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Monday, August 19, 2013

Total Divas 1x4 - "The 'Fat' Twin"


A gross injustice occurred at the 10pm hour on Sunday night: mean, rude people on social media called Nikki Bella fat. And it hurt her feelings. Let's get this out of the way: Nikki Bella is the farthest thing from fat. Just looking at her trying on sexy lingerie for John Cena confirms that she is in phenomenal shape. (And way, way too proud of her boobs, which get more air time and discussion than Eva Marie or Jojo this week.)

With this (wwe.com) Summerslam promotional beach photoshoot looming, Brie is concerned that with Nikki's increasingly different body type, the Bella Twins are no longer identical twins. Of course, that ship sailed when Nikki embiggened her chest, which she strongly encourages Brie to do. Brie's answer (which Bryan Danielson mocked her for because it means no pancakes for brunch) is to go on a juice cleanse for 20 days, and she ropes Nikki into it as well. Nikki lasted maybe a day before the call of muffins and wine (which has antioxidants so she doesn't consider it alcohol) was too much. Brie and Nikki settled their issues and no, Nikki Bella is not fat. (She's no Mickie James, that's for sure.)

Meanwhile, embiggening chests is all that's on Ariane's mind. Dragging Trinity and Jon Uso to LA to help her with this momentous decision (with special guest appearance by Vincent, who was like, licking the armrest of the couch or something), Ariane visited a famous Hollywood boob surgeon. The Funkadactyls are concerned that a breast enhancement would impede Ariane's ability to wrestle for up to two months, because if Superstars or Main Event suddenly need a Divas tag match to fill in one of its segments, that means they're screwed. I love how worried the undercarders who hardly get TV time get when faced with the threat of getting even less TV time. It's a cutthroat business.

Kind of like those old high school home ec assignments where you had to carry and egg around and pretend it's a baby you're taking care of, Ariane took two saline implants home to test out what it feels like to have breast implants. She wore them in her tops everywhere, including to the pool where Trinity mocked Jon for enjoying the California lifestyle too much. Trinity asked Sandra in wardrobe to sew the implants into the top of her ring gear, but the fiendish, devilish Bella Twins decided to rib Ariane and stole one of the implants! (John Cena strongly disapproved, because it violates the third tenet of the Cenation - not Hustle or Loyalty - and also BE A STAR, NIKKI!) A panicked Ariane had to stuff toilet paper in the deflated boob and went out there and danced at ringside and absolutely no one ever noticed because who's ever really paying attention to Cameron of the Funkadactyls?

In the end, the Bellas copped to their rib and Ariane can't be mad but swore vengeance on Nikki, as per the rules of backstage lest the Bellas and the Funkadactyls ever get called to appear before the Undertaker at Wrestler's Court, which would probably be the best episode of Total Divas ever if that happened.

As for Natalya, her relationship with TJ, aka Tyson Kidd, was the third major storyline. Nattie needs love, tender lovin'. She needs a pink and black attack. TJ, since being injured, spends all his time sitting on the couch watching WWE, playing with the cat, and ignoring her. Even when she's prancing around in sexy lingerie, he can't take his eyes off Daniel Bryan vs. The Shield. TJ surprises Nattie with a secret car ride to the skeevy neighborhoods of Tampa and springs a surprise wedding at the courthouse on her. Hilarious. He is totally incredulous when Nattie loses her shit over this and why he would think this is what she wants from him. It's totally hackneyed, played for the camera, BS, but TJ playing dumb was good for a chuckle. Later on, TJ makes up for it by surprising her on her return from the road with Stereotypical Romantic Shit like candles, rose petals, chocolate covered strawberries and whatnot, which is all Nattie ever wanted, let's get married (on a future episode of Total Divas).

TOTAL DIVAS REVELATION: Nikki Bella is (not) fat.

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