Top 25 Batman Movie Quotes

TOP 25 BATMAN MOVIE QUOTES

June 22, 2005

"Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in when a man dressed up as a bat gets all of my press?" - The Joker

The American Film Institute released their list of the Top 100 Movie Quotes. It's a pretty good list, I guess, but there's a big problem: There's nothing from any of the Batman movies. Six movies over 31 years and you're telling me the high-falootin' AFI 100 couldn't give any love to Batman?

I decided to compile my own list of the Top 25 movie quotes from the five Batman movies spanning Adam West's camp classic in 1966 to George Clooney's 1997 atrocity. Why did I pass over Batman Begins? It's too new. It's still in theatres. It needs some time to resonate and become part of the culture.

In truth, 25 quotes isn't nearly enough. I could probably have compiled a Top 100 lines from Batman: The Movie, Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, and Batman and Robin given enough time, but that probably would have been going overboard. Also, I would have needed to consult my DVDs of the five movies or the IMDB and I didn't want to do that. The challenge was to compile this list entirely from memory. It wasn't easy choosing which dialogue to leave out. A lot of good Batlines were kicked to the curb.

It's fun to try to incorporate these quotes in everyday life. Try it sometime. 

Top 25 Batman Movie Quotes (1966 - 1997) 

25) "All right, everyone. Chill." - Mr. Freeze (Batman and Robin, 1997)

Marginally better than Mr. Freeze's first line of dialogue in Batman and Robin: "The Iceman cometh!", which he yells at the top of his lungs. You can say this line while trying to approximate Schwarzenegger's accent and you might get a chuckle out of someone, if they don't glare at you like you're an asshole and stomp away.

24) "It's the car, right? Chicks love the car." - Batman (Batman Forever, 1995)
Batman Forever is surprisingly lacking in iconic, quotable dialogue. The most memorable lines come from this rooftop scene as Dr. Chase Meridian summons Batman via the Batsignal. She comes onto him, prompting Batman to scoff. Note Val Kilmer's smirk as he delivers the line. He's almost disgusted that this woman wants to have sex with him. What does she think he is, heterosexual? Batman has a couple of more zingers here:
"You summoned me here for this? The Batsignal is not a beeper."
"You trying to get under my cape, doctor?"
The car line is the one that lasts, though. It's condescending and sexist as only a man wearing a rubber codpiece who's never had a steady girlfriend can utter.

23) "You are not sending me to the cooler!" - Mr. Freeze (Batman and Robin, 1997)
The second of my Mr. Freeze trifecta. Freeze mines every possible cold pun there is, then salts the earth so nothing further can grow.

22) "Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning." - Max Shreck (Batman Returns, 1992)
The greatest and most overlooked addition to the Batman mythology is billionaire industrialist Max Shreck, played by Christopher Walken. In a movie that had Batman, Catwoman and Penguin, Shreck, a character no one had ever heard of before, ran away with Batman Returns. He had all the good dialogue and was the real villain of the piece, revealing the three characters named after animals as the fractured, sad little lost souls they were. Bruce Wayne has a business meeting with Shreck and points out the major flaw in Shreck's plan to build a power plant for Gotham. If Shreck could have dealt Wayne some defenestration like he did his secretary, he sure would have. Little does he know Wayne falls off of buildings every night and likes it.

Incidentally, if you have Facebook, you should Like Max Shreck.

21) "Wow. The Batman! Or, is it just 'Batman'?" - Selina Kyle (Batman Returns, 1992)
Selina's comment to Batman after he saves her life from evil circus people. Finally, this question that has baffled 6 decades of Batman fans is posed cinematically. Which is it? Instead of answering, Batman glares at her and stalks away, leaving us all hanging. The lesson? Some questions are just not meant to be answered.

20) "A laundry service that delivers! Wow!" - Mr. Freeze (Batman and Robin, 1997)
My jaw drops every time I hear this line. What the fuck? To set the scene, Mr. Freeze has been imprisoned in Arkham Asylum. Poison Ivy and Bane arrive to break him out and bring him his ice armor in a shopping cart, which prompts Freeze to delightedly exclaim the line. Seriously, what the fuck?

19) "Goodbye, my unintended. Go to Heaven." - The Penguin (Batman Returns, 1992)
Penguin horny. The Penguin was trying to get some Catwoman tail and framed Batman for throwing the ice princess off a building (this happened a lot in Batman Returns. It was the means of choice for disposing of women.) When Catwoman retched at the thought of sex with a deformed bird midget, Penguin strapped her neck to a helicopter umbrella and uttered this poetic farewell as he sent her to her death. It's kind of a sweet thing to say to a woman you're about to kill.

18) "Oh God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?" - Selina Kyle (Batman Returns, 1992)
This line actually comes right after number 6 on the list, after Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle realized who the other person really was at the Maxquerade Ball. Then Penguin blew a hole through the floor and rode up in a giant rubber duckie, so everything turned out all right for Bruce and Selina. At least for about 20 more minutes. Then she got shot six times and electrocuted herself.

17) "Well, come what may, Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne." - Alfred
"Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men. And women." - Bruce Wayne (Batman Returns, 1992)
Batman Returns has two unique distinctions: it's the only Batman Christmas movie and the only Batman movie that ends in slit-your-wrists sadness. Poor Bruce thinks Selina Kyle is dead and sits in the back of his limousine with her cat as Alfred drives him home. No girlfriend for Bruce Wayne, no happiness; another lonely Christmas, just him and his butler sitting in a dank, sinister cave. He doesn't suspect that Catwoman's giant head is watching from above. There was supposed to be a spin off with Michelle Pfeiffer. Instead, 12 years later, we get Halle Berry's Catwoman. What a gyp.

16) "Women. Nothing surprises me, Chip. Except your late mother. Who woulda thought Selina had a brain to damage? Bottom line is, if she tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window. 'Til then, I got bigger fish to fry." - Max Shreck (Batman Returns, 1992)
Sage fatherly wisdom from Max Shreck to his son Chip.

15) "Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working, I turn around, there she is. 'Oh hey, Vick. C'mon in!'" - Bruce Wayne (Batman Returns, 1992)
By far my favorite dialogue uttered by Michael Keaton's Batman, addressing the most jarring, out of place moment from the previous Batman movie. It's also the only time Bruce Wayne admonishes Alfred, but seriously, what was he thinking letting Vicki Vale into the Batcave? In Alfred's defense, he was only trying to get his master laid so his heart was in the right place.

14) "What do you want?" - Batman
"Ah, the direct approach. I admire that from a man in a mask." - The Penguin (Batman Returns, 1992)

Penguin scored quite a bit off of Batman in Batman Returns. Later on, he and his circus folk sabotaged the Batmobile and turned it into an H-bomb on wheels. As much as Penguin wrecking his car must have pissed Batman off, Penguin coolly dissing him when they had their first face-to-face confrontation must have stung Batman mighty fierce. He got Penguin back before the confrontation was ended by Catwoman doing cartwheels and blowing up Shreck's department store.

13) "Nice outfit." - Jack Napier (Batman, 1989)

Seriously, what would you say if you were trying to rob a chemical factory in the middle of the night and a guy in a rubber bat costume showed up out of nowhere? And it is a nice outfit. The first Batsuit is still the best.

12) "You - you've got kind of a dark side, don't you?" - Bruce Wayne
"No darker than yours, Bruce." - Selina Kyle (Batman Returns, 1992)

Bruce Wayne wasn't quite sure why he was so attracted to Max Shreck's secretary until he ran into her on the street and she started waxing insanely. Her being hot got Bruce's attention. Her being crazy got her a dinner invite to Wayne Manor.

11) "I am the light of this city, and I'm its mean, twisted soul." - Max Shreck (Batman Returns, 1992)

Probably the coolest sinister words to escape from Max Shreck's mouth. Donald Trump wishes he were half the industrial tyrant Shreck is. Also, Shreck had better hair.

10) "Just the pussy I was looking for!" - The Penguin (Batman Returns, 1992)

Penguin horny. Dude, seriously, there are kids watching this. There's innuendo and then there's outright naughty words. You wanna fuck Catwoman. We get it. Tone it down, Oswald.

9) "And where is the Batman? He's at home washing his tights!" - The Joker (Batman, 1989)

A low blow from the Joker as he addresses the people of Gotham on television and promises to dump $20-million in cash on them. Joker knows damn well Batman doesn't wear tights, but I suppose "he's at home washing his rubber" brings forth a whole different set of nasty connotations.

8) "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb!" - Batman (Batman: The Movie, 1966)

Ah, the greatest, most memorable line from Adam West's Batman. Batman literally had to dispose of one of those round, black spherical bombs that only exist otherwise in Bugs Bunny cartoons. No matter where he went on the Gotham waterfront, there was a parade, children playing, nuns passing by, or baby ducks swimming.

8) "This town needs an enema!" - The Joker (Batman, 1989)

When I was a kid, I had no idea what an enema was or what Joker was talking about. Then I looked up what an 'enema' is. Now I want to know how Joker was planning on giving Gotham one.

7) "Eat floor. High fiber." - Batman (Batman Returns, 1992)

Michael Keaton's Batman didn't quip much, or say much of anything, really. But when rooftop kung fu fighting with Catwoman, Batman loosened up and started cracking wise. This was his best zinger as he drove Catwoman's face into the ground.

6) "Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it." - Batman
"But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it." - Catwoman (Batman Returns, 1992)

You say strange things to each other if you're wearing a costume and you're intensely attracted to your arch enemy who is also wearing a costume. Bruce Wayne went to Max Shreck's ball to see Selina Kyle and she started having another of those emotional breakdowns that really get Bruce's engine running. Then she fired off the mistletoe line, Bruce automatically offered the retort, and the jig was up.

5) "This evidence is purely circumstantial!" - Commissioner Gordon (Batman Returns, 1992)

The greatest day of fat old Commissioner Gordon's life was when Batman showed up and started doing his job for him. Now, instead of catching criminals himself, he just had to turn a searchlight on, sit back, and unlock his jail for the incoming. But when Batman was framed by Penguin and Catwoman for killing the ice princess with Batman's own stolen Batarang, Gordon went to embarrassing lengths on TV to proclaim his meal ticket's innocence.

4) "'Winged freak terrorizes?' Wait'll they get a load of me!" - The Joker (Batman, 1989)

Awesome line from the Joker after quoting the headline of the newspaper: Winged Freak Terrorizes Gotham. By the way, as far as Batman movies go, the greatest headline in the history of Batman movies is in Batman Begins: Drunken Billionaire Burns Down Home. If they made a T-shirt of that, I'd buy it in a second.

3) "Where does he get those wonderful toys?" - The Joker (Batman, 1989)

Turns out, he gets them from Morgan Freeman. The Joker always felt a little inadequate when Batman would come after him with his Batarangs, Batmobile and Batwing. So he handled it in a logical fashion: he got himself a big gun with a ten foot barrel and he hid it in his pants. Yes, that is a ten foot barreled gun in his pants and the Joker is always happy to see you.

2) "I'm Batman!" - Batman (Batman, 1989)

In the original script, the line is "Tell your friends, tell all your friends - I am the night!" That's stupid and they were wise to change it. How is exactly is Batman the night? Instead of that comic booky gibberish, we get the crowd-pleasing, defining moment that instantly and forever sold Michael Keaton as Batman. A moment so pivotal, Christian Bale also said it in Batman Begins. Keaton's was still better.

1) "Have you ever danced with the Devil by the pale moonlight?" - The Joker (Batman, 1989)

The best line in Batman movie history. Quote it to nearly anyone, and if they saw Batman when they were a kid, they'll remember it. They'll smirk or roll their eyes or grimace, but damn sure, they'll remember it. It's as purely a construction of the Batman movies as it is to have the Joker as the man who killed Bruce Wayne's parents.

By my reckoning, I have 14 quotes from Batman Returns. It's far and away the most quotable of the Batman movies if you like nasty, cruel, misogynistic dialogue. And who doesn't?

Tim Burton's first Batman (1989) commands the top four and The Joker boasts three of the top four quotes. The Joker/Jack Napier could potentially have fielded the entire Top 25 all by himself. Screenwriter Sam Hamm gave him all the best dialogue. Only Max Schrek in Batman Returns has dialogue that competes with The Joker in quantity, quality, and quotability. There are lots of good Joker lines I had to omit, such as:

"Never rub another man's rhubarb." - The Joker

That's good advice.

These Are The Voyages...

THESE ARE THE VOYAGES...

She's dead, Jim. 

Star Trek: Enterprise was a show that had its best days ahead of it. After two dull, meandering seasons and a better but still uneven third season, Enterprise briefly dodged the cancellation bullet and delivered a vastly improved, sometimes rollicking fourth season that occasionally harkened to the fun and adventure of the original Star Trek. 

Enterprise was more focused, more confident. The writing - which was always Enterprise and its franchise predecessor Star Trek: Voyager's fatal flaw - was markedly better. The Enterprise scripts were nowhere near as literate or passionate as the best efforts from Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, or Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - but overall they were far more engaging. This redundant, uninspired show overcame the majority of its problems and at its best moments became genuinely entertaining.

It wasn't enough to save the show. The millions of Star Trek viewers had long since abandoned the latest presentation of Star Trek. They are content with the Star Trek they now have on DVD and are uninterested in the (mis)adventures of a prequel series awkwardly shoehorned into Trek canon. They missed out on a good season of Enterprise this year, but it honestly was nothing better than what they've already seen and love.

The two million of us who remained and got to know the crew of the NX-01, mostly out of loyalty to a tired franchise we still find value in after all these years, had a pretty good time this year. Perhaps expectations were so low that any improvement was appreciated. Still, Enterprise was vastly improved.

Its progress was within Star Trek's historical parameters; The Next Generation did not truly gel until season 3; Deep Space Nine found its creative footing and ran away, never looking back, in its fourth season. Enterprise had followed suit. If the show weren't canceled, the best was yet to come. Coming off their best season, Enterprise was poised to at least go out with its head held high, as a show that was beginning to prove worthy of carrying the torch of Star Trek, as a show that didn't deserve to die.

Which brings us to the controversial series finale, "These Are The Voyages…", which also doubles as the finale of the current era of the Star Trek franchise. I didn't get to see it until late last night, but when I returned from my weekend trip, waiting for me was this review from the son of a bitch who is single handedly responsible for getting me interested - soon hooked, which was my own damn fault - on Star Trek eleven years ago after I'd spent my life up to that point mocking and despising Star Trek.

He writes:

Appalling. Jolene Blalock was right. The series finale of Enterprise was an abomination. And the blame lies completely at the feet of Rick Berman & Brannon Braga. This series finally got pretty darn good this year when those two fuckers finally took their hands off the product and turned the reigns over to Manny Coto and his staff of pretty good writers. But then those two assholes just had to stick their noses back in and destroy all of the good will Coto & Co. had spent a year building up with that horribly offensive piece of shit "These Are The Voyages . . ." What was wrong with it? Were to begin?

First off, the focus of the show wasn't on the Enterprise crew at all; it was about Riker trying to make a decision about whether or not to fess up about the Pegasus incident. The Enterprise crewmembers were reduced to mere holographic props to help Riker's soul searching. The added kicker is that I, and anyone who saw TNG, already knew what Riker was going to decide, so the whole morality play was pointless, as the outcome was predetermined. On the other hand, if someone didn't watch TNG, and was just a fan of Enterprise, the whole episode would have been meaningless because they wouldn't have understood Riker's dilemma and certainly wouldn't have given a rats ass about his pathetic soul searching. And may I also add, Riker and Troi looked like crap. I guess even actors are allowed to show their age at some point, but it sure is distracting when those actors are about 10 years older than the characters they are playing. Every member of the cast should have refused to do the finale until they wrote an Enterprise finale about the fucking Enterprise crew.

Second, related to the first problem, the last two actors ever seen in an episode of Enterprise were Frakes and Sirtis as Riker & Troi walking out of the holodeck. Let's look at the other shows, shall we. TNG ended with the whole crew playing cards. DS9 ended with the characters saying their goodbyes on the promenade before focusing on Jake and Kira staring out towards the wormhole thinking of Captain Sisko as the camera does a long pull out. Hell, that ending still gets me choked up whenever I see it. Voyager ended with the crew on the bridge staring out at Earth, having finally made it home. In other words, all previous shows ended with the focus on the characters that had made the show, not the backs of characters from another series. And the mixing of the voiceovers after the shot of Riker and Troi was stupid as well. The NX-01 was being put into mothballs. Its mission was over. It wouldn't be boldly going where no man/one had gone before, so the voiceover had no meaning. Ending Trek II with Nimoy doing the voiceover was poignant because the Enterprise still had a future, even after Spock's death. But come Trek VI, when the Enterprise A was being decommissioned (after a very short lifespan) Kirk gave an appropriate captain's log that evoked the classic opening narration but making it clear that it was up to another generation to continue the journey. Far be it for me to expect Berman & Braga to understand how to do a voiceover, when they can't get anything else right.

Third, they pissed on the Tripp/T'Pol relationship. That relationship was the heart of the show for me this entire season. It was easily the best thing on the show (followed by the female uniforms in the dark universe). According to Berman & Braga, Tripp and T'Pol apparently had no relationship between "Terra Prime" and "These are the voyages. . ." So while the heart of season 4 was the relationship between Tripp and T'Pol, so much so that the events of that season end with them grieving together over the loss of their daughter Elizabeth, immediately after that their relationship came to an abrupt end and they spent the next 6 years as dispassionate crewmates. Fucking great. Way to mock the best aspect of the show Berman & Braga.

Fourth, how many times did we need to be reminded that the holoprogram was set in Enterprise's future? At least 3 times characters worked it into the dialogue that their mission started 10 years ago. For example: Archer to T'Pol "remember when we first met 10 years ago?" People don't talk like that. On the other hand, it probably was necessary since the characters showed evidence of absolutely no growth from the events of the 6 years during which we didn't see them. I guess nothing important happened during those six years since, with the exception of nametags and T'Pol's hair, every member of the crew was exactly the same as they were at the end of "Terra Prime."

Fifth, and far and away the biggest sin of the episode, they completely botched Trip's death in every possible way on every possible level. First, signaling his death with Troi's line "he had no idea he wouldn't be coming back" was some of the worst writing in the history of Star Trek (and I've seen "Spock's Brain"). All of the shock and emotional impact of Trip's death was instantly drained from the episode. Instead, you just start waiting for it to happen. Second, what a stupid, meaningless death. Some aliens we have never seen before come looking for Shran because of some stupid alien diamond theft and Trip sacrifices himself to take out the aliens and save freakin' Shran? He couldn't sacrifice himself to save the Enterprise crew or in connection with the founding of the Federation? Or better yet, he couldn't find a way to take out the raiding party without killing himself? Stupid, stupid writing. Third, the death scene in sickbay was terrible. When he went into the tube and we cut to commercial, I thought Trip was still alive, and then we come back from commercial in Trip's quarters and he is already dead. So we don't even see him die! What the fuck is that? Fourth, we didn't see any member of the crew react to the death other than T'Pol and Archer. Everyone told Chef Riker how great Trip was before his death, but then no one got to show any grief after his death. Elizabeth's death was handled better than that. I always thought Jadzia Dax's death was pretty poorly done, but this was far worse. Dax's death may have been pretty meaningless, but at least it was connected to a major thrust of the show (the Gul Dukat/Pah'Wraiths storyline) and we got to see Worf at her bedside as she died. Moreover, at least the writers had the excuse that they had to kill her off since Terry Farrell was leaving the show. Here, there was no excuse for this steaming pile of shit.

Bottom line, after getting to the point where I was actually enjoying Enterprise this season, I'm now very glad that it has been cancelled. In the end I was left with a horrible taste in my mouth. The more I think about the episode the angrier I get. I didn't think it was possible for me to dislike Rick Berman any more than I already did, but now I loath the man. Stick a fork in Star Trek, fans, 'cause it's done.

All of that rage is correct. This episode had some big problems as detailed above. It was an ill-conceived, poorly executed piece of television.

A funny thing happened to me on the road to indignation, though: I found I liked the episode anyway. I like it because of the cast of Star Trek: Enterprise, all of whom impressed the hell out of me. In "These Are The Voyages…" I saw an energy in the Enterprise cast I'd never quite seen before. The actors' various emotions during the filming of the last episode of their show was evident on screen and they seemed determined to go out on high notes. While nothing spectacular was written for them in the way of dialogue or action, the charisma of the Enterprise cast was positively charming. The banter in the opening scene alone between Malcolm, Hoshi, Travis, Archer and T'Pol, again while not sparkling in the words, was relaxed and entertaining. The actors were enjoying themselves.

In this last episode, the entire cast of Enterprise delivered some of their best performances. Yes, structurally in the episode they were holograms and not the 'real' characters, but the idea here was to see them through Riker's eyes, in essence seeing them for the first time. Riker was looking at them as historical characters he'd only read about but as the episode progressed, he got to know them all personally. In effect, so did we. We met them all over again, very briefly, through Riker's eyes, and I realized the same way Riker did that I like these people. It's a real shame we can't spend more quality time with them like we had in season four.

The gimmick of Riker posing as Chef and meeting with each of the Enterprise crew members was conceptually flawed in all kinds of ways. (I'd always hoped the never-seen Chef character was an ancestor of Ben Sisko, but as usual DS9 gets no love.) Suddenly we're told that every person on the crew confides all their professional and personal to the ship's cook. This Chef is a major security risk waiting to happen. Kidnap the ship's cook and you can cripple the flagship of Starfleet in one fell swoop.

Not withstanding, watch the scenes as Riker meets with each Enterprise crew member individually and cooks with them. Watch the actors' performances. Every single actor relished their scenes with Jonathan Frakes and brought their best effort to the table. Jolene Blalock especially gave one of her most nuanced performances as T'Pol and the glint in ladies' man Riker's eye as he silently considered her attractiveness and wanted to kiss her (on the cheek, he ultimately decided) was amusing. As character moments, these scenes were a lot of fun and were perhaps some of the best of the series, despite how ill-conceived the basic idea behind them is.

The joy here was in watching the actors perform as they enjoy spending a moment with a veteran actor of The Next Generation. In turn, Frakes was clearly enjoying acting with the Enterprise cast members, with Riker admiring each character as he got to know them. With each scene, he was giving this maligned cast 'the rub', which was the intention of Berman and Braga. I think in that respect it worked. And Riker's exchange with Travis was hilarious.

Riker: "Did [Trip] ever want to take a swing at Picard?"

Travis: "Who?"

Riker: "I meant Archer."

Riker and Troi giving themselves a tour of the NX-01 was also fun, which is all those scenes were meant to be. Riker almost hitting his head on the low ceiling, the joke about there not being a fish tank in Archer's ready room, Riker complaining about how the first officer doesn't have a chair next to the captain, and Troi's confusion as to why the door didn't automatically hiss open as she stood in front of it were all fun. You could look at it as Riker and Troi mocking Enterprise, but let the crew that doesn't live on a ship with bright yellow floors and pastel pink chairs cast the first stone. On the sleeker, cooler Enterprise set, Riker and Troi, in their bright primary colored uniforms were the ones who looked like clowns.

Trip's demise was atrocious, although Sean is wrong when he noted that Trip was trying to save Shran. Trip was trying to save Archer, who was unconscious on the floor and was about to be killed. He was buying time to save his friend and he gave up his own life to do so. The method Trip used to kill the aliens was boneheaded, as was how Trip's death was handled. It was piss poor writing.

But again, watch the performance from Connor Trinner, the desperation, the love he showed for his best friend Archer as he impulsively decided that one of them wasn't going to make it out of that hallway alive and it was better Trip goes than Archer. Trinner's acting sold a badly written scene. What about the brief exchange in the shuttlepod between T'Pol and Trip about how they (will) miss each other? As rotten as the circumstances surrounding the existence of that scene are, watch how heroically the actors fight against their dumb script and deliver some poignancy to the moment. It was as bittersweet an exchange as any we've seen in Star Trek. If only there were more time for these characters, look what we could have had.

As for the final scene, yes, the camera was on Riker and Troi, but where is it written that a Star Trek series has to end with a shot of the crew?

Look a little deeper: what were Riker and Troi doing? They were watching Jonathan Archer deliver a speech that marked the founding of the Federation. (A speech we never hear, unfortunately.) These 'legends' from The Next Generation were looking at the captain of Star Trek: Enterprise with respect and reverential awe. And prior to that was a really nice moment between Phlox, T'Pol, and Archer, the Bones, Spock and Kirk substitutes.

Jolene Blalock and Scott Bakula were wonderful here. Watch how Archer's pacing cut through T'Pol's stoicism and actually made her nervous - so nervous she had to do something to cut the tension and her choice was to fix Archer's tie. And I loved the moment when Archer decided "fuck it" and hugged T'Pol, how T'Pol couldn't hug him back, but how her eyes and facial expression showed she wanted to and how hard it is to be a Vulcan sometimes. Blalock understands Vulcans almost as well as Leonard Nimoy does. It was a terrific moment.

This entire episode to me was the Enterprise actors' finest hour. Considering their disappointment, which Jolene Blalock and others made public, about how their cast was treated in this episode, how poor the writing is, how stupid Berman and Braga are, what little triumph there is to be had here rests completely with the underrated, underappreciated cast of Star Trek: Enterprise. Each of the actors fought tooth and nail for respect for four seasons and were disheartened to have to fight for even more in their own swansong. I think the actors succeeded and went out with a blaze of glory.

I like these actors a lot. I've grown to like this show a great deal, and just a year ago I wouldn't have batted an eye if it were canceled. It's a shame this show and the franchise are over. Despite its myriad faults, I like "These Are The Voyages…" because of the actors. Star Trek: Enterprise had a good cast, who deserve to stand proudly alongside the best of the franchise.

Sadly, it's their misfortune, and ours, that Enterprise was commanded by Berman and Braga, two bad captains who managed to photon torpedo a 40 year old franchise.

Kingdom of Heaven (***)

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

I'm no historian or theologian but I have some working knowledge of the Crusades. Kingdom of Heaven did a fine job of hitting the high points of the events that lead to the Third Crusade: Reynald of Chatillon kidnapping Saladin's sister, King Baldwin IV dying of leprosy, Guy of Lusignan becoming King of Jerusalem and royally fucking up, leading his army to a slaughter and losing the Battle of Hattin and the True Cross to Saladin, and Saladin retaking Jerusalem for the Muslims.

A Crusader knight named Balian, the character played by Orlando Bloom, did defend Jerusalem and surrendered it to Saladin, though he didn't run off to France with Queen Sibylla (Eva Green, heavenly). But even then, Kingdom of Heaven displayed an admirable amount of verisimilitude, certainly far more than Gladiator, Sir Ridley Scott's last foray into the historical epic.

The movie felt authentic enough. Short of a real Doc Brown actually inventing the flux capacitor and putting it in a DeLorean, we'll never know exactly what the Crusades of a thousand years ago looked like, but Kingdom of Heaven seems to be a believable depiction of that time period. It's not retarded like Troy, boring like King Arthur, or as flaming as Alexander, that's for sure.

Orlando Bloom wasn't the ideal leading man for this sort of picture but he worked hard and didn't embarrass himself. He didn't have the presence perhaps his character could have benefited from, but the movie compensated - as the son of Liam Neeson's character, Godfrey of Ibelin, everywhere Orlando went, he met someone who knew his father. "You're Liam Neeson's son? He was a good man. I guess you're all right." "I loved your father. I will love you as well." Good thing for Orlando his father wasn't an asshole. Rarely has a young man benefited more from being his father's son. Luke Skywalker is as green as his lightsaber with envy.

The first act or so felt a little like an Xbox role playing game. Orlando kept meeting people who gave him a little speech about virtue or religion or evil and offering him choices. It was like Knights of the Old Republic or Fable - Choose your path! Orlando was pretty set on playing the game as a good guy though; he never strayed from his promise to his father that he'd be a good knight, a man of conscience.

Late in the picture, Orlando gives what would generously be called a controversial speech for a Crusader Knight in defense of Jerusalem when he announced to his army that the Christians have no more righteous claim to the Holy Land than the Muslims do. That's some positively progressive thinking for a Crusader, but the movie was steadfastly in the corner of personal responsibility and honor over blind devotion to religion and the violence and sadism done in God's name. Which is a lot of what the Crusades were largely about on both sides.

Kingdom of Heaven's depiction of Saladin may have been its most admirable quality. Saladin by historical accounts was a fair and just king, as much as a king could be in that time and place. He was known for his generosity and character, although he was vicious when crossed. The way the movie depicted the surrender of Jerusalem, Orlando Bloom got a pretty good deal from Saladin. In actual history, Saladin did allow all the Christians to leave the city without getting slaughtered, although there was taxation and payment involved for their lives.

I wish the movie did more to depict just how monumental a moment it was for Saladin and the Muslims when they reclaimed Jerusalem after a century of Crusader control. It was one of the greatest triumphs and moments of Saladin's life - one of the greatest victories ever for Muslimanity over the Infidels of Christ. In the movie, Saladin acted like he'd just gotten a sweet deal on a house that was a fixer upper. But even then, it's good that movie audiences get some idea of who Saladin was.

Saladin also had the benefit of Alexander Siddig as his right hand man. With the genetically engineered Dr. Bashir from Deep Space Nine at his side, how could Saladin lose?

Though Gladiator-esque sword and horse battles are what the studio hopes will sell tickets, I was a lot more interested in the depiction of history and the progression of the story than in the requisite action sequences. We've seen enough sword and horse battles in this last year alone to last our generation of moviegoers for several years, although the strategy involved in the key battle for Jerusalem was communicated effectively and intriguingly.

I didn't particularly care for Orlando Bloom or most of the characters, save Saladin and the special guest star (initials E.N.) who portrayed King Baldwin. I certainly wasn't moved emotionally by anything like I was for Russell Crowe's anguish at the murder of his family and his spiritual reunion with them when he died in Gladiator. Still, I find myself rather fond of Kingdom of Heaven.

They should do a prequel: Kingdom of Heaven: The First Crusade, where the movie ends with the Christians slaughtering every Muslim and Jew in Jerusalem, wading waist deep in blood while singing praises to God. I think audiences are ready for it.

Luke and Leia

 LUKE AND LEIA

Sucks to be those two kids. From the moment they were born, their destiny was to kill their father. That's shitty. They were their only family but were separated at birth, raised on separate planets and never knew each other growing up. When they met by confluence of events, since they didn’t know they were related, Luke was hot for his sister. She even made out with him once to make Han Solo jealous. (The only people possibly not skeeved out by that would be George Michael and Maeby on Arrested Development.)

Luke said in Return of the Jedi that he never met his mother, except for the few seconds she saw him and named him "Luke" before she died from her broken heart (possibly also from complications from childbirth or even Medi-droid incompetence.)  It's true that baby Luke never got to suck on Natalie Portman’s supple little breasts. Aunt Beru probably didn’t offer herself up as a substitute.

The decision making process behind how the kids were assigned their foster parents hardly seems fair. Leia was given to Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan and is raised as Leia Organa, a princess. Luke was given to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru on Tattooine and raised as a dirt poor moisture farmer. Pretty good deal for Leia, shitty for Luke. At least he wasn’t given to Watto to be raised as a slave like his father was.

There was some logic to why Luke was sent to Tattooine. If he was going to be the one chosen to grow up and kill Vader, then hiding him on Tattooine was a smart move. Anakin hated Tattooine and Vader would never set foot on his homeworld ever again.

But what was the wisdom behind raising Luke as “Luke Skywalker?” The kid was constantly trying to get a piloting license and become a starpilot. Wasn’t anyone remotely worried the name “Skywalker” registering across Imperial channels would raise a red flag and alert that other Skywalker in the black helmet that there was a kid out there using his name?

Something else that makes little sense: Jedi are supposed to be trained from childhood in the Force. It takes a lifetime to become a Jedi. So why did Obi-Wan wait until Luke was twenty before he started training him? Wasn't one of the problems with Anakin that he was already too old to be trained as a Jedi? And Anakin was only 9. Luke was twice that when he finally got started. Why wasn't Luke just hidden on Dagobah so he could be raised in a swamp by the backwards-talking little Muppet? At least he'd know what he was doing as a Jedi. And Luke speaking with Yoda's syntax would have been fucking great.

Luke to Vader: "Full of surprises, you'll find I am."

And the lies, dear God, the lies! Obi-Wan spent two movies lying right to Luke’s face. “Darth Vader betrayed and murdered your father.” That’s not what happened. A certain point of view? Really? Obi-Wan kept stringing Luke along, giving him little tidbits of false information. Then he up and died on him.

Next Obi-Wan became a Force ghost and kept right on jerking Luke around. My favorite moment of this is at the start of Empire Strikes Back when Luke gets attacked by the Wampa ice monster on Hoth, and is lying in the snow bleeding to death. Obi-Wan chooses this opportune time to haunt him.

Obi-Wan: “Luke.”
Luke: “What?”
Obi-Wan: “You will go to the Dagobah system. There you will meet Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me.”
Luke: “Can this wait? I’m fucking dying here.”

But for all the shit Luke goes through, including getting his hand cut off and getting personally electrocuted by the Emperor, at least he gets to learn about the Force and become a Jedi. Leia totally got the shaft there. She was also Force-sensitive but she never even got the consideration of being the one to become a Jedi and kill her father.

It really doesn’t make sense. Leia was the twin who was tough, mature, worldly, and intelligent. Luke was whiny and callow, like his father Darth Vader. So why would you send the boy who’s just like his father to go kill him instead of the girl who's just like her mother Padme, who was Vader's biggest weakness? It stands to reason Luke would be more susceptible than Leia to the very same temptations that turned his father to the Dark Side of the Force. So why just train Luke? Why not train both twins as Jedi? Wouldn't two Jedi coming after Vader be better than one? Is it because Leia’s a girl? Yes.

Mr. Burns: I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!

Yoda sat on Dagobah for twenty years watching those two kids from afar through the Force. I imagine he was more than a little disappointed when the whiny brat who’s the spitting image of Anakin Skywalker was the one Obi-Wan sent to him instead of his twin sister, the courageous freedom fighter and Rebel leader.

That’s probably why Yoda was so hard on Luke. They screwed up royally with Anakin; Yoda wasn’t going to coddle Anakin’s dope of a son like Obi-Wan did. Of course, at the first chance he got, Luke bailed on Yoda and went running off to get his hand chopped by Vader. Seems like they were hitching the horses to the wrong wagon.

Leia also got robbed of ever getting the satisfaction of seeing her father redeemed. Luke at least got to meet the real Anakin Skywalker before he died. Leia got squat. Luke landed on Endor and burned Vader’s body but didn’t invite his sister to the funeral pyre even though she was also on Endor. Nor did Leia get to see her sexy young daddy as a Force ghost at the very end of Return of the Jedi like Luke did.

If Luke was secretly bitter that Leia got the better upbringing, as I suspect he was, this must have been his revenge on his sister. What a dick.

But in the end, Leia got a handsome, dashing rogue boyfriend in Han Solo. Since he can't date the girl who turned out to be his sister, Luke is left with no love options except for gay droids or Ewoks. All Luke gets for his troubles are a bunch of Jedi ghosts to follow him around and tell him what to do. I guess everything worked out all right.

Constantine (***)

CONSTANTINE 

“What if I told you that God and the Devil made a wager, a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?”


** SPOILERS **

Why would He do something like that? That doesn’t sound like Him. Nevertheless, this is the core idea Constantine is based on, that God and Lucifer are on opposite sides with Earth as a neutral zone. Man is regularly influenced, pulled in different directions, but with no direct contact from either side. “The détente of the original Superpowers,” as the film refers to it.

In the middle of this supernatural game of checkers stands a lone, weary warrior, John Constantine. Constantine is a rude, chain-smoking, meddler in the occult, who has spent his entire adult life hunting down “halfbreeds,” demons from Hell who have gained more then their fair share of influence on Earth, and forcing them back to where they came from.

 

This is not the John Constantine I, nor anyone who has ever heard of him prior, am familiar with. That John Constantine, created by Alan Moore in the early 1980’s, was a blonde, brown trenchcoat-wearing, acid-tongued, chain-smoking Englishman bearing no small resemblance to Sting who starred in a Vertigo comic book titled Hellblazer.  

Constantine's John has transformed into a raven-haired, black trenchcoat-wearing, laconic, chain-smoking American who looks, sounds and acts like Keanu Reeves. His stomping grounds, Great Britain and points beyond in the comics, are now a grimy, shadowy Los Angeles. And yet, immediately upon meeting him and watching him perform an exorcism that sets the wheels of the story in motion, Reeves creates a John Constantine as true to the comics in spirit as he is different in appearance. There is immediate verisimilitude. This is John Constantine, all right. He looks and sounds different, but God damn it, it’s him.

The movie’s story is loosely adapted from perhaps the most highly regarded of Hellblazer’s storylines, “Dangerous Habits,” in which Constantine must come to grips with being diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. However, Constantine grafts an original story involving God, Lucifer, their Sons, Heaven, Hell, demons, angels, the Spear of Destiny, and the end of the world. John Constantine navigates a frightening maze, searching for the clues to the suicide of Isabel Dodson, whose soul is damned to Hell. 

Aiding him on his quest is Isabel’s twin Angela Dodson (both played by the fetching Rachel Weitz), a police detective running from her and her twin sister’s past and searching for the answer to her own future. They encounter a memorable cast of characters also late of Hellblazer: Papa Midnite (Djimon Hounsou), whose character somewhat resembles Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, except black, fearsome and supernatural, the Archangel Gabriel (Tilda Swinton), and the demonic halfbreed Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale, yeah, the guy from Bush).

It’s nice to see Hounsou no longer playing a slave of some sort. He’s finally been given us free of typecasting. Swinton, not so much, as she continues being the go-to actor for creepy, androgynous characters. Rossdale was a pleasant surprise, putting in a slimy and sinister turn, and getting that pretty face of his messed up. Shia LeBeouf plays Constantine’s would-be apprentice. Constantine even refers to LeBeouf as his Robin (not as a compliment). The film forgets all about LeBeouf during the entire middle act, and when he reappears again, his story ends differently from what you’d expect.

Reeves is much better as John Constantine than feared. He understands the doomed but defiant nature of Constantine and does a spin on the character that both respects its source material while playing to his strengths as an actor. What strengths? Come on, give the guy a break. Unlike Neo, who struggled with his mission in The Matrix trilogy, Constantine has no such internal conflicts. He’s damned, he knows it, fuck the Devil anyway. There’s real chemistry between Reeves and Weitz but John Constantine is not the best man on Earth to get emotionally involved with, and he’d be the first person to tell you that. 

Constantine is a horror picture crossed with a character study, much more akin to David Fincher’s Seven than a Wes Craven dead teenager movie. Even bounds by the restriction of a PG-13 rating, director Francis Lawrence had the balls to go for broke, taking Constantine and the audience on more than one jaunt through the flaming cityscapes of Hell, the golden gates of Heaven and points in between.

Lawrence’s visual style is bold and daring, yet he had a firm grasp of the characters and story. Constantine doesn’t play for laughs or irony either; this movie knows its subject matter is disturbing and isn’t shy about it. There are a few problems, notably the somewhat languid pace. Some of the CGI work on the monsters come off as less than convincing, although the location visuals were awe-inspiring, especially downtown Hell. Still, Constantine was a pleasant surprise in almost every way and is a superior effort from everyone involved.

What audience this movie is for isn’t entirely clear. It’s a dark, savage, supernatural thriller with horror elements and several nods to its comic book origins. Constantine is not a movie that will be readily embraced by the red states given the current cultural climate in America. But for those of us who don’t need to clutch the Bible to our chests in order to fall asleep at night, Constantine is a thrilling roller coaster ride right to the Devil’s doorstep, where we can all live vicariously through John Constantine as he walks up to Devil, sticks a middle finger right in his face, and gets away with it.

Transformers: The Movie

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE

For children who grew up watching The Transformers from '84-'86, Transformers: The Movie was the pinnacle of that cartoon and, in my case, of my 11 year old life up to that point; a gorgeously animated, ultra-violent, galaxy-spanning adventure about shapeshifting robots. The music and score are unforgettable. The dialogue is remarkably quotable. The violence remains unmatched for any mainstream cartoon aimed at children: the characters killed each other early and often. And most shocking death of all was the death of Optimus Prime.
To the best of my knowledge, Transformers: The Movie is the only movie actually set in the year 2005, which makes it the ideal choice to kick off Back of the Head's 2005.

---

"It is the year 2005. The treacherous Decepticons have conquered the Autobots' home planet of Cybertron..."
The Plot: The evil Decepticon forces led by Megatron lay siege to Autobot City on Earth. Autobot Commander Optimus Prime mounts a heroic rescue mission and saves his fellow Autobots but Prime's final battle with his arch enemy Megatron ends in his tragic death. The Autobot Matrix of Leadership, passed on to Ultra Magnus, becomes the focal point of a conflict sparked by Unicron, a robot planet-eater, seeking to destroy Cybertron, the homeworld of the Transformers. Unicron recreates the dying Megatron as Galvatron and charges him to destroy the Autobot Matrix. With Galvatron's forces on their trail, the Autobots face their darkest hour and must race across the stars to save Cybertron before it is destroyed by Unicron. Along the way, they meet new allies and the Matrix is passed to their new leader, Rodimus Prime.

KILLING IN THE NAME OF

John: The Transformers is the story of two bands of good and evil robots locked in a war that has raged for over four million years. Being weekday afternoon cartoon mainstays, the Transformers and G.I. Joe cartoons were violent but famously bloodless for sagas about armies trying to kill each other. Looking back, Transformers: The Movie was the transition point between the first set of Transformers toys that the cartoon was built around (quaintly referred to as Generation One today) and the next set of toys whose cartoon would follow the movie's release. The decision was made to literally kill off the popular old characters to make way for the new. Of course, at the time, we kids didn't know that. There was no warning for what we would see when we sat in the theatre to watch Transformers: The Movie:
Megatron: Die, Autobots!
John: Early in the movie, the Decepticons attack an Autobot shuttle headed for Earth. Megatron transforms into his gun mode and Starscream uses him to blow flaming holes straight through Prowl, Sunstreaker, Ratchet and fan favorite Ironhide. Even now, 19 years later - Holy shit, dude! Just like that, the Autobots were dead.

Megatron: This was almost too easy, Starscream.
John: No shit. It begs the question why the Decepticons didn't do that four million years ago. Before the shock of those cold-blooded murders could sink in, Ironhide, still marginally functional, makes a last, desperate attempt to stop Megatron and gets his head blown off point blank by Megatron's Fusion cannon.
Megatron: Such heroic nonsense.

YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH

Optimus Prime: Megatron must be stopped. No matter the cost.

John: With those words, Optimus Prime launched himself (literally) into a heroic action that blazed into my subconscious and remains there to this day. Prime singlehandedly barreling through the Decepticons, rocketing himself into the air, transforming in mid-air, and then shooting down every Decepticon in his way is amazingly bad ass. That action defined the Optimus Prime character for an entire generation and cemented him as an icon.

John: Optimus and Megatron then had their final confrontation. Even the dialogue is iconic:
Optimus Prime: One shall stand, one shall fall.
Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
Optimus Prime: That's a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.
Megatron: No! I'll crush you with my bare hands!
John: And he didn't. This fight was textbook WWE booking: the heel is totally outclassed by the babyface, the heel uses foreign objects and cheats to gain an advantage, there's outside interference, the face overcomes everything to win, but is never the same after the fight. By "never the same after" I mean "dies from" (the point where things differ greatly from the WWE.) Megatron takes advantage of Hot Rod's botched run-in attempt to grab a laser gun and uses it to mortally wound Optimus before being beaten to death by the patented Starfleet double sledge hammer.

John: A word about the music. Optimus Prime's theme song "The Touch" is one of the cheesiest and therefore greatest theme songs in all of cartoonland. Seriously, what fan of this movie doesn't hear this song and feel all a-tingle as visions of Optimus Prime fighting Megatron come rushing back? In 1997, "The Touch" showed up again in Boogie Nights. Writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson tries to pull a fast one: Mark Wahlberg sings it in a scene set in the early 80's, which is a blatant anachronism as the song wasn't recorded until 1986 specifically for Transformers: The Movie.

ENTER THE MATRIX

John: From the euphoria of Optimus Prime's heroism we immediately careen into the unfathomable sadness of his death. Robots and human children all cried together as Optimus passed away from his injuries, his metallic frame inexplicably and instantaneously turning to stone unlike every other Transformer who has died before or since.

Optimus Prime: Do not grieve. Soon, I shall be one with the Matrix.
John: The what now?
Neo: Whoa.
John: The biggest new concept introduced in Transformers: The Movie is the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, something never before mentioned at any point in the cartoon but is suddenly the single most important device in the universe. Apparently, the Matrix is the nexus of all the accumulated wisdom of the Autobots and the source of all their power. The Autobot Leaders have this Matrix encased in their chests and their souls are stored in the Matrix when they die. The Matrix must then be passed onto the next chosen leader.

Optimus Prime: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend, I pass the Matrix of Leadership as it was passed to me.
Ultra Magnus: But Prime, I'm just a soldier. I... I'm not worthy.
John: I'll say. Magnus, voiced by Robert Stack, proves that throughout the movie.
Ultra Magnus: What do you expect? I'm just a guy who solves Unsolved Mysteries. Actually, I don't even solve them, I just point out that they're unsolved.

SIZE DOES MATTER

John: Of all the new characters introduced in Transformers: The Movie, the biggest, literally, is Unicron, the devourer of worlds.
Galactus: There's an original idea.

John: Unicron is a robot planet that eats other planets. Actually, it seems like Unicron only eats other robot planets since he is never shown attacking organic worlds like Earth. Which begs the question of how many robot planets are there in space? There have to be enough for Unicron to sustain himself. And if there aren't, what does Unicron plan to do when he eventually eats every robot planet? So many questions. Unicron also has a secret. Oh, here it is: Unicron, being a planet, transforms into a really big fucking robot. A fitting final role for the late, great Orson Welles. In a way, Unicron is a lot like a giant robot version of Charles Foster Kane, though don't ask me exactly how that is.

THE NEW MODELS

John: The original Transformers, now mostly all dead, were redesigned into Earth-style vehicles and weapons when they crashed on Earth. In Transformers: The Movie, we meet all new characters, who are decidedly more futuristic-looking in keeping with the latest Cybertronian transformable robot designs. For the Autobots, there's Springer, the wisecracker, Kup, the cantankerous old Autobot with the wrinkles to show for it (robots get wrinkles when they age)...

John: Blurr talks and moves fast (but only in robot form - he doesn't drive extra fast as a car)...

John: Arcee, a hot female Autobot (who marked the first - but not the last - instance of me wanting to have sex with a robot)...

John: And most importantly, Hod Rod, the impetuous youth destined for greatness and voiced by Judd Nelson.

John: One big exception that bugs me is Ultra Magnus.

Ultra Magnus: What is it you have against me, son?
John: Nothing, really. But what I don't get is why Ultra Magnus transforms into a 1980's version of tractor car trailer when he wasn't with the original group of Autobots that crashed on Earth four million years ago who were redesigned.
Ultra Magnus: How do you know I wasn't?
John: I guess I don't.

MEET THE NEW BOSS, SAME AS THE OLD BOSS

John: Following their defeat at Autobot City, Starscream egged the Decepticons to throw all their wounded bretheren out into space. All he was really after was an easy excuse to get rid of Megatron and finally become leader of the Decepticons, a job which he'd been scheming after for four million years.
George W. Bush: It's hard work.
John: After a brief power struggle that really pissed off Astrotrain, who they were all riding back to Cybertron in, Starscream got his way and tossed Megatron into the void.
Megatron: Wait! I still function.
Starscream: Wanna bet?

John: Much like Futurama's Bender, another evil robot who once drifted hopelessly along through space in the year 3002, Megatron encountered a god of sorts: Unicron, who summoned Megatron to him for a purpose.
Megatron: Nobody summons Megatron!
Unicron: Then it pleases me to be the first. This is my command: You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It is the one thing, the only thing, that can stand in my way.
John: Megatron, who was in no position to make any demands, bitched and moaned at Unicron about every little thing. If I were Unicron, I probably would have just chewed him up and spit him out rather than deal with any more of his complaining, but Unicron is so afraid of the Matrix, he'd rather cut a deal with this asshole than do his own dirty work. You could already see that would be Unicron's fatal mistake right there. But instead, Unicron uses his crazy robot superpowers to give Megatron and his dying Decepticons life anew.
Unicron: Behold! Galvatron!

THE KING IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE KING

John: The first thing Galvatron does is go to Cybertron and put the Decepticons' house in order. Starscream was in the middle of the coronation he'd waited millions of years to have for himself when Galavatron crashed it, transformed into a cannon, and blew Starscream to kingdom come. Stepping on Starscream's shiny new golden crown was just extra mean.

Galvatron: Coronation, Starscream? This is bad comedy.
Starscream: Megatron? Is that you?
Galvatron: Here's a hint.

John: I'm surprised Starscream recognized Galvatron at all. Along with looking completely different, Galvatron has the voice of Leonard Nimoy. But I guess when you've been kicked around and held down by your boss for millions of years, you'd recognize him regardless of what he looked like. Anyway, the fear of also being disintegrated guaranteed instant loyalty to Galvatron from the rest of the Decepticons. As my uncle once told me: What breeds loyalty? Fear. Fucking fear.

THIS I SWEAR

John: Unicron got hungry and destroyed the two moons of Cybertron, gobbling up several Autobots and Spike, their longtime human ally, who uttered something totally unexpected as his shuttle was pulled into Unicron's waiting orifice.
Spike: Oh, shiiiiiiit!!
John: In the scene selection screen of the Transformers: The Movie DVD, the scene with Spike saying 'shit' is actually titled 'Swear Word.' Quite an effective warning. Kids, you must heed the warning and skip over this scene. It will tarnish your fragile little minds.

FIVE BY FIVE

John: At this point, Transformers: The Movie turns into a big chase movie where the Autobot forces head off into space to save Cybertron from this new menace trying to eat their planet. Galvatron and his shiny new Decepticons are hot on their tails and force the two Autobot shuttles to separate. Actually, this is where the movie starts to lose me a bit as the two sets of Autobot heroes meet annoying new friends.
Wheelie: Wheelie say find friends today.
John: Yeah, you. Hod Rod, Kup, and the Dinobots crash land on the planet Quintesson and meet Wheelie, a young, presumably male, Transformer. Yes, Transformer children. Not just Transformer children, but little orphan Transformer children. This is weirder than it already is. I'd like Wheelie a lot more if he were more like Tinny Tim. The heroes also run afoul of the mindless Sharkticons and their diabolical masters, the five-faced Quintessons.

John: We didn't know it at the time but it turned out the Quintessons were the original creators of the Transformers. Why did they create them? And who created the Quintessons? Youngsters, it's best to discover girls rather than seek the answers to those questions.

DARE TO BE STUPID

John: Meanwhile, Ultra Magnus, Springer, Arcee and Spike's young son Daniel crash land on the planet Junkion. Who lives there? Holy shit, more Transforming robots! The Junkions' leader is Wreck-Gar, voiced by Eric Idle. Wreck-Gar is quite a curiosity; a robot made of junk who transforms into a motorcycle, sports the facial hair of a 19th century Chinese opium lord, and who talks in outdated TV speak. Actually, now that I think about it, it makes sense; considering how long it takes a television signal to travel through space, I guess "And now the news. Don't touch that dial. Film at eleven" would be something retarded transforming robots who live on a junk planet would intercept. I still can't reconcile the facial hair.

John: The Autobots and the Junkions have little tussle set to Weird Al Yankovic's "Dare to be Stupid", one of the most endearingly inane songs ever recorded. When they were kids, Jeff and Lance used to listen to the song and try to do all the stupid things Weird Al describes, like squeezing all the Charmin they can and sticking their heads in the microwaves to get themselves a tan. You know, I bet they'd still do it if they hear the song. I should test that Pavlovian theory one of these days. Anyway, Galvatron attacks the Autobots and takes the Matrix from Ultra Magnus, who utters the first swear word ever heard from a Transformer while trying to use the Matrix on Galvatron.

Ultra Magnus: Open, damn it, open!
John: You kiss your robot mother with that mouth? Ultra Magnus finds himself literally blown to pieces by Galvatron, who takes the Matrix and, taking a cue from Flavor Flav, attaches a chain to it and wears it around his neck. In a way, I suppose Galvatron is a robot version of Flavor Flav.

John: Luckily, Hot Rod and his posse arrive on Junkion. The misunderstanding with the Junkions is smoothed over thanks to the "universal greeting."
Hot Rod: Bah weep graaaagnah wheep ni ni bong?
John: Apparently the producers of Transformers: The Movie decided to end The Jetsons' cornering of the market on gibberish ("Eep opp orp ah ah" means "I love you.") Take that, Elroy! After this meeting of the minds between the Autobots and the Junkions, they become fast friends. The Junkions repair Ultra Magnus and the entire band of merry robots spirit off to Cybertron for the big finish.

USURPER! USURPER!

John: Galvatron, thinking having the Matrix hangin' round his neck makes him the mack daddy, mouths off to Unicron one too many times and pees his shiny metal pants when Unicron transforms into the aforementioned BIG FUCKING ROBOT.

John: How Unicron planned to eat Cybertron while he was standing on it is something I question. Unicron swallows Galvatron and then gobbles up the Autobots who had just arrived for the rescue. As the Autobots fight to survive in Unicron's bowels, Galvatron and Hot Rod go one on one, and the Matrix gets involved. Hot Rod, the chosen one, is transformed.
The Voice of Optimus Prime: Arise, Rodimus Prime.

John: Up to this point, I've refrained from discussing Hot Rod and his hated alter ego, Rodimus Prime. I never hated Rodimus. I liked him. I had his action figure. Now, Hot Rod was a cooler character, not just because he knew my nickname...
Hot Rod: Fish're jumpin' today, huh, Dano?
John: ...But because he was the young rebel who was on the cusp of becoming a great hero. His sudden transformation into Rodimus Prime, the successor to Optimus, and the new top dog of the Transformers was too much for most kids to swallow and they didn't like it one bit. After all, we'd just met Hot Rod in this very movie, and now he's supposed to take the place of our beloved Optimus Prime, the guy we just saw die saving the world? Most kids turned on Rodimus Prime the way the Madison Square Garden crowd turned on Brock Lesnar and Goldberg at WrestleMania XX. Eventually, they got their way as Optimus came back from the dead and Rodimus was demoted back to Hot Rod, but the damage was done.

'TIL ALL ARE ONE!

John: Hang on, we're almost done. Rodimus Prime handlily defeats Galvatron in battle, tossing him out of Unicron the way Kevin Nash once used Rey Mysterio as a javelin on Monday Nitro. And then it was time for one last bit of crazy robot magic.

Rodimus Prime: Now light our darkest hour!
John: Unicron was already uncomfortable from all the robots fighting inside him. He probably felt a little like Mr. Slave does with Lemmewinks and Paris Hilton crammed up his sphincter.

Unicron: Jesus Christ!
John: Rodimus opens the Matrix and unleashes its awesome power. No wonder Unicron was scared shitless of that thing. It was the only laser light show in the galaxy that could blow up a giant planet-sized robot real good. And then it's over. The Autobots have won their greatest victory. The Decepticons have been defeated at last. Unicron is no more; even though Cybertron's moons are gone, Unicron's head orbits the planet, presumably correcting any meteorological issues Cybertron encountered from the loss of its moons. Everything worked out just great.

Rodimus Prime: Let this mark the end of the Cybertronian wars as we march forward to a new age of peace and happiness. 'Til all are one!
John: 'Til all are one what? Transformable robots? I'd love to be one. Whatever. One thing I do know: Transformers: The Movie is an awesome movie of the 1980's.