Last week, I made myself sad by watching the season 2 premiere of V despite my intentions to do the opposite. More sadness this week as I watched episode 2.
THE Vs ARE AT WAR WITH THE HUMAN SOUL. That's right, the soul. The soul is the enemy of the V. It is "well spring of human emotion." Vs talk about the soul retardedly. Anna thinks she can study it in a lab. Why don't the Vs just give Bart Simpson $5 for his soul, take off in their ships, and never come back, i.e. get off my television?
What a coincidence that at the very same time Anna is declaring space war on the souls of human beings, Morris Chestnut is having conversations with father Jack about whether or not he has a soul. This comes complete with retarded dialogue: Jack: "The soul is a blessing." Morris: "No, it's a curse!" Who can possibly take either this technologically advanced alien race or this ragtag band of human rebels seriously if they talk and think in hackneyed cliches like this?
Last week, we found out for realsies that the Vs are on Earth to mate with humans. That's the truth. They're not here for our water, or to eat humans, but they want our sweet sweet bodies for sweet sweet sexin'. They wanna sex us up, to the hip hop, you don't stop. Except there's a catch; not just that they're lizards, but they have high degrees of phosphorus in their bodies. They need humans to have phosphorus in their bodies too so they can mate.
Erica Evans has lots of phosphorus in her body, so said her doctor 20 years ago when she was pregnant with Tyler. See where this is going? And Lisa's near her fertility peak. This was a match made in Heaven, or the heavens, set long ago. Lisa has to do Tyler and have a hybrid baby.
Except there's already a hybrid baby. Morris Chestnut and black lady who's dead had a love starchild, which Anna now possesses. We saw it in lizard form last week but Anna gave it human skin. And then she fed it in disgusting fashion, eating a whole rat and then regurgitating it into the V-baby. Then Anna manipulated Morris into rejoining the Vs only one week removed from banishing him forever. Is this chick wishy-washy or what?
Incidentally, the events of this episode took place over a couple of days, but no one in wardrobe informed Anna, who wore the same grey business dress the entire episode. Maybe the V dry cleaners are on strike or something.
I haven't even mentioned how Red Sky was sold as a "gift to humanity" but is really linked to that phosphorus plan and lasted one whole episode before it was dropped, or the Fifth Column suicide bombers, or Tory from Battlestar Galactica revealing that she's a V to Erica, or the geeky human scientist hanging out with the Fifth Column and who possesses a complete V reptile skeleton in his lab, or how Joshua doesn't remember he's Fifth Column and Lisa's constantly about to pee her pants that he will remember any second now she's his co-conspirator and has betrayed her mother.
Speaking of mothers, how could I almost forget Diana! Diana, Jane Badler is on the show (and so are her boobs), playing Diana but not the Diana from the original V. Diana is the former Queen and mother to Anna, whom Anna deposed and imprisoned in the bowels of her ship for 15 years, but is also named Diana. The thing I couldn't quite put my finger on that was weird at first was that Diana's voice doesn't have that metallic echo it did in the original V, because today's Vs don't talk like that. Anyway, Anna imprisoned her mother in secret for 15 years and never visited her once, but now bothers her before every other act break. You see, Diana came to Earth once and Anna thinks she's like, the V expert on the human soul or something, just because she likes to listen to piano music*. Diana must have spent her incarceration watching V season one because she predicted Anna's daughter will betray Anna the way Diana was betrayed by her daughter.
"Tick tock," Diana says. She must be counting down to V's cancellation in 8 weeks.
*Mendelssohn. May I add, aliens without emotion who start flipping out over humans having music is straight out of Robotech and the Zentraedi going batshit over Lynn Minmei's 80's pop songs. The Fifth Column should start listening to "We Will Win!"