A Nightmare on Elm Street

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

"I'm your boyfriend now!"

** SPOILERS **

BOO! Did I scare you? No? Hold on... BOO!! Did I scare you then? Yeah, I did. Don't act like you're so -- BOO!!! How about that time? Did I scare you then? Fine, I won't do it anymo -- BOO!!!! Haha, got you finally! Still no? Okay, I'll just go back to boring you then.  

That's pretty much what it was like watching A Nightmare on Elm Street, the 2010 remake that goes to an empty well about a dozen times too often. I can't recall another horror movie so desperately reliant on the Boo Machine. Every teenager in the movie made it a habit of sneaking up behind their friends and putting a hand on their shoulder or yelling "Hey!" or rattling on their window loudly. Considering they're all sleep-deprived and terrified of the melted-faced guy with the razor claw hands haunting them in their dreams, you'd think they'd be more sensitive to scaring the shit out of each other unnecessarily. But no.  

A Nightmare on Elm Street is a reboot; a brand new crop of teenagers are being murdered in their dreams by Freddy Krueger, whom they've never heard of - unlike the audience, who knows all this stuff already. This creates an experience of the audience being way, way ahead of the dumb teenagers trying to piece together why their friends and soon them are being hacked and slashed every time they take a "micronap", why their parents (Clancy Brown and Connie Britton - totally wasted in nothing roles) keep lying to them about them knowing each other as children, and how come there are pictures of them playing as children when they all only recall meeting in high school. After Kellan Lutz, Katie Cassidy, and Thomas Dekker (the three more "famous" faces from Twilight, Melrose Place, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) are offed, it's down to Kyle Gallner and Rooney Mara to stop Freddy.

Even for a movie about a homicidal dream monster, there's no logic anchoring reality: Nightmare opens with Lutz murdered by Freddy, but he's the only one of the kids who gets a funeral. Any normal high school in any normal town in the real world would stop everything cold if three kids die gruesomely in mysterious circumstances, but in this movie, Principal Clancy Brown keeps classes open and makes sure the swim team never misses a practice. Gallner, a ritalin addict, steals adrenaline shots from the hospital to keep himself awake, jams the syringe in his leg, and... nothing. Oh, adrenaline has no effects? Well, it does if you've seen Pulp Fiction; i.e. a shot to the heart can wake a girl up from a coma. 

Jackie Earle Haley does his best as Freddy Krueger but he has nothing to do except clang his knife fingers against the wall and utter a few trite quips (the funniest of which was "I'm your boyfriend now!" to Mara.) Sometimes it just sounds too much like Rorschach is chasing the teenagers around. Haley is not given any opportunity to distinguish his Freddy from the shadow of Robert Englund. And you know what?  Freddy Krueger is a bitch. He's a child molester who lucked into some supernatural powers but took revenge on the kids who didn't do anything to him instead of the parents who chased him out of town and set fire to him like they were the KKK. His child molesting when he was alive wasn't even of the caliber of the guy who owned the bicycle shop on Diff'rent Strokes. Fuck Freddy.

Back of the Hand

"You watch your mouth before I show you the back of my hand!" - Tracy Jordan

 

Maybe I should change the name of this blog.

Community 1x21 - "The Art of Discourse"

The turnaround on Britta the last oh, four to six episodes or so, has been nice. They've done a good job of making Britta likable. I think "bagel" and her reaction to being mocked had a lot to do with it. Taking the piss out of Britta is funny but also softens her up considerably.

Annie's still dating Vaughn? I don't mind as long as I don't have to see it.

Community's patented "Reaction Shots from Around the Table" is an incredible series of visual gags they keep finding new ways to spin on. I especially liked everyone mocking Annie's gasps.

I was dying at that goat sitting in Pierce's place. The goat's reaction shots were at least as good as Chevy Chase's.

Hearty laugh from me when Pierce walked by Shirley and sat next to an apologized to a different black lady. "Of course."

"You invited me to a 'pool party' that turned out to be a baptism!"
"Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into Heaven!"

Who is the hottest girl in Greendale Abed made out with if it's not Annie or Britta?
I hate teenagers.

The Losers

THE LOSERS

Don't Stop Believin'! Hold On To This Feelin'!

** SPOILERS **

With the objective of stealing The A-Team's thunder in its sights, The Losers arrives with gun barrels fully loaded in comic book superhero and nerd cred. Jeffrey Dean Morgan (The Comedian from Watchmen), Chris Evans (The Human Torch from Fantastic Four and the man chosen to be The First Avenger: Captain America), and Zoe Saldana (Uhura from Star Trek) topline The Losers, which is based on a DC/Vertigo comic few have read, which in turn was based on DC Comics World War II characters even fewer have ever heard of (I'm one of those few. I'm cool). The Losers also stars Idris Elba from The Wire; the status of whether or not you watch The Wire instantly determines your coolness. A well-armed, well-trained, and oddly goofy special forces team, the Losers open the picture being abandoned and betrayed by Max (Jason Patric), their shadowy CIA handler, in Bolivia after a mission goes sideways - best I could follow, the Losers were supposed to be killed but instead 25 children the Losers rescued rode the midnight train to slab city. Saldana mysteriously appears in the Losers' lives, often in her underwear. She seduces Morgan with acrobatic, violent sex that literally burns the house down, and promises to finance their campaign to return to the United States and kill Max for her. Crazy ass comic booky action and explosions commence. The Losers was co-written by Peter Berg, who last directed Hancock, and like Hancock, The Losers feels frothy, a little light on necessary substance (only Evans and Columbus Short, the Losers' wheelman ("Legless Pooch" - in-joke), get backstories about their families), and shamelessly sets up a sequel. Evans is a standout - he's the funniest, most likeable guy in the movie. Short and Evans do all of the comedic heavy lifting. But if anyone upstages Evans, it's Jason Patric, playing a bizarre, slithery villain with dreams of making a lot of money from mass destruction. There are a couple of switcheroos and trademark changes of heart that aren't all that surprising, but the bottom line is The Losers is a lot of fun. I was most fascinated by two things: the worship shown to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'", and by the white shirt Jeffrey Dean Morgan wore the entire movie. Did he constantly launder that shirt when it got soaked in blood and grime or did he have a secret stack of white shirts that always traveled with him?

Lost 6x13 - "The Last Recruit"

I don't think I've ever been more impressed with Jack than when he jumped off that boat. His transformation is complete. He's practically an all-new character. Jack's been a source of frustration and disappointment for six years. You always wanted to think the best of him but we too often saw the worst. His character has been redeemed.

It's pretty satisfying to see Jack completely changed. He takes orders, he's calm, he's thoughtful. He sincerely apologized for getting Juliet stuck in V. He has faith. And he sure does love the Island - well, maybe not, but he believes in it. If only the late John Locke could see Jack now; he'd smile that squinty-eyed crooked smile of his.

Is Jack with Smoke Locke like Smoke Locke thinks? Maybe after Jack recovers from being exploded on the beach, he might beg to differ.

"You can always turn someone back from the Dark Side. Anakin?"
"Who the hell's Anakin?!"

Many's the time I wish we never found out the hell Anakin is. Has living on the Island for the confusing and contradictory amount of time he has obliterated Sawyer's pop culture knowledge? He was Mr. Nickname. He should know who Anakin is. He knew that Lapidus looks like he stepped off the set of a Burt Reynolds movie. (Maybe Sawyer's reference points are still stuck in the 70's).

They could have called this episode "Everybody Betrays Locke". The Candidates couldn't wait to bail on Smoke Locke and take off on their plan B. Sayid probably even betrayed Smoke Locke and lied about offing Desmond in the well. Where was Sayid at the end when the Widmore missiles blew up all of those Others? Did Sayid follow Locke back to the beach?

The episode started out with more straight up answers: "Were you, Smoke Monster, inhabiting Christian's dead body?" "Yes." "Why?" "So Jack could find water." Wow. The Smoke Monster should have said, "All I've ever wanted to do, Jack, is just tell you all these answers to your questions up front. It just didn't work out that way."

I really thought for a second Kate's attempt to reason with Claire would get her if not killed, then shot. I don't think Kate's been injured on the show. She hasn't been shot or stabbed or stepped in a bear trap. She's been fucked in a bear cage... I'm digressing. I was hoping while they were eating the canned goods in the galley of the boat, someone would have encouraged Claire to use the bathroom sink and wash her hair or something.

Kind of out of the blue, because with all the other stuff going on it sneaked in under the radar a bit, we got the Jin and Sun Island reunion we've waited two seasons for. "Looks like someone got her voice back." Frank Lapidus Spells Things Out.

Meanwhile, in the sideways universe, Sun recognized Locke. Did she just recognize him from Oceanic 815 or was there a cross-reality realization? Jack recognized Locke too from their meeting at the airport. Dr. Linus found out Locke's first name, and it's a manly name like John and not a girlie name like Leslie (Arzt).

Jack and Claire had family reunions in both realities. I was impressed by how Jack's moppet son walked exactly like he does when they were walking down the hospital corridor on the way to Jack's surgery. Also, Claire has been pretty well established to be super-duper trusting. She got in the cab with Kate after Kate cab-jacked her at the airport, and she trusted Desmond pretty quickly before going into the law firm to meet the cleans-up-nicely corporate hot Ilana. (KABLAMMO!)

Detective James Ford and Kate have a lot of fun potential in the sideways universe. He's the scruffy cop with a mysterious secret, she's the wanted, sexy fugitive with a heart of gold. And Miles makes for a great third wheel. It's a shame the sideways universe won't continue as its own show. I liked how Miles and Jimmy tripped up Sayid and caught him so handily.

Incidentally, Sayid has been a hired assassin for Ben Linus and a zombie (would be) assassin for Smoke Locke. He has four episodes left to find a way to become an assassin for Charles Widmore and complete the Lost Super Villain trifecta.

So whatever happened with Richard, Ben, and Miles' plot to blow up that plane? Are they already on Hydra Island? I guess we'll soon find out.

Why Would He Destroy a Star?

I'm getting rid of using star ratings for movie reviews I write. The star ratings I assigned to reviews were originally meant primarily for my benefit. I tended to use star ratings as a quick snapshot, simply to remind myself what I thought of a movie at a glance, as I certainly don't instantly remember what I might have thought of every movie I've seen.

More and more, I'm finding that for some, the star rating has become a substitute for reading the review. Occasionally, I've found myself engaged in a debate over the meaning of the star rating - why this many stars and not that many? why a half a star more or less than a full star? - when the star rating really means so little to me other than as a memory device. In a hobby with relatively few benefits like maintaining a personal blog of movie reviews, that's become an annoyance I can really do without.

In truth, I've also not always been entirely on the up and up with my star rating assignments: I gave Avatar four stars as a joke. The review I wrote for Avatar argues very much against Avatar's excellence. There have also been occasions where the star rating I initially assigned doesn't hold up or reflect my opinion of a movie after a repeat viewing, both positively and negatively.

In the end, I've simply decided to go without star ratings from now on and see how that goes. I'll be retroactively eliminating past star ratings [Edit: no, I probably won't. See comments] and, starting with the next movie I see in a movie theater, there will be no star rating, just the review. Incidentally, the next movie I see is probably going to be The Losers. Apt.

How To Train Your Dragon (***1/2)

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

** SPOILERS **

How To Train Your Dragon just about has it all: action, wit, a hero's journey, Vikings, and especially dragons. One of the most fun aspects of How To Train Your Dragon is its sheer variety of dragons: two headed fire breathers, fat little dragons, sleek, jet black "night furies", and one honking huge dragon that functions kind of as the Alien Queen in Aliens. The dragons inhabit a series of islands shared with the strangest tribe of Vikings I've ever seen in movies; the Viking children sound and act like average American teenagers but their husky parents all have Scottish accents. The Vikings are lead by the Viking King Stoick (Gerard Butler) and his genial sidekick voiced by Craig Ferguson. Stoick's son Hiccup (Jay Baruchel) isn't much of a Viking, though perhaps Stoick naming his son Hiccup set the boy up for underachievement and low expectations. When Hiccup happens upon a dragon he maimed in the Vikings vs. dragons battle that opens the movie, he forms a friendship and understanding with the dragon, which he names Toothless, and becomes the first Viking to domesticate and ride a dragon. The cinematography and animation design are fantastic, with thrilling sequences of Hiccup and his tough girl companion Astrid (America Ferrara) riding his dragon that rival Avatar's vaunted 3D. I liked that the hero of the story is a smart, compassionate kid and those aspects of his personality are what win the day in the face of dragon-killin' Viking tradition. The movie contains a nice message of understanding and co-existence. The Hangover taught us tigers like pepper but hate cinnamon. How To Train Your Dragon instructs that eels are like cinnamon to dragons. Good to know.