|
External
|
February 4, 2005HERE TO STAY IS THE NEW BIRDRob: Welcome to the AL East, Sammy. The Cubs traded future Hall of Famer Sammy Sosa to the Orioles this week for Jerry Hairston Jr. and prospects. That’s right, Sammy Sosa for Jerry Hairston. Economics and necessity sure make things funny. Things were getting pretty sour for Sammy in Chicago where the smiling, happy Dominican was replaced by the grumpy, bitchy Dominican. It was a shitty situation, but the trade works out well for both sides. The Cubs get rid of their least favorite person, and the Orioles finally have a replacement for Cal Ripken to fill the declining megastar role on their roster.
Rafael Palmeiro: What am I? Just some limp-dicked nobody?
Jeff: I'm sure he just forgot about you, Raffy. Your quick and steady drive toward a sub 100 OPS+ is quite admirable. As for the deal, the Cubs got bent over, but they had about as much leverage as I would in a maximum security prison. Hairston can get on base fairly well, but he's not really an everyday player, and the prospects they got are anything but. The Cubs are hoping for addition by subtraction, but even with his slide, a moderately healthy Sosa is still a much better hitter than anyone else they have in the outfield. Paying him $10 million not to be there looks like a worse option than locking him in a room with Dusty Baker and telling them to work it out by whatever means necessary. If one of them doesn't make it out alive, they'll either be looking for a new manager or be off the hook for Sosa's salary. Either solution is fine.
Rob: I didn't forget about Raffy, I just don't think he's quite as big a star as Cal Ripken or Sammy Sosa. He's one of those guys who'll get into the Hall of Fame without ever being actually famous. I wonder if he's the best, least known player of our time.
Tim Raines: At least he'll get into the Hall of Fame. Hell, I was probably even more famous than Raffy.
Rob: Hey, you might get in. You have some support.
Tim Raines: From who? Rob Neyer? Baseball Prospectus? Fantastic, why don't I just book my hotel in Cooperstown now?
Jeff: It's tough for Tim Raines. He's suffering from Alan Trammell syndrome, where a great player gets no recognition because they aren't as good as a contemportary all-time great. For Trammell it was Ripken, for Raines it's Rickey.
Rickey Henderson: What do you mean "contemporary?" Rock Raines is retired, Rickey's still going strong.
EDGE OF THE PRECIPICERob: I try to watch the NBA, I really do. I feel like I should be a responsible sports fan and keep abreast of what’s going on. But you know where my real interest lie when I find myself watching a rebroadcast of Game 3 of the ALCS, by far the worst game of the ALCS, instead of a live Celtics-Nets game. In my defense, I was actually at that game, so I never saw the TV broadcast of it. And it’s vitally important to get Joe Buck and Tim McCarver’s take on a 19-8 blowout. I was actually surprised that that game was tied as late as the fourth inning. I remember things going south a lot earlier than that. I had even forgotten that the Red Sox had the lead at one point. I did remember a lot of it though. Manny making the last out of the first inning at third, A-Rod’s monster home run, Mendoza’s balk. All the good stuff.
Jeff: What the fuck was Mendoza thinking on that balk?
Terry Francona: I have no idea. But I didn't want to find out.
Jeff: Yeah, even with the bullpen a mess in that series, we never saw him in another game. Actually, I don't think I ever saw him at all. Did anything happen to him?
Terry Francona: No comment.
Jeff: Yikes. Don't mess with the psycho who always wears a sweater, even when it's 90 degrees out. The other thing I clearly remember from the game is the length. My favorite observation from the bleachers was, "We've been here for two and a half hours and it's still the fourth fucking inning?!" Little did we know those first two and a half hours would be the best part of the game. Wait, this was about the NBA, wasn't it? I've watched some of a couple of games this week, although "watched" is probably too strong a word. It was one of those times where I felt I might fall asleep on the couch, so I put something on TV that wouldn't wake me up with any loud noises. NBA "action" was perfect.
Rob: This was about the NBA? I don't think I ever even found out the score of that basketball game I decided against watching. I wonder if there were more people at the Fleet Center than were left in Fenway park by the end of Game 3. We, of course, stayed until the very end. That game hit the trifecta of being a bad game to be at: it was long, it was shitty, and it was cold. At least we only paid face value for that ticket. At the time I said I was glad I went to that game and not an eliminating Game 4, though in retrospect, it would've been pretty cool to be at Game 4 or 5. Jeff went to all three games. I think you actually spent more time at Fenway Park than at work that week, didn't you?
Jeff: After my third consecutive day of attending "the longest playoff game in baseball history" at Fenway Park, I'd spent so many hours there that I believe I qualified for medical and dental benefits from the Red Sox. And I never wanted to see another baseball game. Of course that feeling lasted all of the ten minutes it took to get from the ballpark to the warmth of my apartment. Then I was ready for highlights.
RETURN POLICYRob: Dante Culpepper got stuck in a pretty embarrassing situation during an awards ceremony this week. During a question and answer session, a paralyzed high school football player asked him for some of his jewelry. For some reason, Culpepper decided to give him two of his necklaces right then and there. For some other reason, Culpepper later decided to ask for them back after the show. You know, just because a guy in a wheelchair asks you for something, it doesn’t mean you have to give it to him right away. What Dante should’ve done was told the kid he’d meet him after the show. Then he could’ve rushed out to his limo and blown the kid off as soon as the show was over.
Jeff: That kid put Daunte in between a rock and a hard place. Sure, it would have been better to tell him he'd meet him after the show, but when you're an athlete wearing an obscene display of your wealth, it's tough to say "no" to anything a paralyzed kid in a wheelchair asks. That $10,000 oversized check you're presenting looks pretty lame when you have ten times that much money in bling around your neck. Maybe the best idea would have been to not wear a $75,000 necklace to a charity thing in the first place.
Mr. T: I like Rob's idea better. You gotta have a canned answer ready to go. My favorite is, "I didn't get this many gold chains by giving them away, fool!" It gets a laugh and they forget all about the chains. Works every time.
Rob: What in the world do you need a $75,000 necklace for, anyway? Wouldn't a modest $25,000 necklace be good enough? Maybe I'm too much of a guy, or at least more of a guy than a professional athlete I guess, but if I'm spending a lot of money on something, I want it to be something I can play with. Crazy sound systems and home theaters, I can understand. Bowling alley in your basement? I totally get that. Even the ridiculous cars these guys buy make more sense than all the jewelry they wear. I just don't get professional athletes or rappers. And I especially don't get professional athletes who are rappers.
Master P: What about rappers who are professional athletes? BACK OF THE HEAD’S SUPERBOWL PREVIEWWHAT DYNASTY?Rob: Pity the poor reporters trying to cover a Super Bowl that features the Patriots, one of the most boring teams in NFL history. They won’t even admit that this is a big game.
Bill Belichick: We just play them one game at a time.
Rob: Yeah, but this is the Super Bowl.
Bill Belichick: It’s still a football game we have to go out there and win.
Rob: Still, if you win this, that’s three Super Bowls in four years.
Bill Belichick: Those Super Bowls are in the past. We’re concentrating on the now.
Rob: Well, then how long are you going to enjoy this one if you win?
Bill Belichick: The moment the clock reads 0:00. Then it’s time to prepare for next season.
Jeff: Do you enjoy anything?
Bill Belichick: Preparing for football games. And not answering stupid questions.
Jeff: I mean outside the game.
Bill Belichick: I don't understand.
Jeff: When you're not coaching, not preparing, and not dealing with personnel. You know, not working.
Bill Belichick: I'm not familiar with the concept and I don't think I want to be. Not thinking about football isn't how you win football games.
GIMME SOMETHING, ANYTHINGRob: You have to fill two weeks with stories, and they give you absolutely nothing. There are only so many ways you can cover Terrell Owens’s injury. Freddy Mitchell tried to give them something to work with, inexplicably riling up Rodney Harrison, the dirtiest player on the Patriots. You couldn’t rip on Adam Vinatieri instead? And then there are the stories about how lame a city Jacksonville is, and the stories about the stories about how lame Jacksonville is.
Jeff: I really haven't been paying attention to any of the Super Bowl hype. I tried to keep up with the news last week and when every single story was about Terrell Owens and nobody had any actual information, I just gave up. But you can't blame the media if there's nothing there.
Homer Simpson: They could make up the news. I'm getting 1000 hits a day with pure bullplop.
Jeff: That might not be such a bad idea with this game. There's very little chance of the Patriots' dropping a surprise Super Bowl Shuffle on us between now and Sunday.
Rob: I think someone should investigate the cause of Tom Brady's grandmother's death. Sure, she was 94 and it appeared to be of natural causes, but I have my suspicions that the media might have knocked her off just to create another story. Of course, no matter who was responsible, it's still a tragedy that she passed away just days before the Super Bowl. She always dreamed of her grandson playing in three Super Bowls, and now she's never going to get the chance to see it.
Jeff: I heard from this guy that she was actually killed while she was robbing a liquor store. They only floated the "natural causes" story out there so as not to create a distraction before the game. Oh, and Tom Brady wasn't actually sick two weeks ago against the Steelers, he was high on smack. You can read about it all here.
AD-ITION BY SUBTRACTIONRob: One Super Bowl tradition that I’ve never understood is the preoccupation with the commercials. You can actually go online after the Super Bowl and watch all the commercials at once. Why in the world would you make it a point to view advertisements? The big story this year is about the ad that they won’t be airing, a send-up of the Janet Jackson incident last year. You can check it out here. You’re back? Good. Was that really so bad? I’ve asked this question time and time again, when did we turn into a nation of oversensitive pussies who hate boobs?
Jeff: There are a lot of gay shows on TV, and gays are oversensitive pussies who hate boobs. Although it's probably not related since they weren't the ones complaining. I've always liked the commercials during the game. Not so much that I'd watch them on the Internet, but selling something while entertaining in a 30 second window is something of an art form, and one I appreciate. Terry Tate: Office Linebacker was brilliant. I hope someone comes up with something on that level this year.
Rob: I've heard more than one person say they miss the Bud Bowl. Is that true? Do you really miss the Bud Bowl? I have a hard time believing the end of the Bud Bowl era really made anyone's lives empty.
Little Penny: What about Little Penny? Does anyone miss him?
Rob: God, no. Anyway, now Ford is pulling a commercial featuring a priest and a little girl after sex-abuse victim advocacy groups complained about it. I'm not sure what the problem with that commercial was. What would a priest want with a little girl?
Jeff: Maybe she knows some hot little boys?
WHY WE’RE HERERob: Oh, right, the game. On paper, this one looks to favor the
Patriots. Likely it will on television as well. T.O. may or may
not play, but I don’t think it will matter. The fact is, the
Patriots kill dreams. They take your magical season and grind it
into dust. They leave your fans feeling foolish for ever thinking
that you had a chance. Once upon a time, the Patriots were a team
of destiny themselves, but now they’re just evil supermen who
like to make people cry. They’ve ended the Colts and their
all-time great offense, they’ve ended the Steelers and their
AFC record for regular season wins, and now they’re going to
end the Eagles team that finally made it to the Super Bowl. What
a bunch of jerks.
Jeff: It would be even better if they could win some of those games
in a more entertaining fashion. Sure, the 41 points against the
Steelers were impressive, and those 15 play drives were technically
perfect, but there just aren't enough "Wow!" moments during
your typical Patriots game. It's tough to put my finger on exactly
what's missing, but I'm going to guess my impression is being colored
by the personality of the team rather than anything they're doing
wrong on the field.
|
 |