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Monday, February 27, 2012

Live Tweeting The 84th Annual Academy Awards

Normally, I don't enjoy watching the Oscars, so last night was a normal night. Here, collected, is both my greatest achievement on Twitter and the strongest argument yet for Unfollowing me, my complete multi-hour long live Tweeting of Hollywood's most glamorous night:

If I were attending the , I'd hate to be seated behind War Horse. 

"War Horse, who are you wearing?"  

 Jesus, John... that's not War Horse, that's two-time best actress Hilary Swank!

I thought it was Sarah Jessica Parker. 

 For the love of God, John -- That's not SJP, it's Joe Camel! Someone get this guy a program.

Damn it! I can't tell any of the War Horses apart. 

Tonight's  live tweeting is fueled by Ardbeg Islay Scotch Whisky. I could not deal with this shit otherwise.

I mock the  out of love. Love of mocking the Oscars.

Rooney Mara, you are a beautiful girl.  is out of theaters. You can choose to start looking normal any time now.

Jessica Chastain dressed as Poison Ivy. When she blows her pheromone kiss, Batman recommends everyone hold their breath.

Natalie Portman's new mommy boobs are  worthy.

At what point tonight will George Clooney and Brad Pitt tell to "Get the tables!"?  (Note: this was by far my most popular Tweet Oscar night. I know my audience.)

Billy Crystal is the kind of guy who watches softcore porn.