Who watched every second of #Oscars2013? This guy. I live Tweeted the Oscars for my site and simultaneously for @ExposingNYC.
Before the show even started, here are some #OscarsNomineeConfessions:
"Burt Reynolds ate my first and second born children. I never told anyone." - Sally Field #OscarNomineeConfessions
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
"I'm really the mom from The Fighter after a facelift." - Jacki Weaver #OscarNomineeConfessions
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
"My deal with Satan expires in 2016. After that, I go back to being a barista." - Bradley Cooper #OscarNomineeConfessions
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
"My favorite Hunger Games novel is The Goblet of Fire." - Jennifer Lawrence #OscarNomineeConfessions
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
"I really did contract syphilis while making Les Mis. Please, get tested." - Anne Hathaway #OscarNomineeConfessions
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
"Every day, I stand in front of the mirror naked and say, 'I'm Batman!' I don't know why." - Hugh Jackman #OscarNomineeConfessions
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
"I'm ten times the golfer than I am an actor but no one seems to give a shit." - Daniel Day-Lewis #OscarNomineeConfessions
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
Then the red carpet and actual Oscars show happened and here we go:
The scene in The Impossible when Naomi Watts starts vomiting up something? Totally thought she was puking up the girl from The Ring. #Oscars
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
Rumor has it @adele will swerve the #Oscars by not singing "Skyfall" and instead covering "We Are Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together".
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
#Oscars tribute to @007 tonight. A great way to embarrass Daniel Craig would be if all the other Bond actors got to tower over him onstage.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
Doesn't Jacki Weaver have to leave the #Oscars early to catch a runabout back to Bajor? Gul Dukat is waiting for her.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 24, 2013
#Oscars Fun Fact: Liberally drinking from Catherine Zeta-Jones' cleavage is the only thing keeping Michael Douglas alive.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Luckily, not a windy day in Hollywood, which is the only reason @channingtatum's tearaway tuxedo is staying on. #Oscars
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
How sick is Daniel Radcliffe of everyone at #Oscars2013 asking him the same question: "So, JK Rowlings' 'adult' novel. Any good?"
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Tom Cruise looks different. #Oscars2013 twitter.com/ExposingNYC/st…
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Kristen Stewart is the fairest one of all. HA HA HA HA HA HA. #Oscars2013twitter.com/ExposingNYC/st…
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
All these actors bringing their moms to #Oscars2013. DANIEL RADCLIFFE DOESN'T HAVE A MOM! She died protecting him from Voldemort!
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Kristin Chenowith standing next to @adele looks just like Hermione standing next to Hagrid. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Stacy Keibler color coordinated her dress to match George Clooney's hair and beard. Thoughtful girlfriend. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Anne Hathway is already Anne Hathawaying at an 8. Settle down, Anne. We need you at a 3. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Anne Hathaway wore Madonna's old cone bra underneath her dress. She'll use them later to save her parking space. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
#Oscars2013 Fun Fact: Daniel Day-Lewis actually traveled back in time and voted against the 13th Amendment.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Why are all of the actresses color coordinated to George Clooney's hair and beard? #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
I miss Angelina Jolie's slit. Her leg too. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Sock Puppet Denzel Washington deserves the Best Actor nomination even more than the real Denzel Washington. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
"Christoph Waltz, Argo Fuck Yourself!" - Alan Arkin #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Christoph Waltz started quoting Dungeons and Dragons in his speech, but he was great in Django Unchained. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Melissa McCarthy looks like 13 year old Lisa Marie Presley if she ate all the peanut butter banana sandwiches Elvis ever ate. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Please, all white cast of Les Mis, beat these touching, epic films about black people and an Indian boy and his tiger. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
I wish the Hulk were on stage to punch all of the rest of the @avengers out of frame. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
You can win an #Oscar2013 for chopping off Anne Hathaway's hair and sending her in front of camera without makeup. Good to know.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
I can hear Russell Crowe gargling and warming up his voice backstage from here. #Oscar2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
As a lifelong @007 fan, I can say with authority the best Bond ever was Denzel Washington Sock Puppet. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
You should have seen the look on @adele's face when #Oscars2013 told her she has to follow Shirley Bassey Goldfinger by singing Thunderball.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Razzies in the back. #KStew #Oscars2013 twitter.com/BackoftheHead/…
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Liam Neeson. He was supposed to be #Lincoln, but we had to settle for Daniel Day-Lewis. Now he's introducing Lincoln at #Oscars2013.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Zero Dark Thirty is a show about a spy! - Buster Bluth #Oscars2013 twitter.com/BackoftheHead/…
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Please, please, please let Russell Crowe be the one performing the songs from Dreamgirls! #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Still confused. Is Hugh Jackman still running from parole? Because Russell Crowe is right around the corner. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
The ideal end to Les Mis number is if someone shoots them all right there on stage. (Hugh Jackman will survive. Healing factor.) #Oscar2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Mark Wahlberg is really Clint Eastwooding live by talking to an empty stool. #Ted #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall tie for #Oscars2013 Best Sound Mixing. They mix the shit out of spy movies, yo.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
The Anne Hathaway Award for Anne Hathaway singing and crying goes to... HOLY SHIT ANNE HATHAWAY!! #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
At least Anne Hathaway didn't thank the French. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
James Bond and the Queen are parachuting in to give @adele #Oscar2013 for Best Song, right?
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Adele sure loves Skymall. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
I remember when Nicole Kidman was an Australian ginger with a completely different face. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Anne Hathaway on one end and Kristen Stewart on the other are like opposing magnetic poles of extremes. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Kristen Stewart, just grit your teeth and get through your charmed life of movie superstardom and millions of dollars. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Governor's Award? HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I DOING WATCHING THIS CRAP THE WALKING DEAD IS ON!!?! #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
It would be funny if they just snuck a pic of Kristen Stewart in the In Memoriam montage. Would she even notice? #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
#Oscars2013 In Memoriam montage = so many people I forgot were alive.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
WHAT HAPPENED TO SHIRLEY BASSEY'S FACE?!?... Oh, it's Barbra Streisand. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
For everyone who's spent the last 10 years happily forgetting Chicago, #Oscars2013 is dredging it all back up.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Next year, Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln will preside over the Crash reunion. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Skyfall should be announced as "Skyfall from Skyfall by Adele Skyfall", Renee Zellwegger #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
She will stand tall and face it all accepting the #Oscars2013 for Skyfall. #Adele
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Dustin Hoffman turned into Ric Flair so gradually, we didn't even notice. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Sweaty, disheveled, glassy-eyed. What has Quentin Tarantino been doing the whole show, and can I get a hit? #Oscars2013 #Congrats #Django
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Quentin winning the #Oscar2013 = all the film school kids opening up Final Draft and adding the N word to their scripts tonight.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Ang Lee wins Best Director! Steven Spielberg too polite to yell out loud, "This has all been a waste of my motherfucking time!" #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Ang Lee, thank the tiger. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
If the JAWS music started playing Ang Lee off, he would have turned into the Hulk. Because he still does that. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
It was so weird when Steven Spielberg told Ang Lee to Argo fuck himself. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
It would be so funny if the 9 year old girl beats the girl who won The Hunger Games for Best Actress. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Jennifer Lawrence! - Best Actress #Oscars2013 and winner of the 74th Hunger Games. Not bad for a kid from District 12.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Denzel Washington Sock Puppet should accept the Best Actor #Oscars2013 for Daniel Day-Lewis. It's what the 13th Amendment was for.
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Michelle Obama is also a big fan of Denzel Washington Sock Puppet. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
"The sweetest thing of all is not having to share this one with Matt Damon." -@benaffleck, winner Best Picture for Argo #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Ben, thank the animal crackers and Liv Tyler's stomach. #Oscars2013
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
"Maybe it's time to stop fucking around and making movies about buying zoos." - Matt Damon #Oscars2013 #MorningAfterThoughts
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
Congrats to Jen and Ben and Ang and Anne and Christoph and Daniel Day #Oscars2013 #MorningAfter
— John Orquiola (@BackoftheHead) February 25, 2013
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