The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

** SPOILERS **

There And There And There And Back Again

Previously on The Hobbit... was 98% of J.R.R. Tolkien's book "The Hobbit" plus some scenes from some of the other compendium Middle Earth saga books. This leaves director Peter Jackson with, oh, two hours and change to tell the scintillating engagement of human on orc on elves on troll on etc. violence dubbed the Battle of the Five Armies. But first, some prior business to take care of: the namesake and star of the middle portion of The Hobbit trilogy, the greedy and fire-breathing talking dragon Smaug (voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch) is loose from the Dwarf Mountain filled with gold he slumbered in and is hellbent on roasting the nearby hamlet of Laketown. As panic fills the streets and the rabble of Laketown attempt to evacuate via boats and dingys (the most opulent of which is the Mayor of Laketown's, played by Stephen Fry), it falls to the one they call Bard (Luke Evans) to slay the dragon. Bard slays said dragon without too much difficulty; Smaug is shot through the heart and Bard's to blame. This puts an ignoble end to the mighty and erudite Smaug once and for all.

With Smaug out of the picture after a quick ten minutes, the Company of Dwarves, with their loveable burglar Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) in tow, are free to take back their mountain home, fulfilling their quest. Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage) is installed as King of the Dwarves and upon gaining control of the veritable ocean of gold coins and treasure in the bowels of his mountain, Thorin goes green with crazy in record time. Daffy Duck crazy. When all the fighting, which comprises 90% of The Battle of the Five Armies, commences, Jackson unfortunately didn't squeeze in a fight between Thorin and Daffy Duck for all the gold. Crazy Thorin quickly becomes completely unreasonable, welching on his promise to the people of Laketown to give them some of the gold if they helped him fight Smaug. This also brings an army of Elves into the fray, lead by the saucer-eyed and pouty-mouthed Thranduil (Lee Pace). Thranduil and Bard attempt to negotiate terms with crazy Thorin, bringing their legion of warrior Elves and a gaggle of ragtag humans to the Dwarves' door. But they're not the only army looking for a fight.

Soon, the Elves and the Dwarves and the humans are joined by a second legion of Dwarves, plus an army of killer orcs, some giant worms, giant trolls, giant eagles, and also our fan favorite heroes: the Elves Legolas (Orlando Bloom), Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly), and the venerable grey wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellen). That's more than five armies and more than enough for a CGI free-for-all where thousands of digital soldiers collide in a conflagration not seen since the last time there was a Lord of the Rings trilogy. Untold numbers of orcs, Elves, humans, Dwarves, and monsters die, while most of the core characters perform spectacular and unbelievable feats of heroic derring-do. The numerous sequences where Physics Mean Nothing to Legolas are particularly memorable. The Battle of the Five Armies eschews the movie having an actual plot in exchange for a series of action beats and mini subplots within the overarching war. What everyone is fighting for is also unclear: is everyone interested in the gold in the mountain? Did the orcs want the gold too or did they just want to kill everyone that isn't an orc, troll, or giant worm? Things are too dire and hectic to ponder such questions.

As thousands die outside his mountain walls, crazy Thorin wrestles with his conscience as each of his Dwarf buddies and his best Hobbit friend drop by to tell him he's paranoid and insane and not the King they all thought he was. The guilt tripping and cajoling eventually break through to crazy Thorin and he becomes noble Thorin once more. All's well, all's forgiven, and the Company of Dwarves charge into battle behind their King #OneLastTime. Sadly, this was the last heroic stand for many of our Dwarf friends. Thorin's brothers fall in battle, one of whom is mourned by Tauriel, his Dwarf girlfriend, who monologues awkwardly about the pain of love. Most importantly, Thorin goes dwarfo e orco #OneLastTime against his arch foe the Pale Orc. Their violent final battle on a frozen lake claims both their lives (although maybe Thorin would still be alive if he hadn't given Bilbo the only shirt made of indestructible silver steel). But Thorin goes out a hero, pledging his friendship to Bilbo and dying in a manner that seals his legend. Poor Thorin Oakenshield. He was the best Dwarf of them all, even when he went cuckoo bananas over all that gold.

As there was plenty of time in The Battle of the Five Armies to squeeze in some extra cameos, a few more familiar faces pop in #OneLastTime. When Gandalf is held captive by some evil ghost orcs and the spirit of Sauron, the Elves Galadiel (Cate Blanchett) and Elrond (Hugo Weaving) and the white wizard Saruman (Christopher Lee) join the send off to the Middle Earth saga and save Gandalf. They opted not to join in the Battle of the Five Armies for whatever inscrutable reasons. But then Elrond and Galadriel just aren't joiners. Saruman turns out to be, but to Sauron, and we already saw how that turned out. In the end, The Hobbit trilogy and greater the six film cycle of the Lord of the Rings come full circle like the One Ring: concluding where it all began when Bilbo returns home to Bag End from his Unexpected Journey, jumping in time to one hundred eleven year-old Bilbo (Ian Holm) receiving Gandalf and kicking off the adventures of Frodo. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies is the end of one story and the beginning of another. Say what you will about the unnecessary excess and enormity of The Hobbit trilogy, but the moments of warmth and friendship, like Gandalf praising Bilbo for his bravery, are what ultimately endure. In the end, time spent in Middle Earth is never truly wasted. We can always go there and back again, and that's a gift more precious than all the gold in the Lonely Mountain.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

** SPOILERS **

Previously, on The Hobbit... a company of thirteen Dwarves, including their once and future king Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage), the wizard Gandalf the Grey (Sir Ian McKellan), and their hired-on burglar Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman), set off to find a mountain full of gold and liberate it from the dragon that sleeps beneath it. They didn't quite get there, for this is a very, very long unexpected journey. Our vertically challenged adventurers are still in the midst of their quest as we catch up with them in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, the expansive middle chapter of Peter Jackson's expansive, unexpected trilogy. Jackson himself makes a brief cameo at the onset of The Desolation of Smaug, as we witness a flashback in the Prancing Pony of how Gandalf came upon the company of Thorin Oakenshield. Gandalf's primary function in Smaug is to provide set up for events to come; he later abandons the Dwarves for a side mission where he comes face to face - eye to eye literally - with the returning Sauron. We, of course, can't share in Gandalf's shock and dismay, seeing how we found out a decade ago how it all turns out with Sauron. 

Thorin and his Dwarf chums continue to get in all sorts of sticky wickets. They are chased by a skin changing man bear, cocooned and nearly eaten by giant spiders, imprisoned by Elves, hunted by Orcs, and are nearly roasted alive by a dragon. They get out of most of these fine messes thanks to Bilbo, who has with him the One Ring he took from Gollum in the previous film. The One Ring may be slowly corrupting his soul, but it also makes Bilbo invisible and thus makes sneaking around a lot easier. Dwarves literally can't sneak around to save their own lives; even when Bilbo is breaking them out of the Elven hoosegow in the middle of the night, the Dwarves can't keep their voices down. No such thing as an 'indoor voice' for Dwarves. The Dwarves, however, are known quitters who only try things once and then bail. When their lifelong dream of opening the hidden door of their mountain doesn't quite work out as they thought, they quickly give up and sulk off. It is thanks to Bilbo, who actually thinks about stuff, to figure out how to find the keyhole and open the door to the mountain. The grateful Dwarves respond by pushing Bilbo alone into the mountain to face the dragon, all the while telling him how courageous he is as they sit out in the sidelines. 

So it's easy to understand why the Elves hate Dwarves and vice versa. When the Elves save the Dwarves from the giant spiders and take them prisoner, we meet a proud new Elf king, Thranduil (Lee Pace), the father of Legolas (Orlando Bloom). Thorin and Thanduil have a brief negotiation that quickly devolves into the two of them yelling at each other. It's terrific to see Legolas again, and, this being set decades before the Lord of the Rings trilogy, he's more acrobatic and deadly with a bow than ever. Also getting copious amounts of screen time is Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly from Lost), the latest hot lady Elf in the tradition of Liv Tyler and Cate Blanchett. Tauriel inexplicably gets the hots for one of the Dwarves and defies her Elf King to go off and save him from the Orcs, to Legolas' chagrin. Legolas is quick to spring into action and he doesn't quite understand just why he's running across the forest killing Orcs to save Dwarves, but he'll eventually figure everything out; no need to worry about Legolas.

The Desolation of Smaug starts in the middle of something and ends in the middle of something, all the while in fact being the middle of something. The movie consists of a lot things happening that triggers the next thing that happens, while over yonder, other people are finding out about other things that are going to happen that we already know about, but is news to them. Jackson stages a couple of memorable action sequences, the best of which is the Dwarves escaping from and fighting the Orcs in the river rapids while in barrels that would make for a terrific ride in Universal Studios theme parks. The action occasionally pauses for characters to discuss events and grow increasingly forlorn as the odds of their success weigh against them, but these occur in beautifully realized vistas like Thandruil's Elf City, and the stunning city by the lake ruled over by Stephen Fry. Therein, the Dwarves are aided by a smuggler named Bard (Luke Evans), who holds a few secrets tied to that mountain where the dragon rests.

Everything, of course, builds up to Bilbo penetrating the ancient Dwarf city of gold and coming face to face with the dragon Smaug, who talks! Why Smaug, you're so well-spoken. Where did you study? Who was your professor at university? Smaug (voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch) is easily these films' most magnificent CGI creation, and meeting him was worth the wait. (Freeman's Bilbo conversing with Cumberbatch's Smaug is also a fun Sherlock and Watson reunion.) For a dragon who has waded like Scrooge McDuck and dozed in incomprehensible wealth beneath a mountain for centuries, Smaug is shockingly up to date on current events. Smaug knew who Thorin Oakenshield was and what he's been up to and seemed well-prepared to meet this incoming invasion of "filthy Dwarves" trying to take back what Smaug rightfully stole and now owns. Smaug is Game of Thrones' Daenerys Targaryen's dream dragon: not just a mighty, fire-breathing bad ass, but he's rich and a provocative conversationalist. Smaug is also the dragon version of Goldfinger or Goldmember; boy, does he love gold. Smaug literally gets stopped in his tracks and forgets to kill Thorin because he got so distracted by staring at the giant golden statue of a Dwarf King he never knew was there. The Desolation of Smaug abruptly stops as Smaug takes wing to murder all of the new characters we met in this movie with fire and blood. But still, Smaug, you're a fine fellow. It was a pleasure speaking with you. See you next year, perhaps over a spot of tea?

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY

** SPOILERS **

In The Company Of Dwarves

Bilbo Baggins didn't want to leave home. A bunch of swarthy Dwarves showed up at his front door with no explanation, started eating all of his food, and all agreed: they didn't think Bilbo should go with them either. Where are they going? To a mountain full of gold, sort of like that giant safe Scrooge McDuck keeps all his money in, except this mountain is guarded by a dragon. Dragons love gold, you see. The mountain used to be the awesome Dwarf City, until the dragon showed up, blew smoke (and fire) up their asses and took it from them, banishing the Dwarves into the wilds of Middle-Earth. But they're going to get that mountain of gold back, even though there's only 13 of them, and an old wizard. What difference can one little Hobbit make?

In The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (part one of three), writer-director Peter Jackson deposits us back into the sometimes cheerful, sometimes terrifying world of Middle-Earth, 60 years before the events of Lord of the Rings trilogy. It's a confusing re-introduction at first, with old Bilbo (Ian Holm) narrating the fall of Dwarf City to the dragon while writing his memoirs to Frodo (Elijah Wood in a walk on) on what turned out to be the same morning Galdalf arrived for Bilbo's party that set in motion the events of the previous trilogy, which is actually the sequel trilogy to this. (Can I have some of that weed Bilbo was smoking?) The Hobbit bounces us back 60 years to where Bilbo is a young Hobbit (a terrific Martin Freeman) and that fateful morning when his life was totally upended by Gandalf arriving to vandalize his door, followed by thirteen Dwarves, and a Call to Adventure.

If you ever watched Lord of the Rings, singled out Gimli the Dwarf and thought, "Gimli! I need to know a lot more about that guy and his peeps", The Hobbit is the trilogy for you. The Hobbit is positively Dwarf-centric. The Dwarves, I remind there are thirteen of them, are an amusing and motley lot, but they're a lot less memorable than the Fellowship of the Ring and its assorted characters of Elves, humans, and Hobbits. Or for that matter, the Seven Dwarves in Snow White. Let's see, who showed up at Bag End? There's the Old One, and the Fat One (though they're all kind of fat), and the One With The Bow, and the One with the Slingshot, and... uh, the rest. 

The important Dwarf to keep track of is their leader and King, Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage), a dark, grim fellow so named because he once cut off the arm of the fearsome Pale Orc while using a piece of oak as a shield. Thorin's the most interesting Dwarf by default, as the last of the line of Dwarf Kings who really hates Elves and doesn't think much of Hobbits, either. There's a climactic moment when Thorin goes dwarfo e orco with his arch rival the Pale Orc, gets his ass handed to him, and it seems like he's going to be Boromir-ed. You can't Boromir Thorin Oakenshield! He's the only interesting Dwarf! (Hey, I never read the book.) I did enjoy Thorin's method of yelling at Bilbo like he's extra furious for Bilbo saving his life before hugging him, all smiles. That Thorin, he's such a prankster when he survives nearly being murdered.

After a prolonged dinner party at Bilbo's house that was rather reminiscent of holiday gatherings with my family (very loud, a lot of food), Bilbo sets off with the Dwarves on the adventure of his lifetime, signing on as their official Burglar. Oh, what sights he sees! Mountains, Gandalf! Mountains that come alive and slug each other into shattered rocks for some reason. Limitless forests, rivers, and caves, lots of caves, as many caves as a Starfleet Officer in Star Trek: The Next Generation will see in his career. The Company of Dwarves find one cave full of treasure and magical swords (Bilbo acquires his glowing blue blade Sting, "more of a letter opener" than a sword) and find themselves trapped in another, an enormous Goblin City that also sits above the cave where Gollum (Andy Serkis) lives. The geography is iffy. There are also cliffs, quite a few cliffs, where Bilbo and friends find themselves in literal cliffhangers, waiting in mortal peril until whatever Deus ex machina Gandalf can conjure next from his pointy hat comes to pass. 

All the while, our noble heroes are chased by Orcs on Wolfback, led by the pissed off, one-armed Pale Orc. There's also talk of an evil Necromancer living in the ruins of a castle somewhere. They encounter a trio of hungry Trolls (Frodo and friends met a Troll in Fellowship of the Ring, and if you've ever wondered what would happen if these Trolls could talk, bonus), battle legions of goblins, and are saved by giant eagles, who fly them to safety on top of another mountain, maybe a thousand miles across from the mountain they're trying to get to. Couldn't those birds have just taken them all the way? There are also rabbits that pull sleds and a little bird who knows a specific Morse Code that wakes up a dragon from its slumber in gold, sort of like how Daffy Duck swims through all the treasure he found in Ali Baba's cave.

While the humans from Lord of the Rings like Boromir and Aragorn haven't been born yet, many of the more long-lived fan favorite characters make welcome appearances. A brief stop over in the Elf City of Rivendell is a good time to get caught up with Elrond (Hugo Weaving) and Galadriel (Cate Blanchett), she of the twisty white gowns, ethereal beauty, and creepy mind readings. I liked that while Gandalf was busy having His Important Elf Meeting, the Dwarves got bored and took off. The white wizard Saruman (Christopher Lee) also drops by, and it's disconcerting seeing him try to talk Gandalf out of everything he's up to, knowing how buddy-buddy with Sauron he'll turn out later. Waited in vain for Legolas and uh, Liv Tyler, to show up, but maybe in the next movies. While the Elves look like they haven't aged a day, the same can't be said for the wizards, who look more... wizened... than ever, despite this being 60 years before when we saw them last. Perhaps the wizards age backwards like Benjamin Button.

As far as fan favorites characters go, the whole movie in a way builds up to the first (and only?) meeting between Bilbo and poor, pathetic Gollum (Andy Serkis). Bilbo of course acquires the One Ring from Gollum and plays a riddle game with him. Gollum is the prime example of how far computer generated visual effects have come in a decade; his face has never been smoother or more expressive, his body movements are more lifelike. His loincloth is so... cloth-like. Gollum's facial acting is surprisingly expressive and moving; you really feel for the little freak when he realizes he's lost his precious ring and that jerk Bagginses stole it from him.

As breathtaking as some of the vistas look, the action in The Hobbit is more manic and incomprehensible than ever, especially in the all-out havoc in Goblin City when the Dwarves battle, plummet, battle, and plummet some more. The chaos is reminiscent in the worst ways of the excesses of the Star Wars prequels, when there's just so much stuff on the screen and you completely lose track of characters, logic, reality, and how physics would work. Compare the Goblin City sequence to the similar Mines of Moria sequence in Fellowship, and The Hobbit pales in comparison to how meaningful the action, character beats, and the "death" of Gandalf played. Nothing in Goblin City is as memorable, meaningful, or iconic as the "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" moment in Fellowship. The Dwarves' bodies are apparently made of the stuff inside rag dolls, as they miraculously survive multiple falls of thousands of feet and collisions into stone and wood and rock that should have pulverized their bones and made Dwarf stew out of them.

While the action overwhelms, bludgeons and sometimes outright confuses, The Hobbit succeeds in its many, many quieter moments: the times when Bilbo silently weighs his comfortable, predictable life at Bag End against the possibilities of What's Out There; when Thorin bears the pain of the horrors of what has become of his people and swallows the responsibility of restoring their greatness; the exhilaration when Bilbo runs to join the Company ("I'm going on an adventure!"); when both Bilbo and Thorin question whether Bilbo belongs on their quest; or when Gandalf ponders just what is it about that little Hobbit that makes him stake everything on his potential. "Perhaps I am afraid, and he makes me brave," Gandalf concludes, and that little truth about that little Hobbit is where the magic of The Hobbit truly lays.