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December 1, 2005
Who's Ball is it Anyway? Part II
Jeff: The Red Sox ball lawsuit is awesome. "Hey, can we borrow
that ball for a year?" "Sure, but give it back as soon
as you're done." "No problem" .... "Where's
my ball?" "Fuck you, thief!"
Rob: It's pretty shitty. I wonder how this will work out. There's
not much precedence for the team claiming something like this, is
there? And I can't imagine why the Red Sox have more of a right
to the ball than the Cardinals. I'd love to see the Cardinals get
in on this suit.
Jeff: The Cardinals might have a better claim on it if the balls
were purchased by the team. Or it could be MLB's if they furnish
the playoff balls. I am sure of one thing, it doesn't belong to
Doug Mientkiewicz.
Rob: I'm not so sure about that. Fans get to keep balls hit into
the stands, that's written down. Do players get to keep home run
balls hit into the bullpen? What's the rule on that?
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November 15, 2005
THE AWARD FOR BEST PERFORMANCE DURING A BASEBALL SEASON GOES TO...
Rob: I was really hoping to be able to surf over to www.nyyfans.com
today and read the A-Rod lovers bitch about A-Rod getting cheated
out of the MVP today, but I guess I can settle for reading the A-Rod
haters bitching about how he can win individual awards, but can
only ground into double plays when “it counts.” As much
as I dislike A-Rod, the haters are completely irrational. Well,
unless they dislike him for being a prissy, purple-lipped douchebag,
in which case they’re right on the money. But he did deserve
the award. He put up better offensive numbers than David Ortiz and
he plays his position pretty well. Though I do think Ortiz isn’t
given enough credit for how well he rides the bench between at-bats.
A-Rod has his put-outs and assists, but he’s got nothing on
Ortiz as far as hugs and secret handshakes go.
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October 5, 2004
August 27, 2005
WIPE THE RECORD CLEAN
Rob: Frank Robinson thinks that Rafael Palmiero’s records
should be erased from the record books after Raffy tested positive
for steroid last month. Now, I see what he’s saying, but really,
there’s no way you can do that. First of all, which record
books? Are we talking just Total Baseball and Elias, which operate
under the official sanction of Major League Baseball? Or should
all sources of baseball statistics pull Palmiero’s records?
Seems like that would be a shame, there should be some, well, record
of what he did in his major league career. What about going forward?
I’m going to assume that Frank Robinson doesn’t think
Palmiero should be allowed to play anymore, but the CBA is what
it is, and now that Raffy’s served his suspension should the
numbers he puts up from here on be counted? There are so many holes
to be punched in this proposal. Jeff, want to punch a few more?
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August 5, 2005
YO LA TENGO
Rob: An umpire in a Little League game in Methuen last week ordered
one team to speak only English after the coach yelled instructions
in Spanish to his pitcher from the dugout. The umpire said that
he was concerned that the coach could yelling illegal instructions
to his players. Like what? Is he going to tell his pitcher to balk?
In actuality, the umpire just has a chip on his shoulder about people
not speaking English, so he made up a rule on the spot. The Commissioner
of Little League Baseball has apologized to the team, and confirmed
that kids are allowed to speak any language they want on the field.
I don’t know if that’s good for their development though.
How do they expect to make it in baseball speaking Spanish all the
time?
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July 27, 2005
MANNY OF MYSTERY
Rob: Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci is reporting that Manny
Ramirez recently asked the Red Sox to trade him. Again. It's hard
to say what to make of these kinds of reports. On one hand, it's
a little disconcerting that he keeps on asking to be traded, on
the other hand, it doesn't seem to matter that much. He's still
hitting, and while he's being a surly recluse this season, there's
nothing in his history that says he won't be pleasant and jovial
next season. Or tomorrow. Jesus, he's a weird guy. Obviously, Manny's
not going anywhere any time soon, unless there's a team out there
that wants to take on his enormous salary. It's kind of strange
to demand a trade when your team is going to have to eat a good
portion of your salary if they did move you. "I don't want
to play for you guys anymore, even though you still have to pay
me."
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July 7, 2005
THE LAST SHALL BE FIRST
Rob: Lou Pinella, frustrated with his shitty bullpen, said that
he was going to start his relievers, let them pitch a couple of
innings, and then bring in his starters to finish out the games.
Then he pussed out and just started Casey Fossum, who gave up seven
runs on his own anyway. This isn’t the first time Pinella’s
floated this idea. Back in Seattle when his bullpen consisted of
such gasoline men as Heathcliff Slocumb, Paul Spoljaric, and, go
figure, Mike Timlin, he said the same thing. I wanted to see it
then, and I was disappointed, and now I’m disappointed again.
I’m not saying that I think it would have been a good idea,
but I’m all for crappy teams doing all sorts of crazy shit.
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June 30, 2005
QUEER AS FOULKE
Rob: Home runs are never good in save situations.
Tim McCarver: Walks are just as bad!
Rob: And grand slams are even worse. I mean, by definition, in
a save situation, a grand slam puts you behind.
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May 9, 2005
SCHADENFREUDE NEVER FELT SO GOOD
Jeff: I had an idea the Yankees wouldn’t be nearly
as good as most analysts suggested they’d be, but I never
did I think they’d be this awful.
Homer Simpson: That team is the suckiest bunch of sucks that
ever sucked.
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April 8, 2005
PROPERTY OF THE BOSTON RED SOX
Jeff: Mariano Rivera continued his string of blown saves versus
the Red Sox this week. He’s currently at four after a spectacular
five runs in two thirds of an inning performance. Alex Rodriguez
did his part by bobbling a potential double play ball, but Mariano
needed very little help in this one. I’m not a big believer
in psychological problems with single teams, but Rivera seems terrified
to throw strikes to the Red Sox hitters. If it's Bill Mueller at
the plate, I can understand, the guy could hit Mariano blindfolded.
But there's no good reason to be walking Dave McCarty.
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February 27, 2005
FRONT AND CENTER
Rob: Last week I reported that the rivalry between the Red Sox
and the Yankees had achieved new heights of inanity. At that point,
I thought that it had gone about as far as it could go. Silly me.
For reasons too complicated and ridiculous to go into here, the
Fleet Center has been taking bids for its own naming rights for
a day lately. This week, a Yankee fan bid for the rights to name
the Fleet Center the “Jeter Center” for one day. His was
the high bid, but Fleet Center officials rejected the proposed name
as “vulgar,” prompting a Red Sox fan to trump the New
Yorker’s bid and name the arena the “Jimmy Fund Center”
for a day. While in actuality this whole thing was a lot more lighthearted
than some of the news outlets have been making it seem, I think
it’s a pretty clear sign that things are spiraling way out
of control here in this little corner of the country at the top
of the AL East.
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February 19, 2005
FROZEN IN TIME
Rob: The NHL finally announced that the players and owners were
too far apart in their negotiations and cancelled the rest of the
NHL season. There actually did look to be a glimmer of hope towards
the end, as the players conceded to a salary cap, but at a higher
number than the owners would agree to. In the end, the players and
owners were $7 million apart. You'd think they could've just split
the difference, but I guess there was more going on there than I'm
aware of. While I'm sad that there will be no hockey this year,
in some respects, I'm relieved. It was seriously getting hard to
come up with new things to say about the lockout. I mean, you can
only say, "The NHL's on ice," so many times.
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February 11, 2005
ANSWER: THEY BOTH LIKE FUCKING THE TIGERS
Question: What do Scott Boras and Sigfried & Roy have in common?
Jeff: Scott Boras continues to display his mastery of mind control,
convincing the Tigers to sign Magglio Ordonez to what could turn
out to be a seven year $105 million deal. Magglio missed most of
last season with a strange knee injury, had two surgeries since
then (one in Austria, for reasons not entirely clear), and cancelled
his public workouts because, well, only Boras himself can explain
this one.
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February 4, 2005
HERE TO STAY IS THE NEW BIRD
Rob: Welcome to the AL East, Sammy. The Cubs traded future Hall
of Famer Sammy Sosa to the Orioles this week for Jerry Hairston
Jr. and prospects. That’s right, Sammy Sosa for Jerry Hairston.
Economics and necessity sure make things funny. Things were getting
pretty sour for Sammy in Chicago where the smiling, happy Dominican
was replaced by the grumpy, bitchy Dominican. It was a shitty situation,
but the trade works out well for both sides. The Cubs get rid of
their least favorite person, and the Orioles finally have a replacement
for Cal Ripken to fill the declining megastar role on their roster.
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January 28, 2005
VICK-TIMS
Rob: To put it concisely, this game blew. Neither team did much
of anything interesting, and certainly nothing that convinced me
they were going to win the Super Bowl. I was rooting for Atlanta
because I thought it was really funny how the Eagles kept on losing
NFC championship games, but it was really hard to get behind them
when they failed to do anything to the Eagles defense. I don't get
to see the Falcons very much, but whenever I do, I'm not terribly
impressed by Michael Vick.
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January 18, 2005
TESTING, TESTING. 1, 2, 3
Rob: We're going to spend a little time catching up on last week's
baseball stories that all happened while Jeff was away in Las Vegas.
First up, Major League baseball and the Player's Association have
agreed on a new steroid testing policy that calls for more random
testing and stiffer penalties for offenders. The stiffer penalties
are important, because any player who actually gets caught using
steroids is probably so dumb, they shouldn't be playing baseball.
If you can't be bothered to obtain either untraceable steroids or
Human Growth Hormone, which is banned but not tested for, then you're
either retarded or have a Pete Rose-level contempt for the game.
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January 9, 2005
TROJAN MAN
Jeff: USC won the national college football championship in a game
I was only vaguely aware was taking place. Pete Carroll couldn't
be more pumped or jacked. Good for them.
Rob: Indeed.
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December 28, 2004
WHITE OUT
Rob: This year's White Christmas didn't last much longer than that
as Reggie White missed all the good Boxing Day fun by dying of a
heart attack that morning. White retired, and died, with 198 career
sacks, and was a cornerstone of the Green Bay Packers teams of the
late 90's, but I'll always remember him for his awesome sermons.
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December 17, 2004
ROID RAGE
Rob: Fallout from the BALCO investigation continues as fans react
to revelations that Barry Bonds "unknowingly" used steroid
provided to him by his personal trainer. I guess he thought he gained
forty pounds of muscle from eating steaks. Baseball fans are clamoring
for tougher steroid testing, or at least they are if you believe
ESPN. Myself, I've never seen anyone clamor for anything, and I'm
not sure I'd recognize clamoring if I did.
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December 2, 2004
SAY IT AIN'T SO, JASON!
Rob: Jason Giambi shocked maybe a half dozen people this week with
his admission that he'd used illegal steroids. To the rest of the
free world, it was confirmation of what's been pretty clear since
even before the BALCO news came out. It wasn't so much Giambi's
size and production during his good years that tipped everyone off
as much as what happened to him after MLB instituted serious steroid
testing. Shrinking and sucking so dramatically in such a short time
is a pretty clear sign that your body isn't necessarily all natural.
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November 29, 2004
THE ARTEST FORMERLY KNOWN AS A BASKETBALL PLAYER
Rob: In a brilliant PR move this week, Ron Artest and the Indiana
Pacers got the NBA millions of dollars worth of free publicity by
going into the stands and attacking fans who had thrown beer at
Artest. NBA Commissioner David Stern responded by suspending Artest
for the rest of the season. That's probably for the best - Artest
didn't seem to be showing a lot of interest in playing basketball
this season. I just don't understand the fan that threw the cup.
In what part of Detroit does he live where you can throw a cup of
beer in a big black guy's face and not face the consequences?
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November 19, 2004
I WANT A PONY, AND A FIRETRUCK, AND A NO TRADE CLAUSE
Jeff: Scott Boras must think he’s been a very good boy this
year, because he’s asked Santa for some pretty big gifts. He
wants ten years for Carlos Beltran, five years at $11 million a
year for Jason Varitek, and he wants everyone to forget how Derek
Lowe totally sucked for two years before sacking up in this year’s
playoffs. I suppose all of those things he’s asking for could
be covered in one big wish: that we could go back in time to the
winter of 2000. But he’d probably need to ask Superman for
that one rather than Santa.
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