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Friday, May 31, 2019

Godzilla: King of the Monsters



Roland Emmerich's Godzilla 1998 is still the worst American-made Godzilla movie, but Michael Dougherty's Godzilla: King of the Monsters makes a hearty bid for that crown. Unlike Emmerich, the new Godzilla gets the monsters right, at least, but both films are populated with humans that deserve to go extinct. While Emmerich leaned towards bottom-feeding 1990s sitcom archetypes for his characters, Dougherty's film is populated by complete idiots who think they're smart but no, they're complete idiots. Here is the human cast of Godzilla: King of the Monsters: Coach Taylor (Kyle Chandler), Norman Bates' Mom (Vera Farmiga), the Kid Who Does Whatever She Wants (Millie Bobby Brown), Godzilla's Biggest Fan (Ken Watanabe), the Lady Who Likes Sea Monsters And Is Killed Offscreen (Sally Hawkins), A Clown (Thomas Middleditch), A Clown Who Voted For Obama (Bradley Whitford), Ice Cube's Kid (O'Shea Jackson, Jr.), the Asian Lady No One Knows Is Twins - Or Do They? (Zhang Ziyi), and Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance). Except for Tywin, they all work for Monarch, a secret organization with unlimited resources that collects giant monsters (now called Titans) like Pokemon - gotta catch them all! Monarch's mission statement is "Discovery and Defense in a Time of Monsters" but their real playbook is "Let Godzilla Do Whatever He Wants. Godzilla Is Always Right" because, apparently, he is.

After the attack on San Francisco in the 2014 Godzilla that killed Norman Bates (Honolulu was destroyed in that film too, but no matter), Norman Bates' Mom invented Orca, a sonar device that can 'talk' to the monsters and calm them down, apparently. Like Homer Simpson, she stages a phony kidnapping by Tywin Lannister and his unnamed mercenary group to get to the Monarch Antarctica outpost. There rests Ghidorah, the giant three-headed dragon, and for some reason, Bates' Mom thinks releasing him and then all of the other Titans is the best way to save the planet from climate change. She reveals her innermost thoughts to her ex-husband Coach Taylor and the rest of Monarch in a preposterous speech and after hearing it, the Kid realizes her mom is fucking nuts. In this movie, the monsters and their radiation are the planet's natural line of defense. Bates' Mom spouts some weird hippie shit about humans and monsters living together in harmony (amidst the ruins of our smashed civilization?) and it's not even clear whether she believes it or not. No matter, because it doesn't take long for her to realize she's an idiot, but it does take her a lot longer than it took me.

Once Ghidorah is released and Godzilla is unable to stop him, the dragon is revealed to be an alpha among the monsters that rivals Godzilla himself. The other Titans start waking up to meet the new boss, who's not the same as the old boss. There are at least 17 other monsters in this movie and we see a lot of them but the Big Four are Godzilla, Ghidorah, Mothra, and Rodan. All of the monsters start wrecking cities all around the world but Monarch has a plan: let Godzilla handle it. The US Military has a different plan - kill them all - and it's a good plan but they also fuck it up. Admiral David Strathairn announces the military has a new weapon: an oxygen destroyer missile that can kill anything that breathes oxygen within a two-mile radius. They fire it at Godzilla and Ghidorah in the ocean; it doesn't work on Ghidorah because it's an alien dragon, but it doesn't kill Godzilla either. But the oxygen missile does kill millions of fish, despite the fact that fish don't breathe oxygen. This is that kind of movie.

Oxygen destroyers are stupid anyway because along with a giant undersea base and a super jet, Monarch has nuclear weapons, which they apparently have authority to use whenever they want without clearing it with anyone. In their nuclear sub, Monarch chase Godzilla and find out the Hollow Earth theory pitched in the vastly superior Kong: Skull Island is correct: there are massive tunnels beneath the surface connecting the whole planet and that's how Godzilla gets around. In fact, there's even an ancient Godzilla City deep, deep under the sea. Godzilla went back to take a nap and recharge but Monarch decides he's taking too long so they decide to launch a nuke at him to speed things up. When they realize they have to literally hand deliver the warhead to Godzilla - a one-way trip - Ken Watanabe volunteers and no one tries to talk him out of it. Bradley Whitford says he'll miss it when Ken says "Let them fight!" even though he wasn't in the last movie the one time Ken said it. No matter, Watanabe brings the nuke to Godzilla and says "Goodbye, old friend" as if they're old friends and Godzilla knows or cares who he is. And another thing: he's deep in the Earth's core, where it must be blazing hot, but Watanabe just removes his gloves and helmet and he's fine. It's the same when everyone is in Antarctica (average temperature - 49 degrees Celsius or -120 degrees Fahrenheit for us dumb Americans) but they all walk around with no hats and their heads fully exposed. Not to mention the radiation of the monsters and the nukes - everyone in this movie should have radiation poisoning, cancer, or worse but they can't help touching the monsters like the teenage girl did the Brachiosaur in Jurassic Park.

Back to the Kid, who gives her mom a big FU by stealing the Orca. This kid just takes the device, which is left unguarded, and strolls out of a secret bunker crawling with armed mercenaries and then walks miles on foot to Fenway Park in the middle of a Boston under emergency evacuation. Her crazy mom, Tywin, and the mercenaries don't realize the Kid is gone until she's already at Fenway blasting the Orca on their loudspeakers, which the Titans can apparently hear no matter where in the world they are. The Orca draws Ghidorah, who was hanging out in Washington D.C. for some reason, to Boston, and yet, this lightning-shooting three-headed dragon the size of the Hancock Tower can't kill one stupid kid. Monarch arrives with Godzilla, and Mothra and Rodan also join in the fatal four-way match, but the movie is much more concerned with Coach Taylor and his crazy wife finding their dumb kid, who went home to her townhouse because it's "safe" there, I guess? (It isn't.) Meanwhile, Godzilla is supercharged with nuclear radiation and Bradley Whitford announces he'll go thermonuclear in 12 minutes, then six minutes, but it takes a lot longer than that for Godzilla to blow. By then, Norman Bates' Mom driving a Humvee has led Ghidorah on a merry chase around Boston while the rest of Monarch escape in an airplane where they leave the rear hatch wide open the whole time, giving them a nice aerial view of Godzilla's nuclear explosion destroying Boston and killing Ghidorah. But it's fine because you can just be a few thousand feet away from a nuclear detonation and no worries, you're all okay.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters is so immensely stupid that the monsters bowing to Godzilla at the end - Rodan, a giant pterodactyl, even knows how to genuflect and practically does a curtsy - almost seems normal. In the end, Monarch is exposed as a Keystone Cops operation that's even more dangerous and out-of-control than the monsters and it's an outfit where a drunk ex-football coach and his boneheaded teenage daughter can just do whatever the hell they want and this one family is more of a threat to the safety of the world than the Titans are. So, sure, let Godzilla be king of the world because Godzilla knows best, but as for me, let me off this crazy fucking planet.

Saturday, May 25, 2019

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum



The best line in John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum is spoken to John Wick (Keanu Reeves) by the Elder (Saïd Taghmaoui): "I've never seen anyone fight so hard to end up right back where he started!" The Elder, the only man above the High Table, which is the international consortium of assassins John Wick works for, has a point. You'd think with this third John Wick movie, the franchise is about to wind down the story of John Wick but you don't title movie number three "Parabellum" (i.e. "prepare for war" in Latin) if you're looking to put a cap on things. No, by the end of John Wick 3, John Wick isn't at his wick's end; rather, he's got an even bigger war on his hands.  

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum kicks off immediately after the events of John Wick: Chapter 2. The titular black suited killer and dog lover committed a cardinal sin of the assassin's creed and killed an Italian mob moss in the Continental Hotel, which is supposed to be a safe haven for killers. Winston (Ian McShane), the hotel manager, made John Wick "ex-communicado", placing a $14-million bounty on his head. Now on the run, John Wick has to get out of NYC as hordes of multinational assassins come to collect. The first act of Parabellum sees John Wick fighting off assassins while nonsensically leaping around New York City from Chinatown to Queens with no regard whatsoever for geography. No matter, because Wick is trying to get out of Dodge and he returns to his roots, the Russian mafia, where he got his start as Jardani Jovonovich, "a child of the Belarus". John uses up his last favor with the Director (Anjelica Huston) and is sent to Casablanca.

Meanwhile, an Adjudicator from the High Table (Asia Kate Dillon) arrives to clean up the unholy mess left behind by John Wick that's made a mockery of the noble profession of assassination. She lays down the law that the High Table is making some changes and both Winston and the Bowery King (Laurence Fishburne), the leader of the New York underworld, are going to be replaced. The Adjudicator is a force to be reckoned with and she's a big step up as a villain for this franchise. For muscle, she recruits the local cadre of Japanese assassins headed by a wild-eyed and charming Zero (Mark Dacascos). Zero is a big John Wick fan, as are we all, so he's eager to test his skills against the top dog.

In Casablanca, John meets up with Sophie (Halle Berry), another career assassin who goes way back with him, and they run afoul of the High Table's dapper Morocco chief Berrada (Jerome Flynn, who is the second Game of Thrones alum in this franchise after Alfie Allen's dog-murdering baddie in the first film). Speaking of Game of Thrones, Sophie is also a dog lover who fights using two highly-trained German shepherds as her wingmen and their shootout in Casablanca is spectacular. In fact, in one ten minute sequence alongside John and Sophie, John Wick 3 outdoes 8 seasons of Game of Thrones' direwolves combined in terms of dogs fighting alongside humans. But it all has to come back to the Continental for a final showdown between John Wick and the Japanese, where the Baba Yaga lays waste to Zero's entire fighting force before their mano e mano showdown in a tower of glass. 

All throughout, John Wick 3's spectacular action is more thrilling and novel than before, with eye-popping choreographed fights and far more variety of colorful and opulent kung fu fighting and kills than the previous film's overreliance on mere gunplay. It's all held down by Reeves' understated and steely charisma. All told, Parabellum is the most rollicking John Wick entry thus far. And, as the Elder summarized, John Wick fought so hard to end up right back where he started, once more on the run from even more assassins trying to kill him. For all of the guff the Marvel Cinematic Universe gets for being one long episodic TV series, the John Wick franchise is even more blatant of that. This movie's title should really have been John Wick: Chapter 3 - Prepare For 4.

Friday, May 24, 2019




Stranger Visitor From Another Planet

James Gunn and David Yarovesky's Brightburn sticks to that old adage of stage and screen: If you introduce a rifle in Act I, that rifle will be fired at the head of a 12-year-old alien lunatic by his adoptive father in Act III - and do no harm at all. But the same can't be said for what the boy does to him in retaliation.

Like a Marvel "What If?" tale, Brightburn retells the oldest story in superhero fiction from a horror point of view. Stop me if you've heard this one: a Kansas couple, Tori (Elizabeth Banks) and Kyle (David Denman) Breyer, want to have a child and their wish is granted when a spaceship carrying a baby crashes outside their farm. The couple hides the spaceship and raises the child, whom they name Brandon Breyer (Jackson A. Dunn) as their own. They love him, care for him, but he's different and he's bullied by kids at school. Then, on this 12th birthday, the alien ship they hid in their barn glows red and calls out for Brandon in an alien language, ordering him to "take the world!" Brandon, who has never been hurt or sick in his life, gains even more powers: now, he can fly, is super strong, super fast, invulnerable, affect nearby electrical devices, and he can fire Heat Vision from his eyes.

The obvious conclusion is that with these awesome powers, Brandon dedicates his life to truth, justice, and the American way goes completely apeshit and starts murdering people and destroying things. He massacres the chickens in his family farm. He stalks and injures the prettiest girl in school, Caitlyn Conner (Emmie Hunter) - which isn't too far from what Brandon Routh's Man of Steel did to Kate Bosworth's Lois Lane in Superman Returns, to be honest, although Superman had the courtesy not to be seen or break her hand. When his parents or his school tries to discipline him, he boasts that he's "something superior" and makes veiled threats. And he murders, boy howdy, does he murder! Brandon likes to learn about human anatomy and doodles grosteque drawings about what he's gonna do to people - and then he does them. Brandon murders Caitlyn's mom Erika (not unlike how Henry Cavill's Man of Steel murdered the African warlord at the start of Batman V Superman) and opens her up from the inside out. She also gets a shard of glass in her eye in a funhouse mirror homage to when a bullet bounced off of Superman's eye in Superman Returns.

As Brandon keeps on murdering, donning a scary red hood and cape that accentuates his horrible red, glowing eyes, his mom Tori goes out of her way to defend him, despite his transparent lies. Meanwhile, his dad Kyle is not so sure about him anymore and the guilt they have of never telling Brandon about being from outer space bears down on them. When Tori finally confesses to Brandon that he's not really their son, his violent, incensed reaction is the polar opposite of how Clark Kent always took the news that he's from Krypton. And the creepy alien voice from his spaceship is no Marlon Brando or Russell Crowe. There are themes of nature vs. nurture in Brightburn and Brandon occasionally expresses he wants to be good, but they get swept aside every time he loses his temper and the urge to kill rises - which is constant. Brandon also understands branding; he draws up his own logo and leaves it in blood at his murder scenes.

Eventually, there's just no talking to Brandon anymore and Kyle decides there's only one course of action left: take his son hunting and then shoot him in the back of the head. It doesn't go well. One of the clever bits of Brightburn is the casting; Dunn is suitably creepy and vicious as Brandon and Banks is excellent in the Martha Kent role, but casting David Denman is a masterstroke because of how much he evokes a bearded Ben Affleck. When Brandon realizes Kyle tries to kill him, Brightburn pushes the Knightmare scene in Batman V Superman where the Dark Knight is held prisoner by a fascist Superman to its most horrible conclusion. In a lot of ways, Brightburn is the Superman horror story Zack Snyder was always teetering on making (and reportedly wanted to go all-in on in his aborted concept for Justice League) before saner heads prevailed.

Finally, Brandon stalks and destroys his Kansas farmhouse and the sheriffs who have come to arrest him. Tori realizes Brandon is a super killer and goes for the one thing proven to hurt him, a shard of metal from his spaceship, but she fails to pull a Jon Snow on Brandon's Daenerys Targaryen and, like Robin Arryn, Brandon makes his mother fly. There's also a concluding bit involving an airplane that's reminscient of something similar that happened at the end of Chronicle, another tale of a teenage superpowered maniac. 

Brightburn does feel a bit slight when it comes to answers and it holds back from going deeper and fully exploring the menace that is Brandon Breyer, but for the Superman-derived horror it's trying to accomplish, it's efficient, effective, and very well done. There's also amusing set up for a sequel by talk show host Michael Rooker screaming about Brightburn, as this new super villain is called, as well as other menaces like a "half-human, half-sea creature" and a "woman who chokes people with a rope", so good, there's gonna be an evil Justice League. And, ironically, there's far more likely to be a Brightburn 2 than a Man of Steel 2 or a Justice League 2.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Game of Thrones Season 8 at Screen Rant


Game of Thrones season 8 concluded the biggest show in the world. I was thrilled to be part of the main Game of Thrones team covering the final season at Screen Rant with a sweet gig as the God of Death charting everyone who died plus a weekly deep dive into each episode, and more. Here are all my features linked below: