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December 28, 2004
WHITE OUT
Rob: This year's White Christmas didn't last much longer than that
as Reggie White missed all the good Boxing Day fun by dying of a
heart attack that morning. White retired, and died, with 198 career
sacks, and was a cornerstone of the Green Bay Packers teams of the
late 90's, but I'll always remember him for his awesome sermons.
Ghost of Reggie White: It's amazing in Heaven, the Hispanics put
twenty, thirty guys on one cloud!
Jeff: That was a classic. It's too bad he stopped with the Jesus
stuff in recent years and jumped headlong into Judiasm.
Eric Cartman: You're such a Jew, Reggie.
Jeff: He thought he could solve the Israeli-Palestinian problems
by sacking Yasser Arafat, but once the PLO leader died, Reggie's
reason for living was gone. Most say Reggie White died of a massive
coronary failure, but those who know the truth know he died from
a broken heart.
Ghost of Josh Gibson: I feel you, man.
IT'S NOT BRAIN SURGERY
Rob: Speaking of dead guys, former Texas Rangers manager Johnny
Oates passed away from cancer this week.
Terrance and Phillip: Cancer?!
Scott: Cancer in the head!
Rob: Actually, that's right, cancer in the head. Instead of doing
a Larry Dierker and surviving brain cancer, he did a Dick Howser
and died from it.
Ghost of Lyle Alzado: Sorry I'm late. I wanted to talk about Reggie
White. Did I miss it?
Rob: You did, but you can talk about brain cancer if you want to.
Ghost of Lyle Alzado: Oh man, not really.
Jeff: Quite an uplifting holiday edition of Back of the Head Sports
we have here. It's too bad Yogi Berra wasn't eaten by wolves so
we could have a trifecta. I really don't have too much to say about
Johnny Oates. He managed a couple of playoff teams, he had a pretty
sweet moustache, and he was involved in trades with Davey Johnson,
Dick Allen, and Pat Dobson. That's about all I have, so unless the
family's really hard up for someone to deliver a eulogy, I'd like
to pull myself from consideration.
Rob: The worst part about a couple of guys dying this late in the
year is that they'll complete overshadow the rest of the sports
figures who died this year. When they do the year-end retrospectives,
everyone's going to be all about Reggie White and Johnny Oates and
completely forget about Bobby Avila and Tug McGraw. Who's going
to remember Ted Williams' son? Or Carl Yastremski's son? Huh. I
just realized it was a pretty bad year to be the offspring of a
Red Sox leftfielder. Geez, Manny Ramirez just had a kid this year
too, he might be in trouble.
Manny Ramirez: No way man, my kid, he make his own destination.
Jeff: This is the time of year for everyone's favorite game: They
Died This Year? That's where you're surprised to hear some of the
names of the people who have died in the year end retrospectives,
either because you assumed they died a long time ago or you totally
forgot about it. This year's favorite: Tony Randall.
OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN
Rob: The Red Sox resigned Jason Varitek this week, and surprised
him at the press conference by naming him captain of the team. Super.
I think "C's" on baseball jerseys look kind of retarded.
Mike Sweeny: They're not so bad.
Rob: Whatever. This move by the Red Sox undercuts Red Sox fans'
ability to make fun of Derek Jeter for being overrated on the basis
of his "intangibles." I'm not sure how a guy shows his
class and leadership by holding up his team for an unreasonable
contract, but here we are.
Jeff: Yeah, the "Captain Intangibles" cracks ring a little
hollow now that the Red Sox have one of their own. Theo Epstein
may have given into every one of Scott Boras's contract demands,
but at least he can take comfort in the fact that he was able to
negotiate possession of Varitek's goatee.
Jeff: Four years and $40 million for a 33 year old catcher seems
like a really bad deal, but the free agent market is so totally
fucked up this year that it's not so unreasonable. Older, shittier
catchers are getting three years this offseason, so it wasn't unreasonable
for Varitek to expect four. Is a contract really bad if everyone
else has one just as bad? Probably, but we'll have to wait a couple
of years to find out for sure.
Rob: If you don't want to overpay anyone, and you're not Billy Beane,
then you'll end up putting together a reasonably priced .500 team.
You don't get any prizes for getting the most wins out of your dollar.
I'm willing to be that by the end of his contract, Jason Varitek
will still be far from the shittiest catcher in the major leagues,
so if the Red Sox can afford it, then it's not such a bad deal.
Who this should work out great for is Victor Martinez, who should
be hitting free agency at about the end of Varitek's contract and
putting up much better numbers. He'll be able to point to Tek's
contract and argue pretty persuasively that he should be making
much more than that.
Jeff: I had a feeling this whole discussion, just like every other
discussion about every other topic, was going to lead to Victor
Martinez.
JAVY HAPPY NEW YEAR
Rob: The proposed three-way deal between the Diamondbacks, Yankees
and Dodgers that would have brought Randy Johnson to the Yankees
fell apart last week. Depending on who you talk to, if you're talking
to a cross section of Yankee fans, the deal either fell apart because
Paul Depodesta is a double-crossing douchebag or because Javier
Vasquez is a whiny little bitch. Either way, their actions make
it very clear that neither Javy Vasquez nor Paul Depodesta are "True
Yankees." If only Scott Brosius were GM of the Dodgers, everything
would be okay.
Jeff: There were any number of reasons why that deal was going to
fall apart. Shawn Green would have to waive his no trade clause,
the Diamondbacks had to give him an extenstion, and the Yankees
had to negotate an extension with Randy Johnson. Plus everyone had
to pass physicals, which could have been a big deal with Vasquez,
Penny, and Green. DePodesta didn't seem to want to wait for everything
to work itself out one way or the other, so he killed the deal and
signed J.D. Drew, who, incidentally, was told by God that his one
healthy year was worth no less than $50 million. But all those complications
show you why three team deals almost never work.
Billy Beane: They seem to work fine for me.
Alex Rodriguez: Speak for yourself.
Rob: I'm assuming that the Yankees will end up hammering out a deal
for the Unit eventually, since they seem hell bent on both getting
Randy and getting rid of Vasquez. Because it's important that the
Red Sox and Yankees' rotations combined age should add up to as
close to 400 as possible. We've been hearing about Randy Johnson
going to the Yankees for so long, if he just showed up to Spring
Training with the Yankees without an actual trade happening, I don't
think anyone would question it.
Jeff: There's been a lot of misinformation floating around about
Randy and the Yankees and I think I can set some of it straight.
First, Randy no longer has a mullet, so that won't be a concern
when he joins the team. And second, the Yankees' policy on facial
hair is a ban on anything below the lip. The Unit's moustache will
be fine, but he might run into trouble if it becomes a fu manchu.
His soul patch will probably have to go.
Grampa Simpson: Probably? Look at that soul patch! He looks like
a girl! Now Don Mattingly, there's a moustache you can set your
watch by.
CONFERENCE CALL
Rob: With the NFL playoffs-
Jim Mora: Playoffs? Are you kidding me? Playoffs?
Rob: You came here just to do that, didn't you? Anyway, as the NFL
playoff picture comes into focus, what has been obvious for a while
is becoming increasingly clear: the NFC fucking blows. I mean, seriously,
look at these guys.
Stone Cold: Look at ya! You're pathetic!
Rob: They certainly are Steve. Three teams with losing records are
still in the playoff hunt. That's not cool.
Carlito: Don't steal Carlito's catch phrase, meng. Thas not cool.
Rob: Meanwhile, the "good" teams don't really scare that
many people. The Eagles just lost TO, and the Falcons don't really
match up well with any of the AFC division winners. And while we're
talking about the Falcons, can someone please tell me why they signed
Michael Vick to a ten year contract? What is a ten year contract
in the NFL worth, anyway? How many years until they're either restructuring
his deal or just outright cutting him?
Jeff: It's probably one of those classic NFL contracts, the first
nine years are guaranteed at $2 million a year and the tenth is
an $82 million team option year. The only purpose is for players
to have bragging rights. But the NFC is just as pathetic as Stone
Cold said. You shouldn't see a bunch of 5-9 teams in the "playoff
hunt" graphics during week 16 games. Still, I'd rather have
a few really good AFC teams making the NFC look bad and heading
into the playoffs than Paul Tagliabue's dream of every team finishing
8-8.
Rob: But I thought salary caps and parity made sports more entertaining?
The next step in the NFL will be to establish a talent cap. Too
many good receivers on the Eagles? Move one over to the Giants.
When the Colts reach their touchdown pass allotment for the season,
send Peyton Manning to the Ravens for the rest of the season. The
NFL will not acheive true parity until not only do you not know
who's going to win on any given Sunday, but until you have no idea
who will be playing for what team.
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