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Monday, September 2, 2013

Total Divas 1x6 - "Diva Las Vegas"


Vegas, baby, Vegas. If you wanted to see the blurred crotches of the Bella Twins, this Total Divas is your dream come true.

The Total Divas head to Sin City this week to "celebrate" (Nattie's favorite word and thing to do about herself) Nattie and her bachelorette party. TJ also has his bachelor party in Vegas and he brings some of WWE's lower rung talent with him (a special sighting of Curt Hawkins!), but they also have a main eventer present in the form of Daniel Bryan. The specter of Jaret in the form of flirty text messages she was warned by Nikki not to answer but does follows Nattie to Vegas, but overall Nattie and her bachelorette party are merely the backdrop for some of the other Divas to have their turn in the spotlight.

For the Jojo fans, it's at last Jojo's week to be front and center. She hasn't had a storyline since her ex Sebastian dumped her, and she has quickly rebounded by crushing on Justin Gabriel. (She's taunted for it by none other than Chris Jericho.) Jojo and the red headed fembot called Eva Marie have a house warming party in Tampa and invite the Total Divas cast, their male counterparts, and Justin Gabriel, who disappears onto a balcony with Jojo and applies the Greco-Roman tongue lock. Justin is also invited to Vegas, presumably as Jojo's date for the weekend. What's weird about Justin's presence, besides how weird Justin comes off in general, is that he seems to stick out like a sore thumb, even among his male peers. Gabriel seems more consciously aware than most he's on a television show. Justin doesn't join TJ's shenanigans and instead seems to hit on women solo, seen by Jojo (who is underage and can't really do anything fun in Vegas) and Eva Marie. Justin hops in a cab with the lady (of the night?) and disappears. Later, he tells Jojo the age difference is too much for him (she's 19, he's at least a decade older). He's right, probably, and skeevy definitely.



So that's it for Justin Gabriel. Seems like he blew his chance to be a regular player on a hit E! reality show. Back to Superstars, Main Event and Saturday Morning Slam for him.

Meanwhile, we learn of the course of events that create a situation known as BRIE MODE. See, when Brie Bella gets drunk, she goes into a state Nikki dubbed Brie Mode (Nikki also says Brie was called Keg Killer in high school). Thing is, Brie Mode doesn't seem all that bad. Oh, she dances around all sexy-like (but it's Nikki who falls and plops down on the ground all drunk), but even in Brie Mode, Brie can still give heartfelt advice to doubting Nattie a la what to do with Nattie's conflicting feelings toward Jarret. Bryan Danielson (Brie's boyfriend/WWE Superstar), who is in Vegas, isn't the biggest fan of Brie Mode, and has his own cure for the morning after hangover. Overall, though, Brie Mode is pretty tame, solidifying Brie as the better Bella. This is not to say Nikki wasn't awesome in this episode as well. This is Nikki's best outing yet in terms of being not the center of drama. Plus we meet Nikki's vibrator, the Purple People Eater.

Finally, there is Vincent. Bald, orangutang-like Vincent, who reacted badly to Ariane not inviting him to Vegas because it's all WWE people there and arrived anyway. Once in Vegas, Vincent becomes the Tazmanian Devil, bouncing around their thebombdotcom suite at the Palms, making a complete ass out of himself at dinner, and then plowing himself with alcohol and making an even bigger ass of himself at Ghost Bar. Ariane literally had to drag him out of the club for a permanent time out. Previews indicate Ariane has some bad news for Vincent next week. Babe, that's messed up! *punches elevator door*.

TOTAL DIVAS REVELATION: TJ is the only man Nattie's ever been with. John Cena reacted to this appropriately nonplussed. As for Nikki and how many men's she's been with, no number is given. "Hopefully, it's between one and a thousand." says Cena. (The Champ is here!)
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Sunday, September 1, 2013

Live Tweeting #WWEBoston SuperShow


On the onset of what turned out to be a terrific night of WWE live action, announcer Justin Roberts encouraged the thousands in attendance at TD Garden to tweet about the event with the hashtag #WWEBoston. I decided to live tweet the results of the show, but with a twist. To wit:











The munificent missive above was momentarily broadcast on the TD Garden jumbo tron during intermission.



















An enchanting evening of exciting exhibition of sports entertainment prowess! Okay, so what the hell was I doing? Simple. 99.99% of live tweeting anything, WWE included, is mind-numbingly banal. So I decided to live tweet by invoking this man:

I think his Lordship Alfred Hayes would have approved of my endeavors.

Actual results of what was my first live WWE show since WrestleMania 28 in Miami, my first house show in 3 1/2 years, and one of the best WWE house shows I've ever been to:

Dolph Ziggler defeated Big E. Langston with the Zig Zag.
Dean Ambrose of The Shield pinned Rob Van Dam to retain the United States Championship in the match of the night.
Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero introduced the Divas and announced the result of a fan poll determining a six Diva tag team match rather than a Dance Off.
Kaitlyn, Natalya, and Naomi of the Funkadactyls defeated Divas Champion AJ Lee, Brie Bella, and Layla when Brie abandoned AJ and left the match, allowing Kaitlyn to spear AJ for the pin.
Kofi Kingston pinned Ryback.
The Big Show and Mark Henry defeated WWE Tag Team Champions Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns of the Shield when Dean Ambrose interfered with a chair to cause a disqualification.
The Wyatt Family defeated R-Truth and the Usos.
Paul Heyman invoked Article 17.4 of Curtis Axel's contract, voiding that the following No Disqualification match would be for the Intercontinental Title.
In a non-title No Disqualification match, CM Punk pinned Intercontinental Champion Curtis Axel in under three minutes with the GTS and then caned both Heyman and Axel.
WWE Champion Randy Orton pinned Daniel Bryan with the RKO following interference by RAW General Manager Brad Maddox and distraction by The Shield. Rob Van Dam, Dolph Ziggler, and Mark Henry helped Bryan hit all their finishers and clear the ring of the Shield.

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Monday, August 26, 2013

Total Divas 1x5 - "Feuding Funkadactyls"


The Funkadactyls Explode! Ariane is a Diva in the diva sense of the word. Trinity is more interested in, you know, wrestling. It's like oil and vinegar. And yet, their marriage works. But not this week. This week, Ariane's motor mouth and her abundant pride in winning a go-kart race between her, Trinity, Eva Marie and Jojo was finally the straw that broke the camel's back and tore the Funkadactyls apart! Name calling, yelling, shoving in public (Trinity shoved first, a detail that is semi-important) and soon, Trinity declares to Talent Relations that she no longer wants to work with Ariane. (As Total Divas tells it, Brodus Clay and Tensai, the male half of this unit, have no interest in resolving the tension between their dancing valets.)

The friction between the Funkadactyls was enough to involve Stephanie McMahon herself, who gave them a stern McMahon corporate talking-to about unprofessionalism. Neither of them are a *solid* B+ in Stephanie's eyes. But she gave them what they wanted: singles action on the WWE's B and C shows. Trinity was delighted to work with Alicia Fox but her delight and over-enthusiasm caused her to badly miscalculate a flying bodypress that E! presents as the single worst botch in the history of the five weeks E! has been covering WWE. Meanwhile, without saying it bluntly - as the watching Divas' facial expressions told the story - Ariane can't wrestle so well, and falls to the expert mat tactician that is Aksana.

Finally, the Funkadactyls saw the error of their ways and reconciled that together, they are stronger than they ever could be apart. (Until the day comes Trinity gets a solo push, then it's Girl-Bye to Ariane.) But for now, let us feel the warmth in our hearts that the Funkadactyls remain united. We never knew until now just how close we all came to losing the Funkadactyls forever.

Meanwhile, it's Natalya's birthday week and Nattie, as she said to the camera several times, wants "to celebrate me." Foiling her attempts to celebrate herself are the obstacles as follows:

1) WWE, her employers, who booked her to lose by pinfall in Calgary (Alberta, Canada) to the Bellas and cry about it on RAW. A moment I remember distinctly because I found it hilarious. Nattie was the latest victim of WWE's policy of embarrass their employees in their hometown.

2) Tyson "TJ" Kidd, Nattie's fiance, Calgary's biggest mama's boy, indifferent to Nattie's obvious and obviously stated dislike for his mother and family. TJ loves family, puts it above everything. He's the kind of guy who'll bail on his woman and leave her alone in her hotel so he can stay overnight on his mom's pullout couch. He's the kind of dreamboat loverboy who invites his mom and sister to romantic birthday dinners.

What's weird is that Nattie is in her hometown but doesn't seem to know anyone. Doesn't she have her own family and friends to spend time with and "celebrate her"? Total Divas says nay! Well, not entirely. Nattie does have one friend, another rooster in the henhouse, at it were. Jaret, her one time trainer and tanning salon friend who spray tanned Nattie (if you like Nattie in bikinis, this is the episode for you) and took her to a private romantic dinner, just him, Nattie, and the camera crew, in order to declare his love and make his play for her hart.

As for the Bellas, this is A Very Special Episode of Total Divas because we learn a lot about Nikki and Brie's lives growing up. Their addict father abandoned them when they were fifteen and their father figure was their late grandfather Pop-Pop (in the attic) whom the Bellas mourn. Nikki has no interest in a relationship with her father, but Brie's announcement that she's returning to their hometown of Brawley, California to see dear old dad caused Nikki to launch into Every Kind of Displeased Facial Expression Nikki Bella can make.

But it was a talk in the opulent CeMansion with John Cena that changed Nikki's mind to give her father a chance. I tell you now, WWE Universe, if the John Cena of Total Divas were the John Cena of regular WWE programming, no one would boo him. John Cena is a man's man, a great man. Patient, understanding, insightful, with a calm, soothing voice delivering just the right advice. As Zoidberg would say, "Such a man, he is!" Cena is so patient and amused as Nikki walks over to his framed photo of the WWII Allied Powers and fails completely to accurately name Stalin, Churchill and FDR. But more important than the cute butt Nikki just wants to bite, it's the (sometimes Chinese) words that come out of Cena's mouth that move Nikki the most.

And so it was that the Bellas and Brother Bella go to Brawley to meet with their estranged father. Honest words are exchanged, tears are shed, and the first steps to the Bellas reconciling with their father, who promises to do better, are taken. Heart. Warming.

TOTAL DIVAS REVELATION: Eva Marie and Jojo wear bronzer to work out, because "you never know who [will be there for them to hit on]." (Roman Reigns, in this case.)
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Sunday, August 25, 2013

In A World...

IN A WORLD...

** SPOILERS **

In A World... assures you'll never listen to a movie trailer the same way again. Written, produced, directed by, and starring Lake Bell as an underachieving voice coach with a gift for accents, In A World... shines a light on an industry within the movie industry rarely given much thought to: the surprisingly cut-throat world of Hollywood voice over work. Ruled for decades by the late Don LaFontaine, whose distinctive voice and catchphrase "In a world..." kicked off countless movie trailers, the Hollywood voice over industry turns out to be a rat's nest of vain, opportunistic, sexist slimeballs. 

One of those slimeballs jockeying to fill the void left by LaFontaine is Bell's father Fred Melamed. A real piece of work with a trophy wife Bell's age, Melamed is himself a vainglorious voice over legend who thinks nothing of cutting his own daughter off at the knees to have his voice grace the trailer of the biggest movie "quadrilogy" on the horizon, "The Amazon Games", a riff on the mega-popular The Hunger Games saga. Melamed kicks Bell out of his "crash pad", which sends her onto the couch of her sister Michaela Watkins and her PB&J loving husband Rob Corddry. Bell gets a stroke of luck when she's chosen to voice the trailer of "The Amazon Games," essentially stealing the plum job from the young stud of the voice over industry, Ken Marino. But only one of their melodious voices can be the voice of the new generation of Hollywood trailers.

Fitfully funny and quirky throughout, with a tremendous cast including Nick Offerman, Alexandra Holden, Eva Longoria, Jason O'Mara, Geena Davis, and a cameo by a famous Charlie's Angel, In A World... outright questions why there are virtually no females voicing over movie trailers, which are seen by every person all over the world. Bell's not out to change the world of voice over, however, just to have a place in it. In A World... is more chiefly concerned with matters of family, self-reliance, and self-assurance. An endearingly subtle comedienne, Bell winningly eschews glamor and artifice as the star of In A World... Whether caught in a compromising position in Marino's private memorabilia room, having a series of increasingly sweet moments of awkward courtship with her ADR producer Demetri Martin, or not-so-covertly following any random person with an interesting voice around with her omnipresent tape recorder, Bell is an offbeat charmer, like her movie.

Also, bonus points for Bell's use of Tears For Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World".
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Saturday, August 24, 2013

The Spectacular Now

THE SPECTACULAR NOW

** SPOILERS **

Imagine Shailene Woodley's surprise when she finds Miles Teller passed out on someone's lawn while delivering her mother's paper route at 6am. Teller is well-known in their high school, not for any particular athletic or academic achievements, but for being a gregarious party boy screw up. Teller is a confident schmoozer rarely without a plastic soda cup in hand, which he spikes from his omnipresent secret flask. Teller should be applying for college - or applying himself in any fashion - but he lives in the Now, with no particular whims about tomorrow. 

After a not-uncommon bender, he's found by Woodley, who at first fears he's dead. Teller awakens and quickly charms her. She's beautiful, obviously, but guys don't normally see her that way. She reads sci-fi, has never had a boyfriend, and has a domineering mother. Teller is drawn to her, which he can't quite admit to himself, attracted as he still is to his ex Brie Larson. Woodley is flattered by his attention, intrigued by his verbosity and charm. They like each other, and it goes from there. It's first love, it's tender, it's sweet, it's raw, it's painful, and indeed, it's spectacular. 

Written by the scribes of [500] Days of Summer and directed by James Ponsoldt, The Spectacular Now is a golden little treasure of a coming of age film. The smooth-talking Teller is a cauldron of abandonment issues, as well as his increasingly alarming alcoholism, both a result of his deadbeat dad Kyle Chandler, whom Teller and Woodley visit in the film's most heart wrenching sequence. Teller gifts a flask of her own to Woodley, a red flag that the film thankfully doesn't pursue, though tragedy does blindside Woodley in an unexpected way. Woodley has hopes and a plan of her own for her future, and The Spectacular Now suffers in its third act as it seems to rush to find a pat resolution to Teller's issues, but that doesn't diminish the spectacular lead performances by Teller and Woodley. Why, if Star Wars were a coming of age indie film, it would be the scene in the tavern where Teller and Woodley see exactly what kind of man his father really is.
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Thursday, August 22, 2013

Untold History of the New 52


Superman Unchained is the number one blockbuster mega-series by writer Scott Snyder and artist Jim Lee. Only in its 3rd issue, it's become clear Snyder and Lee are currently crafting what has to go down as the one of the finest Superman tales in recent years and most certainly of the two year old rebooted DC Comics New 52 era. 

Depicting the current interpretation of Superman, younger, raw, impulsive, only five years into his career as the World's Greatest Superhero and not yet fully comfortable or, to be honest, completely deserving of that title, Unchained sees the Man of Steel encounter a circumstance he's entirely unprepared for: his role in the world as a hero questioned outright. For There Is Another in the world with powers beyond those of mortal men who has been serving the betterment of the world for decades in ways Superman never imagined.

But what's most interesting to me about this uber-tale Snyder is telling isn't the moral and ethical questioning of Superman's modus operandi or even the outrageous super action between Superman and his new alien rival, a being called Wraith. It's the revelation that Wraith has been covertly serving the United States government and directly impacting the course of history in the 20th century into today without anyone being aware of it. Touring a hidden bunker called The Machine beneath the Salt Flats of Utah, Superman learns of the course of human events changed by Wraith via one of Superman's greatest detractors (inconveniently the father of Lois Lane), General Sam Lane:


While the primary focus of Snyder's story is assessing Superman's greater responsibility to the world as a hero (Lane accuses him of being "a coward" and "the greatest mass murderer in human history" - quite a bit out there - for Superman's "need" for applause and wasting his powers "saving kittens from trees"), Snyder has struck a goldmine of story here, perhaps without fully realizing it. 

One of the most intriguing but underappreciated aspects of Watchmen, and a major contributing factor to why it holds the lofty and unchallenged title of Greatest Comic Series Ever, is that Alan Moore addressed how a superhuman being like Dr. Manhattan would actually change the world. Not just by saving it from alien invaders, super villains, or natural disasters - the more comic booky threats to humanity. Dr. Manhattan's presence in the world altered technology, culture, elections, and America's standing as a global superpower. 

Snyder is lobbing the same compelling ideas about Wraith. Wraith landed on Earth in 1938 (the same year Superman's first appearance in Action Comics #1 was published) and served the United States government covertly since that time. Snyder overtly states Wraith has directly participated in every major conflict of the 20th century, sliding the scales and balancing the peace on the side of the United States of America. The very first pages of the first issue of Superman Unchained reveal Wraith himself was "the bomb" that was dropped on Nagasaki, which finally ended World War II.

This is fascinating stuff!

Akin to Oliver Stone's recent documentary series Untold History of the United States (which any fan of 20th century history really should watch whether or not Stone's point of view suits yours), Snyder has found the promised land of story potential. The New 52 version of the DC Universe is a clean slate, with superheroes like Superman and the Justice League only emerging 5-6 years ago, and very little is known about what the New 52's history was like before then. By rebooting the universe, The New 52 wiped clean the previous "history" of DC Comics where superheroes have existed since the 1930s and 1940s. 

Snyder has now blown the doors open, establishing the first glimpse of the history of the last century in The New 52. Snyder is telling us that everything we assume happened in history, which is a reflection of our own history, was affected and even molded by the actions of Wraith and The Machine. World War II, Korea, Vietnam, the fall of Communism, etc. all presumably happened and Wraith had a hand in it all. Did 9/11 happen? Or maybe it didn't; did Wraith stop it? Or if it did, why didn't Wraith prevent it? There is story here! 

There's a golden opportunity for DC Comics to pounce on to one day tell the Untold History of The New 52 and reveal to us just how and in what ways Wraith altered the course of human events. It could be an amazing funhouse mirror of our own real-world history. For Snyder, this could be a chance to deliver something akin to his own Watchmen; to be the architect of the New 52's Untold History. Snyder, a disciplined storyteller who does his research, has ample skill dabbling in historical settings in his marvelous creator-owned series American Vampire and Severed. 

I sincerely hope one day Snyder and DC Comics do finally tell the Untold History of the New 52. It's a history worth revealing.

Although, "Wraith", it turns out, is a pretty silly acronym.
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Monday, August 19, 2013

Total Divas 1x4 - "The 'Fat' Twin"

 

A gross injustice occurred at the 10pm hour on Sunday night: mean, rude people on social media called Nikki Bella fat. And it hurt her feelings. Let's get this out of the way: Nikki Bella is the farthest thing from fat. Just looking at her trying on sexy lingerie for John Cena confirms that she is in phenomenal shape. (And way, way too proud of her boobs, which get more air time and discussion than Eva Marie or Jojo this week.)

With this (wwe.com) Summerslam promotional beach photoshoot looming, Brie is concerned that with Nikki's increasingly different body type, the Bella Twins are no longer identical twins. Of course, that ship sailed when Nikki embiggened her chest, which she strongly encourages Brie to do. Brie's answer (which Bryan Danielson mocked her for because it means no pancakes for brunch) is to go on a juice cleanse for 20 days, and she ropes Nikki into it as well. Nikki lasted maybe a day before the call of muffins and wine (which has antioxidants so she doesn't consider it alcohol) was too much. Brie and Nikki settled their issues and no, Nikki Bella is not fat. (She's no Mickie James, that's for sure.)

Meanwhile, embiggening chests is all that's on Ariane's mind. Dragging Trinity and Jon Uso to LA to help her with this momentous decision (with special guest appearance by Vincent, who was like, licking the armrest of the couch or something), Ariane visited a famous Hollywood boob surgeon. The Funkadactyls are concerned that a breast enhancement would impede Ariane's ability to wrestle for up to two months, because if Superstars or Main Event suddenly need a Divas tag match to fill in one of its segments, that means they're screwed. I love how worried the undercarders who hardly get TV time get when faced with the threat of getting even less TV time. It's a cutthroat business.

Kind of like those old high school home ec assignments where you had to carry and egg around and pretend it's a baby you're taking care of, Ariane took two saline implants home to test out what it feels like to have breast implants. She wore them in her tops everywhere, including to the pool where Trinity mocked Jon for enjoying the California lifestyle too much. Trinity asked Sandra in wardrobe to sew the implants into the top of her ring gear, but the fiendish, devilish Bella Twins decided to rib Ariane and stole one of the implants! (John Cena strongly disapproved, because it violates the third tenet of the Cenation - not Hustle or Loyalty - and also BE A STAR, NIKKI!) A panicked Ariane had to stuff toilet paper in the deflated boob and went out there and danced at ringside and absolutely no one ever noticed because who's ever really paying attention to Cameron of the Funkadactyls?

In the end, the Bellas copped to their rib and Ariane can't be mad but swore vengeance on Nikki, as per the rules of backstage lest the Bellas and the Funkadactyls ever get called to appear before the Undertaker at Wrestler's Court, which would probably be the best episode of Total Divas ever if that happened.

As for Natalya, her relationship with TJ, aka Tyson Kidd, was the third major storyline. Nattie needs love, tender lovin'. She needs a pink and black attack. TJ, since being injured, spends all his time sitting on the couch watching WWE, playing with the cat, and ignoring her. Even when she's prancing around in sexy lingerie, he can't take his eyes off Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield. TJ surprises Nattie with a secret car ride to the skeevy neighborhoods of Tampa and springs a surprise wedding at the courthouse on her. Hilarious. He is totally incredulous when Nattie loses her shit over this and why he would think this is what she wants from him. It's totally hackneyed, played for the camera, BS, but TJ playing dumb was good for a chuckle. Later on, TJ makes up for it by surprising her on her return from the road with Stereotypical Romantic Shit like candles, rose petals, chocolate covered strawberries and whatnot, which is all Nattie ever wanted, let's get married (on a future episode of Total Divas).

TOTAL DIVAS REVELATION: Nikki Bella is (not) fat.
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