True Grit

TRUE GRIT

** SPOILERS **

True Grit is awesome, one of the best Westerns gracing movie screens in many a moon. From a dialogue standpoint, True Grit may even be the best Western ever made. The can-do-no-wrong brothers Joel and Ethan Coen have written three unforgettably loquacious primary characters, played by Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, and Hailee Steinfeld, who jabber on endlessly and intriguingly. Even better, they each continually get sore at each other because they think they each talk too much. When her father is killed by a desperado (played by Josh Brolin as a dimwit rather unlike any character Brolin has played before - and Brolin played George W. Bush in W.) young Hailee Steinfeld recruits Bridges, a boozy, gristled U.S. Marshall, to bring Brolin to justice - as long as she can come along for the satisfaction of apprehending her daddy's killer. (One of my favorite things in movies is when a character says the title of the movie - Steinfeld hired Bridges, despite his shoot first-drink second-no questions reputation, because he has "true grit.") Meanwhile, Damon, a proud and gallant Texas Ranger, is also looking to bring Brolin in to face Texas justice. The three set out in an uneasy alliance across the dangerous 19th century Arkansas territories to find their man, arguing, falling out, and reuniting repeatedly throughout. Especially arguing. There's never been a 14 year old girl in the Old West as headstrong and intelligent as Steinfeld. She's not full of foolish talk and she's crazy brave. None of the cowpokes and townfolk who come across Steinfield know quite how to handle such a creature. It's a wondrous performance by Steinfeld. Damon is in top form as LaBeouf (which everyone pronounces "La Beef" - wonder how many people will start calling Shia that?). As Rooster Cogburn (one of the great movie names), Bridges is magnificent - a one-eyed varmint with his own code of honor who's a crack shot (after a few tries) even when drunk. I've been assured the court room scene involving Bridges on trial for the number of men he has shot under questionable circumstances may be the most realistic ever in a movie, with flawless and proper use of actual Latin and legalese. I reckon True Grit's only flaws, but they're big ones, are the bookend voice over narration by Steinfeld's character 25 years later, followed by a useless coda showing us events that would have been perfectly satisfactory to have been revealed as an end titles crawl. Even then, True Grit is the real deal; violent, engrossing, with surprising and touching moments. Watching True Grit is as much fun as playing Red Dead Redemption, and vice versa.

Tron Legacy in IMAX 3D

TRON LEGACY IN IMAX 3D

** SPOILERS **

"Tron, look what's become of you!" utters Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges) late in Tron Legacy. Become what? Entertaining? Inclusive? Visually awe-inspiring? Fun? Those must be what The Dude means. Freely borrowing - and I mean a lot - from Star Wars, Blade Runner, The Matrix, and Lord of the Rings, among other nerdy affectations, Tron Legacy reassembles those disparate parts into a feature length Disney thrill ride, leaving audiences basking in the bright, shiny colors and warm, glowing, warming glow of The Grid.

The original Tron was something I've never gotten into, or even been able to sit through. Tron Legacy requires no previous knowledge of Tron, instead adopting the only aspects of the original that are remembered fondly - the aesthetic, weapons, vehicles, and the basic idea of creating and living in a computer-generated virtual world - and then plugging it all into a familiar action adventure about a son searching for his missing father. They become freedom fighters in an astoundingly-realized, visually sumptuous virtual world of The Grid.  There's nothing regarding Tron Legacy's story we haven't seen before, but it's a sound, easily digested story. While it's executed simply in Tron Legacy, it's also executed well. The actors also worked their magic to enliven and overcome the deficiencies in Legacy's screenplay.

The real world at the start of Tron Legacy, where Sam Flynn (Garrett Hedlund) executes corporate espionage on his own company and gives away a billion-dollar computer code on the Internet before parachuting off a skyscraper, getting arrested, and then is free to walk the streets again that very night, felt considerably more implausible then everything that happens in The Grid.  Once his father's old friend Bruce Boxleitner gives Sam a kick in the ass to drop by the old Flynn's Arcade to discover Kevin Flynn's secret workshop (the Journey and Eurythmics songs were amusing 1980s touches) and Sam gets reconstructed into the virtual world of The Grid, Tron Legacy actually starts making a lot more sense.

Once in The Grid that he'd heard all about since he was a boy, Hedlund discovers his father's computer-generated doppelganger Clu (also Jeff Bridges, CGI making him look much younger and robust - the king of the Uncanny Valley) rules over The Grid with an iron fist. Clu has designs to take his Clone Army - sorry, his army of Programs - into the real world to conquer all of us Users.  After surviving video game-like light disc and lightcycle battles, Hedlund is whisked away to meet his father by Quorra (Olivia Wilde), Kevin Flynn's sleek and cheerful "apprentice."  Father and son reunited, Hedlund, Bridges, and Wilde set off to stop Clu's nefarious scheme and return Hedlund to the real world.

Bridges seems to be having a ball in his multiple roles as old Kevin Flynn, young Kevin Flynn in flashback, and Clu. The computer generated imagery that transformed Bridges into a virtual version of himself 25 years younger is off-putting at first but suits the creepy, villainous Clu. As old Kevin Flynn, Bridges zones in and out from wise zen master to chilled-out California hippie. Sometimes, he's just being The Dude, man.  He's gotta listen to the sky, don't harsh his zen. Kevin Flynn abides. Kevin Flynn loves his son dearly, even when Sam screws up his mojo and pisses him off, like when Sam steals his vintage original light cycle and gives it to a random Program on the street.  When Clu finally meets his maker at the conclusion, Bridges suddenly widens his eyes and turns into Gandalf.  Bridges is great when he quips with himself; Clu and Flynn have the funniest exchange in the movie:

Clu: "Flynn! The cycles have not been kind."
Flynn: "Oh, you don't look so bad."

That's harsh, man.  

As Quorra, Wilde is destined to be the cyber pin-up girl of a million nerds' office cubicles for a generation.  Quorra is as if Trinity from The Matrix wasn't so stern and actually had a sense of humor. Clad in her sleek, skin-tight, glowing catsuit, Wilde is radiant and formidable in a light disc fight, but innocent. She's well-read in classic books but thinks Sam knows Jules Verne personally. Mainly, Wilde is about as awesome a virtual girlfriend who follows Sam back into the real world as a guy could ask for.  It seemed to me like Kevin Flynn, expecting his grown son to come to The Grid one day, was saving Quorra for Sam. What a great dad he is, man.

Quorra has a big secret that's not really so groundbreaking - she is the last of the self-sentient Programs that came into being when Flynn created the Grid before her kind were wiped out by the Purge when Clu took power.  Like Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, and even Aaron Ralston in 127 Hours, Quorra gets her arm cut off, but she grows hers back lickety-split thanks to Kevin Flynn's fancy coding through her life disc, or whatever, man.

Though every person Sam Flynn meets in The Grid can't wait to tell him whatever their backstory is and drone on about whatever exposition needed to be explained to get to the next action sequence, there were still a lot of unanswered questions about life in The Grid.  For one, where do the Users living in The Grid get their food?  The cyber city Clu controls and the harsh mountainous terrain Kevin Flynn built his classy hippie commune in didn't really illuminate where crops and meat grow. Where did that enormous suckling pig on the Flynns' dinner table come from, and why weren't they eating it? (Maybe it was a virtual pig.)

Pleasant surprises among the cast are Cillian Murphy, who pops up in one scene at the beginning as a smug programmer, and Michael Sheen, as Zuse, the most flamboyant Program in The Grid, prancing around his nightclub in his white glowy robe and slicked back white hair.  Sheen is a lofty actor in serious roles (Frost/Nixon and The Queen, for instance), but cast him in a sci-fi or fantasy picture like Tron and he goes balls-out, scenery-chewing, batshit ballistic.

Tron Legacy's knockout one-two punches are its eye and ear candy.  Light discs fights, light cycle chases, and light jet dogfights all thrill as they should.  Who wouldn't want to just leap into the air and have a glowing colored light vehicle instantly materialize around them?  Eye candy galore also takes place with the sexy ladies who slink around The Grid, such as Beau Garrett as Gem, a techno-dreamgirl who fills out a skin-tight white jumpsuit even better than Padme Amidala. Smallville fans could blink and miss Zatanna herself, Serinda Swann, as "Siren #2".  Meanwhile, the pulse-pounding techno score by Daft Punk is one of the best of the year, occasionally invoking the regal symphonies of Vangelis' Blade Runner, and rivaling the amazing score of The Social Network by Trent Reznor and Atticus Finch.

There is also a Tron in Tron Legacy. Tron was, apparently, a character in the original Tron, and was one of the three architects of Tron Legacy's Grid, along with the two Jeff Bridges. Tron gets corrupted by Clu when he conquered The Grid, which turned him into a helmeted automaton with no dialogue.  But Tron does have Legacy's most hilarious moment, a trademark Mr. Burns "unpredictable change of heart", at the end when he decides to save the Flynns and Quorra for no reason.  Oh, that Tron. I'm sure everyone in The Grid will always remember his name.

I particularly enjoyed the final scene of Legacy. Heldlund has returned from The Grid and informs Bruce Boxleitner that he's taking back his father's company. Then he jumps on his motorcycle with a very real Wilde straddled behind him and they ride off together. They ride through the cities, into the forests and mountains so Wilde can see her first sunrise, which she'd always dreamed of in The Grid. It's a pleasing moment which argues persuasively for the beauty of our real world over The Grid or anything computer-generated. Take that, Avatar freaks who want to live on Pandora!

The Fighter

THE FIGHTER

 

 ** SPOILERS **

In The Fighter, which is based on a true story, Mark Wahlberg could very well contend for an Oscar by putting on a clinic on how to suffer in silence. Wahlberg provides a solid, intriguing center in The Fighter as Micky Ward, a blue collar boxer who has spent his whole life domineered by his madhouse of a family and toiling in the shadow of his beloved older brother, Christian Bale. Bale, like the character he plays, Dicky Eklund, "the Pride of Lowell, Massachusetts", is the flashier showman and perpetually the center of attention. Dicky once fought and knocked down Sugar Ray Leonard in a fight seen on HBO (Eklund lost and Leonard may have tripped, two details that get lost as Dicky's local legend is repeated ad nauseam). Now, Dicky is a pathetic crackhead and a criminal who "trains" his brother in between bouts of getting high. Dicky is so detached from reality and enabled all his life by his harpy of a mother (Melissa Leo, Oscar worthy herself) that he believes an HBO documentary camera crew following him around is doing so to chart his nonexistent comeback to boxing instead of what they're really there for, an expose on crack addiction. Bale, scrawny, sweaty, and feral, tends to dominate The Fighter the way his character perpetually steals attention from Wahlberg. It's a blistering performance by Bale, gunning for an Oscar nod. But it's the understated Wahlberg, stoic but needy, torn between his deep love for his brother and his desire to get out from the toxic pit of his family, who truly impresses. The Fighter is steeped in the local colah of Lowell, Mass. Wahlberg and Bale have different fathers and are related to a grotesque gaggle of sisters who all look in-bred, with their matching Walmart outfits and crunchy mall-hairstyles. Their sisters despise Wahlberg's fiery girlfriend, Amy Adams. They claim she thinks she's "so superior because she went to college", never mind that Adams dropped out and works as a bartender. Adams also has bigger aspirations than being a Lowell townie; in Wahlberg, she finds a kindred spirit and the pick of a rotten litter.  The electric, fascinating family drama of The Fighter's first half gives way to a more conventional feel-good conclusion as Bale gets clean in prison and the family more or less settles their differences to support Wahlberg. The boxing The Fighter presents is rather straightforward; a simple "head-body-head-body" fighting style Bale teaches Wahlberg takes Wahlberg to his in-ring victories. A lot of strategizing happens for Wahlberg's early opponents but none is made for his opponent in the big championship fight at the end. It's also curious how these blue collar Lowell townies are all able to watch Wahlberg's fights on HBO despite the lack of cable boxes on their beat up television sets. (I get it - they all steal cable.) When Walhberg wins his championship at the end, he and his entire family start kissing each other in the ring - it's almost like that Saturday Night Live sketch about the family that makes out with each other. At its core, The Fighter is a fairly formulaic story; the strong performances by the actors lead by Wahlberg, Bale, and Adams, and the direction by David O. Russell elevate The Fighter above the basic material into a wicked crowd pleaser. But do me a favor, Mark - don't say hi to your mother for me.

Black Swan

BLACK SWAN

** SPOILERS **

"I just want to be perfect."

Black Swan is amazing - a virtuoso, alarmingly sexy, shockingly crowd pleasing art-film-meets-psychological-thriller about the world of professional ballet. Black Swan showcases director Darren Aronofsky at the apex of his powers as a filmmaker. Aronofsky directs Natalie Portman to a magnificent career-best performance that should reward her with a completely-deserved Best Actress Academy Award.  No longer will Portman be haunted by snide remarks that the best performances she ever gave in films happened before she was old enough to drive: her turn as a 12 year old assassin in Leon: The Professional and her heart-stealing role in Beautiful Girls when she was 14. There was also Closer a decade later but Black Swan blows that out of the water.

Appearing in nearly every scene, her already petite body emaciated into the frame of a ballerina, Portman shocks and awes with her heart-wrenching emotional fragility. She spends most of the film barely holding back a complete psychological breakdown, ultimately in futility. Closed off from any semblance of a normal life, Portman sleeps in a bedroom decorated like a little girl's doll's house. Indeed, she is basically a living doll, treated as such by her frightful, domineering failed artist of a mother, Barbara Hershey. The reaction of Mila Kunis, Portman's cheerfully effervescent only friend and imagined rival, upon meeting her mother was spot-on hilarious. A slimy Vincent Cassel casts Portman, against his better judgment, as the Swan Queen in his production of "Swan Lake", after Portman tearfully pleads for the role ("I just want to be perfect!") and then bites his lip when he takes advantage of her. ("That fucking hurt!" is the biggest laugh in the film.)

As Portman toils and battles against herself to perform as both the delicate White Swan and the dreadful Black Swan, the film dizzyingly explores Portman's deteriorating psyche, invoking horrific supernatural elements as she literally transforms into the Black Swan while releasing her lifelong pent-up fears and sexual frustrations. Sex and desire is matter of fact in Black Swan, embodied by Kunis as the sexually free spirit Portman envies and lusts for as much if not moreso than she does Cassel. Aronofsky and Portman drop jaws with a stunning, in-your-face masturbation scene from Portman, which is topped by a sex scene between Portman and Kunis that's in-your-face in a totally different manner. A ghastly recurring theme is Portman's constantly bleeding fingernails, which Hershey forcibly clips off in one scene, garnering squeals and grimaces from the audience.

As in The Wrestler and the world of professional wrestling, Aronofsky is meticulous in detailing the rituals, physical preparation, and the ordeal ballerinas go through on a daily basis (broken, bleeding toes are just the start of it). Aranofsky also has a bit of fun when introducing two guys Portman and Kunis meet at a club who, appropriately, know nothing about ballet and scoff at the idea they should come to the ballet to see them perform. Nor does Black Swan shy away from the catty backstage jealousies between the ballerinas. Through it all, Natalie Portman heroically carries Black Swan on her tiny, milky shoulders, never compromising her powerful verisimilitude even in the the film's most fantastical moments in her doomed pursuit of her own perfection. Deliriously astounding and unforgettably bravura, Black Swan speaks thrillingly to caution anyone obsessively pursuing a creative endeavor to the point of their own destruction.

I propose the Black Swan drinking game - Take a drink whenever a character touches another's crotch. Two when Natalie touches her own. Three when Mila... you'll know it when you see it.

The Expendables

THE EXPENDABLES

** SPOILERS **

If ever a movie oozed machismo, it's Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables. Sweaty, leathery, tattooed, gun-toting, exploderiffic machismo. This is a movie where every vehicle Stallone rides has "The Expendables" emblazoned on it - because it matches the tattoo on his back. The Expendables is hyped up as all of the greatest action movie stars ever assembled together in one movie; it sort of is but it really isn't.

In reality, The Expendables bands together many of the greatest B-movie action movie stars of the past decade-or-so: international action gods Jason Statham and Jet Li are the main stars besides Stallone himself. (It's funny how the three headlining action heroes are largely incomprehensible when they speak) Li is on board to chop socky fight and to earn more money for the family he claims to have. Statham is probably the most interesting Expendable, especially when he beats up the entire basketball team of the asshole who hit the woman he loves, Charisma Carpenter. Mickey Rourke, as the Expendables' grisled tattoo artist and mission liaison, provides gravitas (no, really) with a heartfelt speech about his missing soul. A brief scene with Sly, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is the biggest action junkie geek out moment, but it really only makes one wish The Expendables happened with these three together 20 years ago.

Nevertheless, holy shit, The Expendables is hilariously action-packed and action-packed with hilarity. The ultra-violence is completely over the top with bodies regularly exploding into pieces, all sorts of  gruesome dismemberments (the best is Sly chopping off an enemy's head with a bowie knife in one swipe), and explosions. Lots and lots of fiery explosions. The Expendables don't know how to exit a fight without detonating absolutely everything - and everyone - in sight into a fireball you could see from outer space. Explosions solve everything! I also really liked when instead of just escaping in their sea plane, since they'd already gotten away scot free, Stallone and Statham turned the plane around specifically to light the enemy soldiers on fire.

In-jokes galore for those in the know include Dolph Lundgren as the rouge junkie Expendable who betrays them and tries to kill Sly and Li. Of course, Rocky Balboa and Ivan Drago can't get along. Except that, no, they can and Dolph's back in the fold drinking with his buddies at the end, even after it looked like Sly shot him dead. Stone Cold Steve Austin as the villainous Eric Roberts' top ass kicker wins a dream match with Stallone, but then loses an Inferno Match against Randy Couture.

But my favorite thing of all in The Expendables is how neither Stallone, nor any of the Expendables, nor I, fully understood the reasons why Sly had to go back to that island nation and rescue that woman. Or even why Eric Roberts had to take her hostage and didn't just kill her. I guess I'm also confused as to why, in a movie called The Expendables, none of the Expendables died. You know, because they're expendable. But why anything? When half the island blows the fuck up to kingdom come just because, there's no need to be asking why. The Expendables 2 next, please, thank you.

Wish list for The Expendables 2: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Carl Weathers, Mr. T., Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and my number one request: Ralph Macchio! (Think about it.) How about female Expendables? Gina Carano, Milla Jovovich, and Charisma Carpenter promoted to female Expendable. Or Sarah Michelle Gellar! Sky's the limit, Sly.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, PART 1

** SPOILERS **

Harry Pitches A Tent

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 begins the final chapter of the world's most beloved wizarding saga and aims to deliver the grandest Harry Potter movie adventure of all. It's certainly the longest. At two and a half stately-paced hours, this Hagrid-sized film epic is full to the Sorting Hat's brim with beloved and not-so-beloved characters making (in some cases their final) appearances, deepening mysteries, and debuting characters previously mentioned in the prior chapters. There are new revelations, tragic deaths, and there is camping.  Lots and lots of camping. 

Following the tragic events of the previous entry, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Professor Dumbledore has died at the hands of Severus Snape, who was working for Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters (or so it seems). Before his demise, Dumbledore charged Harry with the task for finding and destroying the missing Horcruxes, the keys to the ultimate defeat of Lord Voldemort.  Harry doesn't quite get around to his quest until after the first thirty minutes or so. To his credit, he tries to get going with his job sooner, but Ron talks Harry back to hang around and watch his brother Bill get married to Fleur Delacour. 

Up until the Death Eaters attack the Weasleys' wedding reception, The Death Hallows, Part 1 is basically one giant cameo-a-thon. So many recurring characters pop up, you'd need a Ph.D in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter just to keep everyone straight. The first welcome cameo is by Bill Nighy as the new Minister of Magic. He gets a couple of scenes before dying off screen. Then let's see, all of the Weasleys appear, Mad-Eye Moody, Fleur Delacour, Professor Lupin, What's Her Name, the black guy with the fez hat, and maybe there were others... it was actually easier to keep track of them all when most of them drank Poly Juice Potion and all ended up looking identical to Harry. They're all present to provide callbacks to the previous films (interrupting Harry's private bittersweet callbacks of watching the Dursleys hit the bricks and then remembering all the good times when he lived in the cupboard under the stairs) and then protect Harry from an aerial attack by the Death Eaters. 

Before they burst from the clouds on their broomsticks like a bunch of screaming banshees, the Death Eaters held an exclusive pow wow at Lucius Malfoy's house.  Lord Voldemort is (always) the guest of honor. Also in attendance were all of the Malfoys, Snape, Wormtail, Bellatrix Lestrange, Count Chocula, Mr. Burns, Rainier Wolfcastle, Sideshow Bob, and Ernst Stavro Blofeld. A Death Eater corporate retreat is actually far, far worse than the ones held by SPECTRE in the old James Bond movies. They kill someone at both meetings, but at least at the SPECTRE meetings no one has to sit around and watch Nagiri the python eat the corpse on the boardroom table. Even though the forces of evil are winning, morale in the Death Eaters is low, and one can easily see why. Their boss is a snake-faced psychopath - what exactly do they have to look forward to if Voldemort conquers the world?

When the Weasley-Delacour wedding reception is attacked by the Black Smoke (Death Eaters always like to burst from the clouds like the Smoke Monster on Lost, only without the clanking sound effects), Harry, Ron and Hermione escape to downtown London and are pretty much on their own for the whole rest of the movie. It's clear immediately that they have no idea what to do. This is a bummer and surprising. After all, Dumbledore died at the end of the prior school year. They had all summer to come up with a plan of action to locate and destroy the Horcruxes, but no, they've got nothing. At least Hermione thought ahead: she came prepared with a magical bottomless bag containing the equivalent of three of Batman's utility belts. Dumbledore also bequeathed Harry, Ron, and Hermione each something from his Will, but the most important item, the Sword of Godric Griffyndor, is missing. Why not go look for that?  No, the three young Wizards don't have any idea where to look for the Sword anymore than they do the Horcruxes.

It was delightful, however, to see Harry, Ron and Hermione roaming the streets of London. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was the movie that established that the Harry Potter saga takes place in the modern world and that all of the kids are modern kids. Although unlike modern Muggle kids, Harry, Ron and Hermione don't have laptops, Skype, Facebook, Twitter, and aren't texting each other every damn second.  Modern kids also don't have to constantly duck, run and hide from ugly blokes on broomsticks blasting them with wands. 

After a couple of ugly blokes try to blast them with wands, the Wizarding firm of H, R & H hide out in the dusty old house of the late, lamented Sirius Black, Harry's godfather. Re-introduced into the Harry Potter movies are Kreacher and Dobby the House Elves, both reminders of the more innocent years of when Harry Potter was whimsical and aimed for fanciful children, instead of how bleak, grim and killy-kill-kill the Harry Potter saga has now become. Kreacher and Dobby are awkward presences now, with the kids much older and the world about to end, but on the other hand the CGI for the House Elves is far more convincing than in the prior films.

Probably the most entertaining sequence in Deathly Hallows, Part 1 involves Harry, Ron, and Hermione using Poly Juice Potion (again with the Poly Juice Potion!) to impersonate three employees of the Ministry of Magic so they can steal the locket, which is a Horcrux, of their evil former Headmaster Delores Umbridge. (Umbridge was last seen being carried away by a bunch of centaurs in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but I guess she's fine. One wonders what, er, favors, got her out of being stampeded by the centaurs she insulted as being inferior creatures.)  The size and scope of the Ministry of Magic set is awe-inspiring, and the sequence thrillingly invoked Luke Skywalker and Han Solo bungling into the Death Star to rescue Princess Leia.

There's a frightful excursion to Godric's Hollow, both the birthplace of Dumbledore and where Harry's parents James and Lily Potter died to save their son, wherein Harry and Hermione have a thrilling battle with Nagiri the snake.  Our Wizarding Super Friends also get attacked at the home of Luna Lovegood, and later are trapped in the home of Lucius Malfoy, where Bellatrix Lestrange slices and dices the word "Mudblood" into poor Hermione. Hermione isn't a cutter, but Bellatrix sure is. 

But mainly, Harry, Ron and Hermione go camping. For months on end, they pitch a tent and go camping, in the woods, by a lake, in the mountains. They don't do any of the fun things one does while camping like sing songs or go fishing; they just sit around morosely and complain about how they don't know what to do and why they can't destroy the one Horcrux they found.  Inexplicably, they each take turns wearing the Horcrux locket, which contains some ill-defined power like the One Ring in Lord of the Rings that drives the wearer mad. Harry yells at Ron, Ron yells at Hermione, Hermione yells at Harry - Hey dummies!  Stop wearing the stupid Horcrux locket!  Put it in your pockets, or better yet, in Hermione's bottomless bag and stay away from it! 

Really, I expect better logic from Hermione, who got the biggest laugh in the movie when she proudly explains to Harry why her logic makes her so damn smart. (Also, loveable.) Second biggest laugh in the movie - and this is a movie where there is precious little laughter to be had - was the awkward shout out to Twilight when Ron interrupted Hermione telling the story of the Three Brothers (excellently animated) from The Tales of Beedle the Bard: "Midnight. My mum always says midnight. But Twilight's just as good!" What an olive branch to the Stephanie Meyer and her legion of Twi-hards. Let the two tween fandoms join as one in Harry's tent under the stars!

Eventually, Ron gets sick of all the camping and bolts in a fit of imagined jealousy over the closeness of Harry and Hermione. With Ron out of the way, The Deathly Hallows, Part 1 toys a bit with the sexual tension between Harry and Hermione. For a minute, Harry stops pouting and it occurs to him he's stuck in a tent with the most beautiful Mudblood in Britain. The film introduces a brand new moment where Harry and Hermione dance together sweetly to break the tension and sorrow in their tent. But they don't kiss, no, no. Their hearts are both promised to Weasleys and the movie wouldn't dare violate what JK Rowling has laid down as inviolate law in her books. However, when Ron does return and helps Harry find the Sword of Griffyndor, the Horcrux locket conjures a thoroughly questionable illusion of Harry and Hermione naked and embracing. Wait, showing Ron a vision of the girl he loves about to hump his best friend was supposed to stop Ron from attacking the Horcrux how? (Maybe the Horcrux thought Ron would stab Harry with the sword instead. Seems to me the Horcrux was making a lot of assumptions.)

Very late in the movie, the Horcruxes, which are the main things that concern H, R & H for the entire movie, take a back seat when Luna Lovegood's father introduces the existence of the Deathly Hallows, three legendary magical objects that combined together can kill Voldemort, I think. The Deathly Hallows are the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand ever made, which was buried with Dumbledore but Voldemort recovers after he exhumes his ex-headmaster's rather well-preserved corpse in the final scene, a stone that could be the Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone (depending on which side of the Pond you're from), and the Invisibility Cloak that's been in Harry's possession since the first movie. Wait, do they need the Horcruxes at all now? Will the Deathly Hallows be enough to kill Voldemort? (I only read the book once the weekend it came out so I've honestly forgotten.)

There is no traditional three act movie structure to speak of in The Deathly Hallows, Part 1. Screenwriter Steve Kloves essentially ripped JK Rowling's novel in half and wrote the script for Part 1, choosing the death of Dobby the House Elf as the end point.  The movie doesn't build to Dobby's death, the movie just stops there.  Maddeningly, the demise of Dobby is given more weight and impact than the death of Dumbledore in Half-Blood Prince! Dumbledore just falls to his death and is met with silence from a school-full of shocked zombies barely emoting. (What an infuriating cheat of the audience that the movies never show us the magnificent funeral for Dumbledore as described in the novel.)  Dobby the fucking House Elf dies with famous last words in a tearful Harry's arms, compete with Harry personally digging his grave and burying him. (If I wrote the script, Dobby dies, followed by Harry suddenly blurting out, "Well, who wants House Elf for dinner?")

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is carried entirely by the considerable charm of its three leads, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint. Many of the venerable adult actors such as Alan Rickman, Robbie Coltrane, Ralph Fiennes, Helena Bonham Carter and John Hurt make their usual welcome contributions, but they're completely background players in Deathly Hallows, Part 1.  Even their Hogwarts classmates are mere walk-ons; this is the first Harry Potter movie where we spend no time whatsoever at the beloved Hogwarts school. We do find out via radio broadcast Snape is suddenly Headmaster. This movie is all about Hermione, Ron, and Harry, and even moreso about Harry and Hermione, who are in nearly every scene together. Any deficiencies they may still have as actors are nullified by how Radcliffe, Watson and Grint inhabit these characters inside and out. They live these characters, they are Harry, Ron, and Hermione. 

The Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is the most ambitiously filmed Harry Potter movie, featuring stunning location shooting all over the United Kingdom. But what the movie lacks is ebb and flow. Speaking in the Queen's English, The Deathly Hallows, Part 1 lacks zip, zazz, zowie. Every now and then there's a kapow!, but not nearly often enough. The memorable sequences of action and interest are welcome interruptions to the constant, interminable stretches where not a lot happens besides good looking, dour young Brits camping.

Director David Yates was chosen by the producers as the steward of the final four Harry Potter films and, as with his previous efforts, Yates has continued to deliver an enjoyable but underwhelming live action rendering of Rowling's story. (Not to say Rowling's seventh book doesn't have inherent problems, like, say, the first 400+ pages.) Yates benefits from attractive, appealing young leads, magnificent supporting actors, wondrous locations, and the finest visual effects money can buy. And yet, The Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is the latest of his Harry Potter films to revel in the gathering storm of darkness while simultaneously lacking the wonder and joie de vivre of the novels. If we didn't already like the three lead actors, if we didn't already have an investment of boundless good will towards the Harry Potter saga, would anyone sit through this grim marathon of drudgery?

At this point, it's a no-brainer audiences who have spent the last decade loving Harry Potter will return for the second half of The Deathly Hallows. Much like the magical Room of Requirement in Hogwarts, the movie theaters showing The Deathly Hallows, Part 2 will be in and of themselves rooms of requirement.  It is my fondest wish that in the action-packed ultimate confrontation between Harry and Voldemort, with the lives of the entire Wizarding world at stake, director Yates has saved his grandest trick for last and gives the Harry Potter movie saga the truly magical ending it and we deserve.

Megamind

MEGAMIND

** SPOILERS **

Megamind is a wonderfully inventive homage to Superman, flip flopping everything through the point of view of Lex Luthor. Honoring all of the classic tropes of the rivalry between Superman and Lex Luthor (with a nod to Brainiac), Megamind opens with the fiendish Megamind (voiced heroically by Will Farrell) and his lifelong arch rival, handsome champion of do-goodery Metroman (Brad Pitt), both rocketed to Earth from dying worlds as infants. They spent their lives locked in an eternal struggle between Good and Evil - until Megamind accidentally wins.  Now the overlord of Metro City (Megamind gets laughs by constantly mispronouncing words - Metro City becomes "Metrocity" and he pronounces school as "shoole"), Megamind takes slightly longer to get bored with having no one to do battle with than General Zod did when he conquered the White House in Superman II.  Looking for a new rival, he empowers the worst person imaginable, a worthless, slovenly camera operator named Hal Stewart (an amusing in-joke mashup of Green Lantern secret identities), with all of Metroman's powers. Stewart becomes Titan (voiced by Jonah Hill), and quickly becomes an even greater menace than Megamind ever was.  In further references to Superman, Megamind poses as Titan's "space dad" to unsuccessfully train him as a hero, doing a savvy impersonation of Marlon Brando as Jor-El crossed with Don Corleone. Megamind even romances girl reporter Roxy Ritchi (Tina Fey). In Megamind, even the bad guy can get the girl in the end, but only after pretending to be someone else and lying to her constantly.  The voice over work by all the of actors is tremendous, but David Cross was a standout as Megamind's loyal talking fish Minion. (How odd that this year's other excellent animated film about a super villain, Despicable Me, also had minions named Minion.) Chock-full of self-aware, hilarious dialogue, genuine surprises in the story, and a welcome amount of heart, Megamind is the best Superman movie we'll never get to see in live-action. Especially with how Megamind features two characters as stand-ins for the Man of Steel, both of whom are disappointments. When Megamind's end credits rolled, I half-expected to see the writing credit go to Lex Luthor. Megamind would be Lex Luthor's favorite movie. He'd probably even be in tears from sheer joy at the end

Unstoppable

UNSTOPPABLE

** SPOILERS **

Runaway Train, Never Comin' Back. Runaway Train On A One Way Track.

Unstoppable is Thomas The Tank Engine on steroids. It's like Speed 2 except with a train instead of a boat. Unstoppable is also an immensely entertaining, careening joyride.

If there's any justice in this world, runaway freight train 777 would take its place alongside the shark in Jaws as one of the great movie villains of all time.  At the very least 777 deserves to win Best Villain in next year's MTV Movie Awards.  Because bumbling boob Ethan Suplee didn't properly set its air brakes and exited the cab, 777 became the most dangerous vehicle in southern Pennsylvania. Traveling at speeds in excess of 70 MPH, 777 is "a missile the size of the Chrysler Building"; it has over thirty cars attached and sports not only three cars worth of Diesel fuel but several tons of toxic chemicals.  If it derails, it could destroy a town and kill thousands.  Left unchecked it can "vaporize everything in its path."

The only two men who can stop 777 are a couple of down on their luck working men who also happen to look like movie stars: Denzel Washington and Chris Pine. They don't like or trust each other at first but nothing bonds two men like risking their lives to stop a runaway train. Pine, a rookie conductor four months out of training, is estranged from his wife and trying to have a restraining order rescinded so he can see his young son. Denzel is a 28 year engineer facing forced retirement and is himself estranged from his college-age daughters, who are both Hooters waitresses. (Pine with a big grin: "I'm a fan." My man!)  Someone else who could work at Hooters is Rosario Dawson, who runs the rail operations and believes Denzel and Pine are the only ones who can stop 777, despite corporate interference from Kevin Dunn, the Incompetent Executive Who Is Wrong About Everything.  

An action picture about a runaway train doesn't necessarily require a great deal of depth or complexity, but the actors bring a convincing urgency and believability to Unstoppable, which is "based on true events".  When Captain Kirk finally, injured foot and all, leaps into the cab of 777 and stops that train cold while Malcolm X cheers from the roof of the rear cab, the blue collar heroism on display is rousing and fun. Denzel even hilariously scores a kiss from Dawson at the end while his Hooters Girls daughters hoot, holler, and applaud.

My pitch for Unstoppable 2: 777 is again a runaway freight train, this time stalking Denzel, Pine, and their families while they vacation in the Caribbean.

Skyline

SKYLINE

** SPOILERS **

"I hate LA."

Upon reflection, Skyline's greatest achievement is making one appreciate everything Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds did right.  Skyline is War of the Worlds for Dummies. The dummies in question are a gaggle of some of the most tedious-to-be-around characters ever to be trapped in a luxurious high-rise penthouse in Los Angeles during an alien invasion.  Eric Balfour is a Brooklyn artist reunited with his childhood friend Donald Faison.  Faison is a big success now, driving a Ferrari and banging skanks (and I mean skanks) like Brittany Daniel and Crystal Reed in said luxurious high-rise penthouse.  Of course, one assumes he's a rapper, but no, apparently he runs a visual effects house or something and wants to bring a reticent Balfour on board.  The character drama revolving around Balfour's pregnant girlfriend Scottie Thompson not wanting to move to LA while Daniel is shocked to learn Faison is sleeping with Reed is excruciating, but we endure to see the aliens.  How is it possible when the aliens arrive, the movie actually gets worse? The unnamed aliens unleash blue lights that vacuum up humans into their motherships.  For some reason, the blue lights also decay people - but they also somehow made Balfour more-than human (in a riff taken from District 9) because he stared at the blue light for too long, or something.  When they're done lighting up LA, the aliens send out tentacled probe thingies and giant monster thingies to grab people, suck off their heads, and smash things, stealing concepts and moments wholesale from War of the Worlds and the also-superior Cloverfield. The aliens have no stated purpose, nor is anyone even remotely curious what they are and why they're here.  I was curious about why the aliens spent so much time hanging around the apartment building Faison lived in.  Seriously, they sent wave after wave of creatures into that one apartment complex to hunt down like six people. The aliens are pretty inefficient, unlike the aliens in Independence Day, which Skyline also rips off when presenting aerial battles between human fighter jets and alien fighter pods. The one amusing moment was how Faison was dispatched, driving in his open-topped Ferrari while knowing aliens were afoot, literally.  The characters are complete idiots.  Balfour kept insisting they escape in a boat because as far as he could see from the penthouse windows, the alien ships weren't docked over the water. I'm sorry, are these the M. Night Shyamalan aliens who are afraid of water? Then the Apartment Building Manager enters their lives; first he seems heroic but then he turns out to be a bug-eyed, bullying lunatic. Finally, after a morbid but at least conclusive sci-fi moment where Balfour and Thompson are sucked into an alien ship, instead of ending and cutting their losses, Skyline makes matters even worse by showing the interior of the alien ship.  Balfour is decapitated and the aliens eat his brain but his brain is "special" for some reason (it glows red instead of blue) and he becomes a rebellious alien ready to fight all the other aliens in a sequel. Holy. Shit. No.

The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest (Luftslottet som sprängdes)

THE GIRL WHO KICKED THE HORNET'S NEST (LUFTSLOLLET SOM SPRANGDES)

** SPOILERS **

The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest brings the sordid, lurid saga of hacker extraordinaire Lisbeth Salander to its inevitable conclusion. Picking up directly where The Girl Who Played With Fire left off, Lisbeth has been hospitalized from her near-death experience of being shot several times and buried alive before exacting vengeance on her evil crimelord father.  Unlike the more propulsive, almost Bourne-like Girl Who Played With Fire, which was driven by Lisbeth's actions to find out who framed her for murder and why, Hornet's Nest is a sprawling, endlessly-talky game of Keep Away - Keep Lisbeth Away From These Evil Scumbag Swedes Who Want Her Dead. As Lisbeth recovers from her wounds, even more shady forces - a secret cabal of sinister, old and frail scumbag Swedish men dubbed The Section - rally to finish her off once and for all. The Section even enlist the sinister old scumbag psychiatrist who had 12 year old Lisbeth committed, abused her while she was in his care, and then had her declared legally incompetent. Plus Lisbeth's hulking, mute, and murderous half brother continues to skulk around Stockholm. Fortunately, Lisbeth is again aided by her knight in journalistic armor, Mikail Blomkvist.  Although the Berlin Wall of Silence Lisbeth imposed in the previous film had fallen by its end, Blomkvist still spends most of Hornet's Nest away from her; he assigns his pregnant attorney sister Annika as her legal counsel while he moves into Lisbeth's apartment, sleeps in her bed, and uses her wifi. Meanwhile, as Blomkvist engages his magazine Millennium to publicly reveal the massive conspiracy aimed against this one girl with the dragon tattoo, he and his co-workers are besieged by death threats. This leads to one of the few and welcome bursts of action in the film as Blomkvist and a would-be assassin brawl in a restaurant. While hospitalized, Lisbeth composes her autobiography - No doubt if she published it in three volumes, they would become international best sellers and would have both Swedish and Hollywood films made of them. The performances are again very fine from leads Noomi Rapace and Michael Nyquist, though they've got these characters down to a T. His performance almost skirts the edge of perfunctory. It's unfortunate also that Rapace, who cleaned up so nicely in the previous film, reverts back to her offputting 1980's goth look, complete with mohawk and combat boots by the end. The DVD of the rape of Lisbeth in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - the most important and pivotal rape ever committed in Sweden - once again is referenced, as if any of us who saw it could ever forget it. 

Winter's Bone

WINTER'S BONE

** SPOILERS **

In Winter's Bone, Jennifer Lawrence is astounding as a type of teenager rarely seen in movies. Raised in her bleak Ozark mountain shanty house and surrounded by a community where everyone is related in some way or another ("bread and butter"), Lawrence is the caretaker of two young siblings and a mentally handicapped mother. She's tough and brave, resourceful and independent, underestimated by everyone around her but unflinching and proud of who she is and what she comes from. Her missing father cooked meth and has skipped his parole hearing. If he isn't found in a few days, she and her family will lose their house. Lawrence takes this responsibility upon herself without question or complaint and goes on a Hero's Journey to find her father, confronting her "kin" for answers. She is threatened, frightened, bullied (by her uncle played by Deadwood's John Hawkes), lied to, beaten, and nearly killed, but she continues on because there is no recourse but to find her father or proof of what became of him.

Lawrence's courage and inner strength is epitomized by the following exchange:

"What should we do with you?"
"Kill me, I guess."
"That idea's already been said. Got any others?"
"Help me. Ain't no one's said that idea yet."

It's interesting that everything Lawrence does is not to get ahead or achieve something for herself, but simply to maintain what little she has as a status quo, which is enough.  Some of the most poignant moments are of Lawrence in school gazing dreamily at the ROTC - she hopes to join the Army not as a way out, but only because they pay $40,000 for the five year commitment. What a sad scene it was when she explained to the Army recruiter she was only interested in the Army for the money, which she is desperate for, and he gently rebuffed her because she can't take her siblings with her to basic training, nor would she get paid the money she'd be joining for for five years.  The resolution to Lawrence's story offers a reward that feels like almost too much, but the final moments are moving and just right for this girl who would "be lost without the burden [of her family] on her back."

Winter's Bone is the second great film I've seen this year where the plot and salvation of the main character hinges on an amputation (the other being 127 Hours). It seems so much cooler when someone's arm gets chopped off by a lightsaber in Star Wars.

127 Hours

127 HOURS

** SPOILERS **

Adapted from the aptly-titled memoir "Between a Rock and a Hard Place", 127 Hours is the harrowing, powerful new film by director Danny Boyle, based on the true story of Aron Ralston. In April 2003, thrill-seeking mountaineer Ralston was trapped in Blue John Canyon in Utah. His right arm was pinned by a boulder. After five days, a desperate Ralston did the unthinkable and amputated his own arm, freeing himself and saving his own life. Following up his Academy Award winning Slumdog Millionaire, the best film of 2008, Boyle used his newfound Hollywood muscle to get 127 Hours made. Boyle and his Slumdog filmmaking team employ their considerable talents in high definition video cinematography and riveting sound design, utilizing every trick they know to craft "an action movie about someone who can't move." As Ralston, James Franco delivers an incredible, Academy Award-worthy performance, beginning as a cocksure adventurer and running through the gamut of emotions during his ordeal. Though he has interludes with Amber Tamblyn and Kate Mara at the start of the movie, and there are flashbacks to his life and to his sister (Lizzy Caplan, who oddly has no lines), Franco is basically on the screen alone for almost the entire film. The audience is trapped in that cave with him as he heroically tries everything he can think of to free himself, until he is ultimately forced to make a  choice to save his own life that many wouldn't. To the horror and revulsion of most audiences, Boyle doesn't flinch from showing the pivotal amputation, and while the entire film essentially builds to it, that terrible moment doesn't overshadow the uplifting and life-affirming message of 127 Hours.  In its own way, 127 Hours echoes the message of Boyle's 1996 masterpiece Trainspotting: Choose Life. 127 Hours unforgettably celebrates the desire to live and the indomitability of the human spirit.

The Girl Who Played With Fire (Flickan som lekte med elden)

THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE (FLICKAN SOM LEKTE MED ELDEN)

** SPOILERS **

All The Best Hackers Have Daddy Issues

If one can judge a sequel's quality by how much less it made my skin crawl than the original, then The Girl Who Played With Fire is a better movie, or at least a better movie going experience, than The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Your milage may vary. Myself, I appreciated the creepy, sordid woman-hating abuses and sexcapades of the Swedes taking a backseat this time around. Oh, plenty of sex was still there, as was the woman hating, but The Girl Who Plays With Fire thankfully lacks the brutal, hard-to-sit-through sequences of rape, abuse and sexual violence of its predecessor. Instead of the forbidding dread and gloom of Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Plays With Fire is a beautifully shot, entertaining, crackerjack mystery thriller. Noomi Rapace returns as Lisbeth Salander, the introverted, dragon-tattooed computer hacker and heroine of this saga. This time, a wealthy, well-traveled Lisbeth is framed for murders she didn't commit by enemies old and new. Lisbeth goes on a rather Bourne-esque manhunt throughout Stockholm to clear her name, all the while uncovering long-buried secrets about her past and family. The Girl Who Played With Fire delves deeply into the childhood of Lisbeth Salander, uncovering her links to a former Soviet GRU official who is now a crime lord, and a hulking blond brute who killed the people Lisbeth was framed for. When not brooding in her bay windows about how to untangle the labyrinthine web she finds herself in, Lisbeth finds herself in more mortal peril than ever before. On the other hand, living as a fugitive murder suspect was a welcome excuse for Lisbeth to shed her trademark piercings and goth apparel, revealing Rapace to be a radiant leading lady. Lisbeth cleans up very nicely, but it's fleeting, as by the final scene, she's been shot several times, beaten, and buried alive. But you can't stop that girl with the dragon tattoo! Lisbeth is aided once again by Michael Nyquist as crusading journalist Mikail Blomkvist. Blomkvist was the main character in Dragon Tattoo and remains the male lead, but here he is largely left out of the action, reduced to waiting by the sidelines investigating the trail of bodies and clues Lisbeth leaves behind. The pivotal moment for Blomkvist was visiting Lisbeth's spacious new flat and discovering the DVD of her being raped by her old guardian. He couldn't sit through it, but goody for him that he had the luxury of turning the DVD off, unlike the audience watching Dragon Tattoo in the theater.

Legion

LEGION

** SPOILERS **

According to Legion, the biggest assholes in all of Creation are 1) God, 2) His angels, and 3) Man, although if you were to ask the God depicted in Legion, that list would be in reverse.  It would take the 90 minutes of Legion's running time to list everything terrible from a movie-watching perspective and offensive from a - never mind religion - but a common sense perspective, but here are the highlights: According to Legion, God has "lost faith" in Man because "He got tired of all the bullshit." "The last time this happened, He sent a Flood." Now, He does something infinitely less efficient and much more retarded: He tells his massive army of armored, tattooed angels (we never see the tattoo parlor in Heaven, but we do see Legion's Heaven is as underlit as the rest of the movie) to go down to Earth and wipe Man out.

But most importantly, the angels have to kill the unborn child of down and out waitress Adrianne Palicki (who skipped the fourth season of Friday Night Lights to make Legion - why?). It's really important for the angels to kill Palicki's baby before its born because - why? The baby would still be pretty useless and vulnerable unless it grows up, gets into a good school, and any of the bazillion things that would have to happen for it to be a threat to the scumbags up in Heaven.

The angels' tactics are as inscrutable as God's will: First, they attack the Mohave Desert diner Palicki works in by sending an old lady possessed by a demon to climb the walls. Then the angels send an ice cream truck with a demonic ice cream man. Then they send a wave of cars full of demon people possessed by angels. All of them fail because you can conveniently shoot and kill angels with guns. There are also hordes of locusts in the sky but they don't attack the diner, so they don't really fucking matter.

Palicki has a protector, Paul Bettany, who plays the angel Michael. Along with watching over mankind, the angels have also watched The Terminator because Bettany pretty much just does a riff on Michael Biehn as Kyle Reese. According to Legion logic, the first thing Bettany does in his first scene when he lands on Earth is cut off his wings, which then means he has to steal a police car and drive to the diner in the imaginatively named Paradise Falls. While all the rest of the angels fight with demonic supernatural powers, or even a big club as wielded by main angel baddie Kevin Durand as the archangel Gabriel, Bettany knows how to shoot guns and even instruct others how to shoot guns at the angels.

The rest of the "What the hell are all these people doing here?" cast hanging out in the diner for various insipid reasons include Dennis Quaid, Charles S. Dutton, Kate Walsh, Willa Holland, and veterans from The Fast and the Furious franchise Tyrese and Lucas Black. For all the dunder headed blatherings about faith and who has it, Bettany is a monosyllabic bore and none of these people trapped in the diner with him are particularly impressed by having a real live angel in their midst. The ending is literally a deus ex machina of the worst kind, where God has a complete change of heart (off screen) and calls the whole fucking thing off. My God, Legion is an unholy piece of shit of Biblical proportions.

Smallville 10x5 - "Isis"

ROLL CALL:

SUPERMAN! LOIS LANE! TESS MERCER! THE GREEN ARROW!
Special DC Universe Guest Star (sort of):
ISIS!
With special mention of:
BLACK ADAM! (Isis pulls a dagger specifically marked "Dagger of Teth-Adam, Khandaq")

The following is a love letter to Erica Durance. She's wonderful. The best Lois Lane ever. Ever. She was always hot, but for the last couple of seasons, she's become more and more endearing, neurotic, and lovable as Lois. And we found out this episode she does a really good Clark/Tom Welling as Clark impression. It's completely unfair that Erica Durance will never even be considered for an Emmy despite the incredible work she's doing as Lois Lane.

The big news is that Smallville finally pulled the trigger on Clark telling Lois he's the Blur (and presumably, about the rest of his secret, like being from Krypton). Lois has known since last season, of course, but she desperately needed the validation of Clark actually telling her, thereby proving he loves her enough to trust her completely. He does. Actually, Clark tells her twice, but the first time on the Daily Planet roof didn't count because the spirit of Isis had possessed Lois' body. Isis' uninterested reaction to the news that Clark is the Blur was the opposite of Lois'.

Clark's second, successful attempt at telling the real Lois resulted in Lois' throwing herself at Clark in a super sexy way. As a pay off to this lingering issue, it was just about perfect. And at this point, I believe every member of the remaining primary cast members now have no superhero secrets they're keeping from each other.

The second big news, not quite as major, but in its own way surprisingly moving, is Tess being let into the Justice League. (I sort of thought they were already calling themselves the "Justice League", but I guess not. Oliver and Clark still just call it "the team".) Tess has been kicked around all over the place since she joined Smallville, but because she selflessly helped Clark and Oliver find Lois/Isis (after Hawkman couldn't be located, to the heroes' chagrin), Clark and Oliver (Clark a little hesitantly) asked Tess to take Chloe's place and run Watchtower. This big thumbs up to Tess literally sent Tess running out of the room overwhelmed by emotion. Cassidy Freeman also deserves serious props for the layers she brings to Tess, the most difficult, complex character in Smallville. Smallville should have their own Emmys if that what it takes to give this show the acclaim it deserves.

Oliver and Tess had a few tete-a-tetes about love and loss. Oliver is still pining for Chloe, but his heartfelt speeches about her melted Tess' iced-over heart. I guess now the ball is in Tess' court to reveal her secrets to Clark and Oliver: 1) She was a Checkmate agent (I thought Checkmate was hunting her and her life was in danger? Guess not.) 2) Tess has also been secretly raising the young Alexander Luthor clone at Luthor Mansion, and she learned the joys of letting that future bald super villain sit in her lap while she reads him "Peter Pan". Tess hasn't told anyone she's mothering the Next Lex, nor that he's growing at an alarming rate.

The main plot involved Oliver, now a superhero rock star since "coming out" as Green Arrow, throwing a giant Egyptian party full of the artifacts Lois and Hawkman uncovered in Egypt in episode 2 "Shield". The amulet of Isis was discovered missing, and that's because it's been in Lois' purse since she got back from Egypt. For the second time in the series, Lois was possessed by a superpowered entity; the spirit of Isis used her as a vessel to resurrect her love Osiris. The plot was kind of a letdown (no Black Adam outside of the dagger reference) and Lois being possessed was more fun in season 8, when the Kryptonian mother of Doomsday took over her body and went toe to toe with Clark. Isis may have been in Lois' hot body and wearing the latest hot Egyptian dress from the Lois Lane Collection, but she was kind of a monotone bore.

Although I hate Cat Grant, using her as a rival for Lois who's trying to "prove Lois is the Blur" was pretty good. Especially when Tess laughed in her face and when Lois almost punched her in the face after Cat stabbed her hand with scissors. Incidentally, I just realized that there are two Cat Grants in Smallville; the one I hate who's a Daily Planet reporter and one I'm indifferent to, who is the host of The Catherine Grant Show seen last season in "Crossfire".

Speaking of "Crossfire", where is Speedy? She hasn't been seen or even mentioned by Oliver in months. I hope she didn't go back to her old ways walking the streets for money.

Smallville 10x4 - "Homecoming"

ROLL CALL:

SUPERMAN! (No, for real. SUPERMAN!) LOIS LANE! TESS MERCER (Not this week) THE GREEN ARROW!
Special DC Universe Guest Star:
BRAINIAC 5 FROM THE LEGION OF SUPERHEROES!
plus a reference to:
SUPERGIRL! (A magazine cover with a photo taken of Kara from last week)
and a random mention of:
THE FLASH! (Lois, in reference to her relationship with Oliver Queen said, "It was quick. Like a Flash.")

"Homecoming" is Smallville's 200th episode. For my money, it is also, thus far, the best episode of Smallville ever. There's "Absolute Justice", there's the Legion of Superheroes episode, there's the season 2 episode when Christopher Reeve appeared, but I say "Homecoming" trumps them all. This episode made me incredibly happy.

We saw him. We saw Superman. In an amazing and unexpected payoff to the opening scene of last season's finale that takes place in the future - 2017, according to the date on the Daily Planet (and hey, a major metropolitan newspaper is still in business seven years from now according to Smallville) - Clark time travels and meets Lois and more importantly, himself. Big laugh when Clark looks over his future self wearing a suit and glasses: "When did I get so uptight and nerdy?" And then our Clark gets to gaze out the window and watch as a familiar red cape streaks by and uses Superspeed flight to quell a nuclear explosion(!) in the horizon.

THEN they directly reference Superman: The Movie by having Lois in a helicopter accident atop the Daily Planet, which our Clark prevents (complete with Lois knocking out the pilot so he doesn't see it's Clark and protecting his identity). That's not all, "Homecoming" even directly references Superman Returns at the very end when Lois and Clark are slow dancing and she places her feet onto his, just like Kate Bosworth did Brandon Routh.

The gimmick of Brainiac 5 coming back from the 31st century to shake Clark loose of his malaise via time travel worked really well. This was preceded by an amusing throw away of the insane Smallville High counselor preparing to attack Clark in the same vein as all the super villains from the early seasons, only for Brainiac to lobotomize her and prevent it. Later, one of Clark's earliest season one enemies, the bug boy, tells Lois as Clark looks on non-corporeally that Clark's saving him way back when was the big difference-maker in his life, and the same with many others. No time for Freak of the Week. This is a new Smallville. There's bigger fish to fry.

The main theme of this episode is letting go. For Clark, it's to finally stop blaming himself for all the terrible things that have happened since Jonathan Kent died. And for Smallville the series itself, it's to radically re-conceptualize who Clark is. Literally meeting himself seven years from now and letting him actually see who he will be is an interesting creative gambit. The series had dug Clark in such a deep hole where it was often so hard to believe he could ever be Superman that they've actually had the character not believe it himself for a couple of years. But now Clark has literally met Superman and wants to be that guy. Clark was really impressed by himself.

Then there's flying. Clark's malaise, self-doubt, and 'the darkness' within him, were all but spelled out as the reason he can't fly. As we were told a few too many times in this episode, letting go of all of that angst is what will get Clark to be Superman. (Superman is not about angst, Mr. Singer.) Slow dancing with Lois and both of them finally exchanging "I love yous", plus Clark focusing on what he has in the moment instead of regrets of the past and fear of tomorrow finally let him... well, float. Hover. But it's a start.

Even before the full-on Superman goodness of 2017, "Homecoming" was a tremendous mix of nostalgia and comedy. Lois' insistence on going to the Smallville High 5 year reunion because she was an alumni (for 23 days, a fact both Clark and I forgot) lead to a very funny runner where Lois knew everyone's name but no one knew who she was. The way she leaps effortlessly from comedy to neurosis to sweetness, I think Erica Durance is the MVP of this series at this point. She is simply the best Lois Lane ever.

A couple of heartwarming flashbacks where we saw Lana and Chloe from season one were surprisingly effective. (No Pete Ross or Lex Luthor mentioned at all.) Also a nice touch was Clark and Lois meeting the two kids who now run the Smallville High Torch in its current digital format, their hero worship of Chloe, and Chloe texting them her approval "from beyond the grave".

Plus Clark finally gave Oliver the tacit approval Oliver has always craved as Oliver gives his first one on one interview post "I am Green Arrow!" announcement.

By Smallville acknowledging their past and putting it where it belongs, behind them, what "Homecoming" announced was that the game is afoot, and that game is Turn Clark Kent Into Superman. Clark wants to be the man he saw as the hero of Metropolis in 2017. He wants to be the Man of Tomorrow.

For the first time in ten years of watching Smallville, I now really believe he's going to be Superman.

Best. Smallville. Ever. (So far.)

Stratusfaction!

October 2, 2010: I met Trish Stratus. Finally!

The Stratusphere Tour was in full swing. Lance Jr and I hauled our asses from Boston to Waterbury, CT on a Saturday morning to meet the seven time WWE Women's Champion and the greatest WWE Diva of all-time. A couple hours driving down, a couple of hours in line... and Trish Stratus was absolutely worth it.

During the wait, Lance and I tried to think of who else we'd make such an effort for just to have a couple of minutes of interaction with. It's a very short list. Hulk Hogan. Ric Flair. Bret Hart.  Lance and/or I have met them all. The Undertaker? I met him (under the most random but most novel of circumstances). But honestly, not too many others would merit this kind of devotion. Trish occupies a rarefied air - a stratusphere of her own, if you will.

If I may name drop Mick Foley-style (I've met him too), I've met movie stars like Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Vin Diesel, Brittany Murphy, Joaquin Phoenix, and Liv Tyler. TV stars like Andy Richter. Supermodels like Naomi Campbell. Current WWE Superstars and Divas? I've pretty much met them all over the course of a couple of Axxess events. Point is, I've met and even worked with plenty of celebrities and in my business, I'll meet and work with many more. I don't often get starstruck.

With Trish, I got starstruck. And I told her so; first thing I said to her, I believe. It was kind of embarrassing. She was super cool about it, welcoming, warm, and sweet. When you meet her, Trish doesn't keep it formal or standoffish. She looks you in the eye, smiles that million-megawatt smile at you, asks you your name and calls you by your name as she talks to you. She doesn't herd you along, she actually talks to you.

Trish is quite a comedienne and I worked out a couple of jokes to hit her with when I got up to the table, like inviting her out to Bobby Flay's Burger Palace at Mohegan Sun with us because I know she loves burgers and fries. I also wanted to shoot the breeze with her a bit about movies because she's branching out into films and that's my primary interest. Nope, blanked out. Looking back, I'm surprised I kept my wits about me enough to ask her about her upcoming movie Bail Enforcers. She explained how close they are to finishing production on it and I think I mentioned how excited I am to see it. I'm glad I was able to ask her about her movie and she seemed excited to talk about it, as opposed to the same old wrestling questions she probably got asked a million times on her Stratusphere Tour. But slick, witty barbs like I imagined I'd trade with her? Forget about it. Totally, utterly, starstuck.

After I posed with Trish for our photo, it was Lance's turn and I stood to the side of the stage, still zoned out from excitement and adrenaline. Then when Lance was done, Trish turned and saw I was still there and said, something like, "Bye, John!" "John", she said. She remembered my name! For the brief period of time she interacts with you, Trish makes the effort to treat everyone as a person, to give them a genuine experience even for just a minute or two. That's a je ne sais quois quality to have, and a mark of why she's so successful at everything she does. Certainly, she validated why she's the best Diva ever. Not just the best Diva, one of the best ever, period.

In the end, I learned there is a percentage of Stratusfaction greater than 100%. Thank you very much for the pleasure and memories of meeting you, Trish. Next time we meet, how about that burger?

Smallville 10x3 - "Supergirl"

ROLL CALL:

SUPERMAN! LOIS LANE! TESS MERCER! (Not this week) GREEN ARROW!
Special DC Universe Guest Stars:
SUPERGIRL! GORDON GODFREY! (also referenced slyly is his New Gods name GLORIOUS GODFREY!) DESAAD! (Referenced as an S&M club, Club DeSaad) and DARKSEID! (Mainly referred to as "the darkness" - but he doesn't believe in a thing called love)

Allison Mack is no longer in the opening credits since she's no longer a regular. It's interesting what the Smallville season 10 game plan is to cover for the missing founder and the story threads Chloe provides: bringing in DCU guest stars galore to interact with Lois and Clark individually.

The first two episodes of season 10 didn't exactly flap my cape. The first episode, "Lazarus", was the typical super-busy on plot, super-lacking in logic Smallville season premiere, although I did think it was slightly less convoluted than past season premieres. The prisoner exchange of Chloe for Oliver, the Lex clone I found really off putting, and Lois suddenly in Africa photoshopped standing in the middle of a Windows desktop wallpaper bummed me out.

The second episode, "Shield", was a talky clean up of the chaos from the finale and premiere episodes, and I hated Cat Grant and Smallville's version of Deadshot. Although, Hawkman's guest spot and how he fantasized Lois was Hawkgirl and tried to make out with her was pretty fun, and I liked Plastique returning and the name dropping of the Suicide Squad.

But now, Lois is back in Metropolis, Lois and Clark are reunited, and we're back to the business of setting up "the darkness" that's coming. And with all that, Kara's back! In all her Superglory.

I missed Kara. Laura Vandervoort looks great in the Supergirl miniskirt (minus the S shield) and the even hotter looking variant with jacket and pants she wore most of the episode (take that, J. Michael Straczynski! That's how you revamp an iconic but revealing superhero costume into a more "practical" look!) Plus it always amuses me that Clark's Kryptonian cousin speaks with a Canadian accent. 

Kara was gone for a year and a half searching deep space for her mother and coming up empty, but she's been lured back to Earth by Jor-El because Jor-El has "shut out" Clark and no longer thinks his only son can handle the job of Earth's protector. Jor-El especially doesn't think Clark can handle the coming of Darkseid. So, he handpicked Kara to face "the darkness" that's coming because she's got all her powers and isn't plagued by Clark's self-doubt and whatever else is always up his ass.

This leads to Kara somehow having the resources to hire photographers to "get her image out" all over Metropolis, hoping to lure "the darkness" to her. She gets press in the Daily Planet (billed as "The Maiden of Might") and Lois spends the whole episode oh-so-self-consciously dancing around the S word while trying to invent a handle for Kara - Ubergirl, Megagirl, Power Girl (snicker). The fact that Clark's cousin Kara can fly and has powers beyond those of mortal men is written off hastily by Clark that Kara must have been exposed to meteor rocks.

More important are a couple of scenes with Clark where she expresses disappointment that he still doesn't know how to fly. The last time Kara was on Earth, she tried to teach Clark how to fly, but the lesson was interrupted. She tries again. This time she imparts her Zen of flying - "It just is!" - and she tells him to drown out the cacophony of sounds he hears, clear his mind, and focus, like on a little butterfly. It works, Clark lifts off, up, up, and not so far away before his concentration breaks and he crashes into the barn. This being television, they only try something once and then give up because more plot points have to be moved onto and TV time is precious.

What's good about this is the meta-commentary Smallville is making on itself. You see, their incarnation of Darkseid is not (yet?) mentioned as a dark New God that rules a planet called Apokolips. This Darkseid is a malevolent entity that preys on doubt and weakness, corrupts, and possesses living beings. The fear Jor-El has is that Clark has so much doubt and anger within him, Darkseid could easily latch onto him, possess him, and use him as a weapon against Humanity. And Darkseid agreed wholeheartedly when he met Clark towards the end of the episode and tried to possess him with with his Swirling Black Cloud of Crows (Is that the Omega Effect? I hope not) which was magically repelled by Kara's silver bracelet. (I was hoping, like how Superman pulled a plastic S off his chest and tossed it in Superman II, Kara would, I dunno, rip off her top and throw it at Darkseid.)

Anyway, it seems to me Darkseid is the final device that will hopefully rid Smallville's deeply flawed, angry, surly, frustrating version of Clark Kent they've created over the last ten years of all his issues and infuse him with the "purity of spirit" he's missing that will at long last turn him into Superman.

Though Vandervoort has commitments to V and there are at present no plans to bring Kara back, the door was left wide open for her Supergirl to return. Kara is living in Metropolis and will continue to try to make Darkseid come after her, while hanging around incognito in a black wig and glasses so she can walk the streets of Metropolis like a human. I'd say the odds are pretty good we'll see Kara again in the back end of the season (it would help if V is canceled.)

Meanwhile, in the three weeks that have passed since "Lazarus", Darkseid and his Swirling Cloud of Black Crows possessed local rabble-rousing talk show host Gordon Godfrey. Godfrey has an axe to grind against the Blur, the Justice League, and all masked vigilantes. It's actually a funny in-joke about how the word "mutant" is used to describe the heroes with such scorn. Stinkin' muties. Anyway, under the control of Darkseid, Godfrey has written a book condemning the superheroes and is successfully giving speeches to dozens of true believers on the streets of Metropolis. With this crusade against superheroes, Darkseid seems to have concocted a plot to rob the Earth of its Legends.

All of this hero-bashing, especially Blur-bashing, raised the ire of Lois Lane and she goes after Godfrey to take him down all investigative journalism-style. In her dealings with Godfrey, Lois learns that Godfrey has discovered that Oliver Queen is the Green Arrow, and he plans to reveal this to the world by releasing a final chapter of his book online. (Darkseid is clearly from another planet based on his understanding of how publishing works). Lois dips into her Patented Closet of Costumes she's had since season 4 and poses as Godfrey's limo driver. She overhears him give a hair-raising monologue to his publicist about how humans can be corrupted easily and humanity will always sow the seeds of their own destruction.

Because she's Lois Lane, instead of running from the limo and never looking back after hearing that, she drives him to Club DeSaad, Godfrey's favorite S&M club. Once inside, she then dresses like a dominatrix, lures Godfrey into the back (sex) room, and has two other dominatrices seduce him while she takes cell phone pics and emails them to her editor at the Planet. And then because she's Lois Lane, she has to reveal she's Lois Lane and gloat to Godfrey that she tricked him. Godfrey then reveals he's got a Dark Side, knocks her out and leaves her tied up and hanging in a rather sexy way. But Clark and Kara save her and subdue Godfrey... somehow. It's not really clear what became of Godfrey. Kara infers later that "the darkness" is free and searching for a new host.

Back in 2008, Iron Man ended with a very novel conclusion when Tony Stark stood in front of a bank of reporters and declared, "I am Iron Man!" Oliver Queen, when faced with Lois' information that Godfrey was going to out him as Green Arrow to the world, did some serious soul searching. He visited church, spoke to his dead parents, and weighed the cost of losing Chloe (whom he thinks is dead) against the good he's able to do as a masked crime fighter. With Lois present in a rather dimly-lit office for a major press conference, Oliver hosts his own bank of reporters and reveals that he is in fact Green Arrow. Fade out. Play Black Sabbath. Or not.

Who knows what? This sure is confusing: Lois knows Clark is the Blur. Oliver knows Lois knows Clark is the Blur. But Clark doesn't know Lois knows he's the Blur. Meanwhile, Oliver "knows" Chloe is dead. I think Clark does too, I'm not sure. Incredibly, Oliver never mentions to Lois that Chloe is dead! Lois nearly gets killed protecting Oliver's secret and Oliver still doesn't mention to her that her own cousin is dead! (Even though she isn't really, no one knows that at this point.) Not just Superman, everyone in Smallville is a dick.

Next week: Clark's five year (I presume) Smallville High reunion! Will Pete Ross be there? Probably not. He's no "Smallville".