|
|
May 9, 2005
SCHADENFREUDE NEVER FELT SO GOOD
Jeff: I had an idea the Yankees wouldn’t be nearly
as good as most analysts suggested they’d be, but I never
did I think they’d be this awful.
Homer Simpson: That team is the suckiest bunch of sucks that
ever sucked.
Jeff: I mean, I definitely wished they’d totally suck,
and could have constructed a scenario for it to happen without too
much of a reach, but to actually see them fall apart like this is
even more satisfying than I’d imagined it would be.
It’s not just that they’re terrible, but there’s
almost nothing they can do to make any moves to get any better.
They don’t have any financial flexibility, don’t have
any prospects to deal, and don’t have any underpriced major
league talent to move in a two for one deal. All they can
do is hope their collection of has-beens aren’t quite as washed
up as they seem to be.
Rob: It was hard for me to giggle too much about this
when the Red Sox where hovering around .500, but now that the Red
Sox have won their last three and the Yankees have lost their
last three, I'm going to let myself relax and enjoy it a little.
What really makes me happy about this is how disappointed guys like
A-Rod and Randy Johnson must be. Fans in Texas
and Arizona must be delighted to see these two guys, who bitched
and moaned and cried to get off of their old teams, be a part of
this train wreck. Actually, speaking of those two, there has
been some talk of the Yankees making a desperation trade for Ken
Griffey Junior, because they don't have enough aging, injury
prone disappointments on their roster. But I think they should
do it. They've already got Tino Martinez and Luis Sojo, all
they'd need to go is lure Edgar Martinez and Jay Buhner out of retirement,
and they'd be the 90's Mariners.
Jeff: Nah, Jay Buhner couldn't make the team,
they need to lure Ken Phelps out of retirement instead. I
had no problem enjoying the Yankee collapse while the Red Sox
were floundering. I knew the problems the Red Sox had
were fluky performances and injuries they could find ways around. With
the Yankees it's just a bunch of guys playing to their pitiful
current skill levels. Tino, Bernie, Giambi, Womack, Phillips,
Cano, Wright, Brown, Wang, and the gasoline gang in the bullpen
can't be reasonably expected to do any better this season.
Well, I guess Wright and Brown are unlikely to post 9.00 ERAs for an
entire season, but they won't do significantly better. Nope, unless
some rival GM does something freakishly stupid, the Yankees
won't come close to the wild card.
Rob: It's funny, I've heard it for years, and I've never believed
it until now, but finally all facts seem to lead to the inevitable
conclusion that the Yankees suck.
FUCK YOU, MAGGLIO ORDONEZ!
Jeff: Ozzie Guillen has threatened Magglio Ordonez, called
out Frank Thomas, played Jermaine Dye at shortstop, gone to a closer
by committee, convinced Kenny Williams to dump some thumpers for
a couple guys who can run, and somehow has the White Sox way out
in first place. The closer by committee thing really pisses
me off, not because I think it’s a bad idea, but because I
drafted Shingo Takatsu in my fantasy team. I can’t keep
him, Dustin Hermanson, and Damaso Marte all in my lineup at the
same time. Anyway, even if the White Sox were in third place,
and if their hitting doesn’t come around any time soon, they
might be, they’d still be entertaining. When Carl Everett
isn’t close to the craziest guy on the team, that’s
a team that redefines “unpredictable.”
Rob: I had to look up who you were talking about on baseballreference.com.
Imagine my surprise when I found out there was an AL Central too.
I was wondering where the Tigers went. The White Sox are quickly
rivaling the Angels for the team that annoys me the most.
It's not even their fault, really, it's just that they give all
the Joe Morgan-style guys on TV and in print an excuse to suck
Ozzie Guillen's dick for playing small ball, which almost always
leads to a snide comment about Billy Beane, sabremetrics, or "stat
geeks."
Jeff: Oh, absolutely. It's like when the Angels
do well. But when a station to station, work the count,
three run bomb team like the Red Sox, A's, or Rangers
win, it's somehow all about the pitching and defense. Don't
worry, small ball (or "smart ball" if you're Ozzie,
which makes me ill) doesn't work so well when there aren't any runners
on base to move over. The White Sox have a .310 team on base
percentage, which is worse than nine Tony Womacks. You
can't win over the long haul like that.
Rob: Probably not, but it's not like the Central is exactly
stocked, despite every ESPN writer's cute little prediction
that the Twins will win the World Series. Then again,
maybe "small/smart ball" is on it's way back with offense
being down around the league. Maybe that's even a good thing.
People seem to like so-called National League style of play.
Of course, I've been watching the AL East for too long to ever enjoy
watching bunting and hit and run plays. To me, it doesn't
get any better than the a 12 pitch at-bat that ends in
a walk.
TRICK KNEE
Jeff: Barry Bonds recently had a third surgery on his injured
knee to deal with an infection. News of his latest setback
came from Barry's own website, which is now the only source of information
when it comes to everything Bonds. And that's not just for
us fans and the media, even the Giants organization isn't getting
anything from Barry personally anymore. I usually defend Barry
in just about every case because even when he's wrong, he's still
entertaining, but this one is a little more wrong than it is funny.
The Giants are paying him $17 million this year; they should have
some say in his physical rehabilitation process.
Rob: Well, you're certainly not suggesting that Barry talk
to the media, are you?
Barry Bonds: They've hurt my son. Look at my son!
See how you've hurt him?
Rob: I suppose it wouldn't hurt him to communicate with the
Giants though.
Barry Bonds: To hell with them, they hurt my son too!
Rob: What? How did they do that?
Barry Bonds: By being racist!
Rob: In what way?
Barry Bonds: I don't have to defend myself to you. You
just want to hurt my family.
Jeff: If you didn't want your family hurt, should you have
stuck your kid in front of the camera for the entirety
of your last interview?
Barry Bonds: I just wanted to show everyone how much the media
was hurting him. Did you see how uncomfortable he looked?
It wouldn't have been that way if it weren't for all the reporters
there.
Jeff: But you're the one....
Barry Bonds: Who hates racists. Exactly.
Rob: I hope Barry's able to play a little this year.
I was looking forward to seeing him pass that big, fat cracker,
Babe Ruth. Besides, offense is way down this year. About
a month of Barry should be able to bring things right back into
line with where they should be.
NOW DO THE MARION BARRY JOKES
Jeff: Oklahoma University baseball coach Larry Cochell resigned
last week after he made "racially insensitive" remarks
to a few ESPN reporters. What did you say about your black
centerfielder, coach?
Larry Cochell: There are niggers and there are black people.
He's a good black kid.
Jeff: Everyone got all bent out of shape when they heard
it and he ended up losing his job and having a heart attack.
I just think the whole thing is really funny because he quoted Chris
Rock almost verbatim and he didn't even know it. Isn't that
right, Rock?
Chris Rock: There are black people and there are niggas.
I like black people. But I hate niggas.
Jeff: Why's that?
Chris Rock: Niggas always be taking credit for shit they
supposed to do.
Jeff: Like what?
Chris Rock: They'll be like, "I take care of my kids."
You're SUPPOSED to take care of your kids!
Jeff: Classic.
Rob: Coach Cochell might have been a little wiser in his choice
of words. It's amazing that anyone in an even semi-public
job doesn't realize that you can't say things like that. You're
actually not even supposed to think them, but technically they still
can't fire you for that. I feel bad for the kid he was talking
about though. All of the sudden he's in the middle of a racially
tense situation.
Ghost of Jackie Robinson: Oh yeah, poor kid. My heart
just bleeds for him. However will he manage to get past this
trying time?
Jeff: Hold on there, if you're going to start punishing people
for thinking things, I'm going to need a little time to clear my
mind. As it stands, I should be in a prison cell with a whole
shitload of STDs to keep me company.
Rob: I'm not saying you should be punished for thinking bad
things, I'm just saying you should just be a nice guy and not think
those things. Of course, very few of us are actually nice
guys, so to get along in this world, we all have to learn to not
voice every offensive opinion in your head. Or start up a
website in an attempt to reach as many people as possible with your
offensive opinions. Whatever works for you.
SHAQ ATTACK
Jeff: It has to be pretty great to be Shaquille O'Neal these
days. Any question about who was more important to the Lakers
was answered emphatically this year when the Shaq-led Heat rolled
to the first seed in the playoffs and the Kobe-led Lakers missed
out entirely. Now Lakers owner Jerry Buss is whining about
Shaq's not staying in shape when he was in LA. Good move.
Run one of the best and most intelligent players of all time out
of town, watch your team turn into a house of shit, and then start
complaining about him to the media. Shaq, as he's apt to do,
has torn Buss apart in his usual hilarious manner. But I think
it would be even more enjoyable if he tore him apart in an unusual
physical manner.
Rob: Shaq is easily my favorite basketball player. I
don't understand how Steve Nash won the MVP this year, when
it couldn't be more obvious who the one guy is who can make
or break the fortunes of a team this year. I don't get Jerry
Buss either though. Someone should tell him that he's
really not winning this battle. Speaking of basketball, I've
been watching the Celtics-Pacers playoff series all week, and it's
absolutely terrible. I hope the Celtics don't think they're
going to capture the hearts and souls of New England playing like
that. You got a lot of competition in this area, fellas,
and that ain't going to cut it.
Jeff: I always thought Paul Pierce wasn't your typical
tattooed, combative NBA thug. Then he gets ejected for
throwing an elbow and tears off his jersey to reveal the world's
biggest back tattoo. Shows what I know. But for the
team performance, to borrow a phrase from Joe Morgan, they
need a whole lot more consistency. They're either a house
of fire and roll by 20 or 30 or a house of shit and turn the ball
over 20 times a game, there's no middle ground with those guys.
Rob: Unfortunately, the House of Shit showed up four
times to only three for the House of Fire, so Paul Pierce is
going to have plenty of time over the summer to think about what
he did. I don't know how you deal with that if you're Doc
Rivers or Danny Ainge. You're trying to build a good,
young team, and the two superstar veterans get themselves thrown
out of and suspended from playoff games. Way to show
some leadership. Luckily for the Celtics, they're not trailing
the rest of the NBA in maturity and restraint by all that much.
|
