Normally, I don't enjoy watching the Oscars, so last night was a normal night. Here, collected, is both my greatest achievement on Twitter and the strongest argument yet for Unfollowing me, my complete multi-hour long live Tweeting of Hollywood's most glamorous night:
If I were attending the
"War Horse, who are you wearing?"
I thought it was Sarah Jessica Parker.
Damn it! I can't tell any of the War Horses apart.
#Oscars live tweeting is fueled by Ardbeg Islay Scotch Whisky. I could not deal with this shit otherwise.
I mock the
#Oscars out of love. Love of mocking the Oscars. #IdliketothanktheAcademy
Rooney Mara, you are a beautiful girl.
@DragonTattoo is out of theaters. You can choose to start looking normal any time now. #Oscars
Jessica Chastain dressed as Poison Ivy. When she blows her pheromone kiss, Batman recommends everyone hold their breath.
Natalie Portman's new mommy boobs are
At what point tonight will George Clooney and Brad Pitt tell
@StacyKeibler to "Get the tables!"? #Oscars (Note: this was by far my most popular Tweet Oscar night. I know my audience.)
Billy Crystal is the kind of guy who watches softcore porn.