February 11, 2005
ANSWER: THEY BOTH LIKE FUCKING THE TIGERS
Question: What do Scott Boras and Sigfried & Roy have in common?
Jeff: Scott Boras continues to display his mastery of mind control,
convincing the Tigers to sign Magglio Ordonez to what could turn
out to be a seven year $105 million deal. Magglio missed most of
last season with a strange knee injury, had two surgeries since
then (one in Austria, for reasons not entirely clear), and cancelled
his public workouts because, well, only Boras himself can explain
this one.
Scott Boras: Magglio was only going to have that workout to prove
he was healthy. Now that the word from the doctors is so good, there
wasn't any need to prove anything.
Jeff: Are baseball executives really dumb enough to believe that?
Dave Dombrowski: What? It makes perfect sense. Now stop bothering
me while I'm putting these screen doors on my submarine.
Jeff: The best part of the contract is the out after one year.
If Ordonez is on the DL for more than 25 days this season, the Tigers
are only on the hook for $12 million total. But when the best case
scenario is a guy spending a chunk of the season on the DL while
making $12 million, you might just have a bad contract.
Rob: And if you've been losing population every year for the past
twenty years, you might just have a bad city.
Peter Gammons: Understand the Tigers' dilemma. Dilemma.
Rob: Oh, I do. I'm sure they'd love to sign good players to good
contracts, but when no one wants to come and play for your shitty
team in your shitty city, and good teams in good cities are handing
out to big deals to the Derek Lowes of the world, you're going to
get stuck in the Catch-22 of signing less than desirable players
to contracts that are ultimately going to impede your franchise's
development.
Peter Gammons: Nice sentence construction.
Rob: Thanks. The way out of this is to develop your farm system,
but in the meantime, you want to convince your fan base that you're
making an effort and land a marquee player to put asses in seats.
And when you can't do that, you sign a guy no one else was willing
to take a risk on and try to convince the fans that a huge contract
means he's a great player.
Bobby Higginson: And it works every time.
Jeff: Building through the farm system is the only way Detroit
can become respectable again. If players won't go there willingly,
you have to get their services before they have a choice.
Rob: To be fair, they've been able to attract a few players lately
who've been more than eager to come to Detroit. Of course, they're
all retired, like Alan Trammell, Lance Parrish, and Kirk Gibson,
but hey, at least they know what they're getting into before they
get there, and they're still willing to come.
OH, ANOTHER LOMBARDI TROPHY? PUT IT ON THE PILE
Jeff: The Patriots won their third Super Bowl in four years by
three points. The final score was close, as were the scores during
the game, but it just didn't feel that close. Or exciting. Or well
played. Even the college kids agreed, as they were outnumbered by
the cops on the streets after the game. When dumb kids don't think
enough of your victory to riot, something's missing. Has it become
old hat? Is the lack of stars making the team less interesting?
Was it because the Patriots were heavy favorites? I don't know.
But if this is what it's like to be a Yankees fan, I'm not sure
I like it.
jeterfan1918: what are u talking about no stars!!! we had jeter
paulie and tino...the patsies cant hold the yankees jock
Rob: While still a three point victory, this Super Bowl wasn't
nearly as close as the other two. In the previous two Patriots Super
Bowls, the score was tied and the Patriots needed a field goal to
break it. In this game, they had a 10 point lead with three minutes
left to go. It got a little anxious towards the end, but by then
it was the Patriots' game to lose, and it's not exactly like them
to come unglued in the Super Bowl. I think this game actually would've
been more exciting if it had been a blowout. At least one side would
have executed well. As it was, it was hard for Patriots fans to
get too excited over this. First of all, everyone had pretty much
already figured they were going to win, and second, a third Super
Bowl win pales in comparison to the first World Series win in 86
years. Call it championship fatigue.
Dan Shaughnessy: Boston fans love misery. They don't like it when
their teams are doing well.
Rob: Okay, go away. And then die, please. Honestly, the euphoria
just hasn't worn off yet. Give it another 5 or so years and Boston
will be just has happy over a championship as any other city, but
for now, the glow from the Red Sox just hasn't worn off.
Jeff: I would have liked to see what would have happened if NESN
had shown ALCS Game 4, 5, or 6 during the Super Bowl. I don't think
the ratings would have been insignificant. They might have been
able to get some people to flip over during the halftime show and
forget to flip back when it was done.
Rob: The rebroadcast of Game 6 actually did beat the Celtics game
the other night. I definitely would've switched over during halftime.
As it was, instead of watching the pre-game show, I watched Volcano
on AMC. I don't think most people would call Volcano a classic,
but I totally would. A volcano right in the middle of Los Angeles!
Think of the destruction. It's a great movie.
FEELING LESS THAN SUPER
Jeff: If the rumors about Donovan McNabb are true, he was on the
verge of puking up his Chunky Soup onto the Jacksonville turf in
the fourth quarter of the big game. That would explain how the Eagles'
two minute drill turned into a six minute drill as time was running
out. Freddie Mitchell said he had to call one play himself because
McNabb couldn't talk. Mitchell probably should have called his own
number to try and pad his ultra-impressive one catch stat line.
Donovan has denied the whole thing, as athletes always do, likely
because he doesn't want to make any excuses. Excuses aren't always
bad. He played like shit, couldn't move when he needed to, and wasted
a ton of time in the most important game of his life. "I was
sick" is a lot better explanation than "I suck and I don't
know how to manage the game clock because I'm an idiot."
Rush Limbaugh: What did I tell you guys? But did anyone listen
to me?
Rob: It's hard to say that anyone's overrated based on one game,
but Donovan didn't look that great. True, he through for over 350
yards, but he got to pad that line a little on that last drive when
the Patriots were giving him the middle to kill time. Which was
funny, because Donovan seemed to be perfectly willing to do that
on his own. Three picks ain't good either. And it could've easily
been more, he got a little lucky a few times.
Donovan McNabb: Hey, if you turned all the interceptions and almost-interceptions
into touchdowns, we would've really blown out the Patriots!
Peyton Manning: Yeah, when you figure out that formula, why don't
you tell me?
Jeff: You did a pretty good job of avoiding the Patriots this last
time, it's just that your guys didn't catch the ball, either. I
don't know if they don't like the cold, or the stadium, or you,
but your normally competent receivers turn into bumbling idiots
when they play here.
Rob: Unfortunately, Donovan can't blame his receivers. Well, he
can blame Freddy Mitchell a little for getting Rodney Harrison all
riled up. Did you see Harrison's reaction to FredEx dropping a pass
in the fourth quarter? Rodney wanted to be sure he ended the day
with more receptions than Mitchell.
PULLING THE GOALIE
Jeff: NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has set a deadline of this
weekend for saving the season. And if by some miracle there is an
agreement, he says they'll play a 28 game regular season, marking
the first time in sports history that the playoffs will be longer
than the regular season. Admittedly, hockey didn't have to change
their schedule around too much to make that a reality, but it would
be kind of neat.
Rob: It ain't looking good for the NHL. They're about to become
"The First North American League to Lose an Entire Season Due
to a Work Stoppage." I guess numerous other leagues around
the world have lost seasons due to work stoppages. If they do work
something out, why even bother with a regular season? Just go right
into the playoffs. Seed all the teams based on last years' finishes,
give Tampa Bay and Calgary byes, and make the season one big 30
team playoff. I'm actually serious. It's gimmicky, which will offend
the dozens of hockey purists, but at the point, the NHL needs to
do anything they can to drum up interest. Sure, you run the risk
of alienating the hardcore fans, but realistically, they're coming
back no matter what.
Jeff: And to make those playoff games really exciting, I have an
even better idea: two pucks on the ice at once. One will be orange
and worth two goals when you score with it, the other would be the
standard black and worth only one.
Jose Canseco: I love it!
Rob: They did try the orange puck back when Fox was televising
the games. They did some dumb thing where the puck was glowing orange
on TV. I guess they assumed that people didn't like hockey because
they couldn't see the puck. Actually, people don't like hockey because
nothing quantifiable happens during the course of a game. Goals
are few and far between, and shots on net aren't really as good
as hits, first downs, or baskets. It's an enjoyable game to sit
an watch intently, but it's a terrible game to have on in the background
if you're making dinner or reading a magazine. It's like soccer,
just a little bit better because people get hit.
THE NEEDLE AND THE DAMAGE DONE
Jeff: Jose Canseco's somewhat eagerly awaited book, Juiced: Wild
Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big (catchy,
isn't it?), is set to hit shelves sometime this month. In it he
claims that he and Mark McGwire would inject each other in the ass
inside a bathroom stall. He also claims they used steroids, along
with most every other major star baseball player of the early 90s.
Some members of the media are lambasting Canseco for throwing his
friends under the bus just to make a buck. I guess those reporters
haven't seen Jose in a while, because anyone who's witnessed the
current weird, twitchy, paranoid freak Jose Canseco know he probably
doesn't have many of those friendships left.
Jose Canseco: What are you talking about, man? I haven't changed
a bit. Baseball's changed. They've blackballed me because they're
afraid of what I know. I could still hit 40 homers in the majors.
Jeff: Yeah, but a lot of guys do that in one season now.
Rob: Here's the problem with Canseco's book: He's probably right
that most major leaguers were using steroids during his career,
and he's probably even right about a lot of the individual players
he's naming. However, that doesn't mean he's not lying, and that
his telling the truth about these guys is purely accidental. Does
anyone think that Jose's above making stuff up to sell a few more
copies of his book? So, we're really no closer to the truth than
we ever were. Maybe McGwire and Jose did steroids together, maybe
not. Maye it was Ivan Rodriguez that Jose actually did steroids
with and he's lying about Big Mac. Who knows? As for his allegations
about President Bush knowing about steroid use, well, it's already
clear that he knew there wasn't any good reason to invade Iraq,
so I figure I'll worry about the steroid stuff later.
Jeff: I don't think you can release a book full of harmful lies
about people who are still around to defend themselves. Sure, there
are Jose said/Mark said situations, but "I shot steroids into
his ass" isn't really open for interpretation. If McGwire doesn't
sue Canseco for libel, then it looks like he's admitting he was
on the roids. Even if that particular story wasn't true, his unwillingness
to defend his reputation makes you think he has something to hide.
Jason Giambi: He should just say he's sorry.
Jeff: For what?
Jason Giambi: I can't get into specifics.
Rob: Where is the burden of proof on a libel case? Does the defendant
have to prove something happened, or does the plaintiff have to
prove it never did? Seems like it's pretty hard to prove that a
certain thing never happened. It's always harder to prove a negative.
McGwire might just not want to dignify Jose with a response and
help his book sales. Or he might figure that now that he's retired,
it's not worth it. I actually think that it's pretty likely that
McGwire was on steroids, but my point is that there are any number
of reasons why a guy might not be inclined to file a lawsuit, and
I think that we should be very, very careful about taking a guy
like Jose Canseco seriously.
BUCK UP
Jeff: February is always the shittiest month of the year for sports.
Football's done, the NBA sucks, and all the baseball transactions
are pretty much done. I suppose we could talk about Bernard Hopkins
going after his 20th consecutive successful middleweight title defense
and the prospects of a fight with Jermaine Taylor, but boxing is
listed below even the NHL on ESPN.com's main page. Speaking of ESPN,
they've padded their February schedule by showing tons of Sports
Century features on black athletes to celebrate Black History Month.
Is that really necessary? What exactly does a Michael Jordan documentary
have to do with black history? Celebrating blacks in modern day
sports is like celebrating old people in bingo. Now if they'd throw
a few Negro Leagues Sports Century hours together, we'd be talking.
Buck O'Neil: And so would I. I've got lights, a camera, and some
microphones always set up in my house. Just in case anyone wants
to chat.
Rob: Well, I personally find it very interesting to hear about
all the adversity a young black man has to go through to find a
basketball court, but nevertheless, I agree that it would be great
to run a series on the Negro League greats. And even the guys who
weren't as great, but had cool nicknames, like Double Duty Radcliffe.
Buck O'Neil: Wasn't great? Son, you can't say somethin' like that
unless you seen ol' Double Duty. He could catch and pitch in the
same game.
Rob: You mean he could catch his own pitches!?
Buck O'Neil: No, he'd pitch a few innings, set up and catch when
the manager would relieve him, and than come in again against a
fella who'd have particular trouble hittin' him.
Rob: Oh. Well, I guess that's cool too.
Jeff: How many Negro League players didn't have cool nicknames?
Cool Papa Bell, Bingo DeMoss, Cannonball Dick Redding, Bullet Joe
Rogan, Turkey Stearns, Mule Suttles, Smokey Joe Williams. But if
ESPN ever does a special on baseball nicknames, they'd have to include
Randy Johnson. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't want to be known
as "The Big Unit."
Rob: Nicknames are largely a lost art. Very few major leaguers
have very good ones. Charlie O. Finley had the right idea when he
manufactured nicknames for guys like Catfish Hunter and Blue Moon
Odom. You know you've worked your nickname if more people know you
by it than know you by your real name. El Duque's the only guy in
baseball right now like that, and I think you'd have to go all the
way back to Oil Can Boyd to find another one.
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