Game of Thrones season 8 concluded the biggest show in the world. I was thrilled to be part of the main Game of Thrones team covering the final season at Screen Rant with a sweet gig as the God of Death charting everyone who died plus a weekly deep dive into each episode, and more. Here are all my features linked below:
Here comes the King in the North! Here comes the King in the North! The King in the North!
Arya Stark has seen a lot of horrible shit in her 12 or so years on Westeros, most if it involving the violated corpses of her immediate male relatives. She was still groggy from the floggin' on the noggin the Hound gave her (before smartly taking a Frey banner so that they wouldn't be massacred like the legions of Stark bannermen), so she didn't quite register what she saw. Nor did the show put too fine a point on it, because it's one of the most repulsive, ghastly things George RR Martin wrote in the book, but that was supposed to be Grey Wind the direwolf's head sewed onto the beheaded corpse of the late Robb Stark. So I like to think it's the same on the show too. Because I'm a romantic. Later, Arya and the Hound happened upon the Frey soldiers who took credit for decapitating Grey Wind and Arya couldn't take it anymore. Nor should she. Invoking the coin Jaqen gave her in the season 2 finale (callback!), Arya rabidly stabbed the soldier in the neck while the Hound felt obligated to murderize the others. Valar Morghulis. Arya Stark has just taken her first step into a larger world... of killing.
"Mhysa" is a very talky episode to wrap up the season and put everyone in place for next season and beyond. The Red Wedding, of course, is the talk of the realm, or at least the Southern portion of the realm. Reactions must be gauged and motivations weighed in as to why it happened. We knew Walder Frey committed the heinous act of killing guests under his roof because of the slight of Robb breaking his oath to marry Talisa, but there was more to it, which Walder happily conveyed to his accomplice Roose Bolton, the new Warden of the North. It's a very old grudge Walder held against Catelyn's father Hoster Tully for coining the nickname "The Late Walder Frey", and to a lesser extent, a grudge Frey holds against the rest of the realm for thinking him a disgusting old coot. We learn Edmure is in a dungeon and he never got to bed his new bride Roslin. The Blackfish escaped after taking Westeros' longest, most eventful piss. Bolton, for his part, hated Robb Stark for his arrogance and for ignoring his advice at every turn. No more bowing to the Starks for the Boltons; they now control the North. Sunrise, sunset. Bolton also definitively established the man torturing Theon is his bastard Ramsay Snow, and explained the whole gambit of what went down at Winterfell, which is still a complete ruin we've not seen since the end of season 2, despite the opening credits routinely stopping by its smoking crater.
Ramsay also made it abundantly while eating a sausage that yes, indeed, he cut Theon's dick off. No, he won't kill Theon and put him out of his misery, but he did give Theon a new name: Reek. Reek, it rhymes with peek, as in this whole storyline is a peek at what happens in book 5. Meanwhile, the news of what's happened to Theon along with an ultimatum to withdraw all Ironborn forces from the Bolton-controlled North arrived by raven at Pyke. Balon Greyjoy was expectedly quick to forfeit the son he never liked and ignore the threat, but the daughter he does like committed her first act of rebellion. Because despite Theon being dope and a skeev who went to third base on her while riding a horse, Yara understands family. In defiance of her lord father's wishes, or maybe rather preferences, Yara gathered fifty of the Iron Islands' best killers and their fastest ship to save her idiot brother. It's impossible for the Greyjoys to ever watch Saturday Night Live on Pyke, but nonetheless, Yara found out what her least favorite digital short is:
Speaking of defying your king, Davos Seaworth doesn't see any other way to do business. Somehow, Stannis made him Hand of the King again, and Davos used his new found skill at literacy to learn of the Night's Watch's warning of the impeding attack of the White Walkers. There's also Gendry, sitting in the dungeons of Dragonstone, possibly in the same cell Davos was recently in. Davos has a bit in common with Gendry, both born in Flea Bottom and finding their fates at the mercy of the whims of the highborn, but his pleas to Stannis about letting his nephew live fell on deaf ears. Davos hates all of this red god magic stuff, but Stannis actually made a good point that the Targaryens used the magic of dragons to conquer the Seven Kingdoms in the first place. What's good for the dragon is good for the stag, right? Nonetheless, Davos can't help himself from committing treason and helps Gendry escape Dragonstone. Stannis rightfully sentences him to death until Davos plays the "Winter is Coming" card and even Melisandre concurred that it's Stannis' role in the grand scheme of things to be the one to meet the threat of the White Walkers. And for that, he'll need Davos to help him raise an army. Davos escapes death once more by the skin of his teeth.
Hey, does Stannis ever stop and ask himself, "What kind of weird ass king am I, anyway? I know exactly two people: a lowborn smuggler who keeps betraying me for my own good, and a hot nudist witch. If I expand my relations to my family, I've got my kid with the half face of stone and the crazy wife with all my stillborn sons in jars."
With Osha and Rickon off to the Last Hearth and off the show, presumably, Bran, Jojen, Meera, and Hodor have made it to the Nightfort, famous for a ghost story about a man punished by the gods for murdering someone under his protection. The kids and Hodor get a good scare when Sam and Gilly appear from the black gate, and for the sake of expediency and convenience, Sam knows all about Bran and Hodor from conversations he and Jon Snow had off camera. Sam fills them in on his encounters with the White Walkers and I guess I owe Sam an apology for calling him an idiot when he left the dragonglass behind because he had tons more on him, which he distributed to Bran, Hodor and the Reeds. For reasons no one quite understands or agrees with, Bran must go beyond the Wall to find the three-eyed raven and refused to go with Sam and Gilly to Castle Black. Well, good luck to them. I hope Bran's adventures beyond the Wall work out better than what happened to the garrison of crows Lord Commander Mormont sent out there. Sam and Gilly watch the bravest little crippled Stark and his weirdo friends march off to their white doom, to go get the shit kicked out of them by White Walker love.
Meanwhile, Jon Snow and Ygritte have probably the worst breakup ever, at least on this series. Jon said sorry/not sorry for bailing on Ygritte but she knew he was a crow double agent all along. Ygritte and Jon do love each other, but she also loves him enough to stick three arrows in him while he rode off. Three arrows stuck in him! Jon Snow really is Boromir's kid. (So was Robb, come to think of it. He had more arrows in him.) Jon made it to Castle Black, finally, collapsing in front of his old friends he hasn't seen in ages, including Sam. Sam and Gilly had made it to Castle Black prior and reported to blind old Maester Aemon (Targaryen) of all they had seen and what had transpired. Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures, and Maester Aemon even allowed Gilly and her baby, now named Sam, to remain as guests of the Night's Watch. Sam writes the 40 letters sent by 40 ravens to the realm of the need of the Night's Watch for aid against the White Walkers. At least, for the moment, with Jon and Sam reunited, Gilly and her baby safe, there's a little bit of good news at Castle Black to go along with all of the horrible news. (I mean, Jon doesn't even know about Robb yet.)
At King's Landing, news of the Red Wedding was met with approval by the Small Council, except for Tyrion, who was pried away from starting to get along rather well with his new bride Sansa (despite the stern looks of Shae) when Podrick - he who makes the ladies giggle and swoon - summoned him to the Tower of the Hand. Joffrey was jubilant that Robb and Catelyn Stark are dead. Except for Stannis, effectively the War of the Five Kings is over, thanks to Tywin, who masterminded the Red Wedding affair. Joffrey royally fucked up when he told his grandfather he was a coward for "hiding under Casterly Rock" while his father Robert won the Iron Throne - everyone at the table was like, "Ooooh." Tywin fucking sent Joffrey to bed, while it was still daytime like Joffrey was Bart and Lisa while living in Ned Flanders' house. Tywin dismisses everyone except Tyrion, who, mind you, still has not impregnated Sansa. (Prompting Tywin to state outright: "I'm not going to rape her!") The old grudges between Tywin and Tyrion flared up again. When Tyrion returned to his chambers, he found Sansa already learned about the Red Wedding. Before Podrick called him to the Small Council, Sansa was telling Tyrion about Arya's practical jokes of leaving sheep "shift", re: shit, in holes in Sansa's mattress. I guess Tyrion will be finding some shift under his couch. It's the only revenge Sansa has.
Here's the thing about Tywin: What he wants, besides all the stuff he already has like the power to control the Seven Kingdoms from behind the scenes and the preservation and security of the Lannister family, is someone to talk to. He liked Arya because she had the capacity and wherewithal to engage him in conversation. So does Tyrion, except 1) Tyrion can't help but remind him of his dead wife and 2) Tywin has a hard time looking past all of Tyrion's flaws. Plus Tyrion, being one of his kids, harbors all kinds of daddy issues of his own that always worm their way into every conversation. And yet, Tyrion is the one man (besides Varys or Littlefinger, whom Tywin would never entrust personally) in all the Seven Kingdoms who actually could understand Tywin's reasoning and stratagems. This is something Varys understood and tried to explain to Shae, when he gave her the smoothest "attagirl, now please GTFO and don't come back" speech I've ever heard to get her to leave Westeros. Varys even told Shae to shine bright like a diamond, here are some diamonds. Shae threw them back at him. Big mistake, girlfriend.
One of the highlights of the past two seasons has been the little verbal jousts and tete-a-tetes between Tyrion and Cercei, another Lannister who's in desperate need of someone intelligent to talk to, even if it's the misshapen little brother she despises. Only a Lannister can understand the inner torment of another Lannister and Cercei once again bares her soul about how unhappy she is, except for her children, including Joffrey, who also makes her deeply unhappy, but he didn't when he was very young. Cercei also pretty confidently stated he isn't marrying Loras Tyrell (all of the Tyrells were noticeably absent from the last couple of episodes. And come to think of it, so is Bronn. Where the hell is Bronn?! Was he at Tyrion and Sansa's wedding?) But into everyone's gloom and doom, a little light must shine, and finally, after two and a half seasons, Jaime has returned to King's Landing and to his sweet sister. We only got a moment to see them reunited, and Jaime came in stump-first.
Game of Thrones has established a pattern of the ninth episode of every season being where the most batshit crazy, game-changing killing happens, and the finale ends with something uplifting involving the true heroine and beating heart of this story, Daenerys Targaryen. Compared to the prior two seasons, Daenerys has had a really good year. I mean, Tywin had a great year, but Daenerys even moreso. She walked out of Qarth with all of Xaro Xhoan Daxos' money, went to Astapor and acquired 8,000 Unsullied and Ser Barristan Selmy, now at Yunkai, with the help of Daario Naharis, she took Yunkai with almost no bloodshed and freed all their slaves. Plus she must be regularly moisturizing and conditioning, because she looks better than ever.
So it's only fitting we once again say goodbye to another year in Westeros with our beautiful Kahleesi as she waited for the gates of Yunkai to open and all of her freed slaves to come out and greet their new Queen. Which they did. Daenerys gave them all back their lives and self-determination, and they greeted her with a new word: "Mhysa", meaning "mother". And like the rock star Queen that she is, Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the Unburnt, the Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, and Kahleesi of the Dothraki is crowd surfed by the people of Yunkai. Everything's coming up Kahleesi!
You know, you wait years to see something. You know it's coming. You think you're ready. And then it happens. It's one thing to see it in your mind's eye. It's another thing to see it. And it is beyond fucked up.
Anyway...
You are cordially invited to the wedding of Edmure Tully of House Tully and Roslin Frey of House Frey, hosted by Lord Walder Frey with special guest the King in the North, Robb Stark of House Stark. The Red Wedding. It's the social event of the season!
Over his War of the Five Kings of Westeros chess set, Robb lets Catelyn in on his plan to take Casterly Rock from the Lannisters. It's theoretically a good plan full of pro-Stark symbolism. If they can take Casterly Rock, they get Tywin Lannister's gold and power base, plus it sends a message to the realm that the Lannisters are not invincible after all. Of course, to do any of this, Robb needs Walder Frey's men and cooperation, and even if he has those, an error in timing would allow Tywin to send his army from King's Landing, trapping the Stark-Frey forces against the Lannister Army and the sea. It's a risky game of Risk. Catelyn has her doubts the plan could work even if she didn't deeply suspect the intentions of Walder Frey. But see, Robb made this bed and he has to sully its sheets because what else can he do?
Finally arrived at the Twins, Lord Walder greets the Starks with the Westerosi custom of bread and salt, thereby offering them his protection. But that doesn't mean they're protected from Lord Walder being a skeevy old asshole. Walder sends his harem of daughters and granddaughters out for display - he knows most of their names - to show the King in the North what he missed out on when he broke his oath to make one of them his queen and instead marry that Volanti girl. But he saves his extra skeeviness for Talisa, who he evaluates with his Old Man Frey X-Ray Vision, seeing through her dowdy dress to the tight body underneath that made the King in the North an oathbreaker. As if he were the Larry Flynt of Westeros, Lord Walder sized Talisa up like a piece of meat in front of her husband the King. Oh sure, Robb begged forgiveness from the Freys for his offense, and that he married Talisa out of love, but Lord Walder isn't entirely wrong in pointing out lust had more than a little to do with it too. Edmure, who still doesn't know which Frey daughter he's going to make an honest Tully out of, was pretty funny making faces in the back of the room.
The Red Wedding (as it will become infamous for) proceeds immediately. It's a classy affair, done up in all the traditions in the light of the Seven gods of Westeros. Lord Walder brings forth Edmure's bride and instead of throwing up, Edmure is delighted! Roslin Frey is hot! Lord Walder's been holding out on us. That clever old coot. Biggest laugh of the night was Walder and Robb making faces at each other. The relief of Edmure's face is palpable as he marries the hottest Frey and came away from this with the literal pick of the litter. Lord Walder's full of surprises, but that was the only good surprise.
In the riverlands en route to the Twins, Arya and the Hound bicker and banter as the Hound knocks out a merchant delivering salt pork to the Twins for the wedding feast. Arya doesn't want the Hound to kill the old man but she's cool with bludgeoning him into unconsciousness. The Hound, in his way, is actually being kind of noble, and he seems to have a soft spot in his heart for unfortunate Stark girls victimized by affairs beyond their control or understanding, but those Stark girls hate him and always will. Arya sure does. She knows the Hound is scared of fire like the Martian Manhunter and promises to kill him herself some day. She's nervous, being so close to the Twins, her mother and brother, just on the horizon, yet so far. What if something goes wrong? Something always goes wrong. On an unrelated note, agreed with the Hound, pig trotters are good stuff.
Across the Narrow Sea, Daario Naharis pours on the sexual tension with Daenerys as he maps out his foolproof scheme to sack Yunkai. It seems simple: He walks right in the back door by just being Daario Naharis, kills some guards, brings in Grey Worm and Jorah Mormont, then they open the main gate and let the Unsullied army in. Jorah is suspicious because Jorah's always suspicious. It's Grey Worm who gives Daario the thumbs up, and that's good enough for the Kahleesi. And so it was Daario marched into the back gate of Yunkai just by saying his name, whistles for Jorah and Grey Worm (he's one of the world's best whistlers), and they stride right in to a waiting horde of guards. Whom they fight and kill. Dig how Grey Worm fights, perfect form, smooth as silk executions with his long pointy stick. And faster than you can say "we did not have the budget to show the actual battle", the three amigos return to Daenerys' tent with the awesome news: Yunkai has fallen. The city is hers'.
Sam and Gilly make it within sight of the Wall as Sam regales Gilly with more Facts You Learn From Books that Gilly can't understand how he can possibly remember. Gilly calls Sam a wizard. Like the big fucking nerd he is, Sam takes it as the greatest compliment he ever received.
Meanwhile, in The Gift, Jon Snow and the Wildlings make it to the farm house of the old man who breeds horses for the Night's Watch. Tormund Giantsbane and Orell the Warg still don't think Jon is one of them as he tries to talk them out of killing the old man. The Wildlings storm the old man's farm and chase him as he heads off. While this is going on, the Endless Camping Trip lead by Bran has made their way to a stone tower, where they hide out from a gathering storm. Hodor is apparently freaked out by thunder and won't shut up with the Hodoring. It seems like Hodor is about to Hodor it up for them with all his Hodoring as the Wildlings chasing the old man end up right outside the tower. Bran Wargs it up somehow and enters Hodor's mind, putting him to sleep. This is a big deal; Wargs can enter animals but a person's mind? Then again, it's just Hodor. Surely the direwolves' minds are more complex. Outside, the Wildlings force Jon to kill the old man but unless your name is Quorin Halfhand, Jon just can't bring himself to do it. So Ygritte puts an arrow in the old man and that sets off a Wildling revolt against the two of them. As Tormund restrains Ygritte, Jon slays the Wildlings and kills Orell ("You were right about me!") but Orell Wargs with his dying breath into the raven above and nearly pecks Jon's eyes out. At the urging of Jojen, Bran is able to Warg into Summer and saves Jon, who gets on a horse and gallops like hell out of there, leaving an incredulous Ygritte behind. You know nothing about escaping with your girlfriend, Jon Snow.
In the stone tower, Bran makes the executive decision to break up their Camping Troop for good. Osha and Rickon are to make for the protection of the Umbers, while Bran, Hodor and the Reeds will continue North of the Wall to find the three eyed raven. Rickon has the most lines he's ever had in the series as he tearfully says goodbye to his older brother and for all we know the viewing audience because how often are we going to check in with Rickon Stark from here on out?
Back to the Red Wedding, everything's going splendidly. The King in the North isn't seated on the dias with Lord Walder, Edmure, and Roslin, but he doesn't seem to care. And hey, Lord Roose Bolton made it to the wedding feast. That's gotta bode well. Edmure is a happy, happy camper with his hot new wife, which doesn't escape his sister Catelyn or their uncle the Blackfish. Meanwhile, Robb and Talisa are all lovey dovey. But it's time for Joffrey's favorite part of a Westerosi wedding - the bedding ceremony! This involves all the men crowd surfing the bride Roslin to the bed chamber while the women grab ahold of a giddy Edmure and help wisk him off to consummate their holy union. While they watch. A custom Talisa doesn't understand. Talisa does tell Robb that if they have a son, she wants to name him Eddard. Robb is the happiest guy in the world.
Hey wait, why's that guy barring the door to the chamber? Catelyn's Spider-sense is tingling. Why is the house band ominously playing "The Rains of Castamere", the most famous song in the realm about that family who dared challenge the Lannisters and was wiped off the face of Westeros?
Outside of the Twins, Arya and the Hound are denied entry with their salt pork since the wedding feast is over. Arya's Spider-sense goes off and she sneaks away to see Frey men slaughtering the Stark soldiers. Grey Wind the direwolf is caged and his direwolf sense is going off, but the Frey men line up their crossbows and slaughter Grey Wind. Arya finds herself back in the arms of the Hound, who has figured out this place is bad news for anyone named Stark, so he knocks out his Stark and carries her out of there, lest she join the fate of her family inside.'
And finally, Lord Walder Frey plays his hand, breaking his oath to protect Robb Stark just as Robb Stark broke his oath to him. Turnabout is fair play, except it's horrible. It's pure blood spurting slaughter. Talisa is knifed in the belly, killing her and the Stark child she carries. Crossbows open fire on Robb and Catelyn, who noticed the chain mail Lord Bolton mysteriously was wearing too late to save herself or Robb. In her last act as a bad ass, Catelyn grabs onto whichever Frey girl Walder was married to and begged for Robb's life or else she'd kill the girl. Lord Walder couldn't have given a shit. Lord Bolton delivers the death stab to Robb on behalf of the Lannisters, who he sold Robb out to. Catelyn slits the Frey girl's throat, Catelyn gets her throat slit, blood spurts everywhere, and the most batshit sick and crazy event in Game of Thrones' history has now been televised for the viewing pleasure of audiences around the world.
It was as good and even more horrible than I imagined. Bravo.
You are cordially invited to the nuptials of Sansa Stark of House Stark and Tyrion Lannister of House Lannister.
"Second Sons" is dominated by the wedding of the second son of Tywin Lannister, and oh, what a glorious occasion it was. If you like uncomfortable wedding humor, this beats the wedding of Jim Halpert and Pam Beesley by a mile. The star of the wedding was neither the bride nor the groom, but the King. Joffrey was utterly fantastic, thoroughly enjoying himself watching his misshapen troll of an uncle whom he hates marry his former betrothed, whom he enjoys seeing tortured and also hates. No one at that wedding had a better time than the King, from sniggering at the horror of Sansa being walked down the aisle by Joffrey in place of her dead father ("As father of the realm...") to cruelly stealing the stepladder left at the stage for Tyrion to stand on and laughing at Tyrion try to ceremonially cloak his beanstalk of a bride. Later, Joffrey threatened to rape Sansa and then tried to get the Bedding Ceremony underway so that everyone could watch Tyrion put a Lannister baby inside Sansa. Joffrey Baratheon is the King of weddings.
In Westeros, it isn't bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding. In fact, it turns out to be the opposite in this case. Tyrion tried to make Sansa feel a little better about being forced to go through with this, and weathered Shae's dagger eyes, since the whole point of this match made in Lannister heaven is to get Sansa pregnant and quick. Sansa simply cannot get over the fact that A) Tyrion is a Dwarf and B) He's a Lannister, no matter how gentle and kind Tyrion tries to be. But then, he barely comes up to her waist. At their wedding bedchamber their honeymoon goes about as well as their wedding, and Tyrion can't bring himself to do his bride, especially after he and we learn definitively how old Sansa is: 14! The world's tallest 14 year old. She's like a young Brienne the Beauty except she actually brings the Beauty part. Tyrion promises his new wife he won't do her unless she wants him to. "What if I never want you to?" Cold. Catelyn would give her a talking to if she were here. Which reminds me, it doesn't seem like any of the Starks are aware of the happy news of their oldest daughter/sister. That'll be a raven worth seeing them receive. So no baby in Sansa's belly, a petty little rebellion by the drunken little Dwarf towards his domineering father. At least Shae was happy about it.
As Tyrion got himself plastered and Tywin glowered at him while Sansa picked at her food and frowned, the other VIPs at the wedding were also having horrible times. Well, not Lady Olenna, who took some delight in mapping out the labyrinthine and somewhat incestuous sounding ways Margaery, Joffrey, Cercei, Loras, Tyrion, Sansa, and their offspring will all be related to each other. Loras didn't enjoy hearing any of it because none of that new family tree left any branches opening for sword swallowing. And there was simply no talking to Cercei, who was out-shrewing herself. Cercei hated Margaery calling her sister so much, she gave her a history lesson of how the Lannisters massacred House Reyne of Castamere and threatened to have Margaery strangled in her sleep. Loras didn't fare much better when he tried to talk to her but at least no death threat. This wedding set a high bar for the next two or three weddings, Margaery-Joffrey, Cercei-Loras, and Edmure-What's Her Name Frey. But at least one of those is guaran-damn-teed to exceed it by season's end.
The other "Second Sons" were the gang of 2,000 sellsword cutthroats hired by the Yunkai to fight Daenerys called the Second Sons. Daenerys called a meeting with their captains, Mero "The Titan's Bastard, The Guy Who Says "Leftenant", and Dario Naaharis, the Whore Who Hates Whores. Mero was pretty charming, what with asking Daenerys to get naked and show him her cunt. And that was when he was being polite. Daenerys finally unleashed one of her best catchphrases from the books, when she plays innocent and says "I'm just a young girl and know little about the ways of war." But she made the Second Sons an offer they can't refuse: they can fight for her and they'll be rewarded when she takes Westeros, or she'll kill them. The meeting went about as well as could be expected, except for Missendei, who got her ass grabbed more than she'd have liked.
Later, the Second Sons decide to assassinate Daenerys and play the Whore With a Coin game. This might be a Game of Thrones first where there's a ton of nudity but the whore didn't get naked. For the first time since she ended season one by birthing her dragons in the fire, Daenerys got naked again. (But who was counting the episodes? Ahem.) While giving the Kahleesi a bath, Missendei deftly sidestepped Daenerys' poor pronunciation when she speaks Dothraki, which was news to Daenerys. Kahl Drogo always said her Dothraki was perfect. She learned something new about her late husband. Suddenly, the Second Son assassin slipped in with a knife to Missendei's throat and revealed himself to be Dario. Dario also revealed he didn't really want to kill the hottest woman in Essos and instead beheaded his buddies Mero and the Guy Who Says Leftenant. Neither will be particularly missed. Daenerys rises from the tub and makes Dario swear his allegiance to her full frontal and then quickly robed-ness and Dario does what every guy would do. And thus Daenerys has her Second Sons and a new boy toy. The old fogie in love with her won't like this one bit.
Melissandre arrives on Dragonstone with Gendry and Stannis finally meets his bastard nephew. Stannis immediately high tails it to the dungeon where Davos Seaworth is learning how to read and tells him his bastard nephew is here and Melissandre's going to kill him. Also, sorry about your son and all and you're free to go, just don't try to kill Melissandre again, cool? Davos surmises Stannis dropped by not just to free him but to hear someone he trusts who has his head screwed on straight say out loud that Stannis doesn't really want to and shouldn't kill his dead brother's bastard. But Stannis says he saw the future looking into the fire, a great battle in the snow. He saw stuff from Book 6 or 7?! Also, Davos has seen the Red God's magic so who can really say that the Lord of Light isn't the one true god? Frankly, I agree. I'd worship the Lord of Light if I were in Westeros.
Especially since the Lord of Light is super into sending his hot priestesses into kinky sex games. Gendry is understandably suspicious that weeks ago, he was running for his life in the woods, and now a hot kissed by fire (we don't say "ginger' in Westeros) religious lady has him stashed in a castle, is plowing him with wine, gets naked, and mounts him cowgirl. But the fun doesn't last very long at all for poor Gendry as he's tied up in what isn't kinky sex games. Melissandre binds his wrists ankles and sets loose the Lord of Light's special leeches. Leeches on Gendry's dick, man. Stannis and Davos come in to see this fucked up scene but Melissandre is like, hey, more's the merrier to watch. Stannis throws the King's blood-fattened leeches in the fire and counts down the names of his three usurpers: Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, and Joffrey Baratheon.
At the end of the episode, Sam Tarley and Gilly were discussing names for Gilly's baby and came to a mutual agreement not to name him after either of their fathers. Especially not Craster, which seems to be the only male name Gilly, a kind, sheltered simpleton, had ever heard of. She also didn't know the difference between birth names and surnames. So was Craster his first name? She's not Gilly Craster? I guess it doesn't matter. Gilly is defensive about not being as well read as Sam, but neither of them has ever seen a movie, and thus neither could identify how that murder of crows or ravens or whatever seemed a lot like the creepy birds in The Birds. Soon a White Walker was upon them and Sam somehow didn't get himself or Gilly killed. Instead, after the White Walker froze his sword and shattered it, Sam remembered he had Dragonglass and shived the White Walker in the shoulder. Lo and behold, that's all it takes to magically destroy a White Walker. So what does that dummy Sam do? He grabs Gilly and runs - leaving the Dragonglass in the snow. What a maroon!
Finally, there's Arya, now the property of the Hound, and about to bash his head in with a rock before the Hound intimidates her out of that idea. Arya sure hates the Hound, but the Hound rather reasonably explains - in classic Game of Thrones fashion where the worst people on the outset don't seem quite as bad in perspective when you hear them out - that there are far worse people in Westeros than him, like his brother, Cercei, and the King, all of whom he's fleeing. It turns out the Hound isn't taking Arya to King's Landing, he's heading for the Twins, where Arya is surprised to learn her uncle Edmure will marry a Frey in the presence of her brother Robb and her mother Catelyn. Arya smiles for the first time in weeks. I mean, cool, she gets to go to a wedding! Weddings are fun in Westeros.
"The Bear and the Maiden Fair" is this season's episode personally penned by George R.R. Martin. Watching it, one imagines he had Salt-N-Pepa "Let's Talk About Sex" blasting on his iPod on loop.
Let's talk about sex, baby Let's talk about you and me Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things That may be Let's talk abooooout sex
This is the couples episode of Game of Thrones season 3, where all the couples got together and talked about all the couple-y things that couples are concerned with. Take the King in the North. All he's interested in is sex with his hot young queen Talisa. A ferocious rain storm has delayed the Stark army's arrival at the Twins and Catelyn, Edmure and the Blackfish are all in agreement, for once, that Walder Frey is a tremendous asshole who will take this tardiness as the latest grievous slight in a series of grievous slights. But then King Robb "What? Me? Worry?" Stark kicks them all out of his tent because Talisa and he are all wet and Mom, get the fuck out! And take your evil eye with you! When Don Draper married Megan on Mad Men, Burt Cooper chastised Don that he was on "love leave" for months. The King of the North is also on love leave. All the Kinging he's really interested in revolves around Talisa's perfect derriere. What kind of a weirdo is Talisa anyway, who immediately starts writing a letter to her mother post-coital? After Robb butchers a couple of words in Valyrian with his barbarian tongue, Talisa drops the bomb that she's with wolf. A young cub or maybe two are in her belly. (This is news to me - I don't remember Jeyne Westerling, Robb's book wife, being pregnant.) Robb is so happy and gets back to doing things with his barbarian tongue. Those two crazy kids. They should forget about this Walder Frey business and go visit Talisa's mom across the Narrow Sea straightaway, if they know what's good for them.
If only Robb knew what his brother from another mother Jon Snow has been up to, and vice versa. They'd be high fiving each other and comparing notes about wildling girls vs. girls from Volantis. Of course, Tormund Gianstbane is more than happy to have pretty gross discussions with Jon about how best to penetrate Ygritte. Complete with pantomimes. Meanwhile, Orell the Warg makes a play for Ygritte and for a second he was doing pretty well, until he blows it by rasping in her face about how pretty Jon Snow is and what he really is. Seeing through the eyes of a bird doesn't teach one how to charm the ladies. Orell also found time to threaten Jon about how he'll never hold onto Ygritte. He's just really eager to break those two up.
The Wildlings have gone over the Wall (I guess the climb down wasn't as treacherous as the climb up) but are far from Castle Black. All this time to march creates opportunities for Ygritte to have some culture shock, like amusingly mistaking a windmill for a castle. North of the Wall, Ygritte is hot shit, but on this side of it, she's just a rube. A rube Jon wouldn't mind seeing in a silk dress. He's got a lot of roleplaying ideas in mind. But foremost on Jon's mind is how this wildling attempt to claim the land south of the Wall is a folly. Jon knows his Westerosi history, which the wildlings were never taught: six times a King Beyond the Wall has attacked Westeros and six times they've failed. The wildlings don't have the discipline or the armies (or the dragons) to win a war. Basically, the wildlings are all going to die. Ygritte reminds Jon that he's also a wildling now. But Jon isn't really, and everyone knows it. They just need Jon Snow for his intel on how to take Castle Black. Ygritte is convinced if they die, she and Jon will die together. Hey, remember when Jon had a wolf? Where is Ghost these days?
In King's Landing, Sansa is very aware now about how stupid she is, and then reaffirms it when it all boils down to her not wanting to marry Tyrion because he's a Dwarf and thinking Loras is some dreamy guy who'll call her, maybe. Margaery tries to make her feel better about marrying Tyrion, who is far from the worst Lannister (and they both know damn well who the worst is), by reminding her how experienced she is. Poor sheltered Sansa doesn't take the hint from Margaery about why she's so knowledgeable about sex. Unlike say, Bronn, who knows a lot about sex himself, and that Tyrion isn't protesting marrying Sansa because she's a child or a foot taller than him, so much as how much it'll piss off Shae. Tyrion thinks he can have it both ways in the way many many men in Westeros and our world do: have the legal trophy wife to have the legitimate children while having a secret mistress and secret family on the side. That should be the answer to all of Tyrion's problems, but it was a hard sell to Shae, who threw that idea back in Tyrion's face. She fails to understand Tyrion's nature, that he's still a Lannister and likes being one, even if everyone hates him.
Remember when everyone hated Jaime Lannister in season one? No one has done as complete an about face to become an unlikely hero of this saga like the Kingslayer. Jaime's stump is more heroic than two thirds of Westeros. The Kingslayer dropped in to say goodbye to Brienne, the only woman in his life who's meant anything to him who isn't his twin sister/mother of his children. Jaime gets to go with a Lord Bolton-appointed escort, which includes ex-maester Qyburn, to King's Landing, while Brienne gets to stay behind a prisoner charged with treason against Robb Stark. Breaking up is hard to do, but Jaime heads on home, until Qyburn clues him in that Lord Bolton is off to Edmure Tully's wedding at The Twins, leaving Locke in charge of Harrenhaal and Brienne. Jaime got his Bolton boys on his side and returned to Harrenhaal to find Brianne in a bear of a situation: stuck in a gladiator pit with a wooden sword against a bear as she fights to the tune of the Westerosi number one hit song "The Bear and the Maiden Fair". I thought the solution would have been for Jaime to kick Locke into the pit, but I guess that would have sparked a riot. Instead, Jaime jumped into the pit and defended Brienne as his Bolton boys fired arrows at the bear. Jaime Lannister - give this man a golden hand. Of applause. It was a harrowing escape but Brienne and Jaime got out of the pit and after a face off, Jaime and Brienne got to leave Harrenhaal together with their Bolton boys, leaving Locke's Bolton boys without anyone to watch a bear rape or rape themselves. You ask me, Kingslayer and Brienne the Beauty are the best couple in Westeros.
For a few pretty fantastic full-frontal minutes, though, Theon was privy to the best couple in Westeros. The best torture ever, for a little while, had two fully nude hot ladies untie Theon and give him the dry humping of his recently horrible life, until, no surprise, Ramsey Bolton revealed it's all just part of the torture. And Ramsey was planning to cut Theon's cock off all along. Oof. So, now we have 8,002 eunuchs on this show. Really cementing that world record.
Meanwhile, in Bran, Osha, Rickon, Hodor and the Reeds' endless camping trip to Castle Black (or not to Castle Black, Osha was surprised to find out), Osha monologues the story of why she ran away from beyond the Wall: her boyfriend Bruni was turned into a White Walker and she was forced to burn him and their house down. Speaking of houses, Melissandre gave Gendry a boating trip through the wreckage of Blackwater Bay and showed him his father's house, the Red Keep. Gendry now knows he's the bastard son of Robert Baratheon and he has king's blood in him. It's a good strategy, make the kid feel good about the blood in him before Melissandre does whatever she's planning to do with that blood.
Arya's done with the Brotherhood without Banners. She started this season with her little family of Hot Pie and Gendry on the run to Riverrun, and now Hot Pie's moved on, Gendry's been sold to Stannis, and Arya's all alone and pouting about it. Now, the Brotherhood is delaying her arrival at Riverrun for two days while they go kill a Lannister hunting party and steal their gold. Arya decides it's as good a time as any to make a run for it, and she runs right into the waiting arms of the Hound hiding in the forest. That kid can't cut a break.
Another kid who's being cut a break but doesn't deserve his breaks is the King. Tywin strides confidently into the Iron Throne room at the behest of King Joffrey, who'd like an update on what the hell's going on, please. Best line of the episode was Joffrey telling Tywin about all the important matters preoccupying a king, which is why he hasn't attended any of the small council meetings. Which, by the way, are all the way at the Tower of the Hand now. A lot of stairs for a King to climb. Tywin could probably kill Joffrey and no one would stop him, but he admirably doesn't, and affirms just who exactly is running this kingdom. What's interesting is Joffrey asked directly about the rumors he's heard about "the Targaryen girl and her dragons". Tywin blows that off but promises the King will be consulted "as necessary".
Speaking of the Targaryen girl with the dragons, Daenerys and her Unsullied arrive at the gates of Yunkai, the golden city. She doesn't need to conquer it, she could lose half her army trying to, but once she heard they're slavers, she set her mind to freeing every last slave in the city. One can't help but be impressed by the show of intimidation she and her dragons put on with Yunkai's representative Lord Razdal mo Eraz. He came with bribes of gold and ships so she can go straight to Westeros and leave them the fuck alone. Daenerys is going to free Yunkai and liberate their slaves. That's her thing now. Frankly, Jorah and Selmy should advise Daenerys to take the gold and the ships and head home, but Daenerys is really into her new nickname "the breaker of chains" now. Plus the Unsullied also seem really into this chain-breaking thing. And she's supposed to have them bloodied. They're all going to get their wish, looks like.
All right, we get it, Ygritte. Jon Snow is a cunning linguist. He doesn't know nothing, Jon Snow. Ygritte has pledged herself to be Jon Snow's woman and promises to cut off his cock if he ever betrayed her. Notice she didn't threaten to harm his tongue. Ygritte also knows Jon Snow's secret, that he's a double double agent and remains loyal to the Night's Watch, even though he's an oathbreaker for laying with a woman. But there's no time for more cunning linguistics. There is a Wall the wildlings must climb.
"The Climb" is a brisk mostly-talkie about the climb of the Wall and about much more. It's a quieter episode where events that began weeks ago have now begun to take their effect and things have gotten decidedly worse for several of the denizens of Westeros. "The Climb" was malevolently explained via ghastly metaphor by Littlefinger to Varys. Littlefinger and Varys were the secret Merv Griffin of the game show "Who Wants to Marry Sansa Stark?" and both tried to have the game rigged to go their way. Littlefinger was considerably more cunning and won the game, simply because he pulled the strings of more players. Varys now knows Littlefinger used one of his male whores to seduce Loras Tyrell for information about the Tyrell plot to marry Sansa to Loras, which Littlefinger fed to Tywin, who successfully counter plotted to have Sansa promised to Tyrion while Cercei is now pledged to Loras. All of this was at the expense of Varys' informant Ros, who was given to Joffrey as crossbow target practice. What an ignominious end to Ros, the best former prostitute in Westeros. Ros will be missed.
Tywin personally negotiated Cercei's betrothal to the Knight of Flowers with Lady Olenna in one of the most ripping scenes of the season. When you have great actors like Charles Dance and Diana Rigg butt heads with this type of material, they can set the screen aflame. The Queen of Thorns really had one futile card to play, that Cercei is too old for Loras and may not be able to produce children. It was also a bit of a debate over each family's disgusting secrets and whether homosexuality is more disgraceful than incest. They could debate that until the ravens come home. The best line was Olenna admitting Loras is "a sword swallower through and through". (Not that anything's wrong with a discreet bit of buggery, according to the Queen of Thorns.) Tywin had all the power here and he threatened to use it: he could assign Loras Tyrell to the Kingsguard so he can never marry and thus Highgarden would be inherited by Joffrey and Margaery's future children. Check and mate.
Though she can't see it this way yet, in a way, sparing Sansa from marrying Loras is a gift to her, judging from their awkward first date. Like any little boy, Loras has long dreamed of his lavish wedding and what kind of dress the ...er, bride. Yes, bride... will wear. That date was painful to witness, even for Tyrion and Cercei. Tyrion seems satisfied with Cercei's non-admittance that it was Joffrey who ordered the Kingsguard to kill him at Blackwater. Which they both agree was typical Joffrey stupidity. Cercei did finally give Tyrion his due for his efforts in saving King's Landing from Stannis. But it fell to Tyrion to tell Sansa - in front of Shae, mind you - that she now has the honor of marrying Tyrion Lannister. Sansa took the news as well as you'd expect. But at least she didn't try to kill herself or anything. We never saw Loras' reaction to the news of his new engagement, but I'll bet he shed as many tears, if not more.
Melissandre arrived in the Riverlands to interrupt Arya's archery lesson, and we learned a lot more about the drunken Thoros of Myr. That he was sent to King's Landing to convert Robert Baratheon to the Lord of Light but decided drinking and whoring were better uses of his time since he didn't much care for the one true god. That changed when Beric Dondarrion was murdered by the Mountain and he asked the Lord of Light to spare him. And five more times, Thoros has been able to bring Beric back, which astounds Melissandre. I mean, she thought a murderous black smoke queef baby with Stannis was a boon from the Lord of Light; what's this about bringing men back to the living? Sadly for Gendry, he's the reason Melissandre has come and a couple of sacks of gold buys Gendry and shatters his dreams of smithing for the Brotherhood. Poor Gendry. It sucks to have Robert Baratheon's blood in you. Melissandre meets Arya for the first (and last) time, and she sees darkness and different colored eyes in Arya. Foreshadowing.
Meanwhile, at Riverrun, two of Walder Frey's deformed inbred sons arrive to negotiate with a contrite, eager to please Robb about what it will take for Ser Walder to overlook Robb's grievous oathbreaking and make nice and give Robb his armies, please? Ser Walder wants a formal apology, ownership of Harrenhaal, and for Edmure Tully to wed one of his daughters. Edmure understandably balks but gets king-pressured into aqcuiescing. "You're paying for my sins, Uncle", Robb tells him. Yeah, what bullshit is that? Robb gets to break his oath and marry hot Talisa but Edmure has to marry a Frey so Robb can get some more soldiers to replace the ones he bungled and lost by being a crappy king and killing his most loyal banner man, because his mother set the Kingslayer free? All because Edmure lost 200 men in a dumb move that didn't kill the Mountain? Robb sucks. He's a hypocrite. Catelyn sucks too.
The Kingslayer, now clean as a whistle and sharp as a thistle, finally has a good meal with Lord Bolton and Brienne, but can't cut the meat with one hand. Bolton agrees to allow Jaime passage to King's Landing as payment for his maiming, but also to assure Tywin that he, Lord Bolton, had nothing to do with that, and don't come to Harrenhaal and seek vengeance, please, thank you. Brienne has to stay since she abetted Catelyn's treason. Jaime however is a step closer to coming home and being reunited with Cercei and won't she be disappointed when she finds out Jaime can no longer swing a sword and force her future husband Loras to come down with a case of sword-in-bowels?
On either side of the Wall are tales of camping. Sam Tarly regales Gilly and Gilly's baby with stories of what to expect when they reach Castle Black. Oh, it's a wonderful place full of hearths of fire, venison stew and onions, and crows singing. Meanwhile, somewhere between Winterfell and the Wall, Meera Reed and Osha just can't get along and have one of those arguments over who skins a rabbit better that still sounds awfully polite because of the British accents. They almost come to blows but little lord Bran commands them to chill out, yo. We're suddenly reminded Rickon exists when Jojen has a seizure in his sleep. The visions sometimes bring them about. Jojen must have had a remarkable vision: It's Christmas time, he's a little younger, Liam Neeson is his dad, and there was this girl who sang and he chased her through an airport to tell her he loved her. No, nothing that awesome, just that he saw Jon Snow on the wrong side of the Wall surrounded by enemies. Everyone is let down. I just want to hear Jojen tell Bran "Let's get the shit kicked out of us by love."
Both those tales of camping are slightly more interesting than this edition of X Marks The Spot of Theon's Weekly Torture. This week, Ramsay Bolton decided to fuck with Theon by lying about who he is and flaying the skin off his pinkie. We don't really need to see Theon tortured every episode, do we? That would reek of overkill.
Finally, back to the Climb, a harrowing sequence as Jon Snow, Ygritte, and the Wildlings attempt to scale the Wall as the Wall "fights back" and tries to kill them. Ygritte and Jon both nearly fall to their doom, not helped by their tether line almost being cut, but Jon heroically does right by his woman and saves them both. They both succeed in arduously scaling the mighty Wall and reach the top, fulfilling Ygritte's wish to see the world from the top of the Wall. And there's no better place for two young lovers to make out. That Jon Snow. He's got a great girl, he's climbed the Wall, he's on top of the world.
Forget the "Game of Thrones" (Joffrey's the winner), the hottest game show in King's Landing is "Who Wants to Marry Sansa Stark?" (Except Joffrey wouldn't watch that show.) Sansa is the most eligible recently-flowered-and-discussed-it-at-length-with-Cercei young lady in all of Westeros. She's the key to the North. She has no less than three suitors plotting to wed her, and she doesn't even know most of this. Sansa is fairly happy these days; it's been weeks since she's even seen Joffrey, much less taken a punch to the gut from one of the King's Guard. She's hanging out exclusively with Tyrells now, and she's excited at Margaery's confident promises that she'll marry her to Loras Tyrell just as soon as she's sealed the deal with Joffrey. The Knight of Flowers himself seems okay with this match; it won't interfere with him bedding his naked squires. One of whom was secretly whoring for Littlefinger, who now knows of the Tyrell plot to gain control of Sansa and the North, and is planning accordingly.
Meanwhile, the Lannisters are also well-aware of the Tyrells plotting for Sansa and Tywin has his own counter-plot to make sure none of this happens. Tyrion was so proud of himself for enduring Olenna Tyrell's razor-tongued barbs and getting her to pay for half the Royal Wedding. He had no idea that Tywin had wedding plans of his own for Tyrion. And Cercei. Tywin commanded Tyrion to be the one to marry Sansa Stark, put a Lannister child in her womb, and secure the North. "It's more than you deserve," Cercei taunted. Well, fucking A, it's a pretty good reward for Tyrion's efforts in saving King's Landing. Tyrion objected on the grounds of Sansa's happiness, as if Tywin gives a flying fuck about that. Honestly, this is a huge score for Tyrion. Sansa is a great prize. It's a hell of a lot better deal than what Tywin commanded for Cercei: She gets to marry Loras Tyrell, and thus secure the Reach, giving the Lannisters control of most of Westeros. That was amazing. Cercei is fucked, except not by Loras.
Speaking of fucked, Jon Snow broke his vows as a Man of the Night's Watch and had the first and therefore best sex of his life with Ygritte. Ygritte had to even reevaluate her catchphrase "You know nothing, Jon Snow" when he went down below. If you have to be an Oathbreaker, this is the way to do it, I guess. There aren't a lot of things in Westeros that are better than in our world, but the nickname for redheads is one of them. In Westeros, redheads are "kissed by fire". Here, they're "gingers". Things are going pretty well for Jon Snow since he went Wildling.
Now, there seems to be underground grottos and hot tubs underneath Westeros. It's almost like Westeros is the Playboy Mansion. Jaime Lannister and Brienne also got in some quality steamy hot tub time. Locke and his men finally delivered Brienne and the Kingslayer to Harrenhaal where Roose Bolton saw to it Jaime got some medical attention to his rotting, gangrene arm. In the hot tub, poor, long-suffering Jaime gave Brienne his personal history lesson on how he got (unfairly in his mind) the Kingslayer nickname he'll be stuck with forever. He told her about the Mad King's love of burning people with Wildfire, his father Tywin sacking King's Landing, being ordered to kill his own father, and how and why Jaime made the choice to slay the Mad King, plus Ned Stark witnessing and condemning him for it. Jaime will always hate Ned Stark and he can't stop shitting on Renly, even when apologizing to Brienne. Jaime is far and away one of the most interesting, psychologically complex people in Westeros, but hardly anyone ever gets beyond seeing him as the Kingslayer. It really gets his goat. But I was happiest to see Jaime finally getting to bathe. He's been caked in filth since season one.
The trial by combat between the Hound and Beric Dondarrion didn't go so well for Beric or the Brotherhood Without Banners. The Hound was judged to be innocent for killing that butcher's boy back in season one when he bested and killed Beric in a cool-looking flaming sword battle under the laws of the Lord of Light. The Brotherhood had no choice but to set the Hound free, which didn't sit well with Arya. Meanwhile, Beric didn't take dying lying down, and we learn Thoros of Myr has used Lord of Light magic to resurrect Thoros six times, two of those deaths were at the hands of Cleganes. You know, if Beric has died six times, doesn't that mean he's a terrible knight? Beric does have an excuse, I suppose, that each time he's brought back, he's a little lesser for it. So as it stands, the Brotherhood are going to ransom Arya to Riverrun so she can be reunited with her family. Gendry has decided to stay and smith for the Brotherhood. Arya telling Gendry, "I can be your family" was heartwarming, but then Gendry responding "You're my lady" kind of made it weird.
You know who's a really nice kid? Stannis Baratheon's daughter Shireen. Plagued by a horrible skin disease that turns flesh into stone, she's isolated in a tower in Dragonstone, but she's upbeat and singsong-y. She really likes the Onion Knight and even sneaked down to the dungeons when she heard her father imprisoned him as a traitor. Which doesn't bother her at all. She even decided to teach Davos how to read. It was sweet. How does a nice kid like that come from the loins of weirdos like Stannis and Selyse? Selyse is another grim piece of work, a Lord of Light zealot who was totally gung ho for Stannis and Melissandre having sex to create a son, even if it was a freaky black smoke demon son who murdered Renly and was never seen again. All of Selyse's stillborn sons she keeps in jars to stare at and talk to. Grim, man. Is that worse than the Governor in The Walking Dead with all the zombie heads in fish tanks? I'm gonna say it's all gross.
The Karstarks have had enough and they're not going to take it anymore. The Greatjon Rickard Karstark, long disgruntled at how the Starks have been waging (see: losing) the war, took it upon himself to murder those two Lannister boys they had prisoner as vengeance for Catelyn releasing the Kingslayer, who killed his son. The Greatjon has had it up to here with Robb, "the King Who Lost The North" (heh), and despite Catelyn, the Tullys, and even Talisa trying to talk him out of it, Robb cannot forgive the Greatjon coming up with that nickname. Or betraying him. Robb executed the Greatjon and as a result, the Karstarks abandoned the Starks, taking half the Northern Army home. (You know, if they ever got in a room together to hash things out, Joffrey would actually like to hear the story of how Robb personally beheaded Rickard Karstark. Joffrey loves that shit. And then he'd probably mention how he ordered Ned beheaded and then they'd draw swords, so it's best for Joffrey that he and Robb never meet in private.) So what's Robb going to do to now that he's lost half his army and things look bleak? That's when Robb came up with a doozy of an idea: he's going to take Casterly Rock. And to do it, he'll ask Walder Frey, the guy who he broke his oath to about marrying one of his daughters, for his army. Freeze frame Robb's shit-eating grin because it'll be funny later when all this turns out how it's gonna turn out.
Game of Thrones this week considered the issue of what makes a ruler fit to rule. Robb showed some serious weaknesses of judgment a folly of his youth and inexperience. Tywin showed his domineering mastery of strategy; frankly his plan to sell of his kids to own the whole realm was pretty brilliant. Over in Essos, Jorah Mormont and Barristan Selmy also debated for themselves whether Daenerys is best suited for ruling Westeros. But if you asked the Unsullied whether Daenerys Targaryen should be Queen, you'll get a unanimous stamping of their spears into the ground, i.e. yes. Daenerys assembled the Unsullied's captains and told them they were now to choose their own names. The leader of the Unsullied, Grey Worm, told her he'd keep his name because it was the lucky name he had when Daenerys Stormborn set him free. She was touched. We were all touched. (No negro ever said that to Lincoln.) Gods, the Unsullied love Daenerys. By the way, it has to be pretty clear at this point that Game of Thrones has now set the record for the most eunuchs ever on television. 8,000 Unsullied plus Varys. I don't think any other show will ever touch that record, but hey, let's see someone try!
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