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Showing posts with label Summer 2010. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Summer 2010. Show all posts

Friday, August 20, 2010

Piranha 3D (*****)

PIRANHA 3D

** SPOILERS **

Piranha 3D cannot be discussed in polite company, and I mean that as a superlative. Boobs! Boobs! Blood! Blood! Piranha 3D has a simple agenda and it fulfills it with a shameless, go-for-broke, anything goes glee that's reprehensible if you're a churl, and yet, frankly honorable. Opening with an homage to Jaws featuring Richard Dreyfuss himself, Piranha 3D freely abandons any lofty aspirations (why would a piranha movie have lofty aspirations?) and dives headlong into copious amounts of viscera-soaked schlock and soft core porn.  An earthquake exposes underground caverns in an Arizona lake that unleashes "thousands" of prehistoric piranhas that had been thought be extinct for two million years. Sheriff Elizabeth Shue and scientist Adam Scott discover the threat of the piranha too late to prevent the alcohol-soaked orgy of scantily clad spring breakers partying at the lake from becoming fish food. Meanwhile Shue's son Steven R. McQueen and the girl he loves, Jessica Szohr, fall under the sway of smarmy, thinly-veiled Joe Francis parody Jerry O'Connell and his harem of delectable porn stars, played gamely by the very bouncy Kelly Brook and Riley Steele. Brook and Steele deserve special Academy Awards for their eye-popping extended skinny dipping sequence, and then the Academy should retire that Oscar after they accept. Character development is non-existent, but Scott and Shue transform into credible action heroes; Scott dispatches piranha with a shotgun (of course) as he zips around on a jet ski, while Shue, in her forties, asserts herself as the sexiest woman in the picture even with all the young bare flesh on display. The way our heroes manage to slay the piranha is a Mythbusters episode waiting to happen. Appearances by Ving Rhames (his pride wasn't fuckin' with him here. Fuck pride!), Christopher Lloyd ("Great Scott!"), Dina Meyer, Paul Scheer, and Eli Roth (who goes down in ghastly fashion) add that extra layer of "Hey, what's (s)he doing here?!", but the real stars are the grotesque CGI piranha and the jaw dropping amounts of carnage on the screen. Piranha 3D's money sequences, especially when the piranha attack and massacre the hundreds of spring breakers in the third act, are a shocking, relentless, unbelievably depraved (in an admirable way) barrage of young bodies being torn apart, flesh being ripped off of faces, piranha bursting through faces, and gallons upon gallons of blood. Even the tease for a sequel at the very end is shameless. And kind of wonderful.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Other Guys

THE OTHER GUYS


** SPOILERS **

You ever hear a guy tell a joke, get a laugh and then decide the best way to follow up the joke he just told was to tell it again? That's The Other Guys. In a live action cartoon version of New York City narrated by the godly omniscience of Ice-T, Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg are a pair of desk-bound, going-nowhere detectives handling the paperwork of human demolition derby supercops Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Jackson and Johnson get their swaggering asses killed, leaving a hole open for another duo to step up and become the alpha males of the department. Despite loathing each other - Farrell is a straight-arrow nerd and Wahlberg is a competent but desperate powder keg - the Other Guys get involved in cracking some sort of  bewildering ponzi scheme involving Steve Coogan that absolutely no one in the audience understood or gave two shits about. There is some funny stuff in The Other Guys; the first act is a gonzo bonanza of oddly clever one-liners and bizarre behavior (especially the jaw dropping scene of how Johnson and Jackson bite it). Wahlberg's utter disbelief that Farrell is married to Eva Mendes and his infatuation with her draws some real laughs. By the mid-point, The Other Guys starts to repeat itself and its jokes ad nauseam, staying far too late at the party while tacking on badly choreographed and banal action sequences. Was Michael Keaton's running joke about not realizing he constantly quotes TLC song lyrics a joke worth going to the well to over and over? On the other hand, The Other Guys does some amusing riffs on Lethal Weapon: the suicide jumper scene, the leads getting blown back by an explosion, when the renegade cop has dinner at home with his straight laced partner and learns to like him. The "bribery" jokes cracked me up, but I liked the flashback that Wahlberg ended up in the police doghouse for shooting Derek Jeter (I'd say that makes him a hero) more than Farrell's backstory of being a pimp in college. The movie certainly didn't need a role reversal between the leads tacked on, nor did a subplot of Farrell and Mendes breaking up and getting back together add anything but length to the running time. Then again, with cameos from David Wallace from The Office and Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Recreation, it was good to have a reminder that the NBC fall season is right around the corner. Also, stay away from cocaine-covered cars and "soup kitchens".

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Salt

SALT

** SPOILERS **

Anyone who knows me has heard me lament how much I miss the Cold War. Not in real life so much, but at the movies. I grew up on a steady diet of James Bond foiling Russian plans to destroy the West, Rocky Balboa going 15 rounds with Ivan Drago in Moscow, and the Red October being hijacked by its defector captain with the Scottish accent Sean Connery. One of the great pleasures of Salt is that the Russians are back with a vengeance as The Bad Guys. What's more, instead of a suave British secret agent or even an American spy, the only person standing between evil Russians and worldwide Armageddon is a Russian-born double agent working for the CIA, Evelyn Salt, played by a totally gung ho Angelina Jolie.

Salt mines just about all the tried and true tropes of secret agent action movies. The story is utterly preposterous, unbelievable, and makes no rational sense, but apply secret agent action movie logic and it makes a tremendous amount of sense: We first meet Evelyn Salt as a POW in a North Korean gulag (no horrible Madonna music while she's tortured - that's one up Salt has on Mr. Bond). Salt insists over and over she's not a spy, but she is. She's rescued by the CIA via the efforts of her husband August Diehl, a German-born archanologist and the only man who loves her regardless of who or what she is. Salt's devotion to her husband is the reason behind virtually everything she does for the rest of the movie.

One day, an old Soviet spy walks into CIA headquarters with a wild knee-slapper of a story about Russian sleeper assassins trained from childhood to infiltrate the United States. (A backstory strikingly reminiscent of Project Manticore in James Cameron's TV series Dark Angel, only without the sci-fi elements that made Jessica Alba a transgenic super soldier.) One of these Russian assassins in particular was extra special - the daughter born to Russia's champion wrestler and its greatest chess player. This child had such exceptional parentage that she was stolen as a baby to be raised with a special mission: she would live in deep cover in the US and ultimately murder the President of Russia before triggering nuclear war. This assassin who will kill the Russian President is named Evelyn Salt.

So of course Salt runs. To do what? Clear her name? Save her husband? Stop the evil plan? Or actually kill the Russian President?  The audience must play a guessing game throughout Salt, trying to reason out what Salt is actually doing, who she is, and what she really wants. The sheer movie star charisma of Angelina Jolie and the empathy she creates holds the audience's favor towards Evelyn Salt, even in moments where she seems to be the bad guy she's accused of being, especially when she seemingly makes good on assassinating the Russian President and then reunites with Orlov and her childhood "family".  A minted A-list action heroine from her turns in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, and Wanted, Jolie dives headlong into all the physicality Salt requires of her. She flashes her radiant smile at key moments, sometimes genuinely, but more often strategically before she strikes, be it with guns, grenades, her own fists, or a homemade rocket launcher.

Salt's absurdities would be maddening in lesser hands, but director Phillip Noyce and his filmmaking team deliver one blisteringly entertaining action sequence after another, putting Salt through the wringer as she outwits, outruns, and outfights all of the federal agents under the command of Mr. Peabody (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and Salt's CIA boss Ted Winter (Liev Schreiber). Salt evades capture in Washington in a thrilling chase by vaulting herself off of freeway ramps from one semi-truck to another, but that's nothing compared to the gambit she pulls in New York City to "assassinate" the Russian President in a way no Secret Service protocol could ever anticipate. Salt even dips into Ethan Hunt's bag of tricks with prosthetic faces. Salt's execution of the real villain is one of the coolest kill scenes I've ever seen, with an incredible lingering shot of Jolie really performing the stunt. No matter what anyone tries, they just can't lick Salt.

The third act reveal of who else is a Russian double agent trying to murder the President and launch nukes at the Middle East (to piss them off and make them destroy America) is satisfying, but the final scenes between Salt and Mr. Peabody take the cake. Somehow, Ejiofor sells one of the screwiest Trademark Changes of Heart ever when he decides to believe that there are more Russian sleepers hiding out there and the only one who can stop them all is Evelyn Salt.  Salt doesn't even get a chance to thank Mr. Peabody for setting her free to kick ass in a sequel, but Mr. Peabody getting to be in such a sequel ought to be thanks enough.  One can't help but imagine Jason Bourne watching Salt and shaking his head aghast at the impossible scrapes Salt manages to overcome. Why, watching Salt, Bourne might even fall in love.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

"From now on, I'm Switzerland, okay?!"

The Twilight Saga has introduced the world to sparkly emo vampires and chiseled Native American werewolves, but Eclipse, the third cinematic entry in the franchise, brings forth a creature the world truly may not have been ready for: a "good" Twilight movie. "Good" being a subjective term, of course. Perhaps "entertaining" may be a more apt compliment. Or simply, "not horrible" if we must be unkind. Regardless, compared to the two previous movies in The Twilight Saga, Catherine Hardwicke's blue-tinged eye roller Twilight and Chris Weitz's gold-tinged dreary dreck New Moon, David Slade's efficient, action-packed Eclipse is the belle of the ball. If one must watch a Twilight movie for whatever reason, Eclipse is the one to see.

Slade, the director of the vampire action-horror gorefest 30 Days of Night, reportedly made some unkind comments towards the Twilight franchise before agreeing to helm Eclipse. If so, it seems his outsider's perspective towards the material really helped the finished product. (Any disdain Slade may have for Twilight was perhaps most visible in the opening title "Eclipse", which was curiously not preceded by "The Twilight Saga".)  Overwrought teen drama between the three lead characters comes with the territory - it's the heart and soul, stock and trade of the Twilight Saga -  but Slade kept a surprisingly light touch in those many scenes, keeping them moving and staking an undercurrent of humor in even the sappiest moments instead of wallowing in it all to the point of misery like Chris Weitz did. (Bella breaking her hand punching Jacob in the face, and Jacob's explanation to Bella's father were comedic highlights.) Slade also ramped up the action to a satisfying degree, with a horde of vampire "Newborns" attacking the combined forces of the Cullen family and werewolves in Eclipse's climactic confrontations. Vampire on vampire violence, vampire on werewolf violence, dismemberments, decapitations, Slade successfully goes for broke when the carnage starts.

New Moon took the questionable position that Everybody Loves Bella (Kristen Stewart). In Eclipse, Bella Swan's choices have narrowed down to two, although in her mind, heart, and her secret womanly places no man or monster has yet plumbed the depths of, there's really only her one true love, the vampire Edward Cullen (Rob Pattinson). And yet, out there howling at the moon and peeing in the bushes, is her other suitor, the noble werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). Jacob had long since narrowed the field of Bella boyfriend wanna bes, having cock blocked Bella's classmate who wanted to date her in one of the only amusing moments in New Moon. By Eclipse, it's just down to him and Edward for Bella's affections.

Eclipse is bookended with a couple of lovey-dovey rolling around in the sunlit grass scenes between Edward and Bella that would make Anakin and Amidala vomit, but these moments are a big step forward for everyone's favorite couple. Finally, they seem generally comfortable and happy around each other (or as happy as that sullen mope Bella seems to get), compared to how outright miserable they seemed in each others' presence in the previous films. Edward has chilled out, seriously. Gone are his wild mood swings and various guilt complexes. The remaining sources of stress in Edward's otherwise ideal eternal life are the vampires coming to kill Bella and Bella continually badgering him about turning her into a vampire. Edward's curious solution is to keep asking Bella to marry him, which Bella finally agrees to when Edward describes the old-timey way he'd propose if he were still alive and if it was still the 19th century.

High school graduation is coming. ("After all, how many times do we get to graduate high school?" is an in-joke at lunch only the Cullens and Bella get.) Bella's uncool classmates have made it to the cool Cullen table and get invited to the cool Cullen house parties via Bella, with Academy Award nominee Anna Kendrick as the valedictorian of their senior class. In her commencement address, Kendrick is just one of several characters who speechify directly and indirectly to Bella regarding her potential life choices. "Now is the time for us to make mistakes," Kendrick muses. You know, the kind of mistakes young people make that aren't permanent, that they can regret but learn and improve from.

Bella misses the point entirely, singularly focused on her obsession with becoming a vampire and never wavering from this madness, despite Edward's surprisingly rational and poor, lovelorn Jacob's multiple attempts to talk her out of it. The same conversation gets repeated over and over throughout Eclipse between the three; essentially: "Bella, don't become a vampire." "Nope, I'm gonna do it." Jacob has more than a few temper tantrums and scenes where he storms off from Bella stonewalling him. Finally, this culminates in the aforementioned second sunlit rolling around in the grass scene where Bella makes her final, resolute "I am woman, hear me state unequivocally I'm becoming a vampire" speech to Edward, preceded by her logic that she never felt she fit in anywhere in the world until she found solace and kindred spirits in the company of the sexy undead. The musical score cues soar to meet Bella's declaration with "rah rah" hilarity, as if the movie is telling the audience it agrees that this dumb girl's fierce determination to die and become a blood sucking monster is the best life choice she could make for herself.

The rivalry between Jacob and Edward is a source of endless humor. They just don't like each other, those two. (Edward does have a point about Jacob needing to put on a shirt.) Their constant shouting matches, insult trading (complete with digs at how bad each other smells), and nose-to-nose snarling stare downs makes one wonder if it's really the vampire and werewolf in love with each other and they're just passing Bella back and forth between them. Seriously, you two, just kiss already. Jacob and Edward finally reach a detente in a pitched tent (any subtext there?) when Jacob cuddles with a freezing Bella to keep her warm, which Edward takes great umbrage to initially. (This comes complete with Jacob's shameless line "After all, I am hotter than you.") But after some straight talk between vampire and werewolf, each monster sees that the other monster isn't such a bad guy after all.

In the end, Jacob and Edward are united in their desire to keep Bella safe from killer Newborn vampires, even though Bella ultimately chooses Edward, as she must. You can't blame Jacob for trying, though maybe you could point out that Jacob insists Bella is in love with him despite any real indication that this is so, besides her wide-eyed gasps whenever he takes his shirt off. Maybe it's the way she pets him in wolf form that has Jacob so convinced. I gotta say, Jacob's final plea to Bella, "You belong with me. It would be as easy as breathing" is where wolf boy blew it. Dude, you're 17. Girls don't want easy reliability at your age. They want a little danger. Jacob's a good boy, maybe too good a boy. But here's a perk: in wolf form, he can always lick his own balls.

All right, enough about those three. There's other stuff going on in Eclipse: The main villain from the whole Twilight Saga, the redheaded vampire Victoria (now played by Bryce Dallas Howard as more petulant than menacing) has been trying to kill Bella for three movies now. This time, she and her new loverboy vampire assemble an army of Newborns to attack the unsuspecting town of Forks. This causes great consternation among the Cullen family, who get to show a lot more personality and are rewarded with a lot more screen time in this movie, including some amusing flashbacks to how some of them became vampires. I liked the revelation that the blond Cullen who always had a rod up his ass is a strategic genius and has a Texan accent. Who knew? I also liked the female Cullen who always hated Bella and who isn't Ashley Greene's story of how she was turned vampire and that she basically became the Bloofer Lady from Bram Stoker's Dracula.

The Cullens and their usual mortal enemies, the Earthy pack of denim shorts-clad Never Nude Native American werewolves, form an alliance and train together to fight the Newborns; this is perhaps a curious tactical error for the vampires as they basically gave the wolves a download on all of their fighting techniques. Jacob also brings Bella to a werewolf bonfire pow wow, where their chief tells them the story of the first time the werewolves met a vampire and what sparked their war, complete with Foreshadowing from the story of how a Native American princess sacrificed her life that gives Bella the idea of how distract Victoria so Edward can kill her. (But not to the point of Bella sacrificing her life.)  The entertaining carnage that ensues between the Newborns, Cullens, and werewolves also draws the attention of everybody's favorite vampire dandy fops, the Volturi, lead by Dakota Fanning. The Volturi are a sore thumb in this movie, with their faux-Shakespearian dialogue delivered with all of the skill of a high school drama club.

That there will be two more movies made from the final, and from what I've been told by my lady friends, the least enjoyed and rather reviled book, "Breaking Dawn", casts a dark shadow on Eclipse. Frankly, Eclipse provided a perfectly fine cinematic ending for The Twilight Saga. It concluded all the main plot threads, including Bella's arch enemy Victoria literally beside herself before Edward burned her to ash, the vampires and werewolves getting along, and Bella choosing to marry Edward and become a bloodsucking, unholy creature of the night instead of being a normal, well-adjusted person. Seems like everything wrapped up nicely. But when there are so many dump trucks full of money to be made from Twilight, there's just no chance of going out of a high note, is there?  I guess if I'm curious about anything, it's how Bella's good guy father, Charlie the Sheriff, will take it when he finds out his daughter isn't just getting married, but will soon become a monster breathing men would kill. And just when he was starting to like Edward Cullen too.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Inception: The IMAX Experience

INCEPTION: THE IMAX EXPERIENCE

** SPOILERS **

Hollywood scuttlebutt is that Christopher Nolan spent ten years conceiving Inception. He began not long after The Matrix came out, I wager. With Inception, Nolan takes on the The Matrix at its own game, freed from the juvenile comic book and chop socky kung fu inspirations of the Wachowski Brothers. Nolan dreams his visually dazzling dreams strictly for grown ups. He concocts a mature and sophisticated but sometimes difficult adventure tome about guilt, love and redemption, using the blurred lines between reality and dreams as its proving ground.

Leonardo DiCaprio leads a stellar cast, some of whom are culled from Nolan's Batman Begins and The Dark Knight - Ken Watanabe, Cillian Murphy, and Michael Caine. The newcomers to Nolan's company of players are DiCaprio as an Extractor of information within dreams. Working for a shadowy corporation, DiCaprio's shadowy job is to invade people's dreams and steal whatever shadowy secrets they're hiding. Jason Gordon-Levitt is his staunch ally, while Tom Hardy is a Forger, a shapeshifter within the dreams. Dileep Rao is the Chemist who induces people to dream. Ellen Page is the newest recruit, the Architect of dreams, able to create and manipulate the reality of a dreamer's dreamscape. How Page is able to do what she does is never explained, but how can you "explain" such awesome sights as an entire addrondissement of Paris inverting upon itself until it's upside down?

Watanabe, their target at the start of the movie, comes to them with a proposal: to plant an idea in the mind of Murphy, his business competitor. ("An idea," DiCaprio informs us," is the greatest virus known to man.") Watanabe wants this idea to be for Murphy to dismantle the business empire he stands to inherit from his dying father, Pete Postlethwaite, lest Murphy's company control 50% of the world's energy and become its own superpower. This would be very bad, Watanabe insists. This process of planting an idea into a dreamer's mind is called "inception".  They say it can't be done, but DiCaprio knows it can. He's done it before. It didn't go so well then, but he'll do it again quid pro quo if Watanabe uses his far-reaching, shadowy connections to allow DiCaprio - a fugitive ex-pat - to return to the US and his children.

With that set up, DiCaprio and his team go after Murphy to commit inception and to extract a secret in a high-tech vault buried deep within Murphy's subconsciousness. To accomplish this, they engage in an elaborate subterfuge to take Murphy not just within a dream, or a dream within a dream, but into a dream within a dream within a dream.  Three layers of dreams, from which they all must wake and survive attacks from Projections, depicted as assault teams from Murphy's mind trained to defend and protect him within the dreams.  There is also a dreaded fourth layer, Limbo, where a dreamer can be lost for decades. DiCaprio knows about Limbo all too well.

DiCaprio's work with Martin Scorsese (The Aviator, The Departed, Shutter Island) has enabled him to master portraying tortured characters suffering from deep emotional wounds, unsure of their own reality, desperately grasping at tenuous threads to maintain their sanity. In Inception, DiCaprio is haunted, literally in the dream worlds, by his wife Marion Cotillard. Page is the audience's link to understanding DiCaprio's gradual, emotional unraveling. Without Page asking questions, prodding him, and occasionally betraying his wishes within the dreams, we'd never understand why he can't bear to see his children's faces (an amazing device Nolan employs) and why Cotillard waits for DiCaprio in a shambles of a penthouse suite or in the kitchen of their home, chef's knife in hand.

Even more affecting to me than DiCaprio's torment over his wife and his inability in the real world to return to the United States and see his children without being arrested and imprisoned for his wife's death was Murphy's relationship with his father. Assuming the identity in dreams of Postlethwaite's consigliere Tom Berenger (Principal Skinner thinks Bart Simpson would love this movie; it has Tom Berenger), Hardy is the means for the audience to delve deep into Murphy's issues with Postlethwaite's "disappointment" with him as his son and heir. Murphy turns out to be the most sympathetic person in Inception; he is simply a son coping with his father's expectations and lack of affection, while struggling to be his own man.  Our "heroes" spend the entire movie kidnapping, manipulating, and emotionally mindfucking Murphy. Though he comes out of Inception with "inception", he also finds the personal strength to become the man his father knew he could be.

Nolan expects the audience to side with DiCaprio, Page, Gordon-Levitt, Hardy, Rao, and Watanabe (poor Ken spends half the movie slowly dying from a bullet hole in his chest) in their gambit against Murphy, but they are all actually scoundrels. They're likable and charming together; Hardy is a terrific commando and I liked Gordon-Levitt's flirtation with Page and his tricking her into kissing him. To be clear, they're all the real bad guys here. They willingly and purposely invade an innocent man's dreams under questionable circumstances (would it really be so bad if Murphy, who seems like a good man, controlled half the world's energy supply?) and nearly get him and themselves killed.

It's very easy to become lost in the maze of Nolan's dreamscape. His ambitions sometimes extend his reach, especially in the chaotic and action-packed dream within a dream within a dream sequences that comprise the second half of Inception. Nolan does maintain a visual clarity for each dream level: the first, rainy Los Angeles, the second, a luxury hotel, and the third, snowy mountains with a forbidding fortress. Inception's fascinating first half involves DiCaprio and Gordon-Levitt explaining the rules of manipulating the dreamworlds to the inquisitive Page, but when the action kicks in, Nolan keeps it purposefully relentless, perhaps necessarily, so that there's no time for the audience to question the logic or reality of what they're seeing. When Nolan pauses the action and spectacle, his dialogue repeats in rhythms, but he also tends to have his characters over-explain their motivations and actions.

Inception's spectacle is truly awe-inspiring. Even when not in the dream world, Nolan shoots all around the world in Paris, Kyoto, and Los Angeles, using the scope of IMAX to present their real life city scapes in breathtaking fashion. Within dreams, Nolan masterfully uses CGI to create wonders like DiCaprio's personal dream world of decaying skyscrapers cliffside on a breaking beach, and stairwells that become a never-ending maze. Inception also presents us with the longest slow motion van-drives-off-a-bride-and-falls-into-the-water sequence in the history of film.

Nolan's homages to his favorite films are fun to spot. He once again milks his love for Michael Mann's Heat, staging his own version of the famous machine gun shootout on the streets of Los Angeles, this time with rain machines pounding the actors.  An assault on a snowy mountaintop fortress complete with snowmobiles, machine gun ski chases, and an avalanche seems to be Nolan's tribute to James Bond and On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  Gordon-Levitt has the best action scene in the whole shebang: a spectacular, physics-defying fight with Projections in a hotel hallway  that's jaw-droppingly convincing. (It ends, in a sly nod to WWE, with Gordon-Levitt applying the Million Dollar Dream sleeperhold!) When Murphy sees his dying father one last time in the dream within the dream within the dream, Postlethwaithe's room looks suspiciously like a holodeck on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Inception's ending leaves us with a dangling question, all determined by whether or not DiCaprio's dream "totem" continued spinning forever or whether it stopped and toppled. Nolan leaves us in mid-spin, implying that DiCaprio never left Limbo and gained his heart's desire there.  I'd like to hope that the totem eventually stopped spinning, that DiCaprio really did return to reality and his children, but I believe Watanabe made good on his promise to DiCaprio in Limbo. The sudden appearance of Michael Caine waiting for DiCaprio at LAX indicates that DiCaprio never woke up from the dream and remains trapped in Limbo. For DiCaprio, the ending of "it was all just a dream" is exactly the kick he was always searching for.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE

** SPOILERS **

In The Sorcerer's Apprentice, one vital event that happened a long time ago to each main character directly impacts everything their lives. For immortal Sorcerer Nicolas Cage, the tragic events of over a thousand years ago where his master Merlin(!) is killed by Morgana Le Fey (Alice Krige, forever The Borg Queen), caused him lose his fellow Apprentice and his one true love Monica Bellucci. Merlin's dying wish is for Cage to search the world for all time until he finds Merlin's next successor, "the Prime Merlinian". For Jay Baruchel, who is unwittingly the Prime Merlinian, it was the day he met Cage when he was ten and encountered Cage's arch enemy Alfred Molina. On this same day, he was humiliated in front of his class and the girl he likes, which turned him from a cool little kid into an insecure loser.

Ten years later ("to the day"), Baruchel is an awkward NYU physics nerd with low self-esteem who runs into the very same girl again; she's now the fully grown knockout Teresa Palmer. But then Cage and Molina come back into his life and Baruchel takes his first step into a larger world, becoming Cage's Apprentice and learning to become a Sorcerer. (In what is The Sorcerer's Apprentice's weirdest magic trick, ten year old Baruchel has a white fat best friend, but when the movie flash forwards to him being twenty, he now has a fat black best friend.)  

The Sorcerer's Apprentice is a fun, visually imaginative, but loud and very busy special effects spectacle. Director Jon Turteltaub channels the manic, anything-goes tone of the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels more than his own National Treasure movies. The Sorcerer's Apprentice hurtles like a runaway locomotive as Cage and Baruchel try to keep Molina and his evil Apprentice from capturing the MacGuffan, a Russian doll that contains the imprisoned spirit of Morgana. Molina plans to set Morgana free so she can perform The Rising - a spell that will raise an army of the dead to conquer the world, not the Bruce Springsteen song.

In between dashing across New York City fighting CGI dragons and monsters, often on a metal eagle animated from the Chrysler Building, Barcuhel (understandably) prioritizes trying to win Palmer's heart, and he does a damn good job of it too. The Sorcerer's Apprentice breaks its own momentum in the second act with a clunky live-action tribute to the Mickey Mouse Sorcerer's Apprentice segment of Fantasia. Then Baruchel up and quits on Cage for a little bit, more as a plot device than anything else. When Palmer, who spends the movie gazing at Baruchel with wide-eyed incredulity, is kidnapped and finally clued in on the magical end of the world about to happen, she's very game to pitch in. She even gets to singlehandedly foil Morganna's evil spell.

As Sorcerer and Apprentice, Cage and Baruchel share an easy rapport; the movie deliberately points out the parallels to Luke/Obi-Wan and Luke/Yoda in Star Wars. Baruchel is a likeable hero, and he draws genuine laughs with some of his line readings and jumpy reactions. Molina always makes a damn fine heavy, turning from polite civility to fiery-eyed menace on a dime. Cage earns the biggest laugh when he tells ten year old Baruchel "I can read minds!"  

The Sorcerer's Apprentice is filled to the bursting point with magic spells and magical rules - I liked how the movie explained the relationship between magic and science and the way Arthurian legend is woven into story - but it still feels slight on substance and inconsequential. All the ideas and characters become swallowed up by the requisite CGI action. Fighting as a Sorcerer seems to mainly involve being able to hurl blue energy bolts and survive a lot of blunt force trauma.

Baruchel spends the whole movie barely in control of his powers, or powerless in general, but comes into full power and full mastery of them much too easily at the end. It's not clear whether Baruchel still has to be Cage's Apprentice when he seems to be as powerful, if not more powerful, than Cage after Morgana is defeated. Baruchel didn't stick around to find out; he was (understandably) way more interested in flying Palmer to Paris on Cage's magical metal eagle. All in all, The Sorcerer's Apprentice is an entertaining and enjoyable ride, even if you end up not quite believing in its magic.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Despicable Me

DESPICABLE ME

** SPOILERS **

Despicable Me is a crowd-pleasing winner about a diabolical fiend who finds a heart. Call it The Taming of the Shrew-pervillain. Or The Taming of the Gru. (I'm sorry. Those puns are despicable.) Gru (Steve Carell) is a supervillain cross between the physical looks of Danny Devito as The Penguin and the criminal mastermind of Lex Luthor, only much less competent. And he has some mommy issues, but only a little. (Gru's mom is voiced by Julie Andrews!) Gru inhabits a curious world where supervillains exist, are financed by The Bank of Evil (formerly Lehman Brothers), and are constantly committing unspeakable crimes like stealing the Great Pyramid of Giza or snatching the Statue of Liberty (the small one from Vegas), but there are no heroes to oppose them. There aren't even any police officers, apparently. The supervillains live in normal suburban neighborhoods, albeit in forbidding fortresses, and cruise around in behemoth tanks more obvious than the Batmobile, yet no one seems to want to arrest them. Into Gru's life arrive three orphan girls, whom he adopts just so he can use them to deliver robotic girl scout cookies into the lair of his rival villain, Vector (Jason Segel). But the girls melt his heart and he eventually learns his instant family is more important to him than his lifelong dream of owning the moon. The voice acting, specifically by Carell, is superb, and Miranda Cosgrove from iCarly is also really good as the oldest of the three girls, especially when she affects Gru's accent to mock him. Anyone who has spent time with young children can relate to Gru's frustrations of trying to wrangle them or get them to go to bed; Gru's outrage at the bedtime story he has to read them is spot on. ("You like this? You call this literature? This is terrible!") The scenes of Gru half-ass parenting the girls are a lot of fun. Gru is also suitably awesome in the third act when he comes after Vector for kidnapping his daughters. (No one lays a hand on the three girls Gru adopted in order to sneak robot cookies into a rival's fortress!) Despicable Me utilizes 3D very well, especially in the fun sight gags over the closing credits when Gru's lovable Minions play with the depth of the 3D, competing over who can get closest to the audience. Despicable Me isn't quite in the league of Pixar's Toy Story 3 or Up as classic animated entertainment, but it has plenty of action, visual imagination, humor, and a welcome amount of heart.

Couple of further thoughts: I thought the utilization of 3D in Despicable Me was superior to how 3D was used in Toy Story 3. Also, there's a throwaway sight gag at the very end that cracked me up: Gru uses a Gru-ray disc player. I don't know why but I found that hilarious.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Predators

PREDATORS

** SPOILERS **

What made the original Predator work and endure, in my opinion, wasn't the (very) basic story of a group of heavily-armed roughnecks being hunted in the jungle by an extra-terrestrial warrior. What made Predator work was seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger, the greatest action hero of his era, take on this otherworldly beast mano e mano. (That it turned out the original Predator suit was worn by Jean-Claude Van Damme, another action icon, was a bonus.) Remove Arnold from the Predator equation and the material becomes mired in B-movie quicksand, where it remains to this day, movie after movie, cash grab after cash grab. Sadly, there are no great mainstream action heroes anymore (and virtually all of the old guard are banded together in The Expendables). Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson could have been an action god but he has opted to goof around for Disney kids. Had The Rock ascended to Arnold's throne like he should have, it would have added that extra special something to see him face a Predator. Since Arnold defeated the original Predator, there have been three more (baaad) movies starring Predators, and now three Predators are featured in Predators, in which Adrien Brody leads a motley crew of killers through an alien world, which is a Predator game preserve. Once again, Predators hunt the deadliest game of all - man. And once again, the Predators get their asses kicked! And yet, they keep on hunting man, this time going through the time, hassle and expense of kidnapping humans and bringing them across the galaxy only to have a human beat them at their own game. Think about that. Predators are idiots! A chiseled, gravel-voiced Brody makes an unlikely yet effective action hero, but he's no Arnold. In the original Predator, it took everything Arnold, the greatest action hero of the era, had to defeat the Predator. Now, Adrien Brody can do it. (And he did it using Arnold's strategies of coating himself with mud to hide his heat signature.) Predators actually stops the story halfway through so all of the characters can gather around Alice Braga as she summarizes the plot of the original film - "Guatemala '87". Naturally, it made me wish I was watching the original Predator instead. Topher Grace's presence in the movie is like a big sore thumb until the "shocking" third act reveal, yet his survival into the third act makes no sense whatsoever if you think about it. Lawrence Fishburne chews scenery in a cameo as a man who has survived in the Predators' preserve for "ten seasons". Whatever he's been eating during those ten seasons sure has packed on the pounds. The "classic" Predator is depicted as a big bitch, an inferior class hunted by an even bigger, uglier Predator. There are also Predator dogs; Predators' best friends.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Toy Story 3

TOY STORY 3

** SPOILERS **

Toy Story 3 contains one of the greatest third acts I've ever seen. As the third entry in the franchise, Toy Story 3 is also in and of itself one of the greatest third acts I've ever seen. It's yet another triumph from Pixar Animation, continuing their perfect streak. Bristling with inventiveness and visual delight, Woody, Buzz Lightyear, et al confront their greatest crisis with their owner Andy leaving home for college, relegating them all (except Woody) to the attic. Instead, they are accidentally donated to Sunnyside Day Care, which turns out to be a hard labor camp run by a disgruntled stuffed bear named Lotso. Toy Story 3 creates huge laughs from Buzz being reprogrammed to his caliente-dancing Spanish language default and even more laughs from Barbie meeting Ken, whose devotion to his vast wardrobe makes one wonder about his proclivities.The voice acting is phenomenal all around, lead once more by Tom Hanks and Tim Allen as Woody and Buzz, and joined by Ned Beatty as Lotso and Michael Keaton as Ken. All of this leads to the aforementioned gangbusters third act, in which Woody leads his friends on a prison break that puts them in a series of thrilling Indiana Jones-style cliffhangers. The truly transcendent moment comes when Andy decides to donate all of his toys to another child, carefully and affectionately explaining what each toy means to him, validating how much he loved his all-important childhood companions. One would have to be missing batteries or possess a molded-plastic heart to not have their eyes water when Andy (and we) said goodbye to his toys. Thus far, Toy Story 3 is the best film of the summer and of 2010 as a whole.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Knight and Day

KNIGHT AND DAY

** SPOILERS **

Director James Mangold's action-comedy mashup Knight and Day is a bit of a throwback; it's a modern day version of a Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn-style madcap spy adventure. Hapless everywoman Cameron Diaz is thrust into the bizarre world of secret agent Tom Cruise, who's protecting a valuable MacGuffan - a high tech battery that could power a small city - from falling into the wrong hands. But, as in those old Cary Grant thrillers, Cruise could also be the villain. Diaz gets humorously dragged around the world against her will, sometimes drugged and semi-conscious, as she tries to determine what side Cruise is really on. Cruise and Diaz starred romantically together in 2001's Vanilla Sky. Knight and Day very much insists Cruise and Diaz are falling for each other, yet there's remarkably little chemistry to be found between their combined movie star wattage. The tone shifts from romantic comedy to standard Hollywood car chases and shoot-em-ups. Cruise lets loose his comedic chops early on but seems much more comfortable in his more familiar norm of rappelling, car chases, and shooting people. It becomes impossible to invest in the action when the movie makes it clear Cruise and Diaz are never in any real danger. The legions of villainous gunmen coming after Cruise and Diaz are all incapable of shooting them, even from a few feet away when hefting machine guns. The first act mainly takes place in Boston so it's enjoyable for locals to see Cruise and Diaz run around the city (even if their movements geographically make no sense), before the action shifts around the world to New York, the Azores, Austria, Spain, and South America. Diaz is in full-on romantic comedy mode; Knight and Day never requires her to tap into her action heroine credentials from starring in two Charlies Angels movies. Cruise, on the other hand, is in full-on Tom Cruise Mode. He hasn't been this Tom Cruisey in a movie in probably a decade. The "I'm the guy!" scene in the diner alone is vintage Cruise at his Cruisiest. Knight and Day provides a Tom Cruise impressionist ample all-new material to add to his act.

P.S. A silver 1999 Mercedes Benz SLK Kompressor two-seater convertable is featured prominently in the movie. The audience is lead to believe that a person the size of Paul Dano can be trapped in the trunk. That is impossible. I drive that exact same car all the time. The trunk of the Kompressor is so small, and more than half of it is taken up by the cradle built to hold the roof when the top is down, that there is no way a person can fit in that trunk. I mean, come on! I hope someone was fired for that.

Monday, June 21, 2010

The Karate Kid (2010)

THE KARATE KID (2010)

** SPOILERS **

The Karate Kid is the most pleasant surprise of summer 2010. As a loyalist since my youth to the original franchise starring Ralph Macchio and Noriyuki "Pat" Morita (also including The Next Karate Kid starring Hillary Swank to an extent), I wasn't enthused with the idea of remaking the original Karate Kid as a starring vehicle for Will Smith's son and transplanting the action to China. I'm happy to say The Karate Kid (2010) is far superior to every Karate Kid sequel and stands proudly alongside the original 1984 film. Like the heroes of these movies, Dre Parker and Daniel LaRusso before him, The Karate Kid (2010), director Harald Zwart, and stars Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan achieve both an improbable victory and earn great respect.

The story is familiar. Perhaps it may be a little too familiar. Borrowing wholesale from the original story by Robert Mark Kamen, the script by writer Christopher Murphey moves in solemn lockstep with all of the key events of The Karate Kid (1984): A mother and his 12 year old son Dre Parker (Daniel was 17 in the original) move from Detroit (New Jersey in the original) to China (LA in the original) for a job opportunity. Upon arrival, the boy encounters a girl he likes and immediately runs afoul of the local gang of bullies who are also martial arts students. The leader, Cheng, takes delight in thrashing him, leaving him outmatched and badly beaten. Unknown to Dre, the reclusive handyman in his apartment building, Mr. Han, is secretly a martial arts master (who learned kung fu from his father). After pranking Cheng using water, as in the original when Daniel hosed Johnny in a restroom, Dre is chased by Cheng and his lackeys and is again violently assaulted (one even urges Cheng that Dre's had enough, just like in the original). Dre is saved by Mr. Han.

Initially refusing to train him at first, Mr. Han and Dre visit the school where the boys are taught kung fu, only to find that the adage "there are no bad students, only bad teacher" is very true in 2010 China as it was in 1984 LA. Han strikes a deal with the sinister teacher Master Li to leave Dre alone so he can train to fight his enemies in a tournament. Han and Dre then form a bond and teach each other the true meaning of friendship. (Mr. Miyagi of course called Daniel "Daniel-san". Mr. Han gives Dre the nickname "Xiao Dre" - "Little Dre". Master Li has a more insulting name for Dre: "This little thing.") With Mr. Han's help, Dre learns the kung fu and life lessons he needs to defeat his enemies in the tournament, overcome his fears and a leg injury even worse than what Daniel suffered in the original ("Sweep the leg!" becomes "Break his leg!"), to earn self-respect and the respect of his enemies.

Nothing in The Karate Kid links it to the original franchise beyond the identical circumstances and events that happen to the characters. No one in this movie has ever heard of Mr. Miyagi or Daniel LaRusso. The theme of the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica applies to the re-imagining of The Karate Kid: "All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again."  The Karate Kid even provides a bit of inside commentary on its existence: Dre becomes fascinated watching a kung fu master train with a cobra. The cobra mirrors the master's every movement as if a reflection in a pool of water.  This idea provides the key in linking the two Karate Kid movies together as reflections of each other.

The performances by the leads are simply terrific. The friendship between Dre and Mr. Han is the heart of the movie and it's every bit as resonant as Daniel's bond with Mr. Miyagi. When Dre tells Mr. Han, as Daniel did Miyagi, "You're the best friend I ever had", it's honest and true. The real surprise is Mr. Han not responding, "You pretty okay too." I'm also glad Dre never upstages Mr. Han and catches a fly with chopsticks the way Daniel did when Miyagi couldn't his whole life. (That was always a crock.)  Mr. Han has the wisdom that the best way to catch a fly with chopsticks is after you kill it with a flyswatter.

It's a high compliment to say Jaden Smith is just like his dad. Early on after arriving in China, when Dre tries to make friends with the local kids, he quickly breaks out of his surly shell and displays the winning charm and charisma that made his father one of the most popular box office superstars in the world. You can't help cheering Jaden on to overcome all of the obstacles placed in his way. Smith is impressive in the physical demands of the role and more than holds his own with the required dramatics. I daresay Dre is more likable and heroic than Daniel ever was (because even the diehard fans of the original Karate Kids know Daniel was kind of a douche.)

Jaden also develops a sweet relationship with a pretty girl named Mei Ying (Wen Wen Han), which never becomes as cloying and cliched as Daniel's affair with his Japanese girlfriend Kumiko in The Karate Kid, Part II. (No Peter Cetera "The Glory of Love", thankfully.) Not too many American 12 year olds can say they had their first date in the Forbidden City or their first kiss played for a big laugh in front of his mom and kung fu master at a festival. Like Elizabeth Shue in the original, Mei Ying comes from a well-to-do family who disapproves of Dre's influence on their daughter; this is not out of class and race but more out of concern for their daughter being distracted from her goals of being a concert violinist. Dre making the Cyrano De Bergerac-like effort, with Mr. Han's help, to learn to speak Chinese and earn the respect of Mei Ying's parents is as heroic a triumph as him winning the tournament.

Jackie Chan delivers what has to be his finest performance in an American film. As Mr. Han, Chan creates a new kind of mentor as inspiring as the great Pat Morita was as Mr. Miyagi. The relationship between Mr. Han and Dre is more delicate because of Jaden Smith's youth, and Chan deftly fulfills the roles of mentor, taskmaster, father figure, and friend. The curious limp Mr. Han walks with has a powerful dramatic payoff as, just like in the original, Dre learns of a tragedy in Mr. Han's past that caused the death of his family. The car Mr. Han builds in his living room and then destroys in his anguish is a uniquely moving visual for his broken soul, which then leads to an amazing sequence of Dre and Mr. Han training, their shadows dancing in unison. As a boy, I thrilled to Jackie Chan's kung fu mastery, and more recently, enjoyed him play fluff action-comedy opposite Chris Tucker in the Rush Hour films, but I've never seen Jackie Chan this phenomenal before.

Dre and his mother, played by Taraji P. Henson, have a more realistic and loving relationship than Daniel had with his more cartoonish mother in the original. Henson just tries her best under very trying circumstances and has a firmer grasp of what her son is suffering through and overcoming than Mrs. LaRusso ever seemed to. There's also some amusing reparte between her and Mr. Han; he may be a master of kung fu, but Dre's mom scares him just a little when she gets mad, especially when Dre refuses to pick up his jacket.

The running gag of Dre's refusal to pick up his jacket and hang it brilliantly becomes the lynchpin of Mr. Han's training method for Dre. Mr. Miyagi famously made Daniel perform chores around his house (paint the fence, sand the floor, wax on/wax off) to teach him basic karate blocks. Mr. Han eschews using Dre as child labor. Instead, he cleverly takes a different route with Dre, making him put on, take off, drop, pick up and hang up (with attitude) his jacket thousands of times, not just to ingrain the basic movements of kung fu blocks in Dre's muscle memory, but to teach the boy discipline. I also enjoyed Han's simple demand of making Dre ask to enter his home, teaching him simple manners and respect. When Mr. Han finally gives in to Dre's tantrum and unleashes the kung fu Dre unwittingly learned, the result is even more breathtaking than when Miyagi did the same with Daniel.

While it's true that the title of The Karate Kid is a complete misnomer - there is no karate in the movie - the kung fu displayed in the film goes infinitely beyond the karate presented in the original. The movie makes a point of showing that Jaden Smith is more naturally athletic than Ralph Macchio ever was and young Jaden is able to perform physical feats (including the splits that Jean-Claude Van Damme made world-famous in Bloodsport) that Macchio could never match even in his physical prime. The immortal Crane Kick Daniel uses in the original is re-invented as an amazing Cobra somersault kick that Dre basically teaches to himself. Not just Jaden, but all of the children performing kung fu are incredibly impressive. Of course, as is Jackie Chan, who is a genuine kung fu marvel that the late Pat Morita could never physically equal.  Frankly, it's a little intimidating to see kids a third my age who possess the ability to completely kick my ass (sorry, I won't say "ass" again, Mr. Han).

The level of violence in The Karate Kid is a bit shocking. It was one thing to watch the Cobra Kai beat Daniel up in 1984, but it's certainly uncomfortable to watch 12 year old boys so ruthlessly fight each other.  Mr. Han's magical healing techniques aside, Dre walks away with mere black eyes from beatings that logically could have killed him, or at least should have left him hospitalized from various internal injuries. When Mr. Han intervenes to save Dre, the idea of Jackie Chan fighting a bunch of 12 year olds seemed suspect at first, but it's executed brilliantly as Mr. Han never directly strikes any of the boys; instead he uses kung fu blocks and feints so that the boys beat themselves up. The philosophy behind Dre's kung fu training is inspiring, as Mr. Han explains how kung fu lives in everything we do and how Dre can learn to channel his Chi. (Dre amusingly equates it all to the Force in Star Wars, not grasping that chicken came after the egg) .

What's missing from the new Karate Kid are Johnny and the Cobra Kai. I was hoping that somehow the name "Cobra Kai" would turn up, perhaps a Chinese chapter founded by The Karate Kid, Part III's evil Terry Silver. Master Li's school is called the Flying Dragons; that's just not as much fun. Master Li also isn't as comically villainous or as interesting as Kreese.  (There is a compelling silent rivalry between Mr. Han and Master Li; perhaps they will fight in the parking lot as Miyagi and Kreese did in the sequel.) In the end, Cheng does learn to respect Dre and turn his back on the evil teachings of Master Li in an even more pronounced way than Johnny leaving Kreese's school. Zhenwei Wang, the boy who plays Dre's arch rival Cheng, does an honorable job, but he's no Johnny. Young Zhenwei is, however, a step high above Chozen in Part II.

The greatest weapon The Karate Kid brings to the table is China itself. Unlike how The Karate Kid, Part II substituted Hawaii for Okinawa, the new movie was shot on location entirely in China. The Karate Kid proudly shows off the inspiring, breathtaking majesty of the Great Wall and mountains of China, as well as the electricity of life in modern-day Beijing, including a visit the Olympic Stadium and the Forbidden City. Cadre of corrupted kung fu fighting children aside, China, its people, and its ancient, fascinating culture are displayed in a dazzlingly positive light. (But for all its sights and wonders, one thing China lacks is a Golf and Stuff.)

Maybe if there's a sequel, it will be Mr. Han who travels to Dre's hometown of Detroit, finding himself embroiled in a blood feud between Dre and his best friend. Or maybe not. Sequel or no (I say "yes"), The Karate Kid (2010) can take its place of honor alongside the original Karate Kid as the best around.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Jonah Hex

JONAH HEX
 
** SPOILERS **

Set in the wild, wild west of the Carolinas and Georgia - which the movie seems to think is made up of dusty frontier towns run by corrupt sheriffs who reside in Mexican haciendas - Jonah Hex piles on bizarre contrivance after bizarre contrivance. After a token comic booky prologue breezily establishes the tragic origin of Jonah Hex while simultaneously failing to generate empathy for the character, Jonah Hex darts though its semblance of a story to get to its perfunctory action set pieces, punctuated by right-on-time explosions.  On the other hand, Jonah Hex's grasp of American history during the post-Civil War period of Reconstruction is flat out hilarious. 

In the White House, with the Washington Monument under construction in the distance, President Ulysses S. Grant (Aidan Quinn) is warned by his intelligence adviser Will Arnett (!) that John Malkovich is in possession of a super weapon - a "nation killer". The Nation Killer, which surprisingly is not a giant robot spider driven by legless Kenneth Branagh this time around, is a big cannon on a boat that shoots golden orbs made up of whatever the Heart of Lost Island is/whatever will be in Marcellus Wallace's briefcase. A distressed Grant proclaims Malkovich "a terrorist", likely coining the phrase, and decides only one man can stop this dastardly plot against the fragile post-Civil War union: Jack Bau --, sorry, I mean Jonah Hex. Jonah Hex turns out to be the weirdest episode of 24 ever.

Working on the outskirts of the law as a bounty hunter, Hex is a former Confederate solider who betrayed John Malkovich to the hated Union when he couldn't go along with Malkovich's crazy plan to blow up a hospital.  In a flashback which the movie keeps flashing back to again and again well past the audience getting the simple point, Malkovich took revenge on Hex by burning his Indian wife and son in their home, then branding Hex's face with his initials ("QT" for Quentin Turnbull, but the nod to Tarantino is unmistakably funny).  That isn't how Hex got his grotesque facial scars, however; Hex cut half his face off himself (I suppose so no one would mistake him for Tarantino). It's unclear whether Hex mutilated himself before or after he was resurrected from near death by obligatory Indian shamans, who cursed him with the power to communicate with the dead. Or something. The Indians also save Hex the same way a second time during the movie. No explanation is ever given as to why the Indians keep magically saving this ugly paleface.

The most interesting stuff in the movie are Jonah Hex's ill-defined supernatural powers. Somehow, and Hex himself is never curious about the hows or whys, Hex can communicate with the dead by touching them. Most of the dead souls he interrogates hate him, but he can make them talk by continuing his death grip, which ignites the dead into ash. Later, Hex goes to the bother of trying to interrogate a living person who hates him. Why didn't Hex just kill him and then use his death grip?  It would have been more effective and a time saver. Hex also seems to magically attract animals to him for no good reason; one stray mutt loyally hangs out with him and can even outrun Hex's horse despite Hex never feeding him or giving him water.

Hex is also haunted by a dream of his final battle with Malkovich, but in his dream, Malkovich repeatedly kicks his ass. (Hex has some serious issues.) When Hex and Malkovich have their final mano e mano, the movie cuts back and forth between the fight in the dream and the real fight happening on the Nation Killer boat.  The constant cutting renders the impact of either fight limp.  And what if Hex finally won the fight in the dream but lost the real fight? That would have been weird.

As Jonah Hex, Josh Brolin turns in an genuinely earnest performance. Brolin tries his damnedest to make a strange, one-note comic book character from the little-read pages of DC Comics' Old West three dimensional and interesting. Hex gets all of the focus - the aforementioned flashbacks, voice over narration, an origin story told in comic book panels - to the diminishment of every other character in the picture. Hex's sole purpose for his existence is vengeance on Malkovich, and that's the most thorough motivation of any character.

Malkovich sneers through his stock role as the heavy; his only goal is to "make war". Malkovich sure does talk funny. I don't mean his Southern drawl, I mean his unusual knowledge of the future. Malkovich's men hijack an Iron Horse train at the start of the movie using Al Qaeda tactics like strapping dynamite to their chests.  Later, Malkovich gives a speech to his Irish henchman, an unrecognizable Michael Fassbender from Inglourious Basterds, describing the life's work of Eli Whitney where he calls Whitney the father of the "Industrial Revolution". It's never explained what the glowing orbs are, how Malkovich found out about them, or how they ended up in Marcellus Wallace's briefcase.

Jonah Hex completely squanders the talents of his supporting cast. Arnett plays deadly serious, resisting the urge to roll his eyes in his every scene. He gets to experience Commissioner Gordon's frustration of turning his back to Hex, who then mysteriously vanishes; the funniest thing regarding Arnett is how he's disposed of. Wes Bentley (who was the heavy in a much worse comic book movie, Ghost Rider) continues his sad career suicide with two scenes which end with him getting disposed of not as hilariously. Lance Reddick drops in as Hex's Q, offering up high-tech anachronistic weaponry before heading off to Washington to hear President Grant speak on the 4th of July (a speech which is oddly sparsely attended). Reddick mistakenly thinks the Million Man March takes place a century sooner than it does.

By default, the second most developed (ahem) character in Jonah Hex is Megan Fox. Portraying the cleanest and, apparently, the only prostitute in the 19th century who has access to Sephora and Proactiv products, Fox is a Wild West wank fantasy come to life.  Fox loves Jonah Hex, purringly urging him during their carefully-wrapped-in-sheets pillow talk to give up his go-nowhere life of bounty hunting. It never seems to cross Fox's mind that her own life of diddling cowboys for dollars doesn't have a future either, nor is Hex a likely prospect for husbandry. But how can Fox not love that face of his?

Despite herself getting punched in the face twice and kidnapped to be used as bait by Malkovich during act three, Fox is no damsel in distress. To establish her tough girlosity, Fox is given a subplot where she kills a client who decides paying her's not as good as raping her. Later, she gamely fights alongside Hex and shoots a half dozen of Malkovich's henchmen dead. I daresay never has a creature like Megan Fox existed in the wild wild west of the Carolinas and Georgia. There wasn't nearly enough of her in the picture.


Fox isn't the only person who can see past Jonah Hex's disfigurement and realizes he's really a stand up fella. President Grant already had a hard-on for Hex even before Hex saved Washington DC from annihilation. Grant is so grateful, he offers Hex a shiny badge and the newly-created position as "Sheriff of America" - I gotta be honest, I laughed my fucking ass off when that happened.  Hex turns the badge down, doing what's best for America, and rides off into the sunset to presumably play little house on the prairie with Fox.

As the credits rolled, nobody in our theater (all eight of us) left. They must have all been confused about the Marvel Comics movie strategy of adding a surprise bonus scene at the end. Jonah Hex should have indulged the fanboys and had Hex in a bar get approached by Alan Quatermain or Tom Sawyer with an offer to join The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. It would have made as much sense as anything else in Jonah Hex.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The A-Team

THE A-TEAM

** SPOILERS **

I love it when a plan comes together, especially when director Joe Carnahan's plan was to go all-out and make a balls-to-the-wall, crazy-ass action movie. The A-Team is a sensationally silly, highly-entertaining thrill ride. This is, after all, a movie about the A-Team, four highly skilled soldiers of fortune who used to help people in need and blow stuff up on 1980's television screens.  Buying a ticket to The A-Team, one shouldn't expect thoughtful ruminations on existence or the human condition. Why would one want that from The A-Team? No, one comes to The A-Team for the A-word: Action. The A-Team is positively overflowing with action and Bad Attitude.

A prelude set in Mexico that might as well have been subtitled "The A-Team Begins" explains how cigar-chomping, tactical mastermind Col. Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson) and his cocky, womanizing colleague Faceman Peck (Bradley Cooper) meet soulful bruiser B.A. Baracus (Quinton "Rampage" Jackson) and batshit crazy super pilot Howling Mad Murdock (Sharlto Copley).  These are four men, the very best at what they do, who are bonded by their mutual worship of their special forces Army Rangers tattoos. They may have mistrusted or hated each other at first, but those Rangers tattoos they all have in common make them brothers in ink.  If there was a moment of sadness in the opening minutes of mayhem and chaos, it was when Murdock's insane helicopter flying ended up destroying B.A.'s signature black and red-striped van.

"8 years and 80 successful missions later", the real action kicks in as the A-Team is recruited in Baghdad by the mysterious CIA agent Lynch (one of many, in a running joke the movie treated like a dog latched onto its favorite bone) to recover the movie's MacGuffan, stolen $100 plates that the Iraqis planned to use to counterfeit a billion US dollars. Everyone wants these plates, including the Department of Defense, represented by Jessica Biel, the most beautiful and glamorous Army Captain in the proud military history of the United States of America. Biel is a personal expert on the A-Team in general and Face, personally. She's seen more than Face's face, put it that way.

Because the A-Team must become fugitives from justice, as the story goes, the team is betrayed and framed for the death of Army General Morrison (Gerald McRaney). The A-Team then escapes from four different prisons and goes on a worldwide manhunt to recover those plates, clear their names and uncover the mystery of how they were set up in Baghdad. The plot is a bewildering clothesline the action sequences are pinned on, and the answers to the mystery surprise no one who is paying attention.  (I guessed it correctly a half hour before the reveal.) But the identity of the A-Team's betrayer shocked the hell out of the A-Team, especially Hannibal, who normally possesses a God-like prescience. (The rest of the team don't fail to notice and point out when Hannibal's big brain fails them either.)

All of the actors bring their A game to The A-Team. As Hannibal, Neeson lends his unflappable gravitas but peppers it with well-timed bursts of Irish temper. As Face, Cooper is all wide-eyed, wide-grins, and ripped abs; he's basically playing every part of The Hangover solo. Copley is appropriately way, way out there as Murdock. Jackson invokes Mr. T's legendary threatening demeanor while injecting more sensitive and complex notes in his performance as B.A. Baracus. The characters' trademark quirks are honored, especially Hannibal's smug self-satisfaction, B.A.'s fear of flying, and the running gag of knocking B.A. out before he gets on any flying vehicle. All four leads share an easy camaraderie. They joyfully inhabit their characters and remold them in their images. They all seem like they're having a ball playing the A-Team. Biel also plays hard and fast chasing the A-Team while thankfully never becoming one of them; the movie takes every opportunity to point out how hot she is, as if we could somehow forget.

In most action movies, the heroes get all the witty banter while the villains are often monosyllabic stock heavies. To the credit of screenwriters Carnahan, Brian Bloom, and Skip Woods, they spread out the witty banter beyond the A-Team. Patrick Wilson as Lynch and Bloom, who plays Black Forest mercenary Pike, get their share of amusing dialogue. Wilson does a tremendous job playing a slimy heavy with plenty of brains but no balls, while Bloom is rock solid as a one man killing machine who's the antithesis of the A-Team. One of the best scenes in the movie is Wilson and Bloom in a car with two other agents, jabbering back and forth about who betrayed whom while one of the agents blunders about with screwing a silencer on a gun.  It's refreshing in an action movie such as this that every major character in The A-Team has brains and a specific point of view they're not shy about expressing with heaping amounts of snappy chatter.

Biel lays out what to expect early on, that the A-Team "specializes in the ridiculous", and she wasn't kidding.  The action in The A-Team is beyond ridiculous. And loud. My, this movie is loud. My favorite loud, ridiculous moment has to be the team escaping an airplane that's blown-up in mid-air by hiding in a tank, and then attempting to fly the tank into a lake by firing its guns and shooting down enemy drones. (Biel's line reading, "They're trying to fly the tank." is spot-on perfect with matter-of-fact admiration.)  That tops the exploding freighter in the finale, or the four absurd escapes from prison like the 3D movie ending with a humvee crashing through a wall, or how B.A. and Hannibal each take turns running over the loquacious Bloom with various vehicles.

The A-Team cuts a relentless pace. It's just one damn thing after another for Hannibal, Face, Murdock, and B.A., as even the best laid plans of Hannibal go sideways, leading the team from one fine mess into yet another fine mess. Other action movies will attempt to trickery with the audience, leaving us to guess at whatever the heroes are up to. The A-Team is about collusion; it always includes the audience, making us accomplices to their gambits. Hannibal proudly explains every aspect of his insidiously clever, forward-thinking machinations as we simultaneously see his master plans executed.  Carnahan makes sure the audience always shares the A-Team's perspective, so that the audience effectively gets to be part of the A-Team.

I pity the fool who doesn't have a good time watching The A-Team. When the next summer movie season is in trouble, if no one else can help, and if we can find them, maybe we can hire The A-Team for a sequel.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Get Him to the Greek

GET HIM TO THE GREEK

** SPOILERS **

Aldous Snow, the rock star Russell Brand played in Forgetting Sarah Marshall was probably its most interesting character.  Brand and his filmmakers obviously thought so too, and they went to the Aldous Snow well a second time, which is once too often it turns out.  Get Him to the Greek is a Sarah Marshall spinoff about Brand, but for some reason, Jonah Hill, who was Brand's sycophantic suck up stalker in Sarah Marshall, plays an entirely different character in Greek. (Kristin Bell appears in a cameo as Sarah Marshall, starring in her new show "Blind Medicine". Confusing? Not really. Just odd.) In Get Him to the Greek, Hill (As a fan, I say this out of concern, Jonah: please drop some weight) is a struggling music exec working for P. Diddy (not playing P. Diddy) who comes up with a plan to have the disgraced and in dire straits rock star Brand perform an anniversary concert at the Greek theater in LA. Hill has 72 hours to get Brand from London to that concert in LA, with pit stops in New York and Las Vegas. There's some good raunchy comedy in the first half of the movie as Hill flies to London and ends up indoctrinated in Brand's world of sex, drugs and rock & roll. Plenty of puke on Hill's face jokes result. The re-introduction of Aldous Snow that opens the picture is a righteous skewering of rock star folly and excess VH1: Behind the Music-style. But the more we get to know Brand and learn about his deadbeat, opportunistic father (Colm Meaney) and his ex, a shockingly thin Rose Byrne, the mother of his child (or so he thinks) and a fellow pop star who's now sleeping with Lars Ulrich, the dark underbelly of Get Him to the Greek kills off the good times. The comedy all but disappears by the third act. Diddy yells all his dialogue under the mistaken impression that yelling = funny. A three way scene between Brand, Hill, and Hill's doctor girlfriend Elizabeth Moss is neither funny nor sexy; just awkward and off putting.  I hate to say it but in the end, I felt like the best thing to do would be Forgetting Aldous Snow.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME

Like Sand Through The Hourglass

 ** SPOILERS **

If I had to describe Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time in one word, it would be: Brown. This is the brownest movie I've ever seen. Everything is brown. The sand, the buildings, even the skies. And the people. Especially the people. Not that the principal actors are Persian by any means. Most are British, except for the lead, American Jake Gyllenhaal. But they're all painted brown with black raccoon eyes. The spray tanner and mascara budget on this picture must have been astronomical. A buff, not-entirely-convincing, but very game Gyllenhaal plays Prince Dastan, a poor boy who was adopted by the King of Persia and grew up with the king's biological sons. He's like the Persian Tom Hagen, if Don Corleone's consigliere could run up the sides of buildings and acrobatically fight with scimitars. A whole lot of battling and killing commences over the movie's Macguffin: a dagger containing the fabled Sands of Time, which allows the holder to travel back one minute in the past (but not to the future). There's a lot of bewildering backstory about "the gods" who created the sands and the dagger (what religion are these Persians anyway?) and how piercing the dagger into a subterranean wall of sand and releasing the sand in the dagger would unleash the Armageddon of sand, or something. Beautiful Gemma Arterton got the thankless job of doling out all of this exposition, but it does give her a lot more to do (and some flatteringly flimsy costumes to wear) than she did in Clash of the Titans. Gyllenhaal and Arterton try to work a muted kind of Han Solo-Princess Leia vibe together (he the rebel with a noble heart, she the uppity princess with a noble heart); Prince of Persia is most interesting when we're watching them banter and fall in love.  Then the filmmakers work a Superman turning back time ending that takes away everything they worked hard for that was enjoyable.  The plot is incredibly busy, rushing from one acrobatic sword fight to the next, so that it's very difficult to care what's going on. Gyllenhaal takes over half the movie to realize the incredibly obvious, that the villain is Sir Ben Kingsley, then he spends the rest of the movie trying to convince everyone else Kingsley's the villain. (Remember a time before Sexy Beast when Sir Ben Kingsley was known for being Gandhi, and you didn't automatically guess he's the villain the second you see him in a movie?) The strangest thing in Prince of Persia is Alfred Molina as a sheik businessman who rails endlessly against taxes and the bureaucracy(?) of the Persian kingdom not allowing him to conduct his ostrich races. Meanwhile, in a shameless and thinly-veiled allegory to Iraq, the Persians invade Arterton's city at the start of the movie under the guise of searching for fictional weapons of mass destruction. 

Saturday, May 22, 2010

MacGruber

MACGRUBER

"It's time to pound some Cunth!"

** SPOILERS **

Naturally, when attempting to turn a series of Saturday Night Live skits into a 90 minute action comedy, the main concern is whether the joke can last more than the two minute length of the original skits.  MacGruber successfully stretches its jokes out to about a good 30 minutes. A third of MacGruber is really, really funny if you like dick jokes, cock jokes, suck your cock jokes, cunt(h) jokes, jokes about ripping throats, jokes about fucking ghosts, jokes about sticking celery up your ass, jokes about cutting dicks off and eating them, jokes about shitting in fountains, jokes about peeing on corpses, jokes about shitting on corpses, etc. (I like.)  MacGruber more than earns its hard R. The "action movie" part of MacGruber is less successful or interesting. There is never any doubt that MacGruber will eventually stop his arch enemy, the terrorist Dieter Von Cunth, from launching a nuclear missile at Washington DC. The action part of MacGruber's action comedy is really besides the point; it's just the clothesline to hang the aforementioned filthy jokes on. Will Forte, who wrote the screenplay with director Jorma Taccone (Hot Rod, which I loved) and John Solomon, is totally out there as MacGruber. Honestly, Mr. Forte, I never need to see your bare ass again - the audience never asked for that particular privilege but you more than gave us our money's worth. Ryan Phillipe was also very good as the capable solider and straight man reacting to MacGruber's incompetence and desperate sexual bargaining. I especially liked the human shield gag, and MacGruber spinning him around. (Don't need to see your bare ass ever again either, Mr. Phillipe.)  Val Kilmer's humor was comparatively more subtle as Dieter Von Cunth, but yes, I would like some potstickers and a Molson, being no stranger to substantial CostCo runs. I liked how the first five minutes of MacGruber had Powers Booth explaining MacGruber's awesome military achievements and then the rest of the movie completely goes against all that set up as we watch MacGruber fuck up again and again. Despite Will Forte, Kristin Wiig and Ryan Philippe hosting WWE Monday Night RAW a few weeks ago, I'd totally forgotten Chris Jericho, Kane, MVP, Mark Henry, and The Great Khali (all credited as such) were in MacGruber. There wasn't nearly enough of them, and they made a hilariously explosive exit from the movie reminiscent of Vince McMahon's "death" a couple of summers ago on RAW. But of the WWE guys, it was the Big Show and his liplocking who completely stole the show. MacGruber's all-1980's pop soundtrack is the jam and Blaupunkt couldn't have asked for better product placement.

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (Män som hatar kvinnor)

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (MAN SOM HATAR KVINNOR)

** SPOILERS **

IMDB says the alternate international title for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is "Millennium Part 1 - Men Who Hate Women." That title is apt. Based on the best selling novel by Stieg Larsson, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo might also be called "Sick Shit The Swedes Are Up To." Disgraced journalist Mikhail Blomkvist is hired by an old millionaire to solve the disappearance and possible murder of his niece 40 years ago. In the course of his investigation of the Vanger family, isolated on a forbidding frozen island in the northern part of Sweden, Blomkvist stumbles upon a lurid history of Nazism, ritual murder, serial killing, anti-Semitism, torture porn, rape, incest, and licorice. (I'm only kidding about the licorice.) Blomkvist is aided by mysterious, inked up, Doc Martin-wearing Goth hacker Lisbeth Salander, the titular Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, who's got her own problems. Boy, does she. Salander's own life story mirrors a lot of the sordid happenings of the main Vanger investigation; her subplot starts off pretty fucking twisted with physical assaults, sodomy, rape - all kinds of woman hating atrocities. Though an entertaining and well-made whodunit, the frankness of the pure evil from the men who hate women on display in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is genuinely unsettling. Hannibal Lecter wouldn't do some of the heinous stuff these evil Swedes perpetrate, and Jigsaw from Saw would cover his puppet's eyes at some of the depraved goings-on. The acting all around is very good.  Strong performances from the leads, Michael Nyqvist as Blomkvist and Noomi Rapace as Salander, make up for the film's glossing over the intricate character details in the novel. Julia Sporre as young Harriet Vanger in the flashbacks provides the beautiful blonde Swedish girl one goes into a movie like this expecting to see. 

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