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Monday, February 28, 2011

Live Tweeting the 83rd Annual Academy Awards

The baffling ordeal of watching the Oscars this year was made tolerable by three important factors: 1) alcohol, in my case a half a bottle of Crown Royal whiskey 2) Live Tweeting the show 3) Norm MacDonald live Tweeting the show.  Norm came out of Twitter exile on fire and ripped into the Oscars the way only Norm can. It seemed like everyone else's live Tweeting paled in comparison to what Norm was doing.  Certainly, I felt I was toiling in Norm's mighty shadow.  Here's my obnoxious, occasionally funny (I hope) Twitter take on the Oscars:

My party tonight will consist of myself and Jameson's Irish Whiskey. My apologies in advance for the impending live Tweeting.

I know how @ feels about T. Reznor's score for TSN, but I hope he realizes that Hans Zimmer wins at the tonight. 

I won't complain if wins anything or everything. @

Still bitter about @'s unforgivable snub of @ as the 11th Best Picture nominee. @ @

Damn, Out of Jameson's. This is my substitute. watching underway.

Whoa. Warren Beatty's so old! What's old, pussycat?

Tonight will the be the first time I've masturbated to an Academy Awards host (Anne Hathaway) since Hugh Jackman.

If I find myself with a bag on my head later on, I'm not mimicking @, I'm just really drunk.  

The best possible conclusion to the winners of Best Art Direction would have been if that guy vomited from nervousness on stage.

Best cinematographer Wally Pfister stole my line! "My master Christopher Nolan." I've been saying "My Master Alex Merkin" for years.

Kirk Douglas coming onto Anne Hathaway is as inspiring as Kirk Douglas still being alive.

Anyone not following @ and his live Tweeting is committing a cardinal sin against their own enjoyment.

That stagehand is carting Kirk Douglas offstage because the horny old man is literally seconds away from whipping his cock out.

You know, I bet Hailee Steinfeld had a much sweeter, less rambling and obnoxious, and non-profanity-laced speech prepared.

All I want to know from Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem is, is my table ready?

Aaron Sorkin wins deservedly Best Screenplay for @. Surprisingly he did not walk and talk on his way to the stage.

Christopher Nolan's face said it, but I'll Tweet what he was thinking: doesn't win Best Adapted Screenplay? B-b-bullshit!  

well so far so awful.

Nice to see Reese Witherspoon had her chin sharpened for this big night.

Christian Bale's beard is a different color from his hair. I hate to ask whether the carpet matches either of the drapes.

Christian Bale is the winner we deserve, but not the Oscar winner we need right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it.

So many superheroes @ the . Catwoman hosting, Batman just won an Oscar, and now Wolverine and the Joker are presenting onstage.

Academy Award winners @ and Atticus Ross! I'm too happy to tell a terrible joke. Congratulations, sirs!

What's that sound? It's the sound of the douchebag orchestra playing off the winners of Best Sound Design.

Marisa Tomei is so brave to show her face @ the after never returning the one she accidentally won for My Cousin Vinny.

As of 10pm, winning films include Alice in Wonderland and The Wolfman. Non-Oscar winning films include True Grit and 127 Hours.

that was very insulting saying oprah was coming up and then showing a giant elephant. shame on you academy 

I can't compete with @.

What a pop for Amy Adams name dropping George Lucas.

If Christian Bale,Melissa Leo and Aaron Sorkin look under their Oscar statues, they'll find Oprah just gave them a new car.

Jack Palance on the floor doing pushups would still be taller than Billy Crystal.

Oh, the jokes on @, that Asian woman who won for Best Documentary was actually Banksy in disguise. @ was robbed.

Damn right wins for Best Visual Effects. These mofos flipped Paris upside down! Who's ever seen shit like that before?

Liked the shot of David Fincher's daughter stone faced while everyone else laughed at Randy Newman. He doesn't have a friend in her.  

alright the dead guys are coming up. how come theyre always so much more talented than the live guys?

Geez, Matt Damon lost a shit load of weight.

I thought The King's Speech was a wonderful film and all that, but fuck this. Fincher, Aranofsky, Nolan, and the Coens were robbed.

I wonder if Annette Bening looks at Warren Beatty and thinks, "Warren, you got so old." What's old, pussycat?

After leaving the stage both Kirk Douglas & Eli Wallach chased @ around backstage demanding he paint their chicken coop.

No one saw Rabbit Hole so we're all taking Nicole Kidman's nomination this year purely on blind faith.

Impressed @ actually chose Jennifer Lawrence's best moment in the Winter's Bone clip they aired.

Just like the rat at the end of The Departed, the Black Swan symbolizes obviousness. Congratulations Best Actress Natalie Portman!

Ironically Colin Firth is currently inspiring lonely young men hunched over their keyboards to complain about his winning Best Actor  

Again: Academy Award winners Alice in Wonderland and The Wolfman. Not Academy Award Winners: True Grit and 127 Hours.

Senor Spielbergo has arrived to welcome us all to Jurassic Park.  


Everyone in @ deserves to find their Facebook accounts canceled by the morning. @ got robbed.

If we ever win an Oscar @ and I promise @ that we will thank the computer.

Norm sticks the landing! RT @ you guys were the 83rd best hosts ever.

I bet David Fincher's glad he stopped filming The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and flew all the way from Sweden to LA for nothing.
And that was the Oscars. I definitely would like to thank the computer. Same time next year, Norm?