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August 27, 2005WIPE THE RECORD CLEANRob: Frank Robinson thinks that Rafael Palmiero’s records should be erased from the record books after Raffy tested positive for steroid last month. Now, I see what he’s saying, but really, there’s no way you can do that. First of all, which record books? Are we talking just Total Baseball and Elias, which operate under the official sanction of Major League Baseball? Or should all sources of baseball statistics pull Palmiero’s records? Seems like that would be a shame, there should be some, well, record of what he did in his major league career. What about going forward? I’m going to assume that Frank Robinson doesn’t think Palmiero should be allowed to play anymore, but the CBA is what it is, and now that Raffy’s served his suspension should the numbers he puts up from here on be counted? There are so many holes to be punched in this proposal. Jeff, want to punch a few more? Jeff: Sure. Even if you did want to pull his record, what about the pitchers he faced? Would you then adjust their stats? How about his team wins and losses, would you replace his production with that of a steroid-less Palmeiro and recalculate the games? Stats are what they are. Regardless of how Raffy ran them up, the numbers happened and the record should bear that out. The history accompanying the numbers can tell whatever story needs to be told about them, but the numbers themselves aren't subject to subjectivity, so to speak. Well, none of them except fielding percentage. And by extension batting average, on base percentage, slugging percentage, all hit breakdowns, and ERA. Rob: What about his fielding percentage, actually? That's not really affected by steroids, maybe that should stay. How about his walks, hit-by-pitches, and other things that aren't directly affected by taking steroids. I guess you could argue that his hitting ability affects his walk totals are affected by his hitting skill which was affected by the steroids, then they have to go. What about games played, at-bats, and plate appearances? Rafael Palmiero: What about congressional testimony? Can that be erased? Rob: Sorry, but I think you're stuck with that. LANCE ARMSTRONGRob: Speaking of drug testing, a French newspaper is saying that they have proof that Lance Armstrong used a performance enhancing drub while competing six years ago. They found this out by using a new test on six year old samples of Armstrong’s frozen urine. Ew. Maybe it’s because I’m a baseball fan, but when an athlete gets accused of using performance enhancers, I usually shrug and assume there’s a good chance it’s true. But there is something a little fishy about this. First of all, the French in general and this newspaper in particular have always hated Armstrong for being and American who’s dominating their silly little national sport. So, it’s six years later and he’s the only one who’s testing positive for this drug? Since I don’t care about cycling enough to research the matter and search for the truth, I’m going to just assume that he was clean the whole time. Or only as drugged up as his competitors, which is just as good. Jeff: I'm going to assume he was cheating the whole time and doing it a whole lot more than his competition. And I still don't care enough about cycling to give it a second thought. The question I have is whether the American public cares. I see a shitload of Lance Armstrong wristbands around, he's hugely popular at any kind of event in which he's featured, and people seem to be genuinely impressed by his accomplishments. I'm still inclined to say they wouldn't give a fuck. The only reason fans care about steroids in baseball is because they care about fairness to the other players and fairness to the record holders. I have a hard time believing there are enough Miguel Indurain fans to make a difference in public perception of Armstrong. Rob: I agree, I don't think there's much that can happen to seriously change Armstrong's reputation in America, and probably not in France either. They've been assuming he's been cheating for years anyway, I doubt this does more than just give them a little vindication. What sanction could Armstrong be facing in this situation though? They could ban him fromt he Tour, but he just retired, so that doesn't do much. Do they revoke his win and give it to the second place guy? I doubt whether anyone will remember that guys name after a few years, long before anyone stops saying that Armstrong won seven Tour de Frances. Is there prize money for winning the Tour de France? Does that amount to very much next to his endorsement deals? If he never goes back to France, then he really doesn't have anything to worry about. I wonder if he was ever planning to. I mean, is he into French culture in general, or does he pretty much just go there to ride his bike? There's so much I don't know about Lance Armstrong. I don't know much about Neal Armstrong either. Or Louis Armstrong. But I do know a little about Bullet Bob Armstrong.
Jeff: I would be very upset if I found out Bullet Bob Armstrong ever took steroids. If you can't look to the 70s and professional wrestling for drug-free role models, where can you look? DON’T CRY OVER SPILT MILKRob: The Florida Marlins have suspended their batboy for six games for taking a dare from Brad Penny to drink a gallon of milk in less than an hour and not throw it up. I think it goes without saying that that’s pretty stupid. Why is that even against team rules? I guess he’s supposed to be working, not fucking around, but still. And give the kid a break, Penny offered him $500 if he could do it. This reminds me of when Mr Burns hired Homer to be his Prank Monkey. This type of thing must happen a lot. You have a clubhouse full of millionaires, nearly all of whom are stuck in some sort of arrested adolescence, and a bunch of kids who, A, need money, and B, will probably do just about anything to win the approval of the players. That’s a lethal combination. Now that I think about it, I’m actually surprised we haven’t heard about even more ridiculous dares. Jeff: Maybe the suspension is the exact reason why more stuff like that doesn't happen. It seems like a dumb reason to get rid of someone, but if if they didn't come down hard on it, that kind of shit would happen every single day. We'd go from a gallon of milk to a bottle of tobasco to making a cup a tea with Jeff Kent's jock strap. The shittiest part of the whole story? The kid didn't even finish the milk and never got the $500. That sucks. I was trying to think of how my body would react to something like that. I have a terrible stomach and I'm lactose intolerant. I can't even imagine the type of shit I'd be taking after that. I'd probably need the $50,000 for bathroom repairs. Rob: I think I could do it, but then, I also thought I could eat a twenty Hershey bars in an hour. I still say that the only reason I couldn't do that is because there was nothing else in the candy bar except for chocolate. I really think I could eat twenty Nestle Crunch bars in an hour. And I think I could do the milk thing, though I don't think I'd want to try. I don't think I ever heard it specified what kind of milk the kid had to drink. Drinking a gallon of skim would be a lot easier than a gallon of 2%. Anyway, I see what you're saying about trying to put the breaks on clubhouse shenanigans, but it seems a little unfair that the batboy is the only person who got punished when Brad Penny was the one who put him up to it. But they're probably limited in what they can do to Penny. I doubt the CBA has any language in it that directly pertains to this situation. Jeff: I don't know about the Nestle Crunch bars, but I do know exactly how much chocolate cake soaked in oyster juice you can eat in an hour: none. It's amazing the wife stayed with you after that performance. You could say she loves you for what's inside, but what was inside came outside pretty quickly after that one. |
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