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June 30, 2005QUEER AS FOULKERob: Home runs are never good in save situations.
Tim McCarver: Walks are just as bad!
Rob: And grand slams are even worse. I mean, by definition, in a save situation, a grand slam puts you behind.
Jeff: You could come into a game with the bases loaded and a five run lead, give up the grand slam, and get the save. But your point still holds for doing all the damage yourself.
Rob: Keith Foulke, after being balls-out during the playoffs and World Series last year, has been, to put it delicately, a big steaming pile of shit this year. Even with the Yankees sucking and Baltimore falling back to Earth a little, the Red Sox are going to need to do something about this bullpen at some point this season. The question is what? The first order of business would seem to be pulling Foulke from the closer role and inserting Mike Timlin, the one guy in the bullpen who’s pitched well this season. Of course, that just shuffles the problem around. You can’t get saves when the lead has already been blown in the seventh and eighth innings.
Jeff: What's Bill James say the ideal bullpen deployment is when you only have one guy who can get people out? Mike Timlin and a whole lot of steroids? The problem in trying to fix the pen is that almost every other contender's relievers suck, too, so you're going to have to pay though the nose for anyone of any quality. Is it in the long term interest of the team to unload the farm system for "Latino Heat" Eddie Guardado? Probably not. I say let the offense try and overcome the pitching inadequacies until you can figure out what's wrong with Foulke.
Rob: You'd think that whatever they have in the minors couldn't be as bad as their bullpen now. And you'd be wrong, since we've already seen what the likes of Cla Meredith and Jeremi Gonzales are actually capable of. It's not much. You know you're in bad shape when you're being pushed to sign your 21 year-old draft pick because you need to add him to your relief corps this season. But I think you're right, it's not worth giving up too much for a middle reliever. When Curt Schilling comes back, someone decent will be going to the bullpen, and at least one of the Embree, Mantei, and Foulke trio are likely to start pitching at least moderately effectively this season. I honestly think that Embree should get back on the steroids and start throwing in the upper 90's again. The testing is random right? What are the chances he'd get caught?
Jeff: That's a hell of an idea. What do you think the Giants would want in a trade for Stan Conte?
YANKEE SLIPPERSRob: It’s a sign of how much pressure is on the Yankees to win when a mid-season meeting among the Yankee brain trust to discuss their mediocre season is reported like it’s Bush calling his Cabinet for a meeting to plan a new Iraq strategy. Well, at least Steinbrenner actually realizes that things aren’t going well. Trade possibilities were discussed, but I’m not sure that there’s going to be much they can do to address their many problems. They need help in the rotation, bullpen, lineup, and in the field. They do seem to be more or less okay running the bases though, so it’s not like they need a complete overhaul.
Jeff: It's tough to properly gauge how shitty the Yankees pitching is when that historically bad defense behind them. Speaking of historically bad, check out the numbers on Tony Womack. He's well on his way toward putting up the worst season ever by a black guy named "Tony," even worse than Tony Clark's 2002. He has 11 walks and five extra base hits in 261 plate appearances this season. Five.
King Kong Bundy: Five!
Jeff: That's not what you're looking for out of a corner outfielder. Or anyone on your major league roster. But he's fast, so Joe Torre will keep him in the lineup. There's nothing old baseball guys like more than speed.
Pete Rose: We called 'em "greenies" back then.
Rob: Womack's only use is as a pinch runner, and I really don't think that's worth a roster spot, unless you happen to be Dave Roberts in the 2004 ALCS. But that situation doesn't come up a lot. It looks like the Yankees are going to dump Quantrill and Stanton. Torre abused the hell out of Quantrill last year, and it seems to be carrying over into this year. Mike Stanton is proving that the solution to the championship drought is not to just bring back all the old guys from the late 90's. Tino Martinez is proving that as well. He has a respectable OPS of 805, but that's largely buoyed by his freakish 10 home runs in May. He ain't hitting 10 more in July. Meanwhile, trade rumors surround Gary Sheffield, sending him to the Mets for Mike Cameron. Sheffield has said that he won't leave the Yankees if traded, but he's full of shit. Sheffield likes being a dick, but I'm willing to be he likes all that money left on his contract more.
Jeff: You know what he'd like even more than that? All the money on his contract and even more. Ask the Marlins how trading for Sheffield works. WHAT, YOU DON’T LOVE MANU GINOBLI?Rob: I do try to be a good sports fan and keep up with the NBA. I don’t want to be one of those people who consistently dismiss is out of hand. Really, the reason most people don’t like the NBA is because they don’t like thuggish black guys.
Gary Bettman: Why don’t most people like the NHL then?
Rob: Because it’s boring. But I really shouldn’t have any problem watching thuggish black guys, I still listen to old NWA CD’s, I play Grand Theft Auto. But I just don’t get interested in it. So, I missed the entire NBA finals. I didn’t even realize that they were at Game 7 until I read about it in the paper in the morning. I lost a lot of interest when the Heat were eliminated, since Shaq is my favorite basketball player. Tim Duncan and Ben Wallace just don’t really do it for me.
Jeff: It's not just that they're thuggish black guys, it's that they're selfish, lazy, thuggish black guys. The two usually go hand in hand, but if a few of those thugs could move around a little and not just demand the rock in the low post or at the three point line, the game would be a lot more interesting to watch. Watch an NBA game from the 70s or 80s if you ever see one on ESPN Classic. There's almost no contact, players are actually moving around without the ball, and they can hit jump shots. Admittedly, the NBA was a little better in that regard this season with six teams averaging 100 points a game, but most games are still a hack and grab snorefest.
Rob: Yeah, I'll set the Tivo for the next Classic NBA game I can find. What happens to the athleticism these guys have between the time they're drafted and when they make their first NBA appearance? In college, their coaches run the fuck out of them. The college game isn't ballet or anything, but it's a lot more graceful and interesting. I guess the guys must just get sick of it. That's too bad, because there's no reason that the NBA, with the skill level where it is, should be less fun to watch than college ball.
Jeff: I think the number of players completing four year college programs tells you all you need to know about how they feel about being run around the court. A college coach is the star of the team and can tell his players to do whatever he wants. The average NBA coach lasts less than a year and has to beg his guys to show up for practice.
Allen Iverson: Practice? I'm leading the league in scoring and y'all wanna talk about practice?
AT HOME, DRAWIN’ PICTURES…Rob: Jeremy Roenick got in trouble this week for telling hockey fans, whatever that constituency comprises, to kiss his ass. Most hockey fans actually thought that sentiment was already implied by the NHL and the Players Association, what with the prolonged cessation of hockey’s existence and all. Roenick told all the fans who wanted to blame the players and who didn’t realize that everyone was going to try their best to put out a good product to just stay home and don’t bother watching hockey. Again, I don’t think Roenick has to worry about that. I can see his point, he’s probably getting sick of hearing from people everywhere he goes. He’s also probably a little testy that the union is going to get fucking slaughtered by the owners when they finally sign the deal. But he’s got to understand that everyone’s going to have to eat a little shit for a while until they can build the NHL’s fan base up a little. Then you can go back to being a jackass.
Jeff: Roenick had a pretty heated interview with Dan Patrick on SportsCenter a couple of days ago. He blamed the media for making a big deal out of his comments. You see, if the media didn't report what he said to them, then there wouldn't have been a problem. He should be happy there's even any media remembering to talk to him. It's been a long time since he's played any hockey, and it's not like anyone even cared when he did that.
Rob: I've been wondering what the hockey guys in the media have been doing for the past year. I know Gary Thorne calls baseball too, but what the hell has Barry Melrose been doing with his time? I'm sure the hockey reporters are digging for any possible story they can. Actually, Roenick might not be as stupid as you think. Maybe he's thinking that all publicity is good publicity. Personally, I would make nice for a little while first, but at least Roenick's reminding people that hockey still exists, even if he is telling them not to watch it. Regardless, Jeremy Roenick is kind of a douche. But he's one of my favorite hockey players because I can always use him as a rebuttal when my wife starts going on and on about how good looking hockey players are.
Jeff: I'm guessing Barry Melrose is running an exhaustive set of tests to determine the world's best hair products. When hockey finally comes back, his mullet will be shinier, stiffer, and more voluminous than ever before.
WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DON’T STEAL RING!Rob: Patriots owner Bob Kraft was visiting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which is kind of weird anyway, when he let Putin try on his most recent Super Bowl ring. Putin admired the ring, and then slipped it in his pocket and walked away with it.
Dan Marino: Jesus, the President of Russia has a ring and I don’t.
Rob: It’s unclear whether the ring was meant as a gift, or whether Putin is just like all the Russians in America, a filthy thieving criminal. I wonder if Putin really understands the significance of a Super Bowl ring, or if he just liked all the shiny diamonds. If he really likes championship rings, he should enter the Red Sox ring raffle. Of course, due to legal restrictions, all non-Massachusetts residents must buy their tickets at the box office.
Jeff: Oh come on now, Russians don't have to be in America to be filthy, thieving criminals. They're at least as bad back in their own country. Check out http://www.allofmp3.com for the Russian mafia's take on digital music distribution. I don't think it's at all unclear whether the ring was meant as a gift; it wasn't. It's somewhat less clear whether Putin thought it was a gift. But it makes you wonder, what kind of gifts does Putin routinely get where he didn't think it was at all odd for someone to give him a giant, diamond encrusted ring?
Rob: Kraft is now saying that he always intended on giving Putin the ring. I think he's lying, and he just wants to avoid an international incident. You know, once upon a time nations actually did go to war over things like this. Of course, that was long before nuclear weapons, and I think everyone agrees that it would be a shame to obliterate the world over something like this.
Jeff: Meh, world's gotta end somehow. Might as well be because
of an argument over some bling.
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