TMNT (**1/2)

TMNT

March 24, 2007

I watched a lot of cartoons as a kid but I never got into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles like others did. I liked the few issues of the original comics by Eastman and Laird I read more than the more popular cartoon that followed. The comics were dark and violent, not so much watered down with the faux-cool, late 80's-early 90's surfer vibe ("Cowabunga, dude!") that was used to reel in the kiddies. Bart Simpson stopped saying "Cowabunga!" a year after The Simpsons debuted because the writers quickly figured out it's lame. The Ninja Turtles still say it. It's still lame. The first Ninja Turtles movie in 1990 with the turtle costumes designed by the Jim Henson Company was pretty good for its time, but the sequels got worse and worse. And that's my history with the Turtles in a nutshell. Or half-shell.
TMNT is a compromise: the gritty look and action of the original Ninja Turtles concept is preserved and yet the movie is safe for the Chuck E. Cheese crowd. The CGI animation by Imagini is excellent. The movie is great looking but a little dull. I wasn't digging the story so much and found it difficult to maintain interest in what was going on. But by the time Raphael and Leonardo had the fight on the rooftop they'd been building to the entire movie, I realized in that respect the movie was working. Leonardo as the prodigal leader returning to bring his brothers back together and Raphael as the angry, insecure brother left behind are the only characters in the movie with arcs. Everyone else is a supporting character, including Donatello and Michaelangelo. The plot of 3,000 year old warriors and interdimensional monsters was pretty neat but seemed too big for the four Ninja Turtles with their katana swords, nunchucks, sais, and wooden bo staff to handle. They handled it anyway and it all turned out all right.
The voice over acting is terrific. The cast was a Futurama jambearoo with John DiMaggio, Billy West, and Phil LaMarr contributing voices. Of the celebrity hired guns, Patrick Stewart as the Immortal villain Winters, Zhang Ziyi struggling to win her tongue-wrestling match with her English dialogue as the leader of the Foot clan, and Sarah Michelle Gellar as a much hotter-designed April O'Neil than expected were standouts. But what made me happiest was Mako as Splinter. He wasn't given a lot of dialogue, nor was it much more than the usual "wise, old sensei" cliches, but it's Mako and Mako was great. I especially loved the beat when Splinter shuffles into the kitchen to get tea, humming a Japanese ditty, unaware of the latest royal screw up by his Turtles. I think this was Mako's last cinematic role before he died last year. There wasn't enough Splinter in the movie. I love that wise old rat.

One of My Finest Moments: Shotgun Saturday Night

March 13, 2007

One Of My Finest Moments

I came across screencaps of Shotgun Saturday Night from ten years ago.  This is a pretty awesome find for me personally.  My friends and I still remember/talk about/make fun of me for what happened at this show but none of us have it on videotape.  That's right, videotape.   This was 1997.

For a few weeks starting in January of '97, WWE, which was then still the WWF (World Wrestling Federation), decided to tape a weekly late night show from nightclubs and locations around New York City.  These Shotgun shows served as an experiment in having a grimy, intimate, risque feel mimicking ECW's setting.  Shotgun predated what eventually became the WWF Attitude era on Monday Night RAW.  Shotgun Saturday Night ran for only a few weeks; they were held in locations like World Famous Webster Hall and even Penn Station before the ill-fated live show in a saloon in Texas that featured Terry Funk.  It was at that show where Funk, given a live microphone, called announcer Todd Pettingill "a son of whore" amongst a flurry of other colorful expletives. Shotgun was then immediately canceled. 

Shotgun's brief life did contain some very important moments in wrestling history, however, and I don't mean Sunny's "sex video" with a giant tickle me Elmo.  It was at the Webster Hall show (which I also attended) in week three that the crowd attacked Rocky Maivia with "Die, Rocky, Die!" chants, which eventually lead to Maivia's heel turn and transformation into The Rock.  We all know how that turned out.

But an even more historic moment occured in the first episode of Shotgun, which I was at.  That was the fateful first time ever when the WWF experimented with nudity, having Marlena (Terri Runnels) take her top off to distract the Sultan in his match with Goldust. 

You wanna see a douchebag?  There I was/am clear as day, in the white Andre the Giant Obey! shirt and glasses on the right.  You can't miss me.  Look at me contorting like a boa constrictor past the guy in front to get a clear look at Terri Runnels' giant (pastied up, I now know) saline balloons.  The stupid look on my face: it's like I've never seen a pair of giant fake breasts before.  And I hadn't... at a wrestling show.  This was perhaps the height of my douchebaggery, and that's saying something.  Ah, precious memories.

Trivia:  My good buddy Bill Rosemann and I think Mark Bernado and Andy Ball of Marvel Comics were also at this show, but back in January of 1997, I didn't know them.  I met them months later.  They didn't have quite the view I had.

Darth Incompetent

DARTH INCOMPETENT

March 11, 2007

The Empire Strikes Back is on HBO HD quite a bit. I've probably watched it a half dozen times. Naturally, I have some observations:

One doesn't appreciate the cleverness of the Wampa attack on Luke at the start of Empire that explains his mangled face until one learns that Mark Hamill got into a car accident in 1978. The accident really fucked his face up.  I like that they dealt with it at the start of Empire with the Wampa slashing Luke's face. I also like that it kind of fits Luke.  By losing his hand and being physically deformed over time, it echos what happened to his father. That's called turning a negative into a positive.

There was a big difference between the military agenda of the Empire and the crazy personal agenda of Darth Vader, whose whims the Imperial forces were subordinate to. When the Alliance transports evacuated Hoth one by one, the orbiting Imperial Starfleet should logically have pursued and destroyed them. Vader should have committed the firepower of the Imperial fleet into blasting the Rebel transports to smithereens, ending the rebellion once and for all. Instead he ignored the Empire's greater goal to personally chase after a few (albeit important) Rebels.

Vader committed the fleet's full resources into chasing the Millennium Falcon through an asteroid belt.  They didn't even catch the Falcon, I must point out.  Vader resorted to bounty hunters to eventually trap them on Bespin. One would say it would all have been worth it had Vader actually captured Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Chewbacca, or even either of their droids at least.  But he did not.  He had them all in his custody in one form or another but they all escaped.

So how did the Empire actually win in the second movie, as it is commonly believed they did? Because Vader cut off Luke's hand? The maiming of Luke Skywalker and the carbonite freezing of Han Solo are small, hollow triumphs that do the overall Empire no good.  As Solo even pointed out while he was tortured prior to the carbonite freezing, "They didn't even ask me any questions."  Why didn't Vader force Solo to reveal the secret location of the Alliance rendezvous?  There is no excuse for not doing so.

The facts are glaring: Darth Vader was incompetent. He screwed up left and right.  No wonder the Emperor sought a replacement in Luke Skywalker. Vader had lost it.  He had gone soft. Clearly, the Emperor was aware of Vader's lack of productive results. I suspect Vader was also aware that the Emperor schemed against him.  Why else would he have been so desperate to gain his son's allegiance?

The Emperor had a great deal of political proof that Vader needed to be replaced. Not that he would ever need to justify getting rid of Vader. Vader wasn't the most popular guy in the Empire. As one watches Vader in Empire today, it's actually helpful to visualize Hayden Christensen behind the helmet. It lends a lot to Vader's incompetence and to why his fellow Imperial compatriots can't stand him. Not to mention that Vader was executing Imperial officers left and right to cover up for his own incompetence.

Anakin was a crappy Jedi and Vader was just as crappy a Sith Lord. The galaxy is better off without him. Hell, the galaxy would have been better off if he'd never been born. Damned midi-chloreans.

300 (***)

300

This is Sparta!

300 is exactly what it says it is. It's a visual feast and the action is entertainingly absurd.  It's not deep or complex and never claims to be. I liked 300 more than Sin City because it told a better story and wasn't as preoccupied with how cool it was. I don't think any red blooded man in the theatre watching 300 didn't fantasize in the moment about being as bad ass as a Spartan. Or at least having their pecs and eight pack. If those long-dead Spartans could see how 300 portrays them - noble, courageous, half-mad, and unstoppable in battle - they'd no doubt be pleased. Of course, a real Spartan has no time for movies, he'd be too busy killing anyone who looks at him cock-eyed.

A couple of little things in 300 struck me as odd or out of place. The line "Tonight, we dine in Hell!" for instance. Hades, you mean. What the hell is 'hell' to an ancient Greek? The last shot of the movie also left me scratching my head. After the 300 are dead a year and David Wenham gives his closing speech to rouse his army against Xerxes' hordes, he leads a charge to close the picture. It's an unusual battle strategy when Leonidas explained earlier to the misshapen traitor who wanted to be a Spartan that the secret to Spartan victory is an impenetrable defensive phalanx. But whatever. When Leonidas threw his spear and made Xerxes's cheek bleed, in my head I heard the black guy in Rocky IV: "YOU SEE? YOU SEE? HE'S NOT A MACHINE! HE'S A MAN!" Or not a god, he should say. Leonidas should have said that as he was lying there with all the arrows in him. 

WWE Films puts out a couple of movies a year now starring their wrestlers but 300 is the closest I've seen a motion picture come to what watching WWE is like. As I write this, I'm watching Friday Night Smackdown and the similarities couldn't be more obvious. Over the top action? Bloody ultraviolence? Check and check. Ripped and jacked nearly naked men? Check. Dialogue yelled at the top of their lungs? Check. Straightforward storytelling with clear cut good and evil? Check. All problems solved by fighting? Check. Freaks of all sizes and shapes? Check. Strong, sexy women being demeaned with violent comeuppance to the villains who mistreat them? Check. Some homoeroticism? (See above photo). Oh my, yes, that's a check. The Immortals even busted out a dropkick and their big muscle monster hit a chokeslam. Warner Bros. could have put this on pay per view and charged $45 for it, but they're no Vince McMahon. Then again, Leonidas never did kiss Xerxes' bare ass.

Letters From Iwo Jima (**)

LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA

Remember the movie The Devil's Own?  No, of course you don't, hardly anyone saw it. The Devil's Own was a 1997 Harrison Ford and Brad Pitt picture where Ford played an Irish American cop and Pitt was an Irish gangster.  The key line that all the critics disputed was "This isn't an American story, it's an Irish one."  Letters From Iwo Jima is just like that.  It's not a Japanese story, it's an American one.  Despite an all-Japanese cast and being spoken in Japanese, the sensibility was purely American. Not one of the "heroic" Japanese characters at war with the United States killed a single American in the movie.  In fact, all the main characters were positively in love with Americans.

I read the James Bradley book Flags of our Fathers and did some independent reading about Iwo Jima.  According to the book, the Japanese army was so brainwashed by the Imperial Command that they were fanatical about defending the island.  They were willing to die to keep it from America .Though they were no doubt scared shitless of the massacre about to land on their black sand island, the Japanese army did their jobs believing it was the right thing to do and, more importantly, because it's what the Emperor commanded.

Those 20,000 Japanese held the island for 40 days, killed 7000 Marines and inflicted another 21,000 casualties. What they achieved against overwhelming odds, even in losing and dying, was staggering.  The Japanese defenders gave the Marines one of their bloodiest, costliest battles in their history. Letters takes all that achievement away from the Japanese. Good, you say. Because they were the Enemy. Sure, except Letters From Iwo Jima is supposed to be from their point of view. 

Letters is basically a 3 hour sepia-toned version of the Us Weekly column "They're just like Us!"  (Look, Jennifer Garner shops at the Gap!  Lindsay Lohan buys laundry detergent!  They're just like Us!)  Look, the "good" Japanese love American-made guns and don't want to shoot a dog!  They're just like us! It would have been highly unlikely the real Japanese soldiers would have tenderly cared for a captured American POW and had a pleasant chat with him about Mary Pickford. No, more likely, they would have cut his dick off, shoved it in his mouth, chopped off his limbs and decapitiated him. Because that's what the Japanese did to American Marines. Look it up.

There was little sense of time or stategy in the movie. It took 6 days for the Marines to claim Mount Suribachi and take the famous photo of the Marines raising the flag on its summit.  Letters would have you believe the Japanese soliders gave it up in ten minutes and then bumbled around the caves like Stooges.  The miles of tunnels they dug and the combat strategy they employed was devastating to the Marines, especially in the opening days of the battle.  But in the movie, there was no sense that the Japanese knew what the fuck they were doing.  They were all depicted as panicky idiots in the wake of the mighty Marine invasion.

The only Japanese soldier who was actually authentic was the captain who was yelling at the "heroes" to dig faster in the beginning and then proudly commited suicide when the Americans were winning.  The "hero" at the end smiling because he was taken in as a POW and gets to hang with the Americans he loves so much?  Bullshit!  In the values of his culture he's a fucking coward.  He disgraced his Emperor, he disgraced his ancestors, he disgraced his wife and child, who were probably executed.  What the fuck was he so happy about?  If he had any honor he should have killed himself. But he doesn't think like a Japanese because he isn't one.  He's an American character disguised as Japanese.  It's all a crock.   

Ken Watanabe was the only good thing in the movie; General Kuribayashi really did respect the United States and believe the island was going to eventually fall.  That I believed.  Everything else was whitewashed garbage. 

January 23, 2007

Letters From Iwo Jima got Academy Award nominations this morning for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Original Screenplay (I'll say it was "original") among others. Even with virtually every critic and now the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences hailing Letters, I'm gonna continue to walk against the wind and claim it's not very good.

The Hitcher (**)

THE HITCHER

January 18, 2007

I have a gun!

The Hitcher is a remake of a Rutger Hauer/C. Thomas Howell movie from the 80's. This version stars the great Sean Bean and Sophia Bush, who's real purty. The good news is Bush is lovingly photographed and probably can't look any hotter than she does in this without a full monty. The bad news is there's no full monty.

Bush plays a college student with bladder control issues who has to pee a lot. She has a douchebag boyfriend she's driving to New Mexico with for spring break. The douchebag likes to drive real fast in the rain and pays less attention to the road than he does to his hot girlfriend. I can understand staring at Sophia Bush but not so much when his main job is to keep them from dying in a car accident. Sure enough, the douchebag proves he's incapable of keeping them from a car accident, but before that part, they almost run over and then end up giving a ride to Sean Bean, the hitcher. 

Bean turns out to be quite a prolific mass murderer. He has the Jack Bauer-esque ability to shoot a helicopter down with a handgun and can break his wrists to escape handcuffs with barely a flinch. Bean was 006 in Goldeneye so maybe that's where he got his awesome killing skillz. His bodycount in this picture includes 14 cops and a family of four. Bean doesn't say much and there is no rationale whatsoever given to why he kills so many people. Poor Sean Bean is better than this material. In his few dialogue scenes, Bean visibily struggles with how one dimensional and monosyllabic his character is. However, Bean does sort of implies that everything he did was to make Bush find the balls to kill him and he is very clear about why he wants to kill Bush's boyfriend.

Sean Bean: Your boyfriend's a whiny bitch. 

No argument here. The douchebag's death is actually pretty satisfying. I'd grown quite tired of him and Bush making bonehead choice after dumbass decision as Bean toys with them and chases them across New Mexico's desert. At one point the douchebag and Bush hole up in a seedy roadside motel for the obligatory sexytime. The douchebag elicits the movie's biggest laugh (and one "He's gay!" shoutout) when he leaves the sexy shower with steamy hot, naked Sophia Bush to go call for help, promising he'll "be back in 15 minutes."

It was pretty obvious all along that Bush was gonna survive the movie. First, she's real purty. Second, the producers of The Hitcher made the remake of the thematically similar The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, where real purty Jessica Biel also survives a serial killer who wants her dead for no good reason. 

Unfortunately, Bush lacks Biel's physicality and when she gets trapped in a flaming prison transport and busts her way out, shotgun in hand to finally confront Bean, in the words of Jim Garrison in JFK, I found it simply not believable. Bean was wearing a bulletproof vest and Bush kept shooting him in the chest, eliciting the second biggest laugh from the audience. It's a huge turnoff that no one in this movie besides Bean is particularly smart, especially not Bush, who every time she got ahold of a handgun felt the need to announce "I have a gun!"

Normally, I'd be into a story about a hot girl asserting herself and learning to kick a killer's ass. I like shit like that. Not so much here though. By the end, Bean's murderous torment of Bush twisted her into the killer she fought the whole movie not to turn into. But to Bean's chagrin, she doesn't think pumping a shotgun and blowing killers away like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 is cool. Bush's last words to Bean are, "I can't feel anything." I know exactly what she means.

2006 OUR so-called SPORT Year End Awards

2006 Year End Awards

 

2006 won't go down as a particularly good year for sports entertainment. The return and subsequent dismemberment of ECW is what stings the most. When you factor in the creative blasé on both RAW and Smackdown, the void left by the departures of several of our favorites from WWE, plus the unwanted return of Vince Russo to ruin TNA's booking, it's been a frustrating year for the longtime wrestling fan.  The kind of year which made us continually question why we're even watching anymore.

The answer? Because we still love it. We still love it thanks to the people and events that made 2006 memorable. OUR so-called SPORT decided those who provided us with our favorite moments this year need their props.  Thus, the coveted OUR so-called SPORT Year End Awards are back to spotlight the truly deserving men, women, and events of 2006.
Those we honor truly have our deepest gratitude. Were it not for them, we'd have found something better to occupy our Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday nights, and several Sundays a month.  You're all Champions who deserve spinner belts in our book.

---

THE AWARDS

Wrestler of the Year
Tag Team of the Year
Militant Thugs 24/7 of the Year
Manager of the Year
Match of the Year
Feud of the Year
Monarch of the Year
Woman of the Year
Hero of the Year
Comeback of the Year
Promo of the Year
Best Promotion
Best Alternative, Renegade Promotion
Best Booking of a World Heavyweight Champion
Best Angle
Best Live Sex
Best Erection
Best Farewell to the Greatest Women's Champion Ever
Best Inability to Say "Exhibitionist"
Best Friend
Best Family Member at Ringside
Best Mickie James
Best Love for Another Man
Best Royal Screw Up That Ruined An Entire Promotion in One Fell Swoop
Best Physique
Best Inability to Wrestle a Giant
Best Glass Jaw
Best X-Division Legend
Best Injury
Best Christian Values
Best Prop
Best Love For John Cena
Best Comment

---

AND THE WINNERS ARE...

 

Wrestler of the Year: The Undertaker

Much of 2006 unfortunately seemed like 1992 all over again for the Dead Man.  The Undertaker had to once again toil as a giant killer, spending the bulk of the year dealing with 400 lb wastes of space like Mark Henry and the Great Khali. But those lowlights are forgettable when compared to all he achieved this year: In February the Undertaker battled Kurt Angle in one of the finest matches of his career.  In July the Dead Man invaded ECW for the first time.  He defeated the Big Show in the first-ever Punjabi Prison match and Ken Kennedy in his signature Last Ride match.  And perhaps most amazingly, he hasn't tried to kill Kane yet upon his brother's switch to Smackdown.  The Undertaker is 15-0 at WrestleMania and remains undefeated as OUR so-called SPORT Wrestler of the Year.  Well past the midway point of his second Decade of Destruction, the Undertaker still fucking rules.

 

Tag Team of the Year: Lita's Rack

It seems tag teams are making a comeback.  In 2006 the Hardy Boyz, MNM and even the Blue Bloods reunited.  That's nice and all, but the best team of the year left WWE along with the rest of Lita at Survivor Series.  Triple H once called them the Booby Prize, but we're think Lita deserves this bigger reward for unleashing her dynamic duo all year long. Constantly threatening to burst free from the flimsy confines of whatever top she was wearing, Lita's R-rated team extreme never failed to hold an entire arena and the viewing audience at home in thrall.  God, we miss them. We'd give anything if they'd come back. 

 

Militant Thugs 24/7 of the Year: LAX
and
Manager of the Year: Konnan

The best tag team not attached to Lita's torso were far and away the current NWA Tag Team hefes Homicide and Hernandez. LAX spent the first half of the year in the Mexican border of the Impact Zone and little did the rest of TNA know how safe they were. When LAX crossed the border they killed every gringo and Korean girl they got their hands on, be it the X-Division megapowers of AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels or America 's Most Wanted and Gail Kim.  LAX even made history by being the first “foreign” team to ever defeat Americans in a flag match.  And between the Gringo Killer and the Border Toss, their moves have the coolest names around.  But none of LAX's glory would have been possible without their manager Konnan, who always spoke the truth, usually from the ring apron he rarely climbed down from.  LAX put the mirror up to our racist selves while Konnan very slowly sneaked up from behind and waffled us with a slap jack.  Muy bueno.  Arriba la raza!

 

Match of the Year: Kevin Nash vs. A Sabin-Like X-Division Star

Truly special moments in sports entertainment are few and far between, but nothing was more historic this year than when Kevin Nash returned to the X-Division he pioneered.  To prepare for his match with Chris Sabin, Big Sexy risked everything for pride and honor as he faced A Sabin-Like X-Division Star of Alex Shelley's choosing.  Though he was at a severe speed disadvantage to his diminutive opponent, Nash brought his A game and gave us a wrestling clinic that should be mandatory viewing at wrestling schools around the world.  From the big boot he innovatively delivered while sitting on a chair to his death-defying bottom rope frog splash, Big Sexy showed us all why he truly deserves to be ranked as not only the greatest X-Division star of all-time but as one of the greatest wrestlers who ever lived. On this night, Kevin Nash delivered only an unforgettable Match of the Year but the single greatest match of his life. 

 

Feud of the Year: John Cena vs. The Male Wrestling Audience

The most entertaining aspect of John Cena's matches in 2006 was how the male fans reacted to him.  No one since smiling, happy Rocky Maivia has ever incurred the ire of male wrestling fans all across the country like John Cena did this year.  For a while, anyone Cena wrestled became an instant babyface. Cena's opponents' every move was cheered like Hogan had just bodyslammed Andre at WrestleMania III while anything Cena did was met with the equivalent of the hatred of a thousand X-Pacs.  The Cena-bashing by the male wrestling audience crossed all boundaries, from RAW to Smackdown to ECW, even to Cena's hometown of Boston , where the men lustily cheered when Cena failed to beat Edge at Summerslam.  The insistence of the women and kids in the audience in cheering for Cena only galvanized the men, who dueled the women and kids' “Let's go Cena!” chants with “Cena sucks!”  While Cena seems to have gained the upper hand in the feud, the prospect of another year of him as WWE Champion will no doubt rally his ticket-buying male antagonists in 2007.

 

Monarch of the Year:  King Booker

We've changed the Man of the Year Award to better suit the stature of its royal recipient. Truly no greater King has ever deigned to grace the Smackdown rings. To think that King Booker was once a mere peasant named Booker T until he won the King of the Ring tournament.  Becoming King of the Ring was Booker's equivalent of pulling the sword from the stone.  Perhaps he merely went insane, but we believe he truly at that moment became royalty.  Booker embraced the ridiculous gimmick and became the most entertaining character in WWE.  It was all of it magnificent: naming Finlay and William Regal his royal knights, his British accent he can barely maintain, his royal pinkie, his humble graciousness, his joyous celebrations, and his opulent entrances heralded by a continuous refrain of "All Hail King Booker!"  His Majesty cemented his glory not only by becoming World Heavyweight Champion and the King of the World but by defeating WWE Champion John Cena and ECW Champion The Big Show to become the Champion of Champions.  Were it not for that rogue Batista, we would all continue to bask in the splendor of King Booker's reign. 

Woman of the Year: Kelly Kelly

Although she still can't enter a casino or order a drink at a bar, Kelly Kelly won all of our hearts this past year and became a role model for young girls everywhere. In her Exposes, she schooled us on how to sexily dance and deftly remove a bra. Her example showed us not only how to love and be with a real man like Mike Knox but also that's important to keep your options open, as she did with her cunning seduction of CM Punk. Against Ariel, she taught us all a strong woman can stand up for herself and fight for what she believes in. When she was caned by Sandman, she proved she was as hardcore as they come. And all the while Kelly Kelly taught us it was important to always tell the world who and what you are, as when she reminded us she was “only 19” and that “I am an exhibitionist” every time she opened her mouth. She is Kelly Kelly, fans, hear her roar.

 

Hero of the Year: John Cena

When Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada decided to brutalize helpless Maria on RAW, millions waited for a hero to storm the ring and save her.  The most likely candidate was John Cena, Maria's occasional tag team partner and kissing friend.  Umaga hoisted a terrified Maria on his shoulders and waited before crunching her with a Samoan Drop.  No one came to save her.  Unconscious Maria was planted in the order while Umaga set up to charge at her head. No one came. Umaga smashed Maria's pretty little head in. Then and only then did John Cena finally charge in for the too-little, too-late rescue.  After sending Umaga packing, our hero spent a few seconds checking out Maria before grabbing the mic and cutting an unfunny comedy promo complete with poopy jokes.  As a coup de grace, Cena gave announcer Todd Grisham the FU.  Let there be no doubt the very definition of a courageous hero is John Cena.  Why do people cheer for this guy again? 
 

Comeback of the Year:
The ECW Originals
(Francine, Danny Doring, The FBI, CW Anderson,
Justin Credible, Stevie Richards, Al Snow, Roadkill, Jazz)

Reunited and it felt so good, didn't it?  We all thought the glory days were back.  Just think, ECW had returned, in all its grungy extreme glory.  Smaller venues, hot crowds, ultra violence, and the return of many ECW favorites given the opporunity to earn a WWE paycheck while taking us on a whole new ride to the extreme.  Little did anyone expect that the "Originals" who helped forge the reputation of ECW would be second class citizens forced to job in five minutes or less to every WWE Superstar sent to ECW.  And that's the only time we saw many of our old favorites as they were mostly held off TV before being released one by one from their contracts.  But it was great while it lasted, wasn't it?  We're sure they're all grateful to Vince McMahon for the opportunity and for ECW being able to live on.
 

Promo of the Year: The Great Khali

Runner Up:  Melina
When the Great Khali burst onto the scene, every pair of eyeballs watching popped out of their sockets in disbelief of how huge he is.  When he wrestled, the world was silenced in reverential awe of his talent.  But when Khali spoke, that's when the real magic happened.  Millions were at the edge of the seats as the words (we think they were words) came grumbling from Khali's lips. It was some kind of dialect that has never been heard on Earth before. Closed caption machines sparked and exploded.  To this day, no one has any idea what Khali said, but no doubt his words were more insightful and profound than we could ever deserve.  Honorable mention goes to runner up Melina, who was given ten minutes on RAW to explain why she turned on Mick Foley.  It was the endless rambling promo that launched a thousand channel changes but Melina's dronings simply cannot size up to the verbal gymnastics of the Great Khali. 
Last Year's Winner: Kurt Angle for "Booker T, I wanna have sex with your wife.  Not just any kind of sex.  That hot, nasty, bestiality kind of sex..."
 

Best Promotion: WWW

Are we serious?! Yes indeed, Hale Collins, we are. The hell with WWE and TNA and their 99% male rosters. We know the best kept secret in Massachusetts independent wrestling: World Women's Wrestling. One Sunday afternoon a month we get a front row seat for $20, from which we can watch (and yes, ogle) up and coming young stars like Tanya Lee, Tina Marina, Lexus, Kayla Sparks and Portia Perez display their technical skills, enjoy the macabre stylings of Della Morte and Mistress Belmont, or run towards (and away from) Nikki Roxx and Ariel (not the vampire, who's also great) as they tear Good Times Emporium apart in one of the best matches of the year.
 

Best Alternative, Renegade Promotion: ECW

Just in December alone, Smackdown held a pay per view where MVP was set on fire, Undertaker was thrown 15 feet off a stage, and an ultra-violent tag team ladder match saw Joey Mercury gruesomely disfigured. On RAW, Edge and Randy Orton violently beat DX and Ric Flair half to bloody death with chairs. And in TNA, Sting and Abyss regularly fall into thumbtacks while Team 3D break tables and AJ Styles and Rhino fight all around the arena. Thank goodness for a respite from all that violence! Thank goodness for ECW, where Extreme Rules matches are banned, Hardcore Holly can be disqualified for punching CM Punk too much, and the World Champion is a musclehead who beats people with simple bodyslams. As ECW's old motto used to proudly proclaim: Experience the Difference!

Best Booking of a World Heavyweight Champion: Rey Mysterio

Booking Rey Mysterio to be guided by the ghost of Eddie Guerrero was respectful and inspired.  Booking Rey to put the WrestleMania title shot he earned at the Royal Rumble on the line and then lose to Randy Orton made him seem intelligent. Booking Rey to be reinserted into the WrestleMania title match as a form of charity made him seem like a true winner. But the best booking of all came after Rey became the World Heavyweight Champion. We were all treated to week after week of Rey losing almost every match he wrestled on television, usually in decisive squash fashion.  They all lined up to beat the Champ: Kurt Angle, Mark Henry, The Great Khali, even Sabu got to DDT Rey through a table and nearly cripple him. It was a textbook example of how to book your World Champion so that he and the promotion he carries the banner for look strong in the public eye. Aspiring bookers take copious notes!

 

Best Angle: Imposter Kane

One day, another Kane showed up on RAW, dressed in Kane's old mask and the red pajamas he stopped wearing in 2003. For a few weeks Kane II stalked the original Kane and we were lead to believe there was something in Kane's sordid past that bonded the two. As tends to happen in wrestling, the Kanes had themselves a match and boy, howdy did it stink up the joint. The next time we saw Kane II, the real Kane unmasked him and kicked him out the door. Kane II was never seen or heard from again, nor did we ever learn what any of it was all about. It was awesome. All wrestling bookers present and future could learn a thing or two from the best angle of 2006.

 

Best Live Sex: Edge and Lita
and
Best Erection: Edge

We'll let the pictures tell this story.

 

Best Farewell for the Greatest Women's Champion Ever: Trish Stratus

Runner Up: Cryme Time holds a Ho Sale for Lita
Both Lita and Trish Stratus held claim to being the best Women's Champion ever as they retired from WWE this year. Perhaps the way their exits were booked might shed some light on who was actually better. Trish got to defeat Lita in one of their best matches ever in front of her hometown crowd in Toronto, making Lita submit to the Sharpshooter to claim her record-setting 7th Women's Title and go out in a blaze of glory.  Lita got to wrestle an eyesore against Mickie James and then have two black guys who have never had anything to do with her before sell her dirty underwear and vibrators to the crowd.  We'd have to say Trish's storybook ending was slightly better, but Lita's exit was also great.  Really really really great.

 

Best Inability To Say “Exhibitionist”: Tazz

For weeks and weeks, he just couldn't do it. Try as he might, Tazz couldn't for the life of him say the word “exhibitionist.” He gave it the old Red Hook try, but it always came out “expositionist” and sometimes, “expeditionist.” (Neither of which are real words.) Eventually Tazz was able to say “exhibitionist” and overcame his speech impediment, but we're sure it took an expensive combination of a speech coach, hypnosis, and good old fashioned concentration and determination, aided in no small part by Joey Styles making fun of him.
 

Best Friend:  Melina to Mick Foley

Mick Foley tried his hand at blogging for wwe.com this past year and curiously went out of his way to mention how much he liked Melina in every entry.  Melina was flattered by Foley's kind words and generously befriended the Hardcore Legend upon his return to RAW.  Though she could do nothing to change Foley's tragic fashion sense, Melina fully supported her new BFF as Foley repeatedly dodged Ric Flair's attempts to get him into a match.  But when Foley lost a bloody I Quit match to Flair at Summerslam, Melina, as best friends sometimes do, had to show Foley tough love. Foley claims he only quit to save Melina from a crazed Flair, but Melina saw it for what it actually was: a weakness in Foley that has long prevented him from achieving true greatness.  She was especially repulsed when Foley agreed to kiss Mr. McMahon's ass instead of Melina getting fired. Melina can't be associated with such losers and did the only thing a true friend would do: kick Foley in the balls and fire him with Mr. McMahon's blessing.  One day, Mick Foley will thank her for being a friend.

 

Best Family Member at Ringside: Ric Flair's Daughter during TLC

When Ric Flair challenged Edge in January to a Tables, Ladders and Chairs match for a WWE Title, he probably shouldn't have invited his daughter Ashley to watch from front row ringside. Furthermore, Ashley shouldn't have brought her friends along for a fun chance to cheer her dad on. The tears and horror on their faces as hey had to endure seeing Ric get beaten within a bloody inch of his life by Edge were as unforgettable as the match itself.  Ric turned in an incredible performance and nearly won the match but that was of little consolation for poor Ashley, who had to watch her father all but die in the ring. That was a night she'd likely rather forget. Not us, though.
 

Best Mickie James: Trish Stratus

Trish Stratus put up with a lot from her smothering biggest fan Mickie James.  After getting her crotch clawed and losing her Women's Title to Mickie, Trish decided it was time to give her a taste of her own medicine. Blonde Mickie looked Stratusfactory dressed in Trish's clothes, but brunette Trish looked totally smokin' in Mickie's bohemian garage sale gypsy wardrobe. The months spent with Mickie allowed Trish to master all of her mannerisms, from her bouncy ring entrance to her faux Valley speak. But most important were Mickie's bikini bottoms that crawl up the ass; Trish had those too. She didn't miss a beat.
 

Best Love for Another Man:  Alex Shelley for Kevin Nash

When Alex Shelley was invited to bring his paparazzi camera into Kevin Nash's hotel room for an interview last year, he never dreamed Nash would become the most important person in his life.  More than a mentor, more than friend, but a partner who would stand by him and be there for him through thick and thin.  Nash and Shelley were peas in a pod for much of 2006 until the Kevin Nash Invitational X-Division Battle Royal which was won not by Shelley but by Austin Starr. Starr so impressed Nash with his prowess that he was invited into the circle, much to Shelley's chagrin.  Shelley and Starr now constantly bicker for Nash's approval. Although Nash broke Shelley's heart, we're hoping that Big Sexy looks beyond this flamboyant new interloper Starr and sees that Alex Shelley is the one who's really too sweet.
 

Best Royal Screw Up That Ruined an Entire Promotion in One Fell Swoop:
RVD and Sabu get arrested for drug possession

Runner Up:  Vince McMahon bans Extreme Rules matches
In the month of June Rob Van Dam was on top of the world.  He was the WWE and ECW World Champion.  He was main eventing pay per views.  And the new ECW was actually extreme. It was all going so well. So well that RVD just had to light up a blunt and then get pulled over for speeding and arrested for possession.  Almost overnight, RVD lost both his titles and was suspended. Extreme rules matches were relegated to one match a show and then disappeared entirely. Vince McMahon lost confidence in RVD, Sabu, and the ECW project as a whole.  And now we've got an ECW that's anything but extreme with Paul Heyman banished from the brand.  Also, we found out Sabu's real name is Terry Brunk.  We didn't need to know that.
 

Best Physique: Roddy Piper

That's Piper in the middle. No, really.

You don't get a body like that waiting for the bus. Actually, you could, if you also ate crap, drank a lot, and generally stopped giving a shit for years before a bus actually came. Sorry about the cancer though, Hot Rod.
Runner Up: “The Leaner, Meaner” Chris Masters

 

Best Inability to Wrestle a Giant: Sabu

Sabu is best when he's facing an opponent of comparable size and there are no rules so he's free to innovatively utilize weapons and fling his body around without care of consequence.  Remove those factors and we get Sabu when he faced the Big Show in ECW all summer.  We found perverse enjoyment  in the Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal Maniac's utter inability to figure out how wrestle a 7 foot, 500 lb giant.  Unable to lift his opponent or resort to weapons because Extreme Rules were barred, Sabu's offense against the Show consisted primarily of vaulting off the ropes and then coming to a dead stop inches before connecting with whatever he thought he'd try.  Eventually he'd just run right into a goozle and take a chokeslam to lose the match. 
 

Best Glass Jaw: John Cena's Dad

When Edge and Lita invaded the Cena family home in West Newbury, Massachusetts , an outraged Papa Cena confronted the Rated R Superstar and his Sinful Sexpot. Dismayed at the lack of hospitality they were being shown as guests, Edge slapped the elder Cena across the face, which knocked him completely unconscious. A major aspect of John Cena his detractors can't stand is his Wolverine-like ability to take a beating in the ring and then mount a comeback as if nothing had ever hurt him.  John's healing factor and ability to absorb punishment apparently were not inherited from his father. 
 

Best X-Division Legend:  Kevin Nash

No one has ever done more for TNA's X-Division than Big Sexy.  Though he admits his best high-flying days are long behind him, Kevin Nash saw the X-Division spinning its wheels and took it upon himself to jack the tires.  Focusing solely on Alex Shelley at first and forming a special bond with him that remains to this day, soon Nash took it upon himself to elevate the entire X-Division single handedly.  Nash not only designed innovative strategies like the PCS to boost the careers of foundering young stars-to-be like Senshi and Jay Lethal, but he took the time to really get to know them.  He showed that he cares about their health and quality of life as well as their in-ring prowess.  Unfortunately, Sonjay Dutt still refuses to admit to his addiction to anabolic steroids, despite all the damning proof Nash acquired.  Still, we can take comfort in knowing that as long as the X-Division stars follow Kevin Nash's example, they will all have the kind of careers selling out arenas and main eventing pay per views for many years that Nash enjoyed.
 

Best Injury: Hardcore Holly

Having already written about this Holy Shit! moment at length, the only thing left to add in hindsight is: They did a great job pushing Hardcore Holly after he made his comeback, didn't they?  In any other year, the foot of a ladder ripping apart Joey Mercury's face would have made him a lock for this award.  They are both tougher men than we'll ever be.
Runner Up: Joey Mercury

 

Best Christian Values: TNA

Thank God TNA is here each week to show us in whose footsteps to walk in.  When Sting won the NWA World Title he openly declared he would use it as a way to glorify God.  Even after months of animosity, Sting turned the other cheek to former titlist Jeff Jarrett, who disappeared to find the light he has lost in his life. Another man caught in the foul grip of the Devil's darkness is Abyss. Sting has made it his mission to redeem the monster's soul and show him the path of righteousness. Meanwhile, AJ Styles has fallen into a pit of anger and despair and good samaritan Rhino has taken notice of his pain. Styles lamented his frustration that "everywhere he turns, [Rhino]'s there" and the two have engaged in violent clashes but soon even the bitter AJ will hear the call and accept the salvation Rhino offers.
Runner up: Sylvester Stallone for Rocky Balboa
 

Best Prop: Victoria's List

Though she was practically forgotten for most of the year, the departure of Trish Stratus and Lita gave Victoria the opportunity to do something we've been hoping to see for a long time:  kick the crap out of the useless RAW Divas taking up space in the locker room.  To remind her and us exactly who she planned on mauling and in which order, Victoria made herself a handy-dandy checklist of her victims, making sure of cross off each one as she sends them to the hospital.  It's the best piece of paper on a clipboard in wrestling since Marc Mero's “Contract – Marc Mero, Sable”.

Best Love for John Cena: Joey Styles and Tazz

It was tempting to give this award to all of ECW for the way they parted like the Red Sea when John Cena visited their locker room, but it was Joey Styles and Tazz who continually went above and beyond the call of duty in professing love for Cena. For weeks, ECW's crackerjack announce team trumpeted “The Marine” as the cinematic masterpiece it turned out to be, enthusiastically reminding all of the ECW faithful how much they owe it to themselves to see John Cena on the big screen.  Despite very few people actually venturing to their local movie theatres, Styles and Tazz remained undeterred in their bombastic praise for “The Marine.”  We're sure they're already in line, or at least checking Fandango constantly, for tickets to Cena's next major motion picture extravaganza.
Last Year's Winner: Lance Jr.

Best Comment:  Tazz: “Two thirds of this is phenomenal!”

When Mick Foley surprised Kelly Kelly and invited Melina to join them in a Three Way Dance, everybody won.  Tazz was especially delighted by the impromptu revelrie but maybe there was something smudging his glasses when he made the call "Two thirds of this is phenomenal!"  We wonder which two thirds he's referring to?  To us, it's all good.