Monday, December 15, 2014

Exodus: Gods and Kings




About midway through Exodus: Gods and Kings, Joshua (Aaron Paul) starts seeing the damnedest things: Moses (Christian Bale), a former general of Egypt and now the leader of the Hebrew slave insurgency, would regularly wander off alone and start arguing with nothing. Joshua watches, mouth agape, trying to comprehend why Moses is talking to himself, sometimes even screaming at a rock or at thin air. If only Joshua could see what we, the audience, can. Moses isn't crazy; he's arguing with God (manifested as a young boy played with intense charisma by Isaac Andrews). And boy, can God and Moses bicker. After their first couple of arguments, God was probably asking himself why he gave Man free will to begin with. Especially this man.

God is a tough taskmaster not above mocking Moses for his failure to liberate the Jewish people from their oppressive Egyptian master. However, Moses isn't going to take the Almighty's shit, either. Moses openly defies his creator (whom he grew up believing wasn't his creator, thinking himself Egyptian until nine years and one exile ago). Moses constantly questions God, and even threatens to quit his holy mission more than once. "400 years of doing nothing," Moses chides, and now God wants Moses to lead the Hebrews against Egypt all of a sudden. God doesn't have a good answer for why He sat on his Heavenly cloud for 400 years and what the urgency is for the Hebrews to break the shackles of the Egyptian Pharaoh. After watching Moses' "insurgency" fail, God tells Moses to stand down and "just watch." If God wants to mess with a Pharaoh right, God's got to do it Himself.

When God enters the fray, He makes damn sure to make life a living hell for Ramses (Joel Edgerton). Soon, all of Egypt trembles before Superstorm Yahweh. What God wants, He explains to Moses during one of their shouting matches, is for self-styled god-kings who worship cat gods and sun gods like Ramses to be humble before Him. To achieve the adequate amount of humility He desires, which takes an awful long time, God does what Homer Simpson would do and consults the Bible (it's the prankster's Bible). First, alligators just up and start eating Egyptians in the Nile. Then all the fish die when the water of the Nile becomes blood. Then God starts in with an invasion of frogs like what happened at the end of Magnolia. Then the flies and the locusts swarm in. When Ramses, ever defiant, declares he'll kill every first born Hebrew son like the Penguin planned in Batman Returns, God decides to beat him to the punch and kills every first born Egyptian, including Ramses' beloved son. Just for shits and giggles, God brings down a hailstorm, too. God doesn't relent, even when Moses points out all of this plague He is raining down upon Egypt is making the miserable lives of the Hebrews even more miserable as much as it's inconveniencing the Egyptians.

This type of Old Testament crazy is way more than Moses, with his Robin Hood-like plan of teaching the Hebrews archery and guerrilla warfare tactics, could manage on his own. Though Moses doubts God's tactics throughout and doesn't express his gratitude until the end, when he willingly takes hammer to stone and carves out Ten Commandments for an approving God, Moses was very fortunate to have God on his side. This is especially evident when Moses leads 400,000 Hebrew slaves out of Egypt and into the desert. Ramses let them all go peacefully before giving it a couple of days to mull it over and deciding he really wanted to kill them all anyway. God parts the Red Sea for the scurrying Jews and then digs into His own classic bag of tricks and brings down a massive tidal wave Noah-style onto the pursuing Egyptian army, drowning everyone except for Moses and Ramses. Why didn't God just drown Ramses too? Because what He really wanted, apparently, was the satisfaction of hearing Ramses, washed up on shore and finally seeing the futility of his actions, admit he ain't nothin' compared to God. This was all about putting Ramses in his place. (And not in the way condoms will be named after him in a few thousand years.)

Exodus: Gods and Kings is pure Bibical action spectacle by Sir Ridley Scott, the Old Testament by way of Gladiator. Touchingly dedicated to his late brother Tony Scott, Exodus is at its core about a terrible dispute between two men who grew up as close as brothers but were torn apart for political and ideological reasons. He couldn't count on Ramses, but in the end Moses learns what a friend he has in God. Bale is in top form as the noble but conflicted Moses, shouldering the burden of falling from grace as Egypt's greatest general upon learning his true heredity as a Hebrew destined by God to lead his people from the shackles of slavery. Edgerton is quite excellent as the preening and unyielding Ramses, who grew up knowing his late father the Pharaoh Seti (John Turturro!!) favored his adopted brother more than himself, and that Moses was always the better man. When Moses is banished upon Ramses' discovering Moses is actually born a Hebrew (at the urging of his mother Sigourney Weaver, largely wasted in a nothing part), he wanders the desert for years before taking a comely wife (Maria Valverde), having a family, and settling into a humble life as a shepherd. That is until a bush starts burning and God comes calling. When the elderly Moses, at last having fulfilled all of God's wishes, gets a nod of approval from the Almighty as he carries forth the Ten Commandments in the Ark of the Covenant, we nod in approval as well. Because we all know in a few thousand years, Indiana Jones will pick up where Moses left off and he will choose... wisely.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Live Tweeting the 2014 WWE Slammy Awards


The pomp and splendor of WWE's annual awards ceremony, the Slammy Awards, never fails to entertain and/or confound. Hangin' and bangin' for almost four hours combined with the RAW Pre-Show on WWE Network and Monday Night RAW live on the USA Network, here's my live tweet of last night's pageantry:

Thursday, December 4, 2014

What Up With Skynet?


Commence Skynet/Terminator rant: 

Skynet is a really weird computer when you think about it. It wants to destroy all humans. Cool. Nuclear missile launch seems like a logical means to do that. Building human-skinned cyborgs to fight what's left of the humans fighting back? Okay. A bit of an odd tactic, but you can buy it. Then Skynet makes a rather remarkable leap to time travel as its next tactic. I mean, it built a time machine pretty fast. You don't just build a time machine, but Skynet did just that. And then it decides to send one Terminator to kill one woman, instead of oh, every Terminator back to 1904 or something, when people really would be unprepared for genocide by robots. Of course, the dangers of time travel is going back in time too far and wiping out the potential of your own existence. Anyway, when the Kill Sarah Connor plan fails, Skynet decides to do it again - it sends a different Terminator to kill a different Connor in the past; a plan that also fails. What's the definition of insanity again?

Still, I'd love to hear a hard-hitting sit down interview with Skynet. Ask it the hard questions. What is your deal? Why do all of that? Why stay on Earth? You can build a time machine, so why not build spaceships and take your show to Mars or the Moon or wherever? You don't need oxygen or soil or even sunlight. Why go through the ridiculous trouble of time machines and time paradoxes? And why keep doing it over and over and over?

Man, Skynet is crazy. OR, it's stuck in a loop.

Nonetheless, fingers crossed for Terminator: Genisys:

Sunday, November 23, 2014

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1



"I wish they died. I wish we all died."

Those cheery words from Finnick O'Dair (Sam Claflin) open The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1, director Francis Lawrence's grand, grim, emotionally wrenching penultimate chapter in what is now The Hunger Games cinematic quadilogy. Newly rescued from the clutches of the evil Capitol at the conclusion of the previous film, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, our heroine Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) finds herself even more traumatized than before, now a pawn in the war for the liberation of Panem waged between the malevolent President Snow (Donald Sutherland) and the leader of the rebellious District 13, President Coin (Julianne Moore). The liberation of Panem, as masterminded by Plutarch Heavensbee (the late Phillip Seymour Hoffman), needs a symbol to incite the remaining Districts to rebel and to rally behind. Katniss Everdeen is that symbol, the Mockingjay, whether she wants to be or not, whether she is psychologically or emotionally fit to be or not. But as long as Katniss has Jennifer Lawrence's movie star face, the Mockingjay can only be her.

"This isn't the girl you promised me," is Coin's assessment after meeting the Girl on Fire, and indeed, Katniss Everdeen is a burnt-out ember that needs continual fanning to spark the flames of anger and defiance simmering within her. Her PTSD from surviving the first Hunger Games has only worsened since surviving her second, where she bartered her own death for the survival of her co-victor and showmance "lover" Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson). Instead, Plutarch saved her because she's more valuable to their cause; Peeta meanwhile was recaptured by the Capitol, tortured, and is being used as a mouthpiece of subvert the burgeoning rebellion. Though her family, including her mother (Paula Malcolmson) and her beloved sister Prim (Willow Shields) are safe in the bowels of the underground fortress of District 13, as is her lifelong friend and now soldier for the cause Gale Hawthorne (Liam Hemsworth), Katniss' sole concern in Mockingjay, Part 1 is the safety and rescue of Peeta, to the chagrin of Gale and, well, everyone in District 13. Though a capable survivor and "not a half bad shot" with a bow and arrow, as her newly-sober former mentor Haymitch Abernathy (Woody Harrelson) jests, Katniss' real value is to be the face of the Rebellion. There's no better face in all of Panem, but the girl behind that face, while sometimes on fire, is mostly a mess.

Against the superior technological and military might of the Capitol, District 13's strategy to win the war is pure Hollywood all the way: make a bunch of movies starring Katniss! Though they have aircraft, missiles and formidable firepower stored in their cavernous hidey-hole, what District 13 really boasts are cinematic production values. The importance of fashion in winning a war also becomes a major issue, according to the miserably dowdy Effie Trinkett (Elizabeth Banks), who replaces the courageous and now-dead Cinna (Lenny Kravitz) as Katniss' personal stylist.  Mockingjay, Part 1's few amusing moments are meta; Katniss is a terrible actress and essentially unlikeable when made to perform. She only comes alive when placed in actual danger. (Lawrence playing Katniss giving wooden, cringe-worthy line readings is golden.) As Panem's marquee movie star, Katniss is shuttled off to the war zones of Panem with a camera crew and director (Natalie Dormer, underutilized) in tow to film her very honest and emotional reactions to hospitals being bombed and thousands of innocents massacred. Katniss turns out to be an effective and powerful Mockingjay, indeed. Watching Katniss shoot down a Capitol fighter jet with a explosive arrow would make Arrow on The CW green with envy. "And if she dies?" worries Coin about putting her Mockingjay in mortal peril. "Get it on camera," retorts Katniss. The symbol endures whether or not the Mockingjay lives.

The war itself becomes a series of "moves and counter moves," as summarized on-the-nose by Snow. It basically works like this: the Capitol bombed a District! Roll a movie! The Capitol massacred thousands of innocent people! Roll another movie! When Dormer films Katniss touchingly singing a song called "The Hanging Tree," suddenly District 13 has a musical way better than Carrie Underwood in The Sound of Music - Live! on its hands. "Katniss Everdeen's The Hanging Tree" successfully riles up the people of the other Districts to attack the Capitol's white-clad storm troopers and blow up a hydro-electric dam supplying power to the Capitol. Of course, bombs and guns aren't the only weapons in Snow's arsenal. Though he does order the bombing of District 13, which they survive without a soul lost, Snow saves his best weapon of all for his favorite game: mind fucking Katniss. Routinely, Snow puts Peeta on television to urge for a cease fire, each time looking more and more weathered and disheveled as a result of mind control and torture. For shits and giggles, Snow finds ways to leave white roses around, be it in Katniss' former mansion when she visits or dropping them by the thousands on District 13, just to remind her who the real thorn in her side is, as if she could ever forget. The white roses also remind the audience that the crux of The Hunger Games saga is the emotional trampling of a teenage girl by a sinister old man. 

Adapting the final book of The Hunger Games into two films (perhaps unnecessarily), Mockingjay, Part 1 exchanges urgency for a stately pace, building suspense intensely though extended interludes between the characters. The quality of Mockingjay, Part 1 is built on the innumerable qualities of its exceptionally gifted Academy Award-winning star Jennifer Lawrence. Commanding every frame, Lawrence delivers above and beyond as Katniss is pushed continually past the limits of what a teenage girl should be forced to endure, even in a broken world such as hers. Every fiery, fleetingly joyful, or hopelessly harrowing emotion Lawrence feels is palpably projected on screen, and she continues to be surrounded by world class actors like Hoffman, Moore, Sutherland, and Jeffrey Wright as techno-whiz Beetee to bring out her best. When Snow, grinning like a Cheshire cat, finally comes face to face with Katniss, Mockingjay, Part 1 showcases the best scenes between a hero vs. villain communicating only through television screens since Kirk and Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

The inevitable cliffhanger of Mockingjay, Part 1 is a powerhouse, as Gale successfully rescues Johanna Mason (Jenna Malone with a shaved head) and Peeta from the Capitol, only to find Peeta twisted by Snow's mind control into Katniss' assassin. Only a few minutes of Peeta in the movie, with him gradually becoming a raving monster, makes Mockingjay, Part 1 the best Hunger Games movie for Peeta detractors (such as yours truly). Mockingjay, Part 1 could have ended with a literal bang and faded to black when a bedpan bonks Peeta's head and saves Katniss from being choked to death. That would served as a smashing "I am Iron Man!"-like jolt of an ending. Director Lawrence chose instead to dole out some exposition where Coin consolidates her power over the rebellion, leaving us with the compelling image of Peeta struggling against his restraints in the grip of madness as Katniss' stunning face is superimposed over him. It's hard to argue against the final sight of an insane, murderous Peeta mocking the Mockingjay. Why so serious, Katniss? See you next year for Mockingjay, Part 2.

Thursday, November 20, 2014




Dan Gilroy's sensational Nightcrawler is a mesmerizing plunge into the seediness of Los Angeles at night that exceeds Michael Mann's Collateral and Nicolas Winding Refn's Drive as lurid, violent joyrides. We ride along with "Nightcrawlers," professional freelance videographers who make their living recording crime, accidents, tragedies to sell to local television news stations greedy for sordid content to boost their ratings. This world and the opportunities it presents lights up the perpetual saucer eyes of Jake Gyllenhaal, a petty thief and loquacious sociopath searching for a leg up in life. In stalking the unfortunate of Los Angeles, camcorder in hand, Gyllenhaal has found his true calling. 

Completing his trifecta of films where he seems desperate for 15 minutes of shut eye (Prisoners, Enemy), the emaciated and greasy-looking Gyllenhaal goes all out in Nightcrawler. It's an engrossing performance by Gyllenhaal of a man who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. And what Gyllenhaal wants is to be the best at what he does, along with everything that ought to come with it. This includes money, recognition, and it especially includes Rene Russo, the producer of the vampire shift of the local TV news station who gives Gyllenhall his first break professionally but comes to rue getting in bed with this guy (literally). Russo's marching orders to Gyllenhaal is to bring back footage where urban crime creeps into wealthy suburban neighborhoods. Gyllenhaal is beyond up to the task.

When Gyllenhaal trespasses into the wealthy home of three victims murdered by Hispanic men, he chooses to withhold his footage from the police in order to manipulate events to get even better, more dramatic footage of the police arresting the murderers. Despite everything going horribly sideways, Gyllenhaal remains un-phased at the consequences of his actions. In a standard Hollywood film, Gyllenhaal would undergo a change of heart and seek redemption. To Gilroy's credit, the uncompromising Nightcrawler pushes Gyllenhaal even further into the realm of sociopathy so that he never gets his comeuppance. 

All of this ends tragically for Gyllenhaal's hapless employee, Riz Ahmed, who pays dearly for daring to rebel against his bosses' wishes after being "promoted" to "Vice President" of Gyllenhaal's company Video Production News. The relationship between Gyllenhaal and Ahmed, the two of them blazing through the streets of LA in Gyllenhaal's red muscle car, is in some ways the heart of Nightcrawler; a twisted take on Batman and Robin where Robin sadly gets what's coming to him.  Everyone in Nightcrawler is a victim for Gyllenhaal to exploit. And yet, as Gyllenhaal rises in his chosen profession to take his place as the top Nightcrawler in LA, what an inspiring tale of entrepreneurship Nightcrawler is. If there's a lesson to be learned from Nightcrawler, it's that you can be anything you wanna be!

Thursday, November 13, 2014




"People used to look up and wonder about our place in the stars. Now we look down and worry about our place in the dirt." This is the blunt and bitter mission statement of Christopher Nolan's magnum opus Interstellar, a grand, ambitious, and hopeful exploration of human drama poised against Mankind's quest to reach unknown regions of deep space in a desperate attempt to save itself from extinction. Positing a terrible future decades from now where war and armies are unnecessary in the wake of a global famine, the human race has become "caretakers" rather than "explorers," as bitterly and bluntly stated by our hero Matthew McConaughey. A worldwide "Blight" routinely kills all the crops of America's heartland with devastating dust storms. Food production is at a standstill. Humanity is poised to die out within a generation. What's a good ole boy who's tryin' to raise a family to do? There's only one answer for McConaughey: save the world.

In Interstellar, Matthew McConaughey plays Matthew McConaughey, a former hotshot pilot and "highly educated" engineer (somehow more believable here than Mark Wahlberg was as an "inventor" in Transformers: Age of Extinction) who stumbles upon strange phenomena in his Midwestern corn farm. A military drone flying overhead that should have been decommissioned. Weird gravity moving objects in the bedroom of his sweet young daughter, the apple of his eye, played MacKenzie Foy. This all leads McConaughey and Foy in the dead of night to a secret location where they stumble upon the secret remnants of NASA, run in secret by the father-daughter scientist team of Michael Caine and Anne Hathaway. They have a plan to save the world, with a name they must have lifted with a wink from their previous encounters with Ra's al-Ghul in The Dark Knight Trilogy: Project Lazarus -- a manned space mission through a mysterious worm hole in space that appeared next to Saturn, taking them to another galaxy to find a new planet capable of sustaining human life. Plan A: get everyone on Earth to the new planet. Plan B: a population bomb, growing new people on the new planet at the cost of everyone on Earth left to die. Everyone agrees: McConaughey has the right stuff. He is gung ho about going; his daughter pleads with him to stay. Their conflict and heartache will span decades across time and space.

With giddy glee, Interstellar unleashes a payload of quantum physics at the audience. Depicting the grim and gritty realities of outer space travel in the Stanley Kubrick 2001/Ridley Scott Alien tradition, Nolan delights in dazzling us with the physics behind a worm hole (totally different from what Star Trek: Deep Space Nine used to depict), the perils of relativity when traveling in space near a black hole (an hour on one watery planet equals a year on Earth -- a catastrophic tidal wave that astronauts McConaughey and Hathaway survive costs the life of Wes Bentley and 23 years of missed time on Earth), and later, an insane jaunt into a black hole and an exploration into the 5th dimension. Interstellar raises intriguing questions: what if there are no "ghosts" or "supernatural" phenomena but instead all of the unexplainable occurrences throughout time are after effects of the actions of Mankind after it has highly evolved into other dimensions, rendering time meaningless? Meanwhile on Earth, Foy has grown up (to the same age her father was when he abandoned her); now played by Jessica Chastain, she struggles to unravel the scientific equation left behind by the dying Caine, discovering the dark secret behind the Lazarus Mission that dooms the human race on Earth (there is no Plan A. It is all a lie). At the very least, Interstellar makes one want to learn Morse code. It could save the whole world.

All the heady science aside, Interstellar is a movie first and foremost and plays to all the tropes of a blockbuster Hollywood film. In another galaxy, McConaughey and Hathaway find an ice planet and a water planet, convenient landscapes available in Iceland where Interstellar was shot. McConaughey space cowboys his way across the galaxy, performing desperate stunts flying his space ship, refusing the very idea that he won't be able to return to Earth to see his daughter again. Hathaway risks the entire mission because she's in love with a missing scientist from the previous Lazarus mission. And no matter how many trillions of miles across galaxies they can travel, put two dudes on an ice world and somehow they'll get into a fist fight. Matt Damon surprises us with a cameo appearance as a scientist-gone-mad who embarked on a prior Lazarus mission on a frozen world, and it's a bravura performance. Damon plays completely against expectation as a sniveling, manipulative, murderous coward.  It's safe to say you've never hated Matt Damon in a movie as much as you do in Interstellar. The feel good ending begs the question of whether it's true that an old woman on her deathbed's fondest wish is to see her sexy young daddy -- all handsome, tanned, tight jeans, just fell out of a black hole -- swagger into the room to kiss her goodbye.

Interstellar is refreshingly anti-Star Wars in that it is the opposite of phallocentric. The central father-son conflict of Star Wars is eschewed in favor of exploring the relationship between fathers and daughters: McConaughey's sweet relationship with Foy/Chastain and to a lesser extent the relationship between Caine and Hathaway. McConaughey has two kids, a boy and girl, and he ain't too concerned about his son, who grows up to be Casey Affleck and is happy to be a farmer as raised by their grandfather John Lithgow. Heartbreaking scenes of McConaughey watching video messages from his aged son aside, McConaughey really cares most about his daughter, who angrily refuses to acknowledge him for decades until their touching climatic reunion when she's an old lady played by Ellen Burstyn. Interstellar's emotional crux is touchingly all about a father's love for his baby girl, as McConaughey breaches time and space to become the very "ghost" that sets about this entire outer space enterprise and enabling her with the means to solve Caine's math equation and save humanity. A stunning, breathtaking behemoth of a motion picture with big brains and a beating heart, Interstellar reaffirms the human spirit with the idea that the best reason to boldly go where no one has gone before is to do it for your family so that you can come back home and be with them. And then go back into space and find Anne Hathaway, 'cause she's all alone out there and she needs some McConaughey lovin'.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Dracula Untold



Vlad To Meet You

I'm Vlad I saw Dracula Untold. Well, I'm not Vlad. Luke Evans is Vlad, the 15th century Transylvanian prince the world would come to know as Dracula. As the most celebrated of all vampires, Evans has mighty big fangs to fill - luminaries like Bela Lugosi, Frank Langella, and Gary Oldman have all sucked the blood of the living as Dracula, but none of them have natural incisor fangs in his teeth like Evans (it's true, he was born with fangs). Evans' Dracula differs from his predecessors in that we know him in his early days of vampirism. Dracula Untold is Dracula Begins, who he is and how he came to be the prince of darkness. With a name like "Dracula" (translated depending on whom you ask as "Son of the Dragon" and "Son of the Devil") Vlad is inescapably destined to be a monster, in spite of his best efforts. Dracula Untold chronicles Vlad's best efforts.

Borrowing from the intriguing medieval politics of Game of Thrones, Dracula Untold tells us that 10 year old Vlad Dracula was given over as a hostage to the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, along with one thousand Transylvanian boys to fill up the Turkish army's ranks. Vlad grew into a hell of a warrior, becoming feared by both Europe and the Turkish army for his blood lust in battle and his penchant for impaling hundreds of his victims and leaving their corpses to rot in the sun. This earned him the super cool title "Lord Impaler." (If I ever start a band, I'm calling it Lord Impaler.) Though to hear Vlad tell it, tales of his sadism were greatly exaggerated; for every village he impaled on stakes, he actually spared a dozen. Whatever. Eventually, Vlad was allowed to return to Transylvania and begin ruling his people properly as their prince, all the while serving as a vassal to the Turks. Vlad took a hot wife (Sarah Gadon), sired a son, and kept the peace for ten years.

Even in peace time, the Prince of Transylvania has 99 problems and a vampire is one. Atop one of Transylvania's forbidding mountain peaks, there is a creature that men fear which comes in the night and kills people, Turkish scouts and Transylvanian soldiers alike. Next thing Vlad knows, history repeats itself and the new Sultan (Dominic Cooper) demands another thousand boys for his army and Vlad's son as a hostage. Or else, he declares war on the poor, raggedy people of Transylvania. Out of love for his family and his country, Vlad makes two very bad decisions: 1) he refuses to hand over his son, thus declaring war on the Turks. 2) Lacking an army to wage war, he decides to seek the aid of the monster in the mountains that slaughtered his friends and nearly killed him when they first met.

The monster is, naturally, a vampire, played by Charles Dance, also borrowed from Game of Thrones. According to Dracula Untold's rules of vampirism, once Vlad drinks his blood, he becomes Tywin Vampire's replacement, "freeing" Tywin from this eternal torment and allowing him to start his plan of revenge on the demon that sired him (already, Tywin is thinking sequel). As a vampire, Dracula has super strength, super speed, can become a giant flock of bats, and even control the clouds of night. Plus he has an out; if he can go without drinking blood for three days, he reverts back to being human. Easier said than done. And yet, Vlad optimistically plans to win a war against a hundred thousand Turks all by himself in three days. 

Day one of the war goes pretty well; newly superpowered Vlad wipes out a thousand Turk soldiers all by his lonesome, slamming into them in swarm of bats-mode and then taking them out in fang to neck combat. Unfortunately, that leaves 99,000 Turk soldiers to deal with. Meanwhile, his own people, including his hot wife, notice strange things about their prince who disappeared and suddenly reappeared, like how he was able to wipe out a thousand enemy soldiers singlehandedly ("Never ask what happened here today," Vlad warns his peeps) and how he convulses with pain whenever anyone around him has a paper cut. Plus his silver wedding ring makes his flesh burn, he avoids sunlight, and he has glowing red eyes. The monks they hide with in a mountaintop monastery figure it out right away and decide to burn their prince in a religious frenzy. Dracula scolds them for being a bunch of ingrates. But instead of killing them all in a rage for betraying him, he continues to try to win the war against the Turks. Mainly he wants to save his son and his hot wife, though he tried to eat her one night because she's so hot (blooded).

By day three of the war, things go very badly indeed for Vlad. While he conducts legions of bats like a symphony, using the bats as battering rams against the Turkish legions, the sly Turks trick their way into the monastery, kidnap his son, and chuck his hot wife off a cliff. This lends to a rather lovely visual of Dracula in half bat-swarm, half human mode, arms outstretched, reaching to save his plummeting wife. All to no avail, as Spider-Man could tell Vlad. Finally, Dracula makes another poor decision and turns a bunch of his Transylvanian people into vampires to go settle the Sultan's hash once and for all. The Sultan was ready for Vlad and faced him in a mano e undead mano fight in a tent full of silver coins. Fiendishly clever of the Sultan, and it nearly worked, but he fatally underestimated Dracula when he was down for the count. After saving his son and making him prince of Transylvania, Dracula has another problem of his own doing on his hands: a bunch of vampires he sired looking to go rogue. In the last of his noble acts, Vlad lets the sun shine in on all of them, including himself, thus ridding the world of all vampires once and for all. Except the great, great, great, great, great + a few more greats grandfather of Renfield saves Dracula from his attempted suicide and restores him to full vampirinity.

Simultaneously grand visually yet thin-blooded, Dracula Untold ends up telling us Dracula was a really a noble guy but a bad prince who made a lot of bad decisions. As Dracula, Evans is a speak softly and impale you with a big stake kind of vampire; a loving family man constantly trying to do the right thing because his heart was in the right place, even after it stopped beating. Evans bemoans becoming a monster but his Dracula is Mr. Nice Guy every time it counts. Dracula Untold skips right over how Vlad regains control of Castle Dracula and the centuries he spent terrorizing Transylvania, siring hot, lusty vampire wives and all that. Instead, Dracula Untold launches into an epilogue in 21st century England, where a dashing Vlad encounters the spitting image of his hot wife, and her name is Mina, wouldn't you know it. Meanwhile, Tywin Vampire is still lurking about. He has his own plans for Vlad Dracula. Those plans, as yet, remain untold.