, whether
you believe Bonds or not, it's going to be kind of shitty when he
passes Aaron for the home run record and people are more skeptical
than impressed with his ability.
Jeff: It's easy to forget that he won three MVP awards before there
were even whispers of steroids. It would have been four if it weren't
for Terry Pendelton. Even if he'd never taken the stuff that made
the sides of his head consume his ears, Barry Bonds would have been
considered among a handful of all time greatest players. He had
500 steals, 500 homers, and a career OPS right around 1.000. Now
there isn't anything he can do to clear his name, although it doesn't
appear as if he cares. He'll make some laughably ridiculous claims
that he didn't know what he was taking and keep on hitting baseballs
into orbit. The only surprising part of this whole case is that
the guy in the middle of everything, his childhood friend, Greg
Anderson, is white. I was shocked when I saw that one.
Rob: There's no doubt that with or without steroids, Barry Bonds
is one of the best, if not the best, baseball player of his generation.
And even with the steroids, he's still a lot better than all of
the other guys who are on steroids too. How many home runs did the
steroids give him? Do the home runs he hit off of pitchers who were
also using steroids count as normal home runs? Looking at Barry's
gaudy numbers will probably always be annoying, but so will looking
at Todd Helton's numbers. Sure, playing in an extreme hitter's park
isn't quite the same and deliberately using a specifically banned
illegal substance, but the point is that they've done what they've
done, and the other guys who used steroids or played in Coors Field
didn't. And neither of them are exactly bad off steroids or on the
road. So, I don't think it's valid to doubt everything Barry's done
for the past few years.
Jeff: I just wonder if anyone will ever forget about the whole BALCO
thing. Fifty years from now, when someone looks at Barry's 73 homers,
will they immediately think of steroids? Will the story be permanently
attached to the number, like the 162 games it took Maris to pass
Ruth? I guess that's for history to decide. Or the history that
the present will become in the future, whatever you want to call
it.
MET LIFE
Rob: Pedro Martinez gave Red Sox Nation a kick in the balls for
Christmas, signing with the New York Mets for four years and upwards
of $50 million. It's not so much that he left for another team,
I think we all lost our innocence in that respect a long time ago,
but all the reports all week long had him staying with the Red Sox.
Now it's unclear whether he ever had any intention of staying with
the Red Sox at all, or whether he was just using them as a bargaining
chip to get Omar Minaya to increase the Mets' offer. I can't say
I blame Pedro for taking the money, after all, it's not likely that
he'd get another chance at a $13 million year after completing the
three year contract the Red Sox offered him, but, man, the Mets?
Dude, seriously? I would have hated Pedro on the Yankees, but I
think I'm just going to feel sorry for him on the Mets.
Jeff: It wasn't about the money, it was about the respect. And how
do you show an athlete respect? Pay him a lot of money, even if
there's very little chance he'll be healthy enough to earn it.
Mo Vaughn: A man's gotta eat.
Jeff: When Latrell Sprewell said that, it came off as pathetically
out of touch, but coming from you, it sounds like a sincere accounting
of your food budget. Regardless, Pedro was looking for the most
money he could get out of a National League team. It's not just
the Yankees against whom he struggles; he's had a tough time in
recent years against the Orioles and Blue Jays, too. The teams most
familiar to him have finally started to figure him out, so a fresh
start was his best career move. Stick him on the Mets, in the abysmal
NL East, and he could conceivably win a Cy Young award and lead
them to the playoffs, just as soon as Bobby Cox and Leo Mazzone's
contract with the devil runs out.
Rob: Who was the last team not named the Atlanta Braves to win the
AL East? A quick check reminds me that it was the Phillies in 1993,
who actually played the Braves in the NLCS. I forgot that Atlanta
used to be in the NL West. That was gay. Anyway, best of luck to
Pedro in New York. If he stays healthy, I'm sure he'll pitch just
fine and spend the next four years stacking up his Hall of Fame
numbers, I'm just not so sure how well the Mets are going to do
under Omar Minaya. He seems to love to pay pitchers a lot of money.
At least Pedro's a lot more likely to earn his money than Kris Benson.
Jeff: Omar's "paying pitchers too much money" phase is
likely to be more beneficial to his team than his "trading
for injured Yankees" phase. Neither is a good bet to lead to
success, but at least he's fucking up in a less destructive way.
FAT BASTARD
Rob: The Red Sox, who lost out on the Carl Pavano sweepstakes,
bolstered their rotation this week by signing veteran pitcher David
Wells. David Wells, a noted big fat ugly Yankee, could potentially
be the Red Sox Opening Day starting pitcher, as Curt Schilling announced
that he may not be ready to pitch until May.
Bender: Are we boned?
Leela: We're boned.
Rob: To this point, it's hard to disagree with that. The Red Sox
will likely look to acquire free agent Matt Clement or Marlins pitcher
AJ Burnett. They've made inquiries regarding Randy Johnson and Tim
Hudson, but don't really have the prospects to get those deals done.
You have to give them credit, they haven't overpaid for pitching.
The problem with that is that everyone else is, which leaves the
Red Sox out in the cold for the time being.
Jeff: It's a tough call. Do you totally waste your money on mediocrity
just to fill out a rotation? Or do you hope something magical happens
in January to fix everything? It seems like every available pitcher
is pretty much the same (outside of Hudson, Unit, and Pedro). They're
all just under 30, they've all had serious injuries, they all have
one good season under their belt, they all have someone who likes
their stuff, and they all have league average career ERAs. That's
somehow worth $21 million over three years. I'd try and work a trade
for AJ Burnett.
AJ Burnett: Chilly weather today, but what's in store for the weekend?
I'll have the forecast, after this.
Rob: I think he means a different AJ Burnett.
Jeff: He seems to have the highest ceiling of everyone out there,
but I might feel kind of shitty in three years paying for his second
Tommy John surgery while Hanley Ramirez is an All Star for the Las
Vegas Marlins.
Rob: After hearing concern about Pedro's shoulder for years, it
would be nice to land a stud workhorse like AJ Burnett. Honestly,
if the Red Sox got as much time out of Burnett as it takes for Hanley
Ramirez to make the majors and become an All-Star, they'd be happy.
They're falling behind the Yankees in the arms race, and something
tells me that they're not going to get back to the World Series
riding John Halama.
Jeff: I believe one of the perks Pedro was asking for was a saddle
so he could literally ride John Halama into the World Series.
ICY RECEPTION
Rob: The NHL Players Association and the NHL owners got together
this week in a last ditch attempt to save the hockey season. It
didn't go so good. The players offered an across the board 24% pay
cut in all player salaries and a luxury tax alternative to a salary
cap. They owners rejected that and countered with proposal that
included a progressive salary cut and a hard salary cap. The players
said fuck that and flew back to Sweden to resume playing for their
European teams. So, hold off on making any plans for watching the
Stanley Cup this year. This one could drag on for a while. The players
have an almost Curt Flood-ian hatred of management and the option
of playing elsewhere while the lockout drags on. The owners have
packed in a significant war chest to keep them afloat. Some owners
are actually losing less money by locking out than they would if
the season was going on right now. That's when you know there's
something wrong with your business.
Jeff: When even the players think they're overpaid by at least 24%,
your industry is completely fucked up. How could it get to that
point? I know teams kept moving around, looking for the pot of gold
in each new city, but they had to know that couldn't last forever.
Homer Simpson: Everything lasts forever.
Jeff: Even I, someone who doesn't follow or care about hockey in
any way whatsoever, could see that the owners were giving out contracts
they couldn't possibly cover. How? They're all successful business
men. They know bad investments. I can understand the prestige or
franchise value argument for NFL or MLB owners, but outside of Canada,
who's impressed if you own a hockey team?
Rob: I like how every time I mention hockey, you have to make sure
everyone knows that you're not a fan. Don't worry, no one's going
to give you a Cam Neely jersey for Christmas if you forget to make
that disclaimer.
Jeff: You never know. With thousands of new readers every day, I
have to watch out for what I'll get from them for the annual Back
of the Head site appreciation week, January 8-14. Mark your calendars.
THE MAILMAN RINGS TWICE
Rob: Kobe Bryant, who somehow thinks he has the moral high ground
to criticize former teammates, took a shot at Karl Malone this week
for making a pass at his wife. Karl Malone, long known as one of
the NBA's most lecherous stars and prominent bad boys, denied any
inappropriate intent and expressed a desire to stay the fuck out
of this whole thing. Reading Kobe's wife's account of the conversation,
I can see why Kobe's a little annoyed. However, it still wasn't
as bad as taking another woman up to your hotel room and fucking
her in the ass, so I'm not really buying Kobe as a chivalrous defender
of his wife's honor.
Jeff: Kobe's at the point now where he's trying way too hard to
prove he loves his wife. I'm sure she liked the million dollar diamond
ring, but freaking out on Karl Malone in the media probably isn't
going to help his cause. Kobe's a great example of the limitations
the media has on their ability to control public perception of a
celebrity. Even if you have every influential reporter on your side,
even if you have the most successful basketball team in the world
making you the face of the organization, and even if the league
has declared you the next great role model, if you're an asshole
it will eventually get out. I'll never distrust Shaquille O'Neal
again.
Rob: This image reversal of Kobe's has really hurt the NBA's effort
to get white people to start watching basketball again. He should
really just embrace this turnaround and go all-out thug. Put in
the cornrows, get Japanese characters tatooed on your neck, get
chased by the police after running a red light and let them find
some chronic in his glove compartment, the whole deal. Granted,
he's got a lot of work to do to catch up to the Allen Iversons and
the Ron Artests, but I believe in Kobe and his natural dislikeablity.
Shaquille O'Neal: Me too.
Karl Malone: Same here.
Phil Jackson: Got that right.
HOOD ORNAMENT
Rob: Back of the Head favorite Mike Tyson caught a break when the
man who accused him of jumping on the hood of his car dropped the
charges against him after Tyson agreed to pay for the damages. I
don't know if I'd be so forgiving. I would've been scared shitless
if Mike frickin' Tyson jumped on the hood of my car and started
screaming at me. He may not be dangerous as a boxer anymore, but
as a sociopath, he's still right up there.
Mike Tyson: I'm just a child, an ignorant fool. What do you expect
from me?
Rob: Not to kill me, please.
Jeff: Please. Mike won't kill anyone. He'll sure give you a good
beating and raping, though. If he jumped on my car and damaged the
hood, I'd demand money for a new hood and an autograph on the old
one. Then I'd sell it on Ebay to someone with more money than brains.
Todd McFarlane: I'll give you three million dollars for it!
Jeff: Deal.
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