Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS

** SPOILERS **

Behold science fiction cinema's worst on screen couple, a romantic pairing so repellent, they make Anakin and Padme look like Jack and Rose. Dane DeHaan is Valerian, a Major in the ill-defined United Human Federation. Cara Delevingne is Laureline, a fellow agent who, despite being infinitely more competent than Valerian, is ranked beneath him as a mere Sergeant, so that's what the future's like. Valerian and Laureline are partners, but more than that, together or apart - but especially together - they are cosmic black holes of human empathy. Valerian is a total creep; a smarmy, self-obsessed waste of matter who is somehow the hero of this movie because his name is in the title. Laureline is forever fending off his lewd advances of love and marriage, all the while secretly attracted to him because she herself is devoid of anything resembling palpable humanity. They are gross.

Luc Besson's Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, based upon a 'beloved' series of graphic novels you probably have to be a Frenchman to have ever heard of, is a lot like his well-regarded The Fifth Element, except with Valerian, Besson cranks up the splatters of colors while wringing out all of the charm and whimsy. The skeezbag and supposed lady killer Valerian is no Bruce Willis, not even close. Willis possesses the gravitas and charisma of a true movie star, while DeHaan is pure anti-matter. Milla Jovovich was vulnerable and loveable in a way that Laureline could never be because Laureline is a sociopath just like Valerian, encased in a 'cool female action hero' facade that wears thin mere moments after being graced with her presence. Valerian and Laureline are meant to be together and save a universe you're screaming to escape upon entry.

It starts off so well too: The City of a Thousand Planets was once Alpha Station, the International Space Station celebrating the cooperation and unity of mankind before aliens started arriving and joining their technology to ours in a charming montage set to David Bowie's "Space Oddity." Exponentially growing to become a gigantic, multi-species city, Alpha Station eventually leaves Earth orbit, and 500 years later, it becomes the fabled City of a Thousand Planets, home to 70 million humans and aliens working together in intergalactic harmony. However, something's rotten in the City of a Thousand Plants, involving a secret conspiracy within the government and the genocide of a planet over a MacGuffin: a little alien critter that poops out countless priceless alien pearls. 

Everything in the movie is fine for about 10 minutes, which is not coincidentally when we meet Valerian and Laureline. After this, the movie itself becomes poop, with a convoluted plot offering zero surprises to anyone paying attention or has seen any other sci-fi movie. Ethan Hawke and Rihanna drop in to ham in it up, but overall, everyone in Valerian, human or alien, looks either befuddled or downright embarrassed. Everyone except Valerian and Laureline, that is. Both DeHaan and Delevingne are at least gung ho about starring in this universe, which places them and their noxious 'will they or won't they?' love affair firmly at the center, like the fetid core of a rotten apple.

Clive Owen is also in this. What happened to his career?

Cara Delevigne must have been paid extra every time she said #Valerian's name. It's 33% of her dialogue.
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."
"Valerian."'
"Valerian." pic.twitter.com/sQsjB5X1YC

— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) January 3, 2018

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS

** SPOILERS **

Stealth. Cunning. Silence. These are some of the hallmark traits one can associate with ninjas. Traits entirely absent from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, the cacophonous, ludicrous follow up to the successful 2014 reboot. The prior Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles took pains to establish this world of mutated, talking, pizza eating, humanoid teenage terrapins (proudly) named by the fetching intrepid reporter April O'Neil (Megan Fox) after Italian Renaissance painters: stern leader Leonardo (Pete Plozek), techie-nerd Donatello (Jeremy Howard), hard charging Raphael (Alan Ritchson), and party animal (literally) Michaelangelo (Noel Fisher). Louder and dumber than its predecessor, like a five year old banging dishpans together, Out of the Shadows squarely aims to recreate the weekday cartoon from the 1990s, with wall-to-wall CGI mutant creatures colliding into each other making tons and tons of noise, signifying nothing.

A year after defeating the evil ninja master Shredder (Brian Tee) and his ninja Foot Clan, the Ninja Turtles continue their thankless mission of protecting New York City from evil. But all is not harmonious within the four brothers. The Turtles are divided by their desire, like Ariel the Little Mermaid, to be part of that world above and be accepted. Their chance comes via a purple ooze from another dimension, a gift to Shredder from Commander Krang (Brad Garrett), a talking sludge of Pepto Bismol puke housed in a robot body and the most ridiculous and unsightly CGI creature in a movie bursting at the seams with them. This ooze could turn the Turtles into humans, an opportunity the Turtles reject after quick, arbitrary soul searching. Shredder and his mad scientist Tyler Perry instead use the ooze to transform a couple of bumbling henchmen Rocksteady (the WWE's Sheamus) and Bebop (Garry Anthony Williams) into a giant mutant rhinoceros and warthog respectively. The Turtles and April O'Neil recruit their own backup: not just April's old cameraman turned preening Hero of the City Will Arnett (who publicly took credit for Shredder's defeat so the Turtles wouldn't be publicly exposed), but also Casey Jones (Stephen Amell), a corrections officer in a goalie mask who fights ninjas with a hockey stick. 

Out of the Shadows unabashedly plays as a live action cartoon toy commercial. New vehicles like the Turtles' Battle van and the Foot Clan's motorcycles are trotted out and all but boxed and placed on Toys R Us shelves. The great threat to New York City is Krang's Technodrome, a massive Death Star-like base that arrives through a ripple in the sky in pieces, which the Ninja Turtles fight to prevent it from fully assembling. Every human, including Laura Linney as a police captain, plays the material as broad as possible, which is to say every performance is terrible. Everyone in Out of the Shadows who's not a mutated animal of some sort is thanklessly wasted by the overwhelming spectacle of CGI dominating the screen every moment. Wasted most of all is Megan Fox, who anchored the first movie with a heroic lead performance, but in this sequel, she's an arbitrary sidekick to the Turtles with no arc of her own, left to just react and reassure all the other humans meeting the Turtles for the first time that they're all right. Out of the Shadows is 112 minutes of being bludgeoned in the face by a bo staff, sai, katana sword, and nunchucks, and then a whole large pepperoni pizza is shoved down your pants.

Mr. Holmes

MR. HOLMES

** SPOILERS **

I chose exile for my punishment, but what was it for? 

I must have done something terribly wrong.

And I've no evidence of what it was. 

Only pain, guilt... Useless, worthless feelings!

There can be no greater torment for the greatest deductive mind of all time than the diminishing of his faculties. Bill Condon's Mr. Holmes,  based on the novel "A Slight Trick of the Mind," brings us Sherlock Holmes in the twilight of his years. Magnificently portrayed by Sir Ian McKellen, this Sherlock Holmes never perished at Reichenbach Falls in a battle against Professor Moriarty. Aged 93 in 1947, McKellen's Mr. Holmes lives in self-chosen "exile" in a remote Sussex farmhouse, having long since outlived all of his contemporaries, including his brother Mycroft and his loyal friend Dr. John Watson. Mr. Holmes battles dementia; he keeps bees on his property hoping the royal jelly might cure his affliction and when the film begins, he has just returned from Japan with hopes the jelly from the prickly ash plant he acquired might improve his failing memory. Worst of all, Mr. Holmes cannot remember the details of his last case, involving a man who came to him about his ailing wife, and what Holmes' involvement was in her death.

Mr. Holmes finds little comfort from his housekeeper, played by Laura Linney, who resents his burgeoning friendship with her bright, inquisitive son Roger, played by Milo Parker. Roger admires Holmes, and helpfully prods his memory with a barrage of questions. Some of the finest moments of Mr. Holmes involve Roger sitting under Holmes' learning tree, absorbing his still-formidable brilliance, be it in deducing who and where a person has been or how to care for bees and to fear their enemies, wasps. Mr. Holmes also flashes back to Holmes' sojourn in Japan, meeting another supposed fan of his, played by Hiroyuki Sanada, who wants answers to the disappearance of his father in England decades earlier. McKellen powerfully invokes this ancient Sherlock's pathos; his chagrin at the image of the fabled fictionalized hero Dr. Watson based on him, his succumbing to the physical realities of age, and a lifetime of deeply held loneliness and regret. Even stripped of his accoutrements, his famous sidekick, and his deerstalker cap, McKellen's Mr. Holmes remains proud, defiant, brilliant, and is perhaps the most human Sherlock of all.

Agora

AGORA

** SPOILERS **

In Agora, director Alejandro Amenabar's 2009 historical drama of religious tumult between Romans, Jews, and Christians, the city of Alexandria circa 391 A.D. just ain't big enough for the three of them. Amidst a hotbed of fanatical strife over whose god is the god who ought to be God, a luminous Rachel Weisz stars as Hypatia, a mathematician, scientist and philosopher who teaches at the Ptolemic School in the fabled Library of Alexandria. Hypatia, an equal opportunity instructor, counts among her students Roman nobles and slaves alike. Her three prized students are Orestes (a young Oscar Isaac), the future Roman Prefect of Alexandria, Synesius (Rupert Evans), a future Bishop of the aggressively growing Christian faith, and Davus (Max Minghella), Hypatia's deeply conflicted personal slave. Orestes and Davus both clearly love Hypatia, though she rather grossly rejects any attempt to woo her by offering up a rag stained with her menstrual blood. Still, Hypatia's "trying to prove the heliocentric model of the solar system (does the Earth revolve around the sun, how and why?)" is a milkshake that brings the boys to the yard. 

The yard in question is the "agora," the open meeting space in Alexandria which becomes a battleground of religious persecution. The growing and increasingly fanatical Christian population, led by Cyril (Sami Samir) and rabble roused by his number one fanatic Ammonius (Ashraf Barhom), declared holy war on the Romans and their polytheistic belief system, inciting a riot that drives the Romans to take refuge in the Library of Alexandria. When the Roman Emperor abandons Alexandria to the Christian hordes, they sack the Library. All the "pagan" symbols are destroyed and much of the accumulated wisdom of antiquity is lost. A decade passes and Alexandria continues to be a powderkeg. Though all the Romans have converted to Christianity, the Christians continue to consolidate their power and begin targeting the Jews in the city. The Christians and Jews take turns inciting and murdering each other; it's all Orestes, now Prefect and in way over his head, can do to maintain an uneasy peace.  Much like Springfield in The Simpsons, Alexandria can barely go one day without a riot. Inevitably, the Christians, looking for new enemies to target with righteous ire, turn their attention to women, deemed as inferior "as written in the Scriptures." Unfortunately, as Agora has it, there's only one woman in all of Alexandria (not a joke, Weisz is the only woman in the cast). Hypatia, who loves the science-y stuff and has absolutely no interest in religion of any sort, is condemned and branded a witch. Refusing the pleas of her former students still in love with her to convert, Hypatia's fate is sealed, though not before she successfully proves the Earth revolves around the sun. 

Agora takes a withering view of these early Christians, though historically speaking, this depiction isn't unfair. The conversion of people of "pagan" and "heathen" religions to Christianity often happened by violence. Even after converting all the Romans and marginalizing the Jews in Alexandria, the Christians of Agora continue to question the devotion of the converted. Indeed, Cyril, as head of his church, needs to do so in order to maintain the loyalty of his fanatical faithful. Agora boasts exceptional performances from Weisz, Isaac, Minghella, and Evans, as well as sumptuous sets and production design. Also, having Michael Lonsdale, who was once the villainous Hugo Drax in the James Bond adventure Moonraker, play the father of Weisz, who is married in real life to current 007 Daniel Craig, was a neat bit of casting. Agora unfolds in a manner where the characters (and the viewers) can't help but feel they're merely pawns to be sacrificed to a sad end. Amenabar plays God with his vivid cinematography, employing a favorite trick of macro-zooming out into space to regard the entire planet Earth with a "God's eye" view. Inevitability hangs over the brilliant but doomed Hypatia and the well-meaning people of Agora, like a Sword of Damocles poised to drop from the heavens, and does.

Paper Towns

PAPER TOWNS

** SPOILERS **

"Everyone gets a miracle," Quentin (Nat Wolff), the young hero of Paper Towns muses. In his case, his miracle was getting far the hell away from Margo Roth Spiegelman (Cara Delevingne). Adapted from John Green's young adult novel, but less successfully than last year's moneymaking tearjerker The Fault in Our Stars, Paper Towns follows the earnest romantic feelings Quentin has towards Margo Roth Spiegelman, or MRS, as she likes to sign things. They became next door neighbors when they were very young, and Quentin has loved her ever since, even after they grew apart as teenagers. He is a good, unadventurous student on track to becoming a doctor, a life plan which Margo Roth Spiegelman scoffed at to his face, calling it the "saddest thing [she's] ever heard." She grew into her high school's fabled, most desirable wild child, the stuff of legend and endless gossip. But she is awful.

After years of ignoring him, Margo Roth Spiegelman climbs through Quentin's bedroom window out of the blue and enlists his aid in a night of breaking and entering and vandalism, mainly because she "needs a getaway driver." She's out for revenge against her ex-boyfriend and other friends who wronged her. "We rain fire on our enemies," she proudly declares. Quentin, dazzled by her sudden attention, doesn't register that she is a sociopath. Together, they spend a long Orlando night commiting a few outright criminal acts, of which there are absolutely zero consequences. Quentin believes they've bonded again at long last. What else could it mean that they touched paint-stained index fingers like E.T. and Eliott? The next day, she ups and disappears. What happened to her? Who cares. Good riddance.

It is when Margo Roth Spiegelman vanishes that Paper Towns actually gets interesting. Quentin, however, believes himself in love and charged with a secret mission by Margo Roth Spiegelman to come and find her. Turning to a junior detective, Quentin enlists his two teenage chums, Ben (Austin Abrams) and Radar (Justice Smith), to decipher the "clues" Margo Roth Spiegelman has left behind. The friendship between the three bros, all nerds, two of whom looking forward to senior prom and possessing healthy teenage desires towards the girls at their school who aren't criminals, is believable and realistic. They even befriend Lacey (Halston Sage), Margo Roth Spiegelman's best friend and a genuinely nice person, who doesn't understand the scorn Margo Roth Spiegelman had for her before vanishing.

When Quentin figures out the secret meaning behind what "Paper Towns" are, the group of friends, along with Radar's girlfriend Angela (Jaz Sinclair), decide to road trip to upstate New York to find Margo Roth Spiegelman. It's a fool's errand, which everyone except Quentin comes to understand after arriving at their destination with no Margo Roth Spiegelman to be found. Which is for the best, as they make returning to Orlando for the senior prom their correct priority. All except Quentin, who stays behind in the paper town to finally reunite with Margo Roth Spiegelman and come to the realization that she's the Paper Town. To its credit, Paper Towns does have its head on straight that Margo Roth Spiegelman is no dream girl, and Quentin's intended life path sans who he thought was the love of his life is the correct one after all. So all's well that ends well for Quentin. As for the dangerous, unstable Margo Roth Spiegelman, she's on her proper path: a one way trip to Belle Reve Prison and a date with the Suicide Squad.

Jupiter Ascending

JUPITER ASCENDING

** SPOILERS **

"I am never complaining about the DMV again!"

Jupiter Ascending is the sci-fi action epic for everyone who thought all the yammering about trade tariffs and bureaucracy was the best part of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Writer-directors The Wachowskis introduce us to their magnum opus - a universe where a bunch of intergalactic weirdos actually own all the planets in existence and Earth in particular is contested by one particular royal family of weirdos, the Abrasax. On Earth, Mila Kunis is born to an unfortunate family of Russian house cleaners living in Chicago. Kunis' name in the movie is Jupiter Jones, and Jupiter Ascending won't let us forget it for not only is the movie titled Jupiter Ascending but every character in the first half of the movie starts all their dialogue addressing her with "Jupiter..." Jupiter scrubs toilets for a living and naturally hates her life, until a bunch of aliens start attacking her, she's saved by a "gene spliced" half-human/half-wolf former space cop played by Channing Tatum (look at his pointy little ears!), and she learns she's the reincarnation of the mother of the Abrasax and thus she is the legal owner of much of the galaxy, including Earth. But only if she can get the proper legal forms and deeds of entitlements filed.  

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy would play such silliness for wry laughs but Jupiter Ascending treats it all with deadly seriousness, except for its best sequence, which would delight Hermes Conrad of Futurama: Jupiter is taken to the sprawling intergalactic central bureaucracy to full out multiple tax credit forms and jump though endless legal hoops to claim her Entitlement as a member of the Abrasax Royal Family, and thus become the legal owner of Earth. Earth is important, Jupiter is horrified to learn, because it's the key world worth "harvesting": human beings are kidnapped, killed, and turned into a special liquid that lets the rest of the beings in the universe live for thousands of years. Jupiter meets her freaky relatives, her uppity "daughter" Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), her scheming youngest "son" Titus (Douglas Booth), who tries to marry her for her title and so he can murder her and claim it, and her eldest, evilest and freakiest, Balem (Eddie Redmayne), a preening space peacock gnawing at all of the green screen scenery. Not since The Fifth Element has a sci-fi blockbuster presented us with such opulent space madness. Jupiter and the audience find themselves reeling from the endless bureaucratic and political intrigue she finds herself embroiled in. Plus every alien not "related" to her in the second half of the movie calls Jupiter "Your Majesty." No wonder she would rather spend the entire movie throwing herself at Tatum, the loyal space dog-man she has fallen in love with. 

When no one is talking about Entitlements, the Code and Conduct Guide, and filing grievances with the Royal Ways and Means Commission, Jupiter Ascending throws in a ton of loud, perfunctory action sequences, with space ships engaged in dog fights over the skies of Chicago, Tatum using his gravity boots to skate through myriad explosions, and no less than two cliffhangers involving Jupiter's finger touching the Abrasax version of an iPad and thus transferring her royal title to one of her evil "sons." We're introduced to numerous strange and exotic alien races whose names and purposes you won't remember. Sean Bean is even along for the ride as Tatum's former boss, who naturally betrays him and then teams up with him again to save the endlessly-in-peril Jupiter. It says something about the rather crappy universe the Wachowskis have dreamed up that Jupiter would rather happily go back to her life of scrubbing crap with a toilet brush and dating Tatum on the side than take her place ruling her part of the Galaxy. Mila Kunis is the first and probably only owner of the planet Earth ever who spends her days scrubbing its toilets and likes it. If there's a lesson to be learned from Jupiter Ascending, it's be nice to your house cleaners: you never know which one of them holds the Deed of Entitlement which makes them the legal owner of Earth. So tip well.

Justice League: Gods and Monsters

JUSTICE LEAGUE: GODS AND MONSTERS

** SPOILERS **

The DC Comics Multiverse more often than not allows for alternate realities that can be more interesting than the mainstream "core" DC Universe. Justice League: Gods and Monsters, a brand new tale created for DC Animation (with spin off comics based on this universe, naturally), introduces us to one such alternate reality, and it's got a lot of potential. In Gods and Monsters, the Justice League is boiled down to the so-called Trinity: Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, in a wholly original, violent, and fascinating take on the three icons unlike any we've seen before. Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, Princess Diana, where for art thou? Apparently, in this reality, nowhere, that's where. It's not a bad thing at all.

Superman (voiced by Benjamin Bratt) is the son of Lara and General Zod(!), who imbued his DNA into the Kryptonian birthing matrix instead of Jor-El just before the Last Son of Krypton was rocketed to Earth. The baby Superman was found not by the Kents but by a Mexican migrant couple and was raised with the name Hernan Guerra. Dios mio! The Batman (voiced by Michael C. Hall) is Kirk Langstrom, who is a half-man/half-bat villain named Man-Bat (naturally) in the main DC Universe, but here, he is our Dark Knight -- and he's a vampire, to boot! Wonder Woman (voiced by Tamara Taylor) is a princess of sorts, but she's no Amazon. She is Bekka from New Genesis, a power sword-wielding granddaughter of Highfather of the New Gods (voiced by Richard Chamberlain!). Best of all, this Wonder Woman's history is a cracking good Game of Thrones-style spin on the New Gods: She was engaged to Darkseid's son Orion as a consummation of a peace treaty between Apokolips and New Genesis, but it was all a sinister plot by a surprisingly sinister Highfather to "Red Wedding" Darkseid and his forces -- and it worked! 

Gods and Monsters limits the superheroes to the Trinity and doesn't explain how they came together as the Justice League, but all three get plenty of exploration of their origins. We literally watch Superman born from a zygote into an infant child on his journey to Earth. Batman's origin plays an integral part in the main plot: Langstrom went to college with Will Magnus, the robotics genius who creates the Metal Men in the main DC Universe. In Gods and Monsters, Magnus is a nanotech expert (with deep seeded feelings of jealousy and inadequacy). Magnus' nanotech seemed to hold the key to Langstrom's life's work, but ingesting his own bat serum transformed Langstrom into a vampire. How this vampire became the crimefighting Batman is a tale for another day. 

If you're a DC nerd really into the various brilliant and mad scientists of the DC Universe (guilty), God and Monsters is a veritable Who's Who: Victor Fries, Ray Palmer, John Henry Irons, Thaddeus Sivana, Kimiyo Hoshi, T.O. Morrow, Michael Holt, Silas Stone, and more -- they're all here, but not in their superheroic or villainous guises. Something called "Project Fair Play" is the impetus for the main plot, in which the Justice League is framed for the systematic murders of these scientists by robot assassins, all of whom were proteges of the mysterious Lex Luthor (voiced by Jason Isaacs). There are greater issues at play as well: the ultra violent nature of the Justice League is constantly under public scrutiny in the media, mainly by fearless reporter Lois Lane (voiced by Paget Brewster), who is far from Superman's biggest fan. The League's official status as government operatives turns sour with these murders, and they become public enemies under orders from President Amanda Waller (Penny Johnson Jerald). 

Justice League: Gods and Monsters takes DC Animation's "not necessarily, if at all, for kids" style and pushes it even further. With the League basically remorseless killing machines, the violence level is higher than ever. Wholesale slaughter is the League's M.O., but their mysterious enemies are even worse. Gods and Monsters doesn't shy away from depicting animals and even children gruesomely massacred. And yet, when all is said and done, Gods and Monsters takes on a surprisingly hopeful tone as Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman, the most powerful and feared beings on Earth, choose to take up a position against killing in the future. It turns out gods and monsters can learn, grow, and change in Gods and Monsters. Maybe that S on Superman's belt buckle does mean "hope" after all.

The Death of Superman Lives: What Happened?

THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN LIVES: WHAT HAPPENED?

** SPOILERS **

In 1998, no one at Warner Brothers Pictures really believed a man could fly. Writer-director Jon Schnepp's documentary The Death of Superman Lives: What Happened? investigates the events that lead to the kiboshing of one of superhero cinema's most intriguing and legendary movies that was never made: Superman Lives, which was to be directed by Tim Burton and star Nicolas Cage as the Man of Steel. On a personal note, as someone who dreaded an idiosyncratic Tim Burton interpretation of Superman and was always glad Superman Lives never got off the ground, I went into watching The Death of Superman Lives under the impression this would be a mockumentary celebrating the folly of the creative types who were en route to making a Super debacle that ultimately was foiled by the wise executives at Warner Bros. This was the impression I held of this failed project for over a decade. Instead, Schnepp's documentary earnestly explores the creative vision behind Superman Lives (Schnepp announces on the outset he'd been honestly intrigued by Superman Lives from the minute he'd heard about it) and argues effectively that Superman Lives' demise, however the movie might have turned out, was ultimately everyone's loss.

The Death of Superman Lives takes us on the Way Back Machine to the go-go '90's: following the failure of the final Christopher Reeve Superman movie in 1987 and the blockbuster successes of Tim Burton's 1989 Batman and the best-selling 1992 DC Comics series "The Death of Superman," Warner Bros. sought to use the comics' story to revitalize the Superman movie franchise. Enter controversial Batman producer Jon Peters, who rather brilliantly acquired the rights to produce a Superman movie, and writer-director-fanboy Kevin Smith. Smith would go on to a very successful public speaking career reiterating the stories of his involvement in Superman Lives: how he crafted a comic geek's dream "fan fiction"-like screenplay with cameos from Batman and the appearance of a "Thanagarian snare beast" (nee a giant spider) to appease the creative demands of Peters. When director Burton came on board to helm the project, Smith and his screenplay were the first to go, as Burton brought in his own people, including writer Wesley Strick and later writer Dan Gilroy, to execute his uniquely personal vision for Superman: that the Man of Steel was an alien outsider riddled by anxiety and questions about his abilities and his place in the world. All the creatives involved seemed to be excited that Nicolas Cage, then a recent Best Actor Oscar-winner for Leaving Las Vegas, was the unlikely choice cast as Superman, citing that the controversial casting of Michael Keaton as Batman in 1988 worked wonders, hence lightning would strike twice again with weary audiences. (All are also glad that the Internet and today's culture of instant online hating was nascent or non-existent at the time.)

Schnepp manages to interview all the major players involved with Superman Lives, save Cage, who appears in archival interviews and fascinating footage of costume fittings where he wears the various Super suits as he and Burton verbally work out their takes on the Superman and Clark Kent characters. Schnepp secured plenty of quality time interviewing producer Peters and director Burton, who are both eccentric in their own unique ways. Whatever fault one finds with their visions for Superman, Burton and Peters, however, were both passionate champions of this project and both were ultimately hurt and terribly disappointed when the movie didn't go forward after millions were spent on pre-production. Talks of casting lead to some interesting discrepancies: Chris Rock was a unanimous choice to play Jimmy Olsen, Burton favored Christopher Walken over Jim Carrey as Brainiac, and Burton openly scoffed at Peters' preference of Sandra Bullock as Lois Lane. Some terrific animation gives us the sense of what key scenes might have looked like, including a Lois and Clark date and a confrontation between Superman and the villain Brainiac's rather cool-looking Skull Ship in space. 

With no actors to interview, Schnepp instead spends a great deal of time speaking to the visual effects artists and wizards who came on board early in the process to design the look, props, and costumes of Superman Lives. The running time of the documentary is padded with a terrific amount of detail regarding how the various Superman suits were designed and constructed, what Krypton would have looked like visually, and an intriguing character called "K," which would have served as a major character in the movie: a guardian of sorts for Cage's Superman that would become his new, very 90's-style, sleek black Superman suit after Superman is resurrected. Late in the documentary come the money visuals: concept art of Superman battling Doomsday. It's fascinating to see the multiple versions of Doomsday and also Brainiac the various artists designed, taking their cues from Burton's "crude," in his own words, early drawings. For some reason, spiders were simply vitally, vitally important in Superman Lives. (Later, to Kevin Smith's chagrin, Peters would indeed get his giant spider in the box office failure Wild Wild West.) 

What killed Superman Lives? Ultimately, the conclusion reached, it was money and fear. Warner Bros. was mired in a disastrous slate of bombs at that point in the late 90s (including expensive stinkers like Sphere). Tim Burton's Superman Lives, with its way, way out there visual aesthetics and a ballooning $300-million price tag, was a frightening proposition to the executives at Warner Bros. To their credit, Burton and Peters seemed to have fought hard to keep their green light. (This dispels another personal belief I held for some reason, that Burton didn't really want to make Superman Lives. Turns out he still, to this day, desires to see his Superman vision on the big screen, even if he never has quite figured Superman out.) One could argue that the team Peters and Burton assembled didn't really understand Superman; unlike today, where verisimilitude to the comic book source material has proven to reap dividends of money and public acclaim, in the late 1990's, it was a source of pride to not be associated with comic books and to try to "reinvent" comic book superheroes for the big screen. However, by spending quality time with the talented and ultimately well-meaning filmmakers who spent months designing Superman Lives, The Death of Superman Lives' greatest superpower turns out to be changing the mind of someone like me, who was long glad Superman Lives never saw the light of day. Now, I wish Superman Lives got made. As many in the documentary said, it might have been an epic failure, but it could have been an interesting failure. It could also have been a Superman for all seasons.

Batman vs. Robin

BATMAN VS. ROBIN

** SPOILERS **

The toughest challenge for a costumed billionaire crimefighter isn't so much protecting Gotham City from an endless parade of murderous psychopaths, it's trying to keep his own baby boy from becoming one of those very murderous psychopaths. Batman vs. Robin, a dynamic, triumphant sequel to last year's Son of Batman, continues the coming of age story of the ferocious Damian Wayne (Stuart Allan), 10 year old heir to both the Wayne family fortune and the legacy of Ra's al-Ghul, and the new Robin the Boy Wonder. Since accepting the mantle of Robin, Damian, an arrogant, dangerous, conflicted soul, hasn't had an easy time adapting to his father's brand of justice. "Justice, not vengeance," is the Batman's meme-ready mantra, which he finds drilled in his head and ringing in his ears when he single-handedly uncovers a child kidnapping and mutilation ring and captures a ghastly rouge called the Dollmaker (voiced by Weird Al Yankovic!) Robin stays his hand and his razor sharp batarang from the killing stroke, only to find the Dollmaker sanctioned by a new bird-themed costumed killer in town - the Talon (Jeremy Sisto).

Batman vs. Robin loosely adapts the blockbuster "Court of Owls" storyline from the best selling The New 52 Batman comic series by the dynamic duo of Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo. The most intriguing and successful new addition to the Batman mythos, the Court of Owls are a centuries old secret society nested firmly in Gotham comprised of its wealthiest and most prominent citizens, all of whom, men, women and children, wear pallid owl masks, even when dining or conducting cryogenic experiments in their underground labs. The Court are a legend; thought to merely be a nursery rhyme used to scare young children, but they are in fact very real -- and have been secretly controlling Gotham's fate since the city was raised. It seems Bruce Wayne (Jason O'Mara) is the only wealthy son of Gotham who'd been unaware the Court actually existed before now, when the Court kidnaps him and finally offers him a mask of his own, not suspecting Wayne prefers bat masks to bird masks. Wayne plants a tracking device in the mask to later locate the Court's nest, but it really doesn't seem necessary -- if you want to find the Court of Owls, you can start by scoping out the sinister mansion on the outskirts of Gotham with the owl statues all over it. 

Little does Wayne suspect the Talon, one of the Court's private army of assassins, has plans to steal his son Damian away and recruit him as his own sidekick, since, you know, the kid's both an amazing warrior and already dressed like a bird. The Talon sees a lot of himself in Damian; all the best assassins have daddy issues, and the Talon explains he himself was once apprentice to a master thief, his father, whom he didn't see eye to eye with. The Talon also balks at the Court's plan to kill and then cryogenically freeze him, ready to be resurrected at their whim to do their killing. Can't blame Talon there. After Batman is overwhelmed and nearly killed by the Court of Owls and Robin ultimately rejects his offer to become the less catchy team of Talon and Robin, the Talon decides to go on a rampage and massacres the mighty Court himself. This would seem to solve Batman's Owl problems, but Talon unleashes an even bigger one when he releases the dozens of other Talon assassins on an assault on Wayne Manor and the Batcave. This rousing sequence is straight out of the comics (though smaller in scope than the all-out attack on Gotham that utilized the entire Bat family of characters). Batman, Alfred, and Nightwing (Sean Maher) engage in a brutal battle against the Talons where Batman dons a giant suit of Bat armor that would make Tony Stark call his lawyers.

Despite all the owl madness, the focus of Batman vs. Robin is strongly on Damian Wayne and the external and internal battle for his betterment. Damian does fight his father mano e boy wonder-o as the movie's title implies and it's fascinating to see both Damian overcome the Batman and Batman's strategies on how to physically handle someone of Damian's size and capabilities without harming his son. Damian threatens to strike out on his own more than once, but always by keeping the suit and weapons his father gave him. Batman vs. Robin continues the DC Animation push for more adult fare in these animated movies. The violence is ultra - we see Batman and Nightwing repeatedly stabbed bloody, the Court of Owls hacked to bits (even the little children in the Court), and even the Talon's demise is a sai to the throat that would make Elektra from Marvel Comics nod with satisfaction. There's even a little sprinkling of sexual innuendo when Dick Grayson practically pops a boner on the phone with "Kory" (Starfire from the Titans) over which thong she's wearing. The animation is stunning, especially every time the Batmobile is in play, whether roaring through Gotham's streets or being used as a battering ram against the armored Batman. Bruce doesn't really overcome his deficiencies as a father to Damian, who ultimately chooses a path that echoes the one Bruce ventured on to become Batman. Though the boy could save the future of Gotham or be its demise, Batman vs. Robin finds rays of hope for Damian Wayne. He's the Robin we deserve, but maybe not the one we need right now...

I, too, am a member of the Court of Owls.
Seen here with their creator Scott Snyder at San Diego Comic Con 2013

Locke

LOCKE 

** SPOILERS **

We've all had car rides from hell, but Ivan Locke's (Tom Hardy) takes the cake when it comes to someone's life careening out of control while behind the wheel. Locke is a tidy, efficient character piece involving the gimmick of the entire movie taking place inside the car as Tom Hardy drives and takes numerous phone calls. A construction manager making a two hour commute into London, Locke is inundated with calls to and from the following: 1) his bosses and drunken minion at work, fretting over the concrete pour the next morning for the new high rise they're building, 2) a woman Locke slept with once (he emphasizes this happened only once) and doesn't particularly care for who is about to give birth to his illegitimate child, 3) his children expecting him to come home to watch football with them, 4) his wife ( voiced by Ruth Wilson), who just learned the details of item 2.

As Locke's fateful drive commences, he rues the reality that has set in; when he got in his car, he had a wife, a home, a well-paying job, and by the time he reaches London, he has lost all of those things. One almost wishes for Locke to ignore some of those calls and listen to the radio or perhaps an audio book, but his decisions and the domino effect they created would still persist. Locke himself struggles with what kind of person he truly is and nurses resentment towards the father who abandoned him; this serves to explain his dogged determination to present himself as the father to his child being born, even as his family life crumbles miles away and his professional life follows suit. Writer-director Stephen Knight maintains a grim, relentless pace, never letting up on Locke until the final moments where there's nothing left but the glimmer of redemption from his children. Locke is a contained, coiled tour de force for Hardy. He certainly had more fun as Bane driving the Batmobile around Gotham.

John Wick

JOHN WICK

** SPOILERS **

The Best Supporting Puppy Oscar for 2014 goes to John Wick's adorable beagle. Really, every other award is rendered irrelevant. In John Wick, a darker, angrier Keanu Reeves returns to his Matrix action form as the titular character, a retired, recently widowed Russian bratva assassin. His late wife (Bridget Moynahan) gifts John Wick the most incredible little beagle, shining a light in John Wick's mourning heart. Then the spoiled, idiot son (Alfie Allen from Game of Thrones) of his former boss (Michael Nyquist) tries to steal his car and kills his beloved dog, setting off a chain of bloody, ultra violent events as John Wick goes on the warpath. Until John Wick unfolds, you never even knew you wanted to see a vengeful Neo go all out to hunt down and murder Theon Greyjoy. Ramsay Snow would reek of envy.

When John Wick declares war on his former bratva, the movie plunges us into a the shadow world of Russian organized crime in New York City. We move through the places we never knew existed, such as the hotel run by Ian McShane and concierge Lance Reddick from The Wire, which has particularly strict rules about no "business" conducted on its premises. There's also the gloriously decadent nightclub with underground neon pools that John Wick shoots up while trying to shoot up Allen. Meanwhile, Nyquist puts a bounty on John Wick's head, with fellow professionals Willem DaFoe and Adrianne Palicki coming to collect, guns blazing. The slew of terrific actors keep coming; John Leguizamo, Clarke Peters also from The Wire, and even WWE's Kevin Nash pop in to help or hinder John Wick respectively. Through it all, Keanu hits action highs he hasn't achieved in fifteen years, ripping apart the Russian mafia in a brazenly entertaining ballet of gunfire, car chases, and righteous fury. Don't ever, ever harm John Wick's dog is the moral of the story. The Russians learned this lesson the hard way, as the audience watching John Wick giddily go, "Whoa!"

Justice League: Throne of Atlantis

JUSTICE LEAGUE: THRONE OF ATLANTIS

** SPOILERS **

The Justice League meets Game of Thrones in Justice League: Throne of Atlantis and it isn't all wet. Following up last year's Justice League: War, which introduced a younger, rawer The New 52 Animated Universe version of the World's Greatest Superheroes, this time Superman (voiced by Jerry O'Connell), Batman (Jason O'Mara), Wonder Woman (Rosario Dawson), and their super friends encounter a challenge from beneath the deep blue seas. Throne of Atlantis plunges us into the origin of Aquaman (Matt Lanter), a boozing, orphaned, superpowered lighthouse keeper who has no idea he is destined to become the King of the Seven Seas. Aquaman finds out in rapid-fire fashion who he is and how he came to be heir to the throne of the undersea kingdom of Atlantis when he and the League are swept up in the nefarious schemes of Aquaman's ruthless, pure-blooded half brother Orm (Sam Witwer), the self-styled Ocean Master, who wants to rule Atlantis and destroy the surface world. 

Adapted from the comic series penned by Geoff Johns and also incorporating elements from Johns' "Aquaman" comic series, Throne of Atlantis reveals that Aquaman is the "son of two worlds." He was born to Atlanna (Sirena Irwin), the princess of Atlantis, who came to Mercy Reef, Maine when "she was very young," and fell in love with Thomas Curry, a guy who owned a lighthouse. After their son Arthur was born, Atlanna bailed on her surface family to take her place as Queen of Atlantis and speak all of her dialogue in loud, haughty royal exposition. Arthur never seemed to realize he has gills and can breathe underwater and didn't bother to find out why he has super strength and endurance until, as an adult, he started getting attacked by armored soldiers from the sea and humanoid fish monsters from "the Trench." Arthur also never questioned why his best friend was a lobster whom he could communicate with. Yes, Aquaman can talk to and command fish, and it's an awesome power, shut up. Aquaman is aided by his new hot redheaded Atlantean bodyguard Mera (Sumalee Montano), who is destined to be his bride, and boy, did those two not waste any time seeking that destiny.

Meanwhile, the Justice League is a team in name only, not having officially assembled since they repelled the invasion by Darkseid in the previous movie. Superman and Wonder Woman start to get romantic, commiserating as only two lonely demigods can, going on dates in Greek diners while incognito wearing glasses. ("I can't believe this works!" Wonder Woman gasps. Neither can logic.) Cyborg (Shemar Moore) also has sparks flying with his STAR Labs assistant. The more juvenile members of the League like Shazam (Sean Astin) and Green Lantern (Nathan Fillion) find all this mushy stuff kinda icky pants. There's a retread of one of the most unwelcome aspects of Justice League: War where Green Lantern again makes an ass out of himself interfering in one of Batman's Gotham investigations, but it is kept to a minimum this time around. The Flash (Christopher Gorham) is in this movie too, by the way, but he doesn't contribute much to this mission besides some cool super speed action. Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen also get in some screen time and for some extra fan service, there's a cameo by John Henry Irons, setting up his inspiration to becoming the armored, sledgehammer swinging Steel. Superman and Batman also set aside some time to do a team up detective side mission where Superman bristles at Batman's condescension. "I am an investigative reporter, you know," Superman reminds Batman, who bizarrely retorts, "Journalism's dead."

When the Justice League does hit the water with Aquaman, they find themselves immersed in Game of Thrones-lite Atlantean family politics, complete with the alien, the space cop, the robot, the boy who says the magic word, etc. scoffing at how "impossible" it is Atlantis exists. Orm, with help from armored pirate Black Manta (Harry Lennix), who somehow is assumed to have the ability to open diplomatic negotiations -- with the Justice League, mind you, not with any government or the UN -- decides to stab his mother in the back, literally, and take the throne of Atlantis for himself. Orm immediately leads an invasion of the surface world, Metropolis, specifically. (The invasion is considerably scaled down from how multiple cities, including Metropolis, Gotham, and Boston were attacked by Atlantis in the comics, and the mighty tidal wave Orm raises is purely for show. Orm hardly brings a massive army with him either; just a few dozen soldiers and some vehicles.) What ultimately drowns Orm's short, eventful reign as king of Atlantis is his big blabber mouth. Cyborg recorded him bragging about killing his mother and seeing that footage is enough to make the Atlantean forces lay down their arms and turn on their new king. What's utterly bizarre is Aquaman's speech about how they should all accept him as their king, because he's their "beacon of hope." Mind you, these Atlanteans had no idea who Aquaman was or that he even existed before that moment. Plus Aquaman immediately starts making out with Mera in front of the troops. But sure, he's the king, now, whatever, let's go home. No punishment for attacking Metropolis!

And yet, Throne of Atlantis marks an improvement over the previous Justice League installment. The superhero action is entertaining and at its best can be summed up in five words: Superman. Fights. Giant. Sea. Monster. When unleashed against the cannibalistic creatures from the Trench, the Justice League gives no quarter, not even Batman, whose "no killing" rule apparently doesn't apply to sea monsters, judging from how he explodes them with missiles from his Batplane. While Wonder Woman and Mera engage in sword-to-trident combat with the Atlantean soldiers, Green Lantern uses his Power Ring to whip up a nifty giant robot to vacuum up those pesky fish folk. Cyborg's famed white noise cannon works wonders against Atlanteans, but if one has questions about just how much white noise would affect the equilibrium of people who are aquatic -- move along, there's more punching to be done. The single best moment of Throne of Atlantis validates how great Aquaman's power to talk to fish is via how he uses it to end Black Manta (Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea can relate.) The infuriating characterizations and interplay between the Leaguers is toned down; all of the superheroes come off as reasonably more competent and less insufferable than they did in Justice League: War. In the end, Aquaman is both installed as King of Atlantis and joins the Justice League, as he must. He certainly boasts the necessary trapezius muscles to be in this Justice League. The heroes decide to make being the world's greatest super team a more permanent thing, and for the best reasons possible, because they - and we - don't want to miss "whatever weird thing" happens next.

Chef

CHEF

** SPOILERS **

What's truly important in life? What can't we live without? Family. Food. Social media. Well, not that last one, but even Jon Favreau eventually realizes its usefulness after letting Twitter nearly ruin him. Chef, written and directed by Jon Favreau now free of the weight and clang of Marvel's Iron Man armor, is one of the sweetest -- and most mouthwatering -- movies I've seen in a long time. As disgruntled Chef Carl Casper (@ChefCarlCasper), Favreau blows a steady but uninspired career as chef de cuisine for respected LA restauranteur Dustin Hoffman after a Twitter flame war with food critic Oliver Platt. Without prospects to get back in a kitchen, Favreau reluctantly begins to rebuild his career, accepting help from his ex-wife Sofia Vergara and her ex-husband Robert Downey, Jr. to operate a food truck ("El Jefe") selling Cubano sandwiches in Miami.

Most importantly, Favreau accepts his estranged young son Emjay Anthony and begins training him as a cook, with help from his trusty sidekick John Leguizamo. What follows is a predictable but utterly charming and heartwarming story of a father and son reconnecting on a cross country journey back to LA as Favreau imparts his knowledge and love of food, sometimes gruffly, and Anthony secretly aids his father's cause with an understanding and mastery of social media any modern child today possesses. Along the way, Chef serves up absolutely succulent-looking food porn, overseen by Favreau's culinary mentor Chef Roy Choi. One needs to merely overlook Favreau (who amusingly takes a few shots at his now husky physique) casting knockouts Vergara as his incredibly supportive ex-wife and Scarlett Johansson as his incredibly supportive girlfriend as the more unrealistic parts of his movie. Rather, relish the love on display in Chef, both in the kitchen with Favreau cooking incredible food, and between the characters, relearning the joys and importance of family. Chef is a wonder in and out of the kitchen. Now, let me at one of those Cubanos!

Batman: Assault on Arkham

BATMAN: ASSAULT ON ARKHAM

** SPOILERS **

Set in the continuity of the best-selling and excellent Batman: Arkham video game series, it's good to be bad in Batman: Assault on Arkham. Except no, it really isn't. It's horrible. For in the DC Universe, if you're a B-list or C-list supervillain, you may just have the unfortunate distinction of being suddenly drugged and unwillingly drafted into the Suicide Squad. The Batman himself is largely relegated to the shadows as the Suicide Squad takes center stage in Assault on Arkham. Coerced by fearsome super spy Amanda Waller (depicted here in all her preferred pre-New 52 glory as a heavy set black woman deserving of her nickname "The Wall," and not a svelte super model as in current continuity), the Suicide Squad are comprised of not-exactly household name arch criminals like Captain Boomerang, King Shark, the Black Spider, and Killer Frost. The most famous name in the Squad is Harley Quinn, in full loveable psycho mode. Even moreso than Batman, master assassin Deadshot emerges as the true star of Assault on Arkham, an honorable killer and loving but deadbeat dad burdened with trying to corral this gathering of psychos.

Under penalty of having their heads literally blown clean off their bodies via a nano bomb implanted in their necks, the Suicide Squad's mission is to break into Gotham's Arkham Asylum and steal the Riddler's cane, which houses a thumb drive containing the identities of every past and future member of the Suicide Squad. If that sounds exactly like the plot of the first Tom Cruise Mission: Impossible, it's because it is. One guesses the Suicide Squad never saw Mission: Impossible.* As one would predict from this gaggle of do-badders, things go FUBAR right from the get-go. Complicating matters is the Batman, hunting for a dirty bomb belonging to the Joker that will demolish Gotham in a nuclear holocaust, and the Joker himself, on the loose and working out his sordid relationship issues with Harley Quinn. Double crosses and gruesome deaths galore is the viewer's reward in this envelope-pushing PG-13 cartoon, along with a surprising amount of curse words and quite a bit of eyebrow-raising nudity from both Harley Quinn and Killer Frost. The voice work is uniformly excellent, with Kevin Conroy returning as the voice of Batman, Troy Baker nicely invoking Mark Hamill as the Joker, Hynden Walch delighting as Harley Quinn, and Neal McDonough delivering a cool, unflappable Deadshot. The quality of DC Animated movies has been touch and go in the post-Bruce Timm/Paul Dini years, but the brutal, ultraviolent, uncomfortably funny and even more uncomfortably sexy Batman: Assault on Arkham blows away recent entries like Justice League: War.

* There are some great Easter Egg homages to Batman Returns and The Dark Knight for the sharp-eyed.

#Batman #AssaultonArkham counts: Harley Quinn nude: 2 Killer Frost nude: 1 Sex scenes: 1 "Shit!" said: 2 Batman shocks someone's nuts: 1
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) July 31, 2014

Pompeii

POMPEII

** SPOILERS **

Jon Snow Vs. The Volcano

Pompeii is a cross between Romeo and Juliet, Gladiator, and The Day After Tomorrow, in which the love story of a rich Pompeiian girl and a studly gladiator slave is rudely interrupted by, in this order, Jack Bauer and an apolcalyptic volcanic eruption that annihilates life in the picturesque Italian coastal town of Pompeii. Kit Harrington (Jon Snow from Game of Thrones) is the gladiator, the lone survivor of a Celtic tribe of horse whisperers decimated by Roman legions lead by Kiefer Sutherland in Britannia. Harrington grew up to become a formidable gladiator prized by his fat Roman slave master and sent to Pompeii to main event their annual festival's gladiator games against the reigning champion Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Mr. Eko from Lost now mega buff and playing the Djimon Hounsou role from Gladiator). Along the way, handsome Harrington caught the eye of wealthy, willfull Emily Browning, who unfortunately is the apple of Sutherland's eye. Sutherland is now a powerful senator perpetually amused by doing whatever evil thing crosses his mind every second.

Somehow, Pompeii manages to be a movie about the famed volcanic destruction of that town while never actually identifying said volcano. In Pompeii, Mt. Vesuvius is only referred to as "the mountain." The mountain also plays by the tried and true movie rules laid down by the shark from Jaws and more recently, Godzilla, by only making fleeting and ominous appearances for most of the movie before finally getting some action in the third act. The mountain does thoughtfully pause its eruptions and raining of fireballs from the sky to accommodate romantic plot points and sword fights by the leads. By the time the mountain all out blows its stack, the romantic triangle between Harrington, Browning, and Sutherland has sparked copious amounts of swordplay, violence, and murders. Then the volcano destroys everyone else Sutherland and Harrington didn't kill. Harrington, called "the Celt" or "slave" by everyone in the movie, also closely guards his real name; Browning never even finds out what her buff intended's name is (Milo). Pompeii, if nothing else, should have riffed from Casablanca and included the line that the problems of two kids don't amount to a hill of beans in this world, especially when that hill of beans is a volcano wiping out everyone and everything in Pompeii.

Son of Batman

SON OF BATMAN

** SPOILERS **

He's a real son of a bat, that Damian Wayne. Based upon Grant Morrison's 2006 story "Batman and Son," Son of Batman introduces Bruce Wayne's dangerous little bastard into the DC Animated Universe. Damian, a name perhaps too on the nose, is the child of Bruce Wayne (voiced by Jason O'Mara) and his estranged beloved, the voluptuous international terrorist Talia al Ghul (voiced by Morena Baccarin). The details of their union are sketchy, but Bruce Wayne and Talia did the nasty-in-the-past-y (after Talia spiked Bruce's drink), and the product of her dark night with the Dark Knight is a son. Ten years old when Son of Batman begins, Damian (voiced by Stuart Allen) is a violent and deadly boy assassin trained to be the heir to his grandfather Ra's al Ghul's League of Assassins. 

Damian is a young boy who is intended to inherit a global network of ninja murderers based out of Himalayan monasteries. But when the League is attacked by Slade Wilson - Deathstroke - and Ra's is killed (Talia is so sure he's dead, she nonsensically doesn't even try to dump her father's body in the adjacent Lazarus Pit to see what happens), Talia brings Damian to Gotham City so he can get to know his other inheritance: the high tech, crime fighting legacy of the Batman. How lucky can one little rich kid get? Actually, Damian is less enthused with the Wayne side of his family. His father only has one servant! Alfred, whom Damian dismissively orders around as "Pennyworth," is equally unimpressed with the young new master of Wayne Manor. The most laughs in Son of Batman are gleaned from Alfred's weary interactions with Damian. Also funny is Damian's evaluation of Dick Grayson and his original Robin costume ("a little effeminate"). Damian thinks the same of Grayson himself. Sharp kid.

Damian loved and admired his grandfather, but Batman calls Ra's (pronounced here as "Raysch" al Ghul and voiced by Giancarlo Esposito) a madman. They're both right. Seeking to avenge his grandfather's murder, Damian and his reluctant father are drawn into a ridiculous plot by R'as involving the creation of an "unstoppable" army of flying man-bat ninjas that "no army would withstand." Uh huh. We do have nuclear weapons, but flying mutated bat ninjas, sure. Deathstroke appropriated this plot as his own when he killed R'as. Son of Batman hardly does Deathstroke justice. Instead of the superpowered international mercenary and master tactician Slade Wilson is in the comics, Son of Batman re-imagines Deathstroke (voiced by Thomas Gibson) as the jealous former heir to the League, cast aside by Ra's when Talia met Bruce Wayne and sired a son. Deathstroke seems to be jealous of both Batman and Damian for subsequently taking his spot in the League. In Son of Batman, Deathstroke gets his ass handed to him by a ten year old boy. In fact, it's Damian who takes his right eye by sticking it with the pointy end of his sword.

From Batman ripping off Killer Croc's prehensile tail to Damian - now the new Robin the Boy Wonder - interrupting Deathstroke's henchman Ubu's night with some of Gotham's finest prostitutes with murderous intentions, Son of Batman doesn't skimp on the crazy. The limitations of animation means Son of Batman doesn't delve too deeply into the various emotional complexities of what it truly means for Bruce Wayne to suddenly have a son or for Damian to meet his father. Son of Batman is a brisk 74 minutes and is primarily concerned with the absurd man-bat (men-bat?) plot and acts of bloody vengeance with swords. If you crave ultra-violence and questionable dialogue in a story about a ten year old kid who learns his father is Batman, Son of Batman will slake your thirst.

Short Term 12

SHORT TERM 12

** SPOILERS **

The stunning, remarkable Short Term 12 stars a radiant Brie Larson as the supervisor of a residential treatment facility for homeless and abused teens. She was once one of these kids; Larson is tight lipped about her past involving her imprisoned father soon to be released on parole, and she's also hiding her pregnancy from her co-worker and boyfriend John Gallagher, Jr (almost unrecognizable from The Newsroom). Though the eyes of their uncertain new colleague Rami Malek, we experience first hand what life is like for these children living in Short Term 12, each nursing deep emotional and psychological wounds, each prone to lash out and hurt themselves or each other at a moment's notice, and what a difficult toll it takes on Larson, Gallagher, Malek, and their colleague Stephanie Beatriz (playing completely opposite from Detective Rosa Mendez in Brooklyn Nine-Nine) to be their supervisors. Though the rules are Larson and her team are "not their parents, not their therapists," and are only there "to provide a safe environment," Larson's ability to be impartial is put to the test when Kaitlyn Dever arrives in Short Term 12. A sullen artist who was emotionally and physically abused by her alcoholic father, Larson sees a mirror image of herself in Dever, which forces her to confront her own lifelong trauma. Short Term 12 is a rare gem where the characters feel thoroughly real; they speak, relate to each other, and feel genuine hurt and pain and palpable joys. The moments where one of the most troubled of the teens, Keith Stanfield, expresses his sorrow in a rap, and Devers explains her lifetime of abuse to Larson vis a self-penned children's story are incredibly moving. Short Term 12 is a fantastic achievement by writer-director Dusten Cretton, honest, real, and raw. As for Brie Larson, she would have Jennifer Lawrence's career if Jennifer Lawrence didn't exist, but Brie Larson's career is pretty great. Short Term 12 is kind of like The Hunger Games, if the traumatized Tributes of Panem were housed in a group home overseen by Gale and Katniss Everdeen.

Justice League: War

JUSTICE LEAGUE: WAR

** SPOILERS **

War is Bad

Justice League for Dummies might as well be what Justice League: War is titled, though perhaps Justice League as Dummies is even more appropriate. Justice League: War launches the rebooted New 52 era of DC Animation, as Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, et al meet each other for the first time and band together to fight off an alien invasion. Adapted from the best selling comic book series "Origin," by Geoff Johns and Jim Lee, itself no bastion of sophisticated storytelling, War follows the mandate of making the Justice League younger and raw, as prone to fighting amongst themselves as they are battling the Parademon hordes of the evil Darkseid. They're the World's Greatest Superheroes in potential only; Batman is the sole hero presented as competent as ever, the only relative adult in the group. Everyone else seems like they fell off the back of the short bus.

Justice League: War follows the basic plot of the comic book: Batman (voiced by Jason O'Mara) and the staggeringly arrogant and idiotic Green Lantern (Justin Kirk) hunt down a Parademon in Gotham City, quickly determining it's an alien invader, which leads them to Metropolis and the most famous alien in the world, Superman (Alan Tudyk). More following the tradition of Marvel Comics where the superheroes first fight and then team up (the overall story is similar to the final act of Marvel's The Avengers, though "Origins'" publication does predate the Joss Whedon blockbuster), the Justice Leaguers gradually come together as Darkseid launches his full invasion of Earth. Wonder Woman (Michelle Monaghan), the Flash (Christopher Gorham), Shazam (Sean Astin), and Cyborg (Shemar Moore) join the fray in short order, bickering with each other as they rip Parademons to shreds and combine their powers to battle Darkseid (Steve Blum).

The screenplay is embarrassing, with its dubious efforts to make the Justice League "edgy" and "cool." Within seconds of introducing Wonder Woman, a character says she dresses like "a whore." When she confronts her accuser, her Lasso of Truth reveals he secretly cross dresses like Wonder Woman because it's empowering. Wonder Woman agrees that her uniform is indeed empowering. The very next scene Wonder Woman appears, someone hollers at her calling her a "bimbo." Not that Wonder Woman is depicted as particularly admirable; in War, she is a sword-swinging, bloodthirsty simpleton who has never tried ice cream before. Cyborg is a self-pitying whiner with serious daddy issues. Superman is hardly an inspirational champion of inherent goodness; he's a Heat Vision-first, punch-second bruiser with no brains who tries to carve Batman in half with his laser beams the first time they meet. (Superman also chokes Desaad to death later in the movie in a forehead-slapping ode to Man of Steel.) Shazam is probably the worst of them all; his childish alter ego Billy Batson is a lying, obnoxious thief, and when he magically transforms into The World's Mightiest Mortal, he sounds and acts like a drunken college kid at the local sports tavern. But no, Green Lantern is still the bottom of the barrel, by far the most insipid and infuriating of these "heroes," hardly worthy of the responsibility of being a police man who "protects the entire universe."

Action is the viewer's reward for wading through the extent of Justice League: War. With countless Parademons Boom Tubing their way to Earth, there are ample opponents for the Justice Leaguers to tear asunder, incinerate and eviscerate. The full range of the superheroes' superpowers are on display, and when Darkseid (grotesquely redesigned and sporting a Mohawk that makes him resemble a stone-faced Mr. T) arrives on Earth to do battle with the League, no one holds back in the savagery department. The Justice League's master plan to defeat Darkseid is, I shit you not, poke his eyes out with Wonder Woman's sword so he can't shoot Omega beams from his eyes anymore. When the Justice League stops talking, i.e. behaving like 8 year olds playing with their action figures, and starts fighting (like 8 year olds playing with their action figures), the action has entertaining moments. (Though for a more satisfying fight on all levels against Darkseid, see his smackdown with Superman and Supergirl in 2010's Superman/Batman: Apocalypse.) Watching the Justice League fight is the only passable enjoyment gleaned from Justice League: War. Best to watch the Justice League wage war with the sound off.

Zack Snyder, David Goyer, and Warner Bros. Pictures, whatever you do when you make your Justice League feature film, please don't do this.

The Wolverine

THE WOLVERINE

** SPOILERS **

"There's always pain," explains Wolverine to Yashida, a young Japanese officer whose life he saved while a prisoner during World War II. Both for Wolverine, someone whose mutant powers of healing is triggered by pain, and for fans of his movies, pain is a thing to endure. A superior follow up to the miserable dreck of X-Men Origins: Wolverine and a sequel to the putrid X-Men: The Last Stand, James Mangold's The Wolverine is a splendidly photographed, more accomplished motion picture than those two predecessors. There are sublime homages to the films of Wong Kar-Wai and Ridley Scott, and yet The Wolverine still leaves one feeling brain dead as if shot in the skull with an adamantium bullet.

Wolverine was present during the bombing of Nagasaki, stuck in a well and forced to reveal himself as a mutant to his captor Yashida. This act of heroism turned out to have major ramifications for Japan. Yashida (Hal Yamanouchi) went on to become that nation's richest and most powerful industrialist. Now on his high tech death bed, Yashida summons Wolverine from the cave in the wilds of Northern Canada he was living in to Tokyo, offering to use his technology to rid Wolverine of his mutant healing factor, and thus the "curse" of immortality and being forced to continue on after all your loved ones die. Wolverine impolitely refuses and soon finds himself embroiled in a bizarre power struggle involving Yashida's ignoble son Shingen (Hiroyuki Sanada), his granddaughter Mariko, a corrupt politician, the Yakuza, and a cadre of ninjas called the Black Clan. An assassination attempt on Mariko, the chosen heir to the Yashida empire, sends Wolverine into Protection Mode, and sends the movie into a cycle of repetition: Wolverine and Mariko run, she gets kidnapped, he saves her, she gets kidnapped again, he saves her, she gets kidnapped again, he saves her again.

Every Japanese with a Y chromosome hates Wolverine on sight and tries to kill him, usually while calling him a "gai-jin." Naturally, the two Japanese with X chromosomes in the movie take a shine to Wolverine: Yukio (Rila Fukushima), a cheerful sprite of a deadly warrior who can see the future, and the radiant Mariko (Tao Okamoto), who takes her time falling for Wolverine, though fall for him she must, as Mariko is one of Wolverine's great loves in the comics. Unfortunately, Wolverine is haunted by the Phoenix Force Ghost of his other great love Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), who appears whenever he falls asleep and urges him to shuffle off his mortal coil and join her in the Great Beyond of Sexytime. "Who is Jean?" Mariko repeatedly asks Wolverine, who cries out in his sleep every night. Though he honors her with no answers, Wolverine still pops a bone claw in Mariko's loins, but he isn't so devoted that he decides not to bail out of Japan on the first corporate jet available. Yukio and Wolverine's Marvel Team Up sequences are the most fun and energetic, but Yukio is disappointingly benched for half the movie while Wolverine lengthily absconds with Mariko. The Wolverine's super villainess, the Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova), is a green suited, acid-tongued cypher. In a movie where everything the evil Japanese are doing is confusing, the evil white mutant lady's motivations for why she does anything she does are the most inscrutable of all.

The Wolverine's main novelty beyond the exotic Japan setting is denying Wolverine his greatest asset, his mutant healing factor, for most of the movie. Apparently, a tentacled robot thingie grappled to his heart can suppress a mutant's powers. Now "vulnerable," or as vulnerable as Wolverine can be while still possessing a skeleton grafted with adamantium and deadly razor sharp claws, Wolverine is shot and stabbed repeatedly, suffering every injury without his usual insta-fix-it. This really does a number on Wolverine's swagger; he's a limping, bleeding, shell of himself for most of the movie. Wolverine performing open heart surgery on himself to destroy the tentacled robot thingie while Yukio has a samurai sword fight with Shingen is probably the most bonzo bananas action sequence in any X-Men movie thus far. Even after his healing factor is returned to him, Wolverine reveals he's no tactical genius -- stomping into a trap laid by dozens of ninjas with no plan and getting captured. The Wolverine later neuters Wolverine again by eliminating his adamantium claws, though he does regenerate the bone claws beneath the metal.

Playing Wolverine for the upteenth time, Hugh Jackman is more chiseled than ever. Apparently, FOX opted not to go with the full title: The Wolverine Takes His Shirt Off Repeatedly. Jackman also has better Wolverine hair than ever, and by now has Wolverine's surly ferocity down cold. The Wolverine forces Wolverine to confront weighty issues like the cost of his seemingly eternal life, his commitment to a world that hates and fears him, his guilt over being forced to kill the insane Jean Grey, and the love of two women, and yet Wolverine remains distant and stoic. He takes perfunctory action when called upon and endures inhuman amounts of punishment, yet there's no passion or burning ember in Wolverine. He's certainly not loquacious. The Wolverine's reveal that his old friend Yashida is in fact the true villain behind all of his troubles, trying to steal his healing factor while wearing a giant Silver Samurai robot suit (the Japanese and their giant robots...), is as cynical as it gets: to Yashida, Wolverine, the man who saved his life, is a commodity to exploit and nothing more. In the requisite Marvel mid-credits scene set two years later, Wolverine meets a resurgent Magneto and an inexplicably alive Charles Xavier, setting up next year's X-Men: Days of Future Past, speaking of commodities to X-ploit.

Now You See Me

NOW YOU SEE ME

** SPOILERS **

Now You See Me openly declares to the audience on the outset that it's out to bamboozle them, so in that regard, it plays fair. An entertaining and wildly implausible - sorry, I mean magical - heist movie about four magicians banded together to pull off incredible crimes, Now You See Me turns out to not really be about that at all. Which it told us on the outset, if we were paying attention. Look, a car chase! Pay attention! It's not what you think it is! (Stuff like that gets irritating after a while.)

We meet the Four Horsemen, as they come to be known. Jesse Eisenberg is their de facto leader, an arrogant, slick-talking illusionist. His former assistant Isla Fisher is a sexy escape artist. Mentalist Woody Harrelson, the disgraced senior member of the group. Finally, there's Dave Franco, an eager street grifter. Eisenberg makes a habit of condescending to Franco, and if you expected that to go somewhere, no, it's a feint. Fisher and Eisenberg clearly have the flash paper hots for each other, but did you expect her to pull his rabbit out of his hat? Nope, that's a feint. Maybe Fisher will end up succumbing to Harrelson's endless sexual innuendos. Hey, look over there! One of the Horsemen is seemingly killed in a car crash, but ha! Fooled you! The others made it seem like they believed their colleague was dead, but no, they knew it was a trick all along.

The Four Horsemen are mysteriously assembled from their piddling lives eking out a living dazzling rubes and agree to work for someone they've never met. A year later, they have the resources to stage the most elaborate magic show in Las Vegas; bigger than David Copperfield or Sigfried and Roy, plus everyone's straight. Their benefactor is corrupt multi-millionaire businessman Michael Caine, who, it turns out, is not the man who brought them together. Caine is more surprised than anyone he's just another mark. During their Vegas performance, the Horsemen somehow rob a bank in France. Or did they? Yes. But how? Ah, you see, that would be telling. Now You See Me does tell us how, and the answer would leave even the Ocean's Eleven crew scratching their heads. The heists and escape that follow, in New Orleans, and New York, become even more hard to swallow. But it's magic.

Mark Ruffalo is the FBI agent assigned to take down the Horsemen, who frustrate him at every turn with their parlor tricks, double talk, and ridiculous agility and fighting prowess. Fighting magicians is almost like fighting Spider-Man, according to Now You See Me. Ruffalo is assigned an unwanted partner from Interpol, the luminous Melanie Laurent, whose presence is a mystery, as is her interest in some sort of secret order of magic called The Eye of Horus. What exactly is she doing on this case? Finally, there is Morgan Freeman, a former famous illusionist himself, who wants to take down the Four Horsemen for his own reasons (money from debunking their act on DVD) and has ties to a legendary magician who died over 30 years ago. You are getting sleeeepy. Pay attention. Especially pay attention when Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman share the screen together, two master actors from The Dark Knight Trilogy reunited.

With all those balls in the air, Now You See Me mostly ignores the interesting characters it introduces in its first act, becoming way more involved in its ludicrous plot and then explaining how it pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. The Four Horsemen get shunted off to the background, turned into pawns, which apparently they were all along, as the movie focuses mainly on Ruffalo hunting them and bringing them to justice. But it was all a ruse! We, the audience, were being played from the beginning. Nothing, and no one, is as it seemed. All of Now You See Me, every absurd, impossible plot development and machination, was part of an elaborate scheme to get at Freeman, who was the real mark all along. The biggest reveal of all, that Ruffalo was the master illusionist behind everything from the very beginning, and everything we saw him do was a deception, feels like the biggest cheat. But then, Now You See Me told us so from the very beginning. So, tah dah! Thank you, you've been a beautiful audience.

Now You See Me should combine its sequel with the Magic Mike sequel: stripper magicians robbing banks.